Humorous Situations Quotes

“Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own? Five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this,” said Professor McGonagall. “I’m very disappointed in you.”
Hermione left. Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron.
“Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You each win Gryffindor five points.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

“And right now, some affiliates of the promiscuous persuasion were beckoning, urging the women to join their huge orgy.

‘Come have a go, ladyships!’ said one of the strumpets. Stella mustered a look so disapproving it made steel feel guilty for being hard. Unabated, the prostitute lit herself a cigarette and winked suggestively.

‘Will make it worth your while and no trouble.’

‘Er.’

The strumpet sucked on her cigarette with gusto and hastily turned to Aurora. Under the heavy theatrical greasepaint, she saw a hint of black stubble.

‘What about you, hon? Ever swallowed a sword with its sheath?’

‘Once,’ said Aurora through a wooden expression. ‘It didn’t end too well for the sword.’

‘Oh leave ‘em be, Kevin,’ another strumpet butted in, as she adjusted the apples in her corset. She had a tall voice, coarse, rugged and edged; the sort of edge you cut protons on. ‘Doncha see they ‘av a lil’un with ‘em?’

‘And I’ve a wife. What’s your point, Steve?’ the drag queen retorted.

‘Yer wife’s a corpse, mate.’

‘Guess that makes me a necromancer.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars

“Others collected round the coach, and gave vent to various surmises; some held that she had fallen asleep; some, that she had burnt herself to death; some, that she had got drunk; and one very fat man that she had seen something to eat which had frightened her so much (not being used to it) that she had fallen into a fit.”
― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby

“Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?"
"I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it."
Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it."
"You won't like it," said Heimdall.
"We will like it!" said Thor.
"Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -"
"I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard."
"Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.”
― Neil Gaiman

“Thanks for the help,” said Nathaniel with a sigh.

Timothy shook his head. “I didn't do anything, That was all you.”

Arthur turned around and threw his dagger into a Kalathite soldier coming through the chamber doors.

“Great reunion. Talk about it later,” said Arthur as he went to get his dagger out of the soldier's face.”
― Lara Lee, The Shadow of the Gryphon

“Trust me… there are real, honorable men still out there. Do you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find him? Yes. Is it even worth it? Absolutely… so don’t give up too soon!”
― Wendi M. Davis, What Cootchie Wash Do You Use? 13 Life Lessons and Real-Life Advice Learned from Online Dating

“I’m not freaking out. I’m turned on. I’m thinking about sniffing your bed pillows like a weirdo, contemplating if it’d be better for you to bend me over the island or the couch, and my ovaries are basically exploding—pew, pew, pew—like fireworks because you’re so good with Chunky that I can imagine you as the one of those dads who’d play tea party with your daughter. And all of that is making me hot and nervous . . . and . . . and . . . I should stop talking now.”
― Lauren Landish, Drop Dead Gorgeous

“She's nowt spesh, didn't even have any ornaments. All her walls were painted white, no wallpaper, just black and white photos in black frames, big things they were. There was no carpet on the floor, bare floorboards and she could only afford to have one flower in a vase. Who buys just one flower Lil? Bit of a cheapskate if you ask me. All top show and no knickers, I reckon.”
― Ann Perry, The Gin Queens

“IDÉE POUR UN COURT DOCUMENTAIRE

Des représentants de l'industrie alimentaire essayent d'ouvrir leurs emballages.”
― Lydia Davis

“- Ouille, je crois que je me suis cassé quelque chose ! dit piteusement Célian.
- Rien d’autre que ton amour-propre, je dirais, dit Axys qui partit d’un grand fou rire. Sauter sur la branche, quelle bonne idée !
- Ravi que ça te plaise ! dit Célian avant d’en rigoler aussi.”
― Cyrille Mendes, Les Épieurs d'Ombre

“Noel slopped, sloshed, splashed and squished through the mud - oh, what fun it was.”
― Kolla Krishna Madhavi, Noel At The Marketplace

“The Devil was waiting for me around the corner; camouflaged in the evening darkness, smiling with a wicked smile while entertaining the thought if he could tempt Jesus Christ with the kingdoms of the world and the glory of them, if he could tempt, Eve first and then Adam, to eat the forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden what match would this glutton be before his destructive powers. This time instead of assuming the form of a vile serpent, he transformed himself into a demonic breeze that wafted out the delicious aromas from all eateries to my nostrils.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I Am Audacious

“An uninvited guest who makes appearances at public occasions with no warning. An unconditioned reflex that cannot obey the dictates of common sense or reason. A reflex that commits an act of betrayal just when one is about to excuse oneself from a populated room. A breaking wind that sometimes chooses the path of silence, at other times loudness. If one is born under lucky stars, one might make it to open spaces with no company just in time to expel the intestinal gas with an unpleasant odour. If star-crossed, a cough or a slight movement or even miscalculations in time to reach the door could cased the wind to explode in a way that compels those in the vicinity to shield their nostrils or turn their head sideways for fresh air in disgust. Farts are mortifying!”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I Am Audacious

“To bein with, no other word other than a swear word conveys the right emotion of the person delivering it, If you're a person who says the F*** word, then you would know what I mean. There is no substitute for this priceless word as it denotes the emotion of the swearer with accuracy - anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. When a person calls another, 'You bi***h', he or she means that the other is cunning, manipulative, self-centred and is a person who uses others for their own vested interests. Correct me if I am wrong.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I Am Audacious

“To be a bathroom singer, one need not have an enthralling voice, need not sing in tune or have the right rhythm or beat. All it takes to qualify is to have a love for music and enthusiasm. It is not rare to come across bathroom singers in one's own family whose genuine efforts to sing a popular song could come across as braying to others as they are often loud, out of tune and out of breath. What we overlook in such situations is that they are connoisseurs of music. Fans of Bollywood and Hollywood films have no problems accepting actors and actresses, who in their roles of common men and women sing in the shower in perfect pitch, like a nightingale or a cuckoo.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I Am Audacious

“Casanovas who have had too many amorous relationships use possessiveness as a protective cloak in which they can hide their pretty girlfriends from the evil eyes of perverts. In reality, as they dread being exposed by their friends or girlfriends, they use possessiveness as an excuse to be secretive and to curtail the opportunities of their current girlfriends from discovering the truth about their true identities. Clueless about the selfish and self-centered motivation of the male partners, the women continue to bask in the attention they are receiving, which they often misunderstand as true love or genuine affection.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I Am Audacious

“Anaesthetic Aesthetic by Stewart Stafford

Crumbs infesting my bedsheets,
Sleeping sand in all the cracks,
As a hijack tick on a giant horse,
Awakened by deadening thudding.

Body falling down the elevator shaft,
Can you stop that instantly, friend?
I cannot focus on all my work here,
You should have water to cannonball.

And another stiff just fell down that,
Cool, go ahead if you have to leap,
You won't see me cleaning that mess,
Shattered carcasses, basement floor.

© Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Today, the sitting finally caught up with me when I bent down to pick up a baseball for group of boys and, well, my pants have perished, and that is why I am in your bridal shop and at your mercy, sitting in your presence, which is against what society dictates I should do, while I beg for your assistance.”
― Grace Hitchcock, Hearts of Gold Collection

“It’s not the end of the party when you die mate,’ said Dexter. ‘The party, it still goes on, you just get permanently booted out of it.”
― Sue Tort, Witness a Killing : Mumford Mystery Book 1