Karl Pilkington > Quotes

“[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.”
― Karl Pilkington

“I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.”
― Karl Pilkington

“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”
― Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons

“Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.”
― Karl Pilkington

“The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book”
― Karl Pilkington

“The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.”
― Karl Pilkington

“It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.”
― Karl Pilkington

“I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.”
― Karl Pilkington

“You never see an old man eating a Twix”
― Karl Pilkington

“Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.”
― Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons

“The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!”
― Karl Pilkington, The Further Adventures of An Idiot Abroad

“There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I could eat a knob at night.”
― Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons

“It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey”
― Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons

“I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.”
― Karl Pilkington, Happyslapped by a Jellyfish: The Words of Karl Pilkington

“I sometimes wear headphones even though I’m not listening to anything just so I’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.”
― Karl Pilkington, The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington

“A dog has got human eyes.”
― Karl Pilkington

“They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“Treat the world like a head.”
― Karl Pilkington

“This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.”
― Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington