Mark Schweizer > Quotes

“He works in profanity the way another artist might work in watercolors, each word carrying various hues and subtleties not available to the casual curser. His work in the field of gerunds alone would make him a legend in any seaport on the east coast.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“I don't have much use for bishops. There's a reason they're called primates.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Cantor Wore Crinolines

“She smiled a smile that could make Wagner order a Matzah ball.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Cantor Wore Crinolines

“she sat down gracefully, crossing her tweed-covered legs with an elegance belying the sound of tweed-on-tweed, a sound not unlike forty Amish farmers shucking corn.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“the krummhorn has all the musical range and beauty of a piglet caught in a vacuum cleaner.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Mezzo Wore Mink

“She was attractive in the sort of way that some heavy women with very short hair and no makeup, wearing a three piece brown-tweed suit with wingtips and smoking a cigar can be called attractive. She reminded me of my Aunt Mable. Or Winston Churchill.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“Father Tony had banished the dreaded “children’s moment” soon after he’d returned to taking charge of the services. Now”
― Mark Schweizer, The Diva Wore Diamonds

“she said in a voice so low it could have been wearing spike heels and still skittered under Dick Cheney’s credibility.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Mezzo Wore Mink

“Benny only worked on major feast days since some of the parishioners complained about the smoke, but, as far as I was concerned, the more smoke the better. If the altar disappeared altogether while he was censing it, I was happy.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Bass Wore Scales

“ignored the barb. “Hey!” I said, changing the subject as neatly as a Democrat in a tax debate.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Soprano Wore Falsettos

“I wish you would have included more quartal progressions utilizing the lowered 4th and 7th tones in the tertiary modal harmonizations. It might have given a more authentic Romanian feel to the 'motif of longing' that you kept reiterating whenever the heroine appeared on the screen.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Countertenor Wore Garlic

“Assam is a province.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes

“Tiff was a voice major at Appalachian State and had been singing in the St. Barnabas choir for a couple of years under our “scholarship for young singers” program.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Diva Wore Diamonds

“I figured my odds were about as good as those of a floral design consultant in a biker bar.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“Don’t ask, don’t tell.” That was our Advent motto. Well, that and “Come, Lord Jesus.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Organist Wore Pumps

“The Great Crack hadn't gone so well. Someone had decided that glow sticks were preferable to candles on Christmas Eve, at least for the 5:00 PM service when the most children were present. Everyone was to take a glow stick, snap it on cue, and wave it aloft during the singing of Silent Night, bathing the sanctuary in a warm, nuclear green glow. Unfortunately, this same someone had left all the sticks outside on the steps until five minutes before she needed them, and since the temperature was hovering just above zero, the goo had gone quite solid. The sticks did crack — “exploded” would be a better description — and green chunks of glowing ice sprayed across the congregation. Several parents took their kids over to the ER in Boone, not sure if they'd ingested any of the chemicals or not. No one showed any lasting effects though.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Maestro Wore Mohair

“It was a voice that was familiar, but not too. I looked up and measured her like an undertaker at a nursing home. Her hair was short, her legs were long and the rest of her fell somewhere in between. It was the "in-between" I was interested in. "I'm Starrbuck. Starrbuck Espresso. But you can call me Starr. I brought you some coffee.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes

“I liked my Australian women the way I liked my kiwi fruit, sweet yet tart, firm of flesh, yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Diva Wore Diamonds

“her hair--white in the moonlight--swirled about her head like a shimmering sea of mashed potatoes highlighted by streams of melted butter;”
― Mark Schweizer, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes

“I don't have his number," said Marilyn as offhandedly as Captain Hook”
― Mark Schweizer, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes

“My eyes went as crazy as Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry's love-child.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Treble Wore Trouble

“Back, a few years ago, when Benny Dawkins was learning the Doubly Inverted Reverse Swan, the trick that won him third place in the International Thurifer Invitational in London a few years back, he was perfecting the maneuver at St. Barnabas when, one Sunday morning, he happened to catch poor Iona Hoskins behind the ear with the pot, knock her out cold and catch her wig on fire.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Soprano Wore Falsettos

“Something was gnawing at my brain; gnawing like one of those tiny carpet beetles that crawls inside your ear when you're asleep and lays a hundred thousand eggs and when they hatch, you decide to become a TV Evangelist--it was like that, but with less bad singing.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes

“His work in the field of gerunds alone would make him a legend in any seaport on the east coast.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“What was quite amusing for the choir also became very amusing for the congregation when an unnamed tenor, reading The Alto Wore Tweed, let loose a guffaw just as Herself reached the pinnacle of her sermon. Most of the parishioners turned and looked up. It was at this point that Elaine's head popped through her choir robe. She saw the congregation looking up at her, tipped her chair sideways, and, with her arms totally immobile and no way to keep herself upright, fell onto the floor.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Alto Wore Tweed

“Not ROMAN Catholic," said Race Rankle, now as smug as a Texas school board member at a book burning. "ROMANIAN Catholic. We're going to replace those tired religious symbols with those chattering teeth you can get at Cracker Barrel, black velvet chokers, and Halloween candy.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Countertenor Wore Garlic

“I loved Fauré's Requiem as a callow youth, but as I "matured" in my musical tastes, I dismissed it for many years, choosing instead the settings of Mozart, Verdi, and Duruflé, of Brahms and Britten: even Penderecki and Ligeti. All wonderful, of course, but now, it seemed, I had come full circle. Now it was my favorite.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Lyric Wore Lycra

“As far as I could tell since I hadn't seen a copy of the Missal, was that contained had three versions of the Eucharistic prayers:”
― Mark Schweizer, The Cantor Wore Crinolines

“Holy crap, it's the end of the world," Pedro said, missing yet another chance to demonstrate that he could differentiate between scatology and eschatology.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Treble Wore Trouble

“This was a Baptist church and except for the organist, it was as empty as a Baptist church on Good Friday.”
― Mark Schweizer, The Mezzo Wore Mink