Ronnie Barker > Quotes

“A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned.”
― Ronnie Barker

“There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”
― Ronnie Barker

“There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.”
― Ronnie Barker

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”
― Ronnie Barker

“You can tell a lot about someone's personality if you know his star sign. Jesus was born on December 25th, fed five thousand, and walked on water --typical Capricorn.”
― Ronnie Barker

“I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.”
― Ronnie Barker

“I really have a nice step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.”
― Ronnie Barker

“It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”
― Ronnie Barker

“If you drop a Bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the Bible isn't all good.”
― Ronnie Barker

“Don't just crit there siticising.”
― Ronnie Barker

“It was one of those years when God bent over and kissed California.”
― Ronnie Barker

“I never saw my granddad --he was excellent at hiding.”
― Ronnie Barker

“I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
― Ronnie Barker

“In a packed program tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”
― Ronnie Barker

“The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go in.”
― Ronnie Barker

“The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.”
― Ronnie Barker

“If I was as rich as a Rockerfeller I'd be Richer than Rockefeller, because I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the side.”
― Ronnie Barker

“My wife tries not to bring out the beast in me -she's afraid of mice.”
― Ronnie Barker

“I first met Ronnie Corbett at the Buckstone, over a drink. Well I was over it and he was under it. A voice came out of thin air and I thought it was the drink talking, until something made me peer over the other side of the bar - and there he was,”
― Ronnie Barker, It's Hello from Him