Rory Miller > Quotes

“Why is a caterpillar wrapped in silk while it changes into a butterfly? So the other caterpillars can't hear the screams. Change hurts”
― Rory Miller

“Here's a rule of life: You don't get to pick what bad things happen to you”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence

“It is better to avoid than to run, better to run than to de-escalate, better to de-escalate than to fight, better to fight than to die.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“Develop the habit of doing unpleasant things quickly and without hesitation. If you are going to jump in the cold water, jump in the cold water. If you need to get up, get your ass out of bed. Do the dishes that need doing. Finish the hard jobs at work while everyone else is coming up with excuses to get out of them.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“To manage fear you only need to believe you can do things.

To manage danger you must be able to do things.”
― Rory Miller

“If I label someone as “bad,” I know my own meaning: he will hurt someone to get what he wants. If I use “evil” it means he will hurt someone even when he doesn’t want anything.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“No one who loves you will want you to be weak.”
― Rory Miller

“A wise man once told me about the trouble with going into law enforcement as a career, "No matter what any bleeding-heart tells you, 3% of the people in the world are scum. The trouble is, if you spent 80% of your time with that 3%, you start thinking that 80% of the world is scum.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“When I tell someone that the most important thing a young woman can do to avoid being raped is to avoid places with lots of young men (and if you absolutely have to go to those place, don't drink) the dumb responses range from: 'Girls have a right to have fun' to 'You're just blaming the victim' all the way up to the ludicrous, 'A woman should be able to walk naked into a biker bar and not be bothered.' These are political ideals. They might even be the way the world should work. They are not the way the world actually works. The responsibility for self-protection has to rest with the potential victim because the potential rapist has no interest whatsoever in her safety or rights. The potential victim is the one who cares.”
― Rory Miller, Violence: A Writer's Guide

“If you deny reality, you cannot control reality.”
― Rory Miller

“Know this: Your own brain will lie to you. It will backstab and sabotage you to prevent ANY change.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“The Predator has already “othered” you to a sufficient extent that any communication that relies on a shared feeling of humanity will be ineffective. The Threat does not see you as the same species.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“A common romantic script is the rescue. One person has a horrible past of abuse and betrayal and latches on to a romantic partner who wants to be the hero and protect her from all badness. The protection from harm quickly becomes a protection from consequences. The rescued princess uses the relationship as a safe environment where growth and becoming strong are not necessary. The relationship quickly becomes co-dependent. The victim cannot survive on her own, and the rescuer gets his identity from shielding her from the world.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“it is difficult to solve a problem that you are almost entirely ignorant about. You cannot work for peace while ignoring violence any more than a doctor can create treatments while refusing to study disease.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Violence never solved anything.” This platitude is so patently and obviously false that it takes some pretty special mental gymnastics to say it, much less believe it. The fact is that some things, especially dangerous things happening very fast, can ONLY be solved by violence. This adage frequently infuriates professionals because sometimes the problem they have solved with violence was their own survival or the survival of someone they loved. Survival is pretty hard to devalue.”
― Rory Miller, Violence: A Writer's Guide

“Whether the person you are dealing with is playing a Monkey dominance game or is a pure predator, he wants to deal with a Monkey. When you are in your Monkey brain you are emotional and most of all predictable. Predators (rapists, robbers, murderers--but also the cold-blooded corporate ladder climber) thrive on this and count on you following your social scripts.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“if someone says, “Shut the fuck up or I’m going to beat your ass,” and it escalates into a fight you will have real trouble proving self-defense... because you didn’t simply shut the fuck up. Self-defense is about defending your body, not your pride. If this threat display devolves into a fight, you were engaged in the Monkey Dance. You were not defending yourself. •”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“Someone is going to read this and think, “I have a right to go anywhere I want. Just because something is dangerous doesn’t take away my rights.” Let’s get this over with now. Defending yourself is not and never has been about rights—rights are those things that the civilized members of society agree everyone deserves. When you hit the ground and taste blood in your mouth, when a steel-toed boot slams your head into a curb, when a knife slips under the waistband of your skirt and a hand is wrapped around your throat, the civilized agreement on how people should be treated is not an issue.”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training and Real World Violence

“    In a thousand years or ten thousand, no one would remember my nation. It, too, would share in oblivion and prove to not matter, to never have mattered.
    The same for my species, and the earth, the universe, and God. When the last star winks out, none of it will have mattered - and it ten billion years, I will still be nothing - and equal to God. 
    That was the first stage in my enlightenment: to understand that nothing matters. Hence, everything is equal.”
― miller rory

“Do not interpret anything I say here to mean “don’t fight back.” I’m also not going to patronize you with half-truths or platitudes. This is ugly on many levels: the level of the incident and the level of social conditioning to “get along,” which can make it so much harder to decide not to be a victim. This means that if and when a woman chooses to fight, it must be a total effort. In many cases, there is no level of force that will simply discourage a male attacker. He must be incapacitated. This is my advice and I think this mindset is critical, but the actual statistics are less grim—many assailants do run away and do not escalate when they encounter unexpected resistance.”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training and Real World Violence

“There is an old saying, “Never ascribe to malice what can better be explained by stupidity.” That’s good advice.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“If you can smell things, you’re breathing right.” What I found was that consciously smelling the Threat not only kept me breathing but was both calming and put me in a predator mindset.[39] It was very, very effective.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“People are stupid and talk a lot of shit. But only in the abstract. They are loud-mouthed in their machismo and silent in their cowardice.”
― Rory Miller

“Understand this: Once you trigger the other person’s limbic system, he or she cannot process your facts. Nor will they process the facts until after the Monkey issues have been resolved. No matter how right you are, no matter how unassailable your facts. Those are Human concerns and the Monkey trumps the Human. Had I the knowledge or the skill, all the resistance my ineptness triggered was not only avoidable but manipulable. Everything was predictable. Had I walked into the office and said, “Captain, I know I’m just a tactical guy, but I saw that memo and I had this idea. I don’t know anything about budgets but it made sense to me, so I’d appreciate it if you’d take a look at it and see if I’m completely off base. “I know I should have gone through the chain of command, but I figured you were the only one up here who wouldn’t laugh at me if I was wrong…” I know I’m just a tactical guy. In the captain’s role as protector of the future of the agency, starting by saying that I know where I belong and I’m happy there doesn’t trigger the status check. I’d appreciate it if you’d take a look…  Take a memo and tell one boss, “Sir, I have just solved all your problems” and that boss will shut you down. Take the exact same memo and tell a different boss, “Could you help me with this?” and he will be flattered. If you want the Monkey out of the way, whenever possible raise the status of the person you are dealing with.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Last thing--there is a universal way to see who you are, if you have the courage. You are reflected in your friends. If you have no friends, or all of your friends are asses… it’s you. You’re an ass. Hate to be the one to tell you. If, on the other hand, you look at your friends and feel humble that people so cool are willing to spend time with you--in that case you are doing well. Just don’t get smug.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“At the meta-level, it is deciding what is worth fighting, dying, or killing for long before the subject comes up, and acting decisively when the line is crossed—the second half of the “Go” button. Like awareness, this can go deep and can affect far more of your life than simply combat or self-defense. Want to change your life forever? Commit right now to never make a half-assed decision again. Stay in bed or get up, but never again lay in bed thinking that you should get up. Jump in the water or don’t, but never wade in slowly to get used to it.”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training and Real World Violence

“Read DeBecker’s book.”
― Rory Miller, Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

“Do you want to get over this?” This is her contract that will be used over and over again to remind her that SHE wanted to change and she was willing to pay the price. There is great power in the victim identity. Instructors and other students go out of their way to be accommodating and gentle. The survivor can often get out of any drill or derail the entire class by admitting her discomfort. This sentence allows the instructor to point it out when this happens, to point out that the benefits of victim status must be given up to outgrow the victim status. This is hard, but critical. The subtle power in the victim status often seems like the only good thing and the only survival tool to come out of the event. Many are reluctant, very reluctant, to give up a useful “victim identity” for a possible stronger self.”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training and Real World Violence

“Fitness is objectively the most important effect of martial arts training. The physical skills and self-defense aspects of training will never save as many people from violence as the conditioning will save from early heart attacks.”
― Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence

“If part of the other guy’s definition of a win is to enjoy you broken and begging, there is no win-win.  You must understand that not only are there people who enjoy debasing others, they have been very common throughout history and they are still the norm in certain cultures.”
― Rory Miller, Violence: A Writer's Guide