John Niland > Quotes

“... think of self-acceptance in terms of “permission.” So, for example, “accepting the need to rest” might become “giving myself permission to rest.” In whatever way you look at it, self-acceptance or permission means you honestly acknowledge reality. It also means putting down the stick that we’ve been using to beat ourselves. In this way, the pain lessens and our capacity to act is enhanced.”
― John Niland

“As the foundation of all progress with self-worth is acceptance, we build self-worth by asserting our value, not assessing it. Self-worth is a declaration, not an evaluation. There are no scales, no points, no scores out of a hundred, no preconditions. There is but a single assertion: “Because I’m worth it” or your own equivalent.”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“Much of what torments us is often just flickering images, in particular the unfavourable assessments about life (and ourselves) that we make. As we watch that self-critical movie in our minds, we reproach ourselves over and over. Self-acceptance is about quitting this shabby movie theater and stepping outside into the sun.”
― John Niland

“Our relationship with ourselves significantly affects how we interact with other people. Our self-esteem frequently depends on how we feel we are “doing” at relationships. Given that this fluctuates, so does our self-esteem. Intellectually, we may tell ourselves that it shouldn’t, but when have emotions ever obeyed the intellect?”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“The problem with all these assessments is that people frequently judge themselves for what they are not. If society puts the majority of people on the wrong side of the attractiveness line—and seems even more likely to do so in the future—then your friendship with yourself becomes more vital than ever. If self-esteem is conditional upon feeling good about your looks, you are planting your relationship with yourself in shallow soil, in ground that is destined to be eroded even further in the years ahead.”
― John Niland

“When it comes to self-worth, it pays to watch out for sabotaging voices, particularly those masquerading behind “positive” affirmations or conditional gratitude. Real self-worth—the type that stands the test of time—is built by decoupling our relationship with ourselves from all conditions. While your health or physical appearance may influence what you have—or even what you do—there is no intrinsic reason for it to shape who you are.”
― John Niland

“Our happiness is therefore often mortgaged to our dreams of ideal love. Whether we explain this as the influence of advertising, childhood stories, Hollywood, iconic songs, or hormones, we invest a lot in these dreams. It’s easy to see our ideal partners as the perfect solution to woes such as loneliness, lack of acceptance, economic insecurity, or the need for approval. Perhaps they hold the key to our sexual fantasies. Or they are that missing “other half” that will enable us to achieve our dreams. Right?

Wrong, according to the Spanish philosopher and therapist Joan Garriga. As he writes in his book El buen amor en la pareja [The right kind of love in relationships]: “Your partner can bring you happiness, but they can’t make you happy. This is an important distinction.” In Garriga’s explanation, love and happiness are separate domains. Your happiness is your responsibility, not your partner’s. Needless to say, this flies in the face of just about every lyric we’ve ever heard in a love song!”
― John Niland

“When I’m acting out of low self-worth, I can beat myself up for hours for a silly mistake. Or attack the other person, in order to smoke-screen my dissatisfaction with myself. Or I may become anxious about my memory, worried about what else may be slipping out of control. I react to the other person’s angry words, instead of just seeing the hunger or tiredness or anxiety behind them. I feel slighted or humiliated or resentful about the way I’ve been spoken to. In a hundred different ways, I re-experience my inner suspicion of being “less than” or “not enough.”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“Asserting requires action. Self-worth is an active process, not a passive state. When we start asserting our worth, we do healthy things like eat well, exercise, and consciously choose people and activities that are good for us. We do a couple of things each day to improve our lives—because we are already worth it.”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“My biggest concern with positive affirmations is not so much whether they work or not, but that they reinforce this tyrannical imperative of positive thinking (and self-esteem). In this kingdom of positivity, there is no room for down days. When my friend cannot be positive, will she be even harder on herself? That’s the problem with positive thinking: it’s a plant with shallow roots. We need deep roots to sustain us through prolonged harsh conditions. Hence the insistence on planting self-worth in deep soil, below the shallow layer of all assessments.”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“If I have a deeper relationship with myself, my roots go downwards toward an intrinsic sense of worth, not outward toward an extrinsic search for validation, not even in a conditional and often fleeting reputation with myself.”
― John Niland

“You can change careers, friends, and even partners, but the body always comes with you. You cannot emigrate from your body. Cosmetic surgery may be capable of removing the pockets from under the eyes—at least for a few years. […] The body is the house that we always reside in. […] When we talk about self-worth, we are not just referring to some inner “ghost in the machine.” We include hands, feet, legs, belly, chest, and shoulders. Whatever age these parts of us may be, whether they are too big or too small, too long or too short, even healthy or sick, when can we make peace with each vital part of ourselves and recognize its intrinsic value?”
― John Niland, The Self-Worth Safari: Valuing Your Life and Your Work

“When it comes to self-worth, laughter is not just about fresh perspective; it is also about liberation. When we laugh at ourselves, we do more than just see those burdens of expectation that have often weighed us down for years. In a moment of hilarity, we can also free ourselves from those burdens.”
― John Niland

“For several decades, we have been slaving for a better reputation with ourselves—better looks, more achievement, keeping fit, optimal work-life balance, not to mention changing the world—but is all this really making us happier?”
― John Niland

“Shinzen Young’s formula suffering equals pain multiplied by resistance (S = P × R) applies perfectly in these types of situations. We magnify any pain by the degree to which we fight it. When we stop reproaching and start accepting, suffering diminishes.

A big part of the Self-Worth Safari adventure is that of reconnecting with your intrinsic reality, rather than living in the mental movie theater of self-assessment and self-reproach. The terrain of romantic love can be painful enough without adding any additional penalty points. If you have lost a partner (or someone you hoped would be a partner), even if love has eluded you entirely, that’s enough to deal with. You don’t need the additional burden of negative judgment about yourself. The pain of loss heals with time, but self-reproach is like a cancer that eats away at happiness and energy.

Self-acceptance is a deep understanding of who you really are, with honest acknowledgment of (so-called) strengths and weaknesses as well as your needs. It means accepting your reality, even when it’s not “enough”.”
― John Niland