The Harvard Lampoon > Quotes

“So, Belle, what's new today?"

Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."

Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I typed in a single word: Vampre. Google asked, 'Did you mean vampire?' I said, 'Yes.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I had recently come into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened that book, I was like, whoa! Word party!”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross.

"Ironic, huh?" Edwart said.

"Why?" I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me.

"Because we're Jewish, of course--nonpracticing.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight

“Muurp," muurped Edwart.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Nice piano," I said. "Do you play?"
"oh no, but Edwart does!" Eva Mullen said.
"A little," Edwart said sheepishly.
"Go ahead, play!" Eva said. She picked up the triangle that was lying on the piano and handed it to Edwart. He started banging on it. It sounded like construction work very early in the morning.
"Whoops. I messed up. Let me start over," he said.
He started banging again.
"Wait. Uh. I haven't practiced in a while. Let me start over."
Edwart continued to bang the triangle. Eva closed her eyes and raised her arms, swaying rhythmically to Edwart's music. Edwart held the triangle up high, in what appeared to be a grand finish, but then he brought it down hard, hitting the top of the piano. He continued to bang the piano, putting the entire force of his slim body into each smash. The piano shook. The room vibrated. When he finished I subtly removed my hands from my ears.
"I wrote that for you," Edwart murmured, drawing me close. "It's called Belle's Lullaby.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“You're lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man... he was trying to sell you a Sega product.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Suddenly I blurted out. "I love you more than everything in the entire galaxy combined into one potent, delicious piece of gum!”
― Harvard Lampoon

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Germs contagious, contagious alert!
But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“He made small talk on the way about how he was abandoned as a child and will only rest easy once he is avenged. His name was Tom.”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I'll have AB positive', I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor, 'What's it made of? Apples and Bananas?'
-Belle Goose”
― Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“ You don't have to hide your natural inclination to boss me around. I want you to feel comfortable with me, Edwart. To the point of domination."
"Okay, okay." He took a deep breath and pointed at me. "You," he said stiffly, the words flowing straight from some primordial, bossy wordbank. "Come to the place where you want to go, which, hopefully, is my car, where I will be, God willing.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison tats.
"Go into the nearest dark alley," I recalled Jimbo saying. "Freeze like a rabbit or the creature you desire your attacker to mistake you for. If your attacker shouts out to you, respond politely - maybe your optimism will change his mind. If you're about to get into an elevator with a man you feel uncomfortable spending time with in a small, escapeless room, head right in. Remember , fear i an irrational emotion, you should probably ignore it."
Armed with these tips, I hung a right into the nearest dead-end, curled into a ball and started rolling.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn't know I had admirers there too, but I wasn't that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS's love letters and closed the door without reply.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight

“We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person's skin. I was going to respect Edwart's desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures.”
― Harvard Lampoon

“As soon as we were inside, Edwart's family rushed to greet me. What seemed like thirty people circled me, chattering away.
"Oh my god, you smell good."
"Good smell, good smell."
"(she really does smell good.)"
"do you mind if I put my nose right on you? Right on your arm?"
"More smelly smelly please."
"If I could destroy every part of my brain except the part that smelled your smell, I would do it. I would do it in a second."
"Let's go, Belle," Edwart whispered and grabbed my hand. We pushed through the ravenous vampires nad out the front door.
"So that went well!" I said outside in the U-HAUL. I sniffed my hair. I did smell good.
"No, no, that wasn't my house," Edwart said, starting the truck. "I don't even know those people! Sometimes I get addresses confused.”
― The Harvard Lampoon

“They all got really quiet and started to lick their lips, closing in on Lucy. I started to lick my lips, too, because it's one of those subconcious, contagious things like sneezing, but then I stopped because it just isn't worth it if you forgot to bring ChapStick.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“How about we walk back? Through the cemetery?' One thing my mom had taught me is that it's difficult to refuse requests made in italics.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I noticed there was garlic above the doorframe. Edwart held a stake in one hand and a 'Team Jacob' shirt in the other.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing out for, slowly growing conscious that my fate was in the hands of a group of college kids who'd kill me off just for a laugh.
Little did they realize that I was organizing a revolt.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight

“I want to leave all my friends and the sunlight for a small, rainy town.”
― The Harvard Lampoon

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“Then, suddenly, I remembered the accident, and Edwart's snow-proof body, and his eyes that changed from I-don't-remember to green, and I knew.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“So all this time you thought I was a vampire?' Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to the left.
'Sure,' I said, 'you know, the lion falls for the lamb...'
'What?'
'Sorry. It's easier for me if I explain things in animal terms.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“I had to admit, I did look stunning for a caterpillar's pupal casing. Lucy and Laura would say I looked more "hAwWt and jUiCaYyY ;)" but I think that "stunning" was a much better word. I had recently come into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened that book, I was like, whoa! Word party!”
― Harvard Lampoon

“Germs contagious, Contagious alert!
But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody