Hilarious Quotes Quotes

“You own your own island?

Doesn't every Greek tycoon?”
― Lynne Graham

“You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!"
"Um . . . yuck?" I said.
"That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland."
"Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Steelheart

“Diana, would you marry someone for money?" I asked her out of the blue one afternoon during her lunch break. Without missing a beat, she made a contemplative noise. "It depends.How much money?"
It was right then I knew I'd called the wrong person. I should have dialed Oscar, my slightly younger brother, instead. He'd always been wise beyond his years. Diana...not so much.
I only told her the partial truth. "What if someone bought you a house?"
She "hmmed" and then "hmmed" a little more. "A nice house?"
"It wouldn't be a mansion, you greedy whore, but I'm not talking about a dump or anything either." I figured at least.”
― Mariana Zapata, The Wall of Winnipeg and Me

“It didn’t take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip”
― Matthew Bracey, Steel Dogs

“Walk like you don’t care where your limbs are,’ Agnes said, doing a
much better job of it than Gwen. ‘As if it’s of no consequence to you where
they end up. Like this. See? Swing them about. And you should act, at all
times, as if your crotch is a burden.’

‘Now hang on,’ said Arthur. ‘I’m a man, and my crotch isn’t a burden.’

‘Maybe not to you,’ said Gwen. ‘But it’s a burden on the rest of
humanity.”
― Lex Croucher, Gwen & Art Are Not in Love

“Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Steelheart

“And right now, some affiliates of the promiscuous persuasion were beckoning, urging the women to join their huge orgy.

‘Come have a go, ladyships!’ said one of the strumpets. Stella mustered a look so disapproving it made steel feel guilty for being hard. Unabated, the prostitute lit herself a cigarette and winked suggestively.

‘Will make it worth your while and no trouble.’

‘Er.’

The strumpet sucked on her cigarette with gusto and hastily turned to Aurora. Under the heavy theatrical greasepaint, she saw a hint of black stubble.

‘What about you, hon? Ever swallowed a sword with its sheath?’

‘Once,’ said Aurora through a wooden expression. ‘It didn’t end too well for the sword.’

‘Oh leave ‘em be, Kevin,’ another strumpet butted in, as she adjusted the apples in her corset. She had a tall voice, coarse, rugged and edged; the sort of edge you cut protons on. ‘Doncha see they ‘av a lil’un with ‘em?’

‘And I’ve a wife. What’s your point, Steve?’ the drag queen retorted.

‘Yer wife’s a corpse, mate.’

‘Guess that makes me a necromancer.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“People with beards are just people without beards, with beards.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“The room they had reached served as an impromptu drug-lounge in which a hundred naked addicts engaged in communal sex. One of them drew nearer and spontaneously relieved himself all over Aurora’s shoes.

‘You’re welcome,’ the addict said proudly, buttoning up his soiled jeans and walking away like a champ.

A nearby woman saw the whole thing and smirked. ‘You’re one lucky lady, you know that?’ she smiled toothlessly. The remnants of today’s orgy were still visible in her mouth. ‘I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“Get this: how many Weavers does it take to screw in a light bulb?'

Kate folded her arms, her expression aloof. Acciper pensively scratched his beard, withholding his ignorance.

'One?' ventured Vivian.

Lucian's boyish face split into a grin. His body filled up with the imminent rumble of laughter.

'Two Weavers. One holds the light bulb and the other one spins reality around it.”
― Louise Blackwick, The Book of Chaos

“Sorano returned a half-hearted nod and mumbled on, dreamily.

She seemed completely fascinated by a man in a rabbit costume who kept falling flat on his face whilst endlessly repeating the phrase “How dare they speak the word “motherboard” when the Neon God has no mother?” in a very affronted tone. He was accompanied by swarthy-faced dame, who aimlessly dragged a red piece of string after her.

‘Why are you dragging that string, hey?’ the rabbit-man asked the woman right before taking a spectacular nosedive, face-first into asphalt.

‘But I must drag it, I must!’ the woman replied panicky, ‘for if I try to push it, it bends.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“They traversed the lounge, side-stepping the occasional onanist and paying no heed to the slack-jawed, giggling addicts. A few feet away, a young woman had put her tattooed posterior on display. Aurora noticed her tattoos were dynamic, changing like a slideshow each time her bottom was slapped.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“I am a great warrior.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“My greatest privilege is being married to a gentle loving husband. I am very grateful God made our path cross.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“Who am I?
What is my mission?”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“The greater the injury, the greater the fun.”
― Leinad Eibam, a celebration of poets, Summer 2015

“Dylan looked promising. Tomboy. Tall and deliciously rangy. Her raven hair was unevenly sliced, streaked auburn in a patch or two. A thatch of black hair hung like a flag of bad-girl honor over Dylan’s right eye. She was delightfully loud. Her black, paint-splattered jeans were ripped at both knees. She wore a red T-shirt that proclaimed: “Ask Me About My Big Pink Pussy.”
― Ana B. Good, The Big Sugarbush

“We are all beautiful creation of God.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“A tall woman with ass-length, honey-blonde hair had entered the lobby and was barking orders at an entourage of men who toted her Gucci leather luggage. Her dog, a white Westie, was barking, adding to the commotion. “Justin!” the woman chastised the man who held the door open for her. “Icky snow on my feet. My Manolo Blahniks. Oh my God! These shoes are a work of art! Do somethinggg!”
― Ana B. Good, The Big Sugarbush

“Julius applied the brakes just in time. The corpse fell forward and hit its forehead on an iron handle.
‘That would have been really painful if the circumstances had been a little different,’ said Allan.
‘There are undoubtedly advantages to being dead,’ said Julius.”
― Jonas Jonasson

“Fuck 'em, lets bounce.”
― Navessa Allen, Lights Out

“He cuddled her back into his arms and sighed, closing his eyes as the flames in the gas logs danced like sugar-plums. Gracie watched them across his broad chest, feeling the happiness like a flame inside her heart. Somewhere she heard Christmas carols being sung and a dog barking in the distance. Closer, she heard the strong, regular beat of Jason’s heart under her ear. Christmas wasn’t only in her heart. It was in her arms.”
― Diana Palmer, Heartless

“All souls have a body.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“We are amazing individuals.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“i hate math, but i love counting money”
― anonymous

“Life is not fucked up by accident; it is fucked up on purpose!!!”
― Jason Gabriel Kondrath

“So again, why are you climbing a tree?” Christine asked as she shielded her eyes from the sun. She and everyone else sat around on blankets watching Kellen help Stevie put her gear on. “I wanted to learn how to do it, and Kellen fixed up this dead tree for me. I want to show off my new skills, too, because Linden made fun of me,” Stevie said and struck a pose. “Be still, I’m trying to connect the climb line to your saddle,” Kellen said, focused on the task. Kenzie climbed onto Trent’s shoulders and made a face. “Uncle Linden says Aunt Stevie’s gonna break her butt.” “Thanks, Linden,” Stevie said and shot him a look. “She won’t.” Kyle laughed. “I’ve never seen so much safety equipment in my life. Kell, you forgot to bubble wrap her butt before you put the saddle on.” “Where’d you get them giant pads from?” Walt asked. “They’re the ones the track team at the school used to use for pole vaulting.” Kellen adjusted the chinstrap on Stevie’s helmet. “This is our exercise tree.” Stevie patted the trunk. “I want iron legs like Kellen’s, so she topped it for me, cut most of the branches off, and put out the pads. See how she spoils me?” “Yeah, she gave you what looks like fifty feet of dead tree,” Kyle said with a grin. “Most people just get flowers.” Trent snorted. “Nothing says love like a fifty-foot stump.” Kellen double-checked her own gear just in case Stevie got into trouble and she had to go up for her. “Okay, babe, don’t go past the fifteen-foot mark, trust your saddle when your legs get tired, pay attention to the depth of your spikes.” She patted Stevie’s cheek and whispered, “Now show them your monkey.”
― Robin Alexander, Kellen's Moment

“...like a Lord of the Flies stage set, only taupe and with scatter cushions.”
― Caz Frear, Sweet Little Lies

“Nice bodygaurd"

"Bryce shrugged as those snake's eyes dragged over every inch of Hunt ""Nothing happening upstairs, but everything happening where it counts”
― Sarah J. Maas, House of Earth and Blood

“There are thirty-six photos on your four-year-old phone, and all of them are of dismembered bodies,”
― Sarah J. Maas, House of Earth and Blood