Bill Thomas > Quotes

“The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass all the time.”
― Bill Thomas

“Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priests talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the younger first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, “Where is God?” The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, “Where is God?” The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, “We are in BIG trouble!” His brother replies, “We haven’t done anything!” The younger brother replies, “God’s missing, and they think we did it!”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“Q. How do you feel when there is no coffee? A. Depresso.”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“What is Mozart doing right now? A. He is decomposing.”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole'boy finally goes with her to her little local church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The preacher replied, "Oh!!Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn’t use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I’m sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon! The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I CANNOT HAVE YOU BEHAVING THIS WAY IN CHURCH!" The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“We are all human beans.”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“CINDRELLA   Q. why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? A. Because she kept running from the ball. BELT     Q. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A. Waist of time! ELEVATORS   Q. Why do ghosts love elevators? A. Because they lift their spirits! GRAVEYARD   Q. Why are there fences around a graveyard? A. Because people are dying to get in!”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes

“I don’t trust these stairs because they are always up to something.”
― Bill Thomas, Just Kidding : Laugh Out Loud Jokes