Phil Foglio > Quotes

“Any plan where you lose your hat is a bad plan.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Beetleburg Clank

“As Master Payne escorted her to the waiting coach, a small frown crossed her face. "People keep giving me rings," she confided to him, "But I think a small death ray might be more practical.”
― Phil And Kaja Foglio, Agatha H and the Clockwork Princess

“Marie clasped her hands together and looked vulnerable. Payne flinched. “The only time you don’t tell me something is when you think it’s dangerous, because being a fragile, sheltered noblewoman, I might faint at the thought of experiencing physical harm like a common person.”

She sighed, and seemingly from nowhere, produced an enormous cast-iron frying pan easily one hundred centimeters in diameter. “And then,” she said sadly, “I have to damage one of the good pans by smacking it against your thick, common skull until you tell me—”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H and the Clockwork Princess

“Agatha Clay: "I've never had coffee. Lilith said a young lady shouldn't drink stimulants."
Zeetha: "Drink your coffee like a warrior."
Agatha Clay: "...Yes, Zeetha.”
― Phil Foglio

“Klaus Wulfenbach: Was my son upset?
Bangladesh DuPree: Oh, him? Yeah! He's all set to be a hero and rescue her--and then he finds out he'd need fireplace tongs to get her undressed? Yeah, upset is the word.”
― Phil Foglio

“Now I am in control!" He followed this statement with a burst of laughter that showed the owner had done a fair share of gloating in his time, and had the basics down pat.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H and the Airship City

“She's a smart girl, so she doesn't trust you, but she obviously likes you.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Chapel of Bones

“Agatha was a connoisseur of headaches, and was relieved at the transitory nature of this one.”
― Phil Foglio Kaja Foglio, Agatha H and the Airship City

“You know, there's more to being an evil despot then getting cake whenever you want it."
"If that's what you think, then you're DOING IT WRONG!”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Sleeping City

“Is this one of those situations that involves "ethics"? 'Cause I'm a cat, you know. I've never been very good at those.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Voice of the Castle

“People keep giving me rings. But I think a small death ray might be more practical.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Clockwork Princess

“Agatha, I've decided. I'm going to marry you for your library.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Hammerless Bell

“No, Klaus, it isn't a game. I am determined to change. I do love him. It should be enough. Besides, they always win. There must be something to their philosophy. --Lucrezia Mongfish:”
― Phil Foglio

“Tarvek: "You call that 'throwing?'"
Gilgamesh: "Hey, at least I got his hat!”
― Phil Foglio

“Ah! Speak of the devil, and you find her in your hat.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Clockwork Princess

“--But you're such close neighbors, and you've been at war for HOW long?"
"Oh, a really good war -- you don't want to waste it on STRANGERS!”
― Phil Foglio, The Incorruptible Library (The Second Journey of Agatha Heterodyne Volume 3)

“Councillor: But – I thought you said the new Heterodyne was a girl?
Vanamonde von Mekkhan: She is. That’s just the boyfriend.
Councillor: That’s – we’re … we’re going to have to break out those little iron cages for their children, aren’t we?
Vanamonde von Mekkhan: Uh-huh.”
― Phil Foglio

“The reason these diatribes are heard by more than just the occasional potted plant or captured hero is this: sparks quite frequently find themselves surrounded by people whether they want to be or not. We are not just talking about the stereotypical traveler whose cart breaks down during a storm and thus must seek shelter at the lone castle glimpsed through the trees and so finds himself at a timely ringside seat for the revelation of the latest abomination of science (although there is no denying this happens far more than is statistically probable). No, your seriously steeped-in-madness dabbler in the esoteric sciences usually finds themself taxed with a rag-tag collection of hangers-on, typically consisting of minions, constructs, adventurers, and those unique, unclassifiable, individuals whose raison d’être appears to be to remind us of what a strange world it is. Even more interestingly, it appears that the greater the spark, the more of these individuals they spontaneously accumulate.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“I keep thinking he can't be all bad ... and then he opens his mouth.”
― Phil Foglio

“The encyclopedia is the only place in the world where World Domination comes before Work!—The last words of Joaquin the Illiterate, just before he hit that big red button labeled Do Not Touch”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Violetta: If I had a Belgian chocolate mimmoth for every hour I've had to listen to Tarvek blather on about those stupid muses, I'd weigh a thousand kilos.
Professor Mezzasalma: ... really?
Violetta: Oh yeah. I worked it out once.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Guardian Muse

“The Great Hospital prided itself on admitting anybody (though they might very well be arrested as soon as they were wheeled out of Recovery). However, this meant, as a matter of course, people who had enemies were lying around helpless. Needless to say, there was the occasional attack by people who just couldn’t resist the opportunity. Quite frequently, these attackers wound up next to their intended victims in adjoining beds, which actually had an astonishing recuperative effect on all concerned, as no one wanted to be the “last man down.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Everyone had heard about Abominations of Science but, like unicorns, they didn’t actually believe they existed. Thus everyone was rather grateful when the third Madrid Conference of Scientific Inquiry and Philosophical Horrors—Unleashed! released a codified list of things that constituted actual Abominations of Science. Over the years, this useful list has been updated and curated by our own Transylvanian Polygnostic University and has proven of great use to teachers, courts, and record books. The only downside was that one of the conference members—a Herr Doktor Spanakopita—was so embarrassed that none of his previous efforts met the requirements that he, in a fit of pique, bred a race of unicorns, who went about stabbing people while quoting the parts of the list that covered biological abominations. Before he was stabbed to death, he was graciously acknowledged as a genuine Tamperer in Things Man Was Not Meant to Know and his oft-desecrated gravestone lists his accomplishments in full.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“As we have mentioned, dragons are not really considered a viable life form, as they come into direct conflict with humans over things like money and power, which, frankly, is just asking for it.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Malek: … does this mean no more kissing?
Varpa: … less kissing. This is important.”
― Phil Foglio, The Incorruptible Library (The Second Journey of Agatha Heterodyne Volume 3)

“Never burn a bridge unless your foe is on it, captain.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha Heterodyne and the Voice of the Castle

“You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.” Agatha thought about this and was filled with a sudden conviction, one that would stand the test of time through everything else that happened to her through the years. “If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Marshmallow guns (or other similarly useless weapons) are actually fairly common accessories in your typical spark laboratory. No one knows why. They just sort of accumulate.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Are you all right, Lady?” Agatha looked up. “I guess. I just wonder how many other girls have to worry about whether or not it’s smart to really trust their . . . you know, the guys they—” Lady Vitriox crossed her arms. “All of them,” she said flatly. “But mine has an army!” The old woman shook her head. “They all do, my Lady. It consists of other men.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Or you could just blow Castle Wulfenbach out of the sky.” Othar clapped his hands in delight. “An excellent suggestion, young apprentice!” Tarvek ignored this. “Except, of course, that Gil is still up there.” “Even better,” Othar declared. Tarvek briefly considered this, then reluctantly admitted, “But he still has my notes.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg