David Walliams > Quotes

“All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.”
― David Walliams, Gangsta Granny

“In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.
Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.
Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“A bully can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“It's strange how sometimes you can be so happy it goes all the way round to sadness.”
― David Walliams, Billionaire Boy

“It was impossible to sleep. Anxiety stopped me from falling asleep; depression woke me up.”
― David Walliams, Camp David

“I think all those rules are boring. About what people can and can't wear. Surely everyone should be able to wear whatever they like?”
― David Walliams, The Boy in the Dress

“Adults always ask kids how they are doing at school. The one subject kids absolutely hate talking about. You don't even want to talk about school when you are at school.”
― David Walliams, Gangsta Granny

“But children nowadays don't believe in magic. They are forever watching TV and playing computer games. They never look to the skies any more.”
― David Walliams, Demon Dentist

“It was a long, long time since anyone had hugged him, so he hugged himself.”
― David Walliams, Billionaire Boy

“Spending so much time alone had turned Chloe's imagination into a deep dark forest. It was a magical place to escape to, and so much more thrilling than real life.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence.”
― David Walliams, The Boy in the Dress

“You mustn't let bullies get you down.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."
Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.
"Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.”
― David Walliams, Billionaire Boy

“Comfort eating or pure greed? Most likely a mixture of both. Pieces of cake or biscuits or chocolate could instantly sweeten the sourness of my life. If you have been called gay all day in the playground, a cake when you returned home from school offered some consolation. A fairy cake of course.”
― David Walliams, Camp David

“Perhaps Mother was trying to shame her into losing weight. In truth, it only made Chloe more miserable, and being miserable only made her eat more. Filling herself up with chocolate, crisps and cake felt like being given a much-needed hug.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“You can’t go on running forever…” “And you can’t go on…” Alfie desperately searched for the right word, “…mopedding* forever!”
― David Walliams, Demon Dentist

“In his dreams he would be a hero. In his life he felt like a zero.”
― David Walliams, Grandpa's Great Escape

“All our lives are hard in one way or another... But listen to me... We need to be kind to each other, and stick together, OK? This place is tough enough without you making my life a misery.”
― David Walliams, RatBurger

“He seemed lonely too, not just alone, but lonely in his soul. That made Chloe sad. She knew full well what it was like to feel lonely. Chloe didn't like school very much. Mother had insisted on sending her to a posh all-girls secondary school, and she hadn't made any friends there. Chloe didn't like being at home much either. Wherever she was she had the feeling that she didn't quite fit in.”
― David Walliams, Mr Stink

“They may have only had one pence to spend, but their hearts beamed with gold.”
― David Walliams, Bad Dad

“That life is precious. Every moment is precious. We should be kind to each other. While there is still time.”
― David Walliams, The Midnight Gang

“The Frog Prince The princess kisses the frog and contracts a waterborne disease that makes her bottom explode.”
― David Walliams, Awful Auntie

“But as ever in life, wherever there is tragedy, you can often find comedy.”
― David Walliams, Grandpa's Great Escape

“As a teenager I was both prurient and prudish. I was so full of self-loathing that in my mind it was unthinkable that any girl would ever want me. I hated everything about myself.
The way I looked.
How I spoke.
Even how I thought.
In my head I believed myself to be completely and utterly unworthy of love.
My life had only just begun but I felt that I had already ruined it.”
― David Walliams, Camp David

“But being a child, he’d never been asked for his opinion.”
― David Walliams, The Boy in the Dress

“Unfortunately for Ben and Granny, it turns out that ancient poo does still pong.)”
― David Walliams, Gangsta Granny

“BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!” The chants grew louder and louder. “BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!” They started clapping in time now. “BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!”
― David Walliams, Billionaire Boy

“At once, Raj set about finding some dry clothes for Ben and the Queen. However, all he had were his unsold costumes from Halloween. “This is your size, Your Majesty,” said Raj, handing her a lobster costume. “One has never dressed as a lobster before. What fun!” she said, taking the costume behind the card carousel to change. Next, Raj picked up one of his princess outfits. Before he could say a thing, Ben snapped, “NO!” “What do you mean, no?” asked Raj. “No means no! I am never, ever, ever dressing up as a princess!” “But you would look so pretty!” Raj implored. “NO!” “Well, the lobster outfits are too big for you.” The Queen reappeared with hers on. “Red is so your colour!” remarked Raj. “Oh, why thank you, Mr Raj. Now come on, Ben. You can’t stay in those wet things – you will catch your death of cold!” “But—” “No buts, Benjamin! Put it on! That’s an order from your Queen!” Ben harumphed and disappeared behind the card carousel. Moments later, he reappeared awkwardly. He was dressed as a princess with the grumpiest look on his face. “You know I said how pretty you would look as a princess?” began Raj. “Yep.” “I was wrong.” Then,”
― David Walliams, Gangsta Granny Strikes Again!

“Speeding around his own private racetrack in his own Formula One racing car. Some”
― David Walliams, Billionaire Boy

“As soon as Ben had been set down and the lorry driver had plodded off to unload the next waxwork, Ben darted off down the corridor. He needed to find the scene of the crime, to see if there were any clues the police had missed. Eventually, after passing the waxworks of presidents and popes and pop stars, but strangely no plumbers, he found the room where the figures of the British royal family were on display. As the theft had been in the news, the room was full of tourists eager to catch a glimpse of the empty space where the waxwork of the Queen had stood. Some were even taking pictures of… well, nothing. Ben looked around the ornate red-and-gold room, decorated to look like the”
― David Walliams, Gangsta Granny Strikes Again!