Les Carter > Quotes

“Humility grounds a person in the realization that life is not always fair, yet it can be manageable. Genuinely humble people are psychologically secure because they do not require others to dote on them, nor do they try to position themselves for favored treatment. Even as they lay down the wish to play God, they also choose not toe allow another human to assume the position of a god over them.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize And Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Empathy requires us to step outside of our own agendas long enough to develop an understanding of the other person's perspective. It can be rightly stated that no relationship will be whole without ongoing displays of empathy.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize And Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“People pleasers, however, tend to overlook the reality that others are responsible”
― Les Carter PhD, When Pleasing You Is Killing Me

“When people pleasers go too far in their pleasant ways, they may inadvertently be guilty of encouraging others to continue in selfish or disrespectful behavior. Instead of receiving kind gestures with a spirit of gratitude, some people respond with an attitude of entitlement.”
― Les Carter PhD, When Pleasing You Is Killing Me

“People like Steve can learn to address anger constructively. For instance, requests can be made for appropriate treatment without the request turning into an opportunity to belittle or intimidate. Boundaries and stipulations can be established even as the offending person is treated with dignity. The experience of anger not only does not have to become a springboard for foul treatment, it can actually prompt someone to stand up for needs and convictions in a positive manner.”
― Les Carter, The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life

“Angry people may appear strong, willful, or certain, but be assured that beneath the veneer are fear and loneliness and insecurity and pain. Especially, there is pain.”
― Les Carter, The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life

“If compliance will get them what they want, they will feign a cooperative spirit. If they think lying is necessary, they will say whatever needs to be said. If it seems profitable to keep secrets or to reveal only partial truths, they will do that.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“You cannot afford to be overcome by chronic anger simply because the person in front of you chooses inappropriateness.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Others manipulate through pouting, giving others the silent treatment, being secretive or stubborn, conniving behind others' backs, or being intimidating. Whatever the means, their behavior indicates that they place no value on open, straightforward communication; their only concern is that they get their way.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Each difference in a relationship represents an opportunity for the participants to grow and stretch.”
― Les Carter

“Narcissists are not genuine. The ways they publicly present themselves are not necessarily true representations of what they really feel or believe. They are more interested in posturing for favorable reactions than being known as authentic. Rather than understanding relationships as safe havens where openness and transparency can be practiced, they enter relationships looking for ways to coerce others to do their bidding. Narcissists replace fair and honest exchanges with behaviors that manipulate other people so that they can get their way.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Passive-aggressive people have not developed enough trust in others to be truly open. In fact, they shun opportunities to reveal who they really are because they feel that there is too much risk that they will lose power if they reveal themselves.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Despite the destructive nature of this personality profile, many narcissists have a history of appearing friendly and agreeable-at first. Only after people have ongoing exposure to the private world of a narcissist do they experience the pain such a person can cause.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Humble people are dignified, not because they believe their behavior can be an effective tool to control others, but because they have made dignity a part of their character.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize And Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Common sense indicates that some people are not mature enough to properly handle your most confidential disclosures; so in those circumstances, it is best to avoid certain disappointment. Furthermore, you will have some casual relationships that are not necessarily unhealthy, but you may not have the time required to develop them at the deepest levels. That, too, may be a valid reason to hold back in self-disclosures. Even in the relationships that are not conducive to complete openness, though, you need not retreat into a style of relating that requires you to keep up a false front. A good rule of thumb for avoiding an unnecessary buildup of anxiety is to find a few people you can trust with full disclosure, and with everyone else, maintain a calm, yet candid, attitude that indicates you accept yourself just as you are. As a simple illustration, when Judy told Dr. Carter that she didn’t like being known as a divorcée, he replied to her, “I can appreciate that this is something you don’t like about your life’s script. Nonetheless, that’s where you are. The sooner you can be straightforward about that reality, the better off you will be emotionally.” How about you? What facts about your life do you try to hide? (For instance, “I don’t talk to anyone about the fact that my son has a drug problem” or “I’ve kept it secret for years that I was pregnant when I married my husband.”)”
― Les Carter, The Worry Workbook: Twelve Steps to Anxiety-Free Living

“Psychologically healthy people generally seek to be genuine, which involves a commitment to internal and external consistency. Simply put, genuineness means that someone's behavior can be trusted as an accurate reflection of that person's inner beliefs and priorities.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

“Despite their general disinterest in others' feelings, narcissists yearn to be admired; they need to win others' approval, even as they posture to keep a manipulative edge. They become masters at feigning interest, when in fact they are not interested at all. They can cover contempt for someone with seemingly genuine friendliness. So skilled are they at appearing likeable that even close associates can be fooled into assuming that all is well in the relationship even when it is not.”
― Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life