Robert W. Firestone > Quotes

“That is why in adult life, people generally tend to relive rather than live, that is, to repeat the patterns of the past and defend the primary fantasy in the defiance, and avoid the real gamble or real adventure of taking a chance on something new. They are afraid that if they really cry out, if they really ask, if they really scream for help, that it won't come, and they'll be in the same panicky frightened state they were in when they were little. ”
― Robert W. Firestone

“The purpose of the false self is to defend against pain - not deal with reality”
― Robert W. Firestone

“people, both professionals in the field and lay people, are not fully aware of the extent to which human beings are directed and controlled by primal feelings. They underestimate the pain that is aroused by positive experiences in life. They cannot understand a person’s resistance to positive or corrective experiences and the negative reactions caused by genuine caring or concern. They do not recognize the fact that when people are responded to in a new, more positive way, it severs their bonds and cuts them off from their past. It makes them aware objectively that they were not loved or treated respectfully, that they were not listened to or responded to realistically or compassionately when they were young.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“In general, an ideal partner is (a) open and nondefensive, (b) honest and nonduplicitous, (c) affectionate and easy-going, (d) mentally and physically healthy, (e) independent and successful in his or her chosen career or lifestyle, and (f) aware of a meaningful existence that includes humanitarian values.”
― Robert W. Firestone

“When children are hurt and in pain psychologically, they don't want to be in distress, so when the situation becomes intolerable, they cease to identify with themselves. When they feel the most threatened, they will choose to identify with the person who is the source of their suffering in an attempt to possess that person's strength.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses

“People who are self-denying and selfless have little to offer to others.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses

“No matter how rich their fantasy life had been, it cannot begin to compensate for the bleak emptiness that the real world now presents to their eyes. When they lose the ability to interact in the interpersonal environment, they are profoundly and terribly lonely, for they are not only without others, they also have less of themselves. In this precarious and weakened state of inwardness, a single traumatic event or a stressful interpersonal situation can create a panic or confused state that catapults the person into an acute psychotic episode. In the regression to a previous level of ego development, the patient’s attempts to stabilize and integrate the personality at intermediate stages fail, until finally a very primitive level of equilibrium is reached.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“it is easier to deal with the devil you know, the price of avoiding primal separation and death anxiety is a partial suicide resolution in which one gives up on life. Peace is purchased at the cost of avoiding spontaneous feelings and encouraging a process of emotional anaesthesia—a trade-off in which primal anxieties are ameliorated by sacrificing the zest for life.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Instead of expressing rage and sadness over a loss, the child accepts the blame for being rejected, and from that point on, relentlessly accuses him or herself of being unworthy of love from anyone. “No longer is the feeling of being loved the sole prerequisite for well-being, but the feeling of having done the right thing is now necessary.” (Fenichel, 1945, p. 388) Feelings of worthlessness, self-accusatory thoughts, and the erratic mood swings that characterize certain types of depressive states are controlled by an internal negative thought process or inner dialogue, the voice.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Because of the anxiety inherent in being vulnerable and undefended in a new love relationship, an individual unconsciously attempts to merge and form a unit with the loved one. In forming a bond, the lover is able to alleviate anxiety and attain a false sense of security and safety by sustaining the illusion of being fused. The fantasy of being connected functions as a defense, for whenever this bond is broken, the underlying pain and fear of separation invariably surface.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Furthermore, the image of parental strength and goodness always occurs in close conjunction with the development of a negative image of self. Patients who hate and blame themselves or perceive themselves as basically unlovable are defending and idealizing their parents.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Indeed, the entire process of neurotic living is directed toward resisting a richer, more fulfilled way of life due to the fear of ultimate loss or separation. Throughout life there is a constant struggle between the drive toward actualizing one’s potential and the tendency to be self-denying and self-destructive. A “successful” psychotherapy would be a catalyst for a lifetime process of growing.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Once we know, on a deep level, that we must die, we choose, in various ways, purposely to give up our life in order to dispel the unbearable feelings of helplessness and dread.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses

“The main fact of life for me is love or its absence. Whether life is worth living depends for me on whether there is love in life. Without a sense of it, or even the memory…of it, I think I would lose heart completely. (p. vii)”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“The author sees resistance as the holding on to an imaginary connection to others, due to the dread of re-experiencing one’s sense of aloneness and helplessness. Ultimately, resistance functions in order to protect the individual from experiencing anxiety states that arise from the threats to the neurotic resolution of the basic conflict—the conflict between dependency on inner fantasy for gratification versus a desire for real gratification in the interpersonal environment.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“A number of factors contribute to the development of an individual’s “practiced self-deception.” First, people who live primarily in fantasy confuse fantasy images with real, goal-directed action. They believe that they are actively pursuing their goals, when in fact they are not taking the steps necessary for success. For example, an executive in the business world may only perform the functions that enhance an image of himself as the “boss,” and leave essential management tasks unattended. The distinction between the image of success and its actual achievement is blurred. Retreat from action-oriented behavior is masked by the person’s focus on superficial signs and activities that preserve vanity and the fantasy image. Secondly, involvement in fantasy distorts one’s perception of reality, making self-deception more possible. Kierkegaard (1849/1954) alluded to this power of fantasy to attract and deceive when he observed: Sometimes the inventiveness of the human imagination suffices to procure possibility. Instead of summoning back possibility into necessity, the man pursues the possibility—and at last cannot find his way back to himself. (p. 77, 79) Thirdly, through its assigned roles and its rules for role-designated behavior, including age-appropriate activities, our culture actively supports people’s tendencies to give themselves up to more and more passivity and fantasy as they move through the life process. In addition, the discrepancy between society’s professed values on the one hand, and how society actually operates, on the other, tends to distort a person’s perceptions of reality, further confusing the difference between idealistic fantasies and actual accomplishments. The general level of pretense, duplicity, and deception existing in our society contributes to everyone’s disillusionment, cynicism, resignation, and passivity. The pooling of the individual defenses and fantasies of all society’s members makes it possible for each person to practice self-delusion under the guise of normalcy. Thus chronic self-denial becomes a socially acceptable defense against death anxiety.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“love threatens an individual’s defenses and source of internal gratification and leaves the person feeling vulnerable. Individuals generally react negatively or angrily to being chosen, to being seen as lovable, or to being preferred over others. Personal”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“In contrast to emotional hunger, which has a profound detrimental effect on the growing child, real love sustains and nurtures. Genuine love may be operationally defined as those behaviors that enhance the well-being of children and assist them in reaching their full potential. Outward manifestations of love can be observed in people who make real emotional contact with another person; that is, they have frequent eye contact, display spontaneous, nonclinging physical affection, and take obvious pleasure in the other person's company. In an intimate relationship, love is expressed through direct, honest communication, mutual respect, acknowledgement of each other's boundaries, and a desire to share and cooperate.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses

“realizing it, most people become deadened to their emotions. Early in their lives they turn their backs on themselves, their real desires and wants, and substitute self-nourishing habits and fantasies that only serve to deaden them. They”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“In a defended state, individuals have learned partially to satisfy their own needs, to fulfill their own goals in fantasy. In imagining that they don’t need anyone, that they are capable of taking care of themselves through self-parenting behaviors, they must react negatively to events and to people who offer real gratification. They become dishonest when they attempt to deceive themselves and others that they still want real satisfaction, real friendship or relationships.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Emotional hunger is not love, though people often confuse the two. Hunger is a strong need caused by emotional deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a vain and desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness. This emptiness is related to the pain of aloneness and separateness and can never realistically be satisfied in an adult relationship. Yet many people refuse to bear their pain and are unwilling to accept the futility of attempting to gratify their primitive dependency needs.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Longevity in a relationship does not imply that it is a productive or satisfying relationship. Relationships based on a strong fantasy bond may endure, but they usually manifest a gradual erosion of the spirit, individuality, and emotional health of the partners. In a relationship it is the individuals who matter, not the couple or family unit. Couples and families are merely abstractions, not real entities. The individuals concerned are very real and do matter. Similarly, one can only analyze the value of a social system or society by analyzing its effect on its members: If the individual members are flourishing, it is constructive; if they are impaired or suffering under the social process, then it is obviously destructive.”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“This guilt becomes more evident as young people take tentative steps toward breaking emotional ties with their parents. People seldom recognize this guilt fully on a conscious level, yet it manifests itself in a variety of symptomatic behaviors that are maladaptive. For instance, people tend to withhold their capabilities and talents in those areas where their parents were failures. Because of their feelings of guilt, they seriously restrict their active pursuit of personal goals and achievement.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“Thus, maintaining a good image of the parent is mistakenly perceived by the patient as being essential to stability and security; yet, paradoxically, its preservation perpetuates self-hatred.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“The child must conceptualize him or herself as bad or unlovable in order to defend against the realization that the parents are inadequate. Recognition of real faults in the parent would destroy the bond, or the imagined connection, and the feeling of imagined self-sufficiency.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“In protecting the original process of imagining fulfillment instead of obtaining it in the real world, a person has to distort other people, misperceive their motives, hate the self, and in some sense, preserve an idealized image of the family. An inward style of life and dishonest communications hurt the people closest. By contrast, living an undefended life means risking hurt and frustration in an honest pursuit of goals. However, a person can learn to develop an open, nondefensive life style, free from the deception and double messages so damaging to others.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“They must come to face the facts about their illness and its cause and must learn to feel worthwhile and lovable. At the end of this difficult and arduous process they should be able to transfer their learning to other persons in the social environment and be able to make the necessary adjustment for living in the larger world.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“For emotionally mature individuals, on the other hand, a mutual commitment that expresses a desire to be associated with another person throughout life can be a positive expression of deep feeling rather than an attempt to find “ultimate” security.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“The precept of unconditional parental love is a fundamental part of society’s morality and the core of family life. It leads to considerable guilt feelings in parents. These feelings of guilt further contaminate the picture for those individuals who have difficulty in, or are incapable of, loving their offspring. The alternative to facing this painful lack in oneself is to act as though one is loving whether or not one happens to be. Most parents who have come for psychotherapy over the years have found it difficult to admit to not loving their children. The author has spent considerable time and effort to convince obviously unloving parents that they do not love their children and that this fact is innocent.”
― Robert W. Firestone, The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

“When children are taught that personal wants and desires are selfish, there is a resultant guilt reaction and movement toward a state of selflessness. However, our wants and desires make up a major part of our identity. When they are suppressed, we don’t know who we are, and without a sense of self, we lose compassion for others (Firestone, 1987b, 1997a).”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy