Vivek Shraya > Quotes

“I have always been disturbed by this transition, by the reality that often the only way to capture someone’s attention and to encourage them to recognize their own internal biases (and to work to alter them) is to confront them with sensational stories of suffering. Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?”
― Vivek Shraya , I'm Afraid of Men.

“I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The pressure to be “good” is not exclusive to one gender, nor is it applied equally to all genders. To be clear, the stress on girls to be “good” far surpasses any stress men might feel to be “good.” This disparity is perhaps best exemplified by the fact that when a girl does something “wrong,” few mourn her goodness. We rarely hear, “I thought she was one of the good girls.” Women who behave “badly” are ultimately not given the same benefit of the doubt as men and are immediately cast off as bitches or sluts. Men might be written off as “dogs,” but their reckless behaviour is more often unnoticed, forgiven, or even celebrated—hence our cultural fixation with bad boys.”
― Vivek Shraya , I'm Afraid of Men.

“Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are merely seen as "typical" for men. But "typical" is dangerously interchangeable with "acceptable".”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“What would my body look and feel like if I didn't have to mold it into both a shield and an ornament? How do I love a body that was never fully my own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Falling in love with another human is terrifying. As our language insists, romantic love is always preceded by a fall, the necessity of losing control and potentially hurting yourself in the process of connecting with another”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“But your fear is not only hurting me, it's hurting you, limiting you from being everything you could be. Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviours, emotions, and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine. What might your life be if you didn't impose these designations on yourself, let alone on me?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“This praise highlights another problem with the idea of the "good man"—the bar is ultimately a low one, and men are heralded every day for engaging in basic acts of domestic labour like washing dishes. It is this low bar that also renders the experiences I've shared unexceptional and therefore so often unnoticed. Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are seen as merely "typical" for men. But "typical" is dangerously interchangeable with "acceptable." "Boys will be boys," after all.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Queerness is associated with freedom from boundaries.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The theme of entitlement to space that emerges in many of my recollections of men, and in my own masculine development, is colonial code for claiming someone else's space. Whether it's through an emphasis on being large and muscular, or asserting power by an extended or intimidating stride on sidewalks, being loud in bars, manspreading on public transit, or enacting harm of violence on others, taking up space is a form of misogyny because so often the space that men try to seize and dominate belongs to women and gender-nonconforming people.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“I wish we could go back to that moment. The discovering each other phase. The addictive self-revelation through another's eyes phase.”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“When I was learning to be a man, I wish that instead of the coaching I received to take up space, I had been taught to be respectful of space. To be ever conscious of and ever grateful to those whose sacred land I inhabit. To be mindful of the space and bodies of others, especially feminine bodies. To never presume that I am permetted to touch the body of another, no matter how queer space. To give up or create space when I am afforded more than others.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“If we want masculinity to be different, we must confront and tackle the baseline instead of longing for exceptions. Loving your mother, holding a door open for a woman, being a good listener, or even being a feminist doesn't make a man an exception. Experiencing oppression—including racism, homophobia, and transphobia—doesn't make a man an exception. If we are invested in perpetuating and glorifying the myth of the "good man," we are also complicit in overlooking, if not permitting, the reprehensible behaviour of the "typical man.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Why is being touch by strangers — strangers who refuse to identify themselves — a form of flattery?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“How cruel it is to have endured two decades of being punished for being too girly only to be told that I am now not girly enough.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“If we want masculinity to be different, we must
confront and tackle the baseline instead of longing for exceptions.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“...to what extent is sexuality shaped and constrained by childhood experiences of male violence? What might desire feel like if the construction of sexuality didn't take place in tandem with childhood experiences of violence from men?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“And so, I’m also afraid of women. I’m afraid of women who’ve either emboldened or defended the men who have harmed me, or have watched in silence. I’m afraid of women who adopt masculine traits and then feel compelled to dominate or silence me at dinner parties. I’m afraid of women who see me as a predator and whose comfort I consequently put before my own by using male locker rooms. I’m afraid of women who have internalized their experiences of misogyny so deeply that they make me their punching bag. I’m afraid of the women who, like men, reject my pronouns and refuse to see my femininity, or who comment on or criticize my appearance, down to my chipped nail polish, to reiterate that I am not one of them. I’m afraid of women who, when I share my experiences of being trans, try to console me by announcing “welcome to being a woman,” refusing to recognize the ways in which our experiences fundamentally differ. But I’m especially afraid of women because my history has taught me that I can’t fully rely upon other women for sisterhood, or allyship, or protection from men.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The disdain for women and femininity is insidious, infecting even those who profess to love women, and it takes many forms.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me—and all of us who are pushing against gendered expectations and restrictions? What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibility—yours and mine? Might you then free me at last of my fear, and of your own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Some friendships need to die. Sometimes we’re so trapped in old patterns or comforts that we don’t offer anything meaningful to each other except history.”
― Vivek Shraya, People Change

“What was it about whiteness that seemed to elicit an infinite spring of faith and second chances?”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“Falling in love with theory was not unlike falling in love with a human.”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“I'm also afraid that the most prevalent response these stories will elicit is pity. Even worse, I'm afraid of the necessity of eliciting pity in order to generate concern or galvanize change.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“I just spend a lot of time alone in my apartment, and my favorite moments are the rare ones that are word-free, thought-free, tweet-free.”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“She always knew she was on the verge of invention at the precise moment when originality felt impossible. That instead of surrendering to despair, she would needle in and out and through her brain until an idea surfaced ― naked, stripped of predictability and familiarity. By embedding herself into her song, she muted any risk of passing off mimicry as art. Why wasn’t fully committing to creation more desirable than observing what everyone else was doing and doing the same?”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“Unlike many artists, she had never considered herself a mere vessel for the muse, or a medium, or even a parent. Her songs weren't her "babies". Her songs were her.”
― Vivek Shraya, The Subtweet

“Our ideal self is actually holding us back, not propelling us forward. Like our true self, the notion of the ideal self once again limits us to one ultimate self, instead of giving us room to grow and explore alongside our evolving circumstances and desires. It limits our future. Once we’ve arrived at destination Ideal Self, there isn’t anywhere else to go. To some, this might be an achievement. To me, it’s stifling. I hope that I’m not actually my ideal self now, because I want to know who else I can be, what other layers I might shed or add.”
― Vivek Shraya, People Change

“My friendship with you marks the first time in my adult life when a man not only makes me feel that I can offer what I've chosen to offer, but also that it will be welcomed.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.