Jim Benton > Quotes

“School prepares you for the real world... which also bites.”
― Jim Benton

“This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.”
― Jim Benton

“How Superheroes Make Money:
- Spider-Man knits sweaters.
- Superman screw the lids on pickle jars.
- Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“never underestimate your dumbness!!”
― Jim Benton, Never Underestimate Your Dumbness

“I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building.
Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Homework strongly indicates that the teachers are not doing their jobs well enough during the school day. It's not like they'll let you bring your home stuff to school and work on it there. You can't say, 'I didn't finish sleeping at home, so I have to work on finishing my sleep here.”
― Jim Benton, Nobody's Perfect. I'm as Close as It Gets

“He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About:
- Titanic sinking again.
- Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda.
- Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Love makes the world go 'round but I'm pretty sure money has to do with it, too.”
― Jim Benton

“The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me.”
― Jim Benton

“Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head?
Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes.
Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off!
Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Your life is like a pizza.
It could be round, it could be square.
But you'll enjoy it most of all
When it's something that you share.”
― Jim Benton

“My pants cut the cheese. Let one fly. Baked a batch of brownies.”
― Jim Benton, My Pants Are Haunted

“Buy me stuff and I'll be nicer”
― Jim Benton

“School prepares you for the real world but I want the fake world. TEEHEE”
― Jim Benton

“For the love of all humanity, shake what your mama gave you!”
― Jim Benton, Frantastic Voyage

“There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:
1. Can I please go to the bathroom?
2. Where is the bathroom?
3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?
4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.”
― Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

“Life is like a pizza.
It is good to eat.
You better share your pizza with me.
You greedy Piggy slob.”
― Jim Benton

“Okay, Dumb Diary, school has taught me a few things over the years. Once, it taught me the difference between alligators and crocodiles. (Even alligators and crocodiles don't really care. Just avoid both.)”
― Jim Benton

“Chess is a very interesting game, and like so many interesting games, it is not in any way fun. It looks like four horses lost amongst a variety of pepper mills and salt shakers, and the objective is to remain awake longer than your opponent.”
― Jim Benton

“I suppose it only makes good sense that you can feel better about yourself by letting someone cut up your face...”
― Jim Benton, My Pants Are Haunted

“glish”
― Jim Benton, Let's Pretend This Never Happened

“I, for one, do not believe the Universe should be this fragile, because it's where I keep all my stuff.”
― Jim Benton, My Pants Are Haunted

“That’s”
― Jim Benton, The Frandidate

“READ”
― Jim Benton, The Frandidate