Lois Greiman > Quotes

“A pause. It might have been pregnant. I’ve never been sure how to tell if a silence has conceived or not.”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“I froze like a startled bunny. Fumbling the disk into my purse, I cut my eyes toward the hallway.

Had I locked the front door?

Of course I had. Only a moron would break into someone’s house and forget to lock the door.

Damn it! I’d forgotten to lock the door.”
― Lois Greiman, Unplugged

“Not surprisingly, the kitchen was the most interesting, but only because I discovered a package of Oreos in the cupboard.”
― Lois Greiman, Unplugged

“Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.”
― Lois Greiman, Unzipped

“Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.”
― Lois Greiman, Unzipped

“If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.”
― Lois Greiman, Unplugged

“A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“He's just a flash in the pants.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“No civilized being lived in North Dakota.”
― Lois Greiman, Counterfeit Cowgirl

“Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.”
― Lois Greiman, Unzipped

“I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.”
― Lois Greiman, Unmanned

“Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.”
― Lois Greiman, One Hot Mess

“I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.”
― Lois Greiman, Unzipped

“If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed