Funny As Hell Quotes

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”
― Lili St. Crow

“I pull back. "I'm going to have to change my computer password."
"Oh yeah? To what?"
"I-love-Josh."
"4 eva, he replies."
"You cracked my password?”
― Sally Thorne, The Hating Game

“I [dad] spent hours on the phone. Do you know with whom?'
'One of those psychic hotlines?' Dad gritted his teeth. 'If only...”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

“That face. That body. And you know he’s packing. Look at the angle on that dangle.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

“I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could
have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

“Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms.
“Who you got?” I ask.
“You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well.
“Um, Will?”
“Yeah?”
“I lost my feet.”
“What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“I can’t find my feet.”
Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious!”
― Kristen Proby, Play with Me

“If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically.”
― Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments

“Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

“You take I-55 south, and you'll run into I-20. Or you could take..."

I was about to be overloaded with information. "Oh that sounds just perfect. Let me do just that, or I'll lose track."

Sure, glad I could help."

Oh, you surely did."

We beamed at each other, just two nice women. I had to fight an impulse to say "I have a tortured vampire in my trunk," out of sheer giddiness.”
― Charlaine Harris, Club Dead

“Don't look pleased with yourself. When Will says 'enterprising, ' he means 'morally deficient. '" "No, I mean enterprising, " said Will. "When I mean morally deficient, I say, 'Now, that's something I would have done. ”
― Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments

“He also deeply distrusts vampires, as you had guessed yourself,” Bones added. “Aside from that, all I heard was enough repetitions of ‘how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck’ to make me want to stake myself.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

“I think we're avoiding the most important question here. What matters most. What means the most to men like us."

Conall growled at Billy Dunwich's sincere face. "I am not telling you if she swallows."

Dunwich smiled. "Just tell me if she's a good girl...or if she's a very good girl?”
― Shelly Laurenston, Go Fetch!

“Who's stupid now, Jimbo?!”
― April Henry, Girl, Stolen

“Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends."

Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said:

"He's not my friend!"

"Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status.”
― Cardeno C., He Completes Me

“It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof”
― J.D. Robb, Visions in Death

“Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.”
― Regina Griffin

“You talked to your mother about Duncan's erectile dysfunction?" He glared down at her. "Has he considered taking your TV away?”
― Dana Marie Bell, Noble Blood

“There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore.”
― Jake Wizner, Spanking Shakespeare

“It didn’t take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip”
― Matthew Bracey, Steel Dogs

“Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or-

Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom.”
― Cynthia Leitich Smith

“Here. There. Everywhere." He leered at his friend. "Thinking about you and Moira's
underwear.”
― Dana Marie Bell, Noble Blood

“Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!”
― Regina Griffin

“My favorite part of dreams. Clothing is optionable." V'Aidan”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Bites

“To be fair he is Lord Byron," Jane said. "I don't know many people who haven't slept with him at one time or another." -- Jane Fairfax”
― Michael Thomas Ford, Jane Vows Vengeance

“How do you feel, Mr. Bowditch? Like ten pounds of shit in a nine-pound bag. Is it time for my pills?”
― Stephen King, Fairy Tale

“uWelcome to life, where every single damn person in my the fucking school is smarter than your dumb ass, except for the 3 dumbasses in the group”
― Pato Fabian rios

“...it's true what they say about turning into your mother; I grew up with her yelling, 'Am I talking to myself?' To which, of course, no one ever replied.”
― Alexandra Potter, Confessions of a Forty-Something F**k Up

“bedtime, aka that special time of day when i lie down in a dark room for a few hours and ponder every dumb thing I've ever said”
― Owl at the library

“I wondered why I had to arrive so early, only to have to sit around and wait. I guess they were preparing us for going to the Department of Motor Vehicles in America.”
― Lopez Lomong, Running for My Life: One Lost Boy's Journey from the Killing Fields of Sudan to the Olympic Games

“They call it prophecy. I call it the world’s longest setup for a punchline I’m not gonna like.”
― Melanie Frome, Everlasting