Graham Parke > Quotes

“I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.”
― Graham Parke, Unspent Time

“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.”
― Graham Parke, Unspent Time

“My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.

Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)”
― Graham Parke

“Just before I look under my bed, I always get a little cold feeling, as if part of me expects to find something staring back at me.

I've probably seen too many Hollywood movies to have any hopes of ever cultivating a healthy relationship with the underside of my bed.”
― Graham Parke

“Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike.”
― Graham Parke

“I make sure to always have some spinach between my teeth so people are disinclined to bother me.

Survival strategies for the 21st century.”
― Graham Parke

“Sometimes I'm so smart, I almost feel like a real person.”
― Graham Parke

“It's finally happened; scientists claim to have discovered the very first person in history who doesn't like french fries.

Just imagine the implications!”
― Graham Parke

“I didn't want to do it,' Kiala said. 'The universe just kind of conspired to force me to make a fool of myself. It does that quite a lot, actually.”
― Graham Parke, Unspent Time

“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“Do you ever feel that everything would be okay, if only you had an Irish accent?”
― Graham Parke

“I'm not sure my belly button is exactly in the middle. I wonder what that means..”
― Graham Parke

“Factor 40. It’s like rubber cement. It’ll take me a good twenty-five minutes to grind this stuff into her skin. I shudder at the thought. Skin should never get old, there’s no point to it. Or perhaps it’s just an evolutionary deterrent. You’ve served your biological purpose. You’re not supposed to reproduce anymore, so now you get to look like dried fruit until you die. Mom”
― Graham Parke, Sometimes I'm So Smart I Almost Feel Like a Real Person

“You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, and now you know, beyond a doubt, that you’re an asshole.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“Gravity has a slightly stronger hold on me than it does on other people. I’m sure of it. It pulls on me a little harder during the day, and really tugs away at me first thing in the morning. It’s freaky.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“In all these years, I’ve never seen you smile so often. Are you mentally ill?”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“She’s funny and intelligent, well-mannered and clean, and her smile is exceedingly cute. Also, she has big tits.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“Passed the kitchen and noticed the sandwich. It still had huge chunks of moist, tender chicken breast in it. Didn’t want to waste it. Wasn’t hungry either so I booted my laptop and put the remainder of the sandwich up for auction on eBay.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“I wore an elaborate disguise that made me look like a caterer from a rivaling company.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“His gums stopped bleeding and his skin cleared up.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“I must’ve been stone-cold sexy this whole time without even realizing.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“If that’s the case, then maybe you should be looking at people who wanted him dead, not people who needed him to scoop up monkey poo.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“what was it they called you? It’s on the tip of my tongue. It was something to do with cats and large amounts of body fat…”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“why hadn’t all these women tried to jump me?”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“stating the cause of death to be completely natural and, if possible, even somewhat pleasant.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“My dad gave her the finger, went down to town hall, and took the name of the person in line ahead of him. He wasn’t aware he’d overheard a last name.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!