Jennifer Rardin > Quotes

“I pictured Cupid sitting in a crappy little bar, drunk and depressed, while he moaned to the bartender, "That Jasmine Parks, gods, she pisses me off! Did you see what she just did? Totally blew off this immortal stud to play kiss-the-boo-boo with a fickle little rent-a-cop. Why? 'Cause she's the biggest chickenshit on the planet! I'm ready to toss my bow and pick up a bazooka!”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!”
― Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite

“Sometimes things would be so much simpler if you could just pull out your gun and shoot the bad guy. Reason number seventeen why Indiana Jones is my hero.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“Your father sounds frightening," Trayton said.

"He once made a general cry."

"No."

"I shit you not. The guy had to retire after that. I mean, really, who's going to follow your orders after some damn colonel's reduced you to tears?”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death

“Fear sucks. Because you never know when it will attack. Sometimes it sneaks up behind you, giggling like your best girlfriend from seventh grade. Then it whacks you on the back of the head, takes you straight to your knees before you realize what hit you. Other times you can see it coming, just a dot on the horizon, but you're like a canary in a cage. All you can do is hang in there and hope you don't get motion sickness and puke all over the newspapers.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“So... you're an assassin?" Dave asked incredulously.

"Why do I feel like you'd have used the same tone if I'd just confessed to being a stripper?" I demanded.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just surprised, is all.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Biting the Bullet

“Excellent."
As soon as Bergman left earshot Vayl said, "I am going to buy you some pom-poms and a short pleated skirt-"
Hey, if Bergman needs a cheerleard, that's what he's getting."
Vayl tipped his head to one side and smiled wickedly. "I was just thinking perhaps I need a cheerleader as well."
Cassandra got up. "If that's where this conversation is headed, I'm leaving."
She wants some pom-poms too," I told Vayl.
I do not!”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“I can't belly dance.'

Yes, you can. It's in your fi--'

Will you stop reading my goddamn file!”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“So of course that was the moment my motherboard decided to do a short internal scan, throw up its hands, and screech, “Dear Lawd, a VAMPIRE has taken mah blood!” and initiate a general shutdown. ”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“I sat up. Slowly. Between the belly dancing, the fire, the visit to Dave and it's aftermath, the night had taken its toll.
You look like crap!" Cole said merrily. "I like the hair though."
He made a camera frame with his thumbs and forefingers and in the genie voice from Aladdin said, "Now what does this say to me? Homeless women? Tornado victim? Britney Spears? I've got it! Preschooler who's misplaced her gum!"
I regarded him balefully. "You're a morning person, aren't you?"
You make that sound like a bad thing."
Not if you stop talking.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“Cassandra,” he said, “I hope you know that poaching Muppets is illegal in this country.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“When I bite you, it'll be because I want to make your toes curl and your hair stand on end. And you won't need stitches afterward. You'll need crutches.”
― Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite

“Cole - I just thought of a new game.
Jaz - What's that?
Cole - Splat the Specter.
Jaz - Rules?
Cole - You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that it involves water guns filled with grape Kool-Aid and two ferrets named Biff and Chlamydia.
Vayl - Why Ferrets?
Jaz - Really? You want to know about his choice of pets when he's named one of them after an STD?”
― Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite

“Cole!" Cassandra smacked him on the shoulder.
"Wha-?" When he opened his mouth all you could see was half-chewed goo.
"How old are you?" I demanded. I threw shrimp at him and it got stuck in his tangle of wig hair. Bergman fished it out, wiped it off, and put it back on the serving dish.
"Now, thats disgusting," said Cassandra.
"Children!" Vayl's voice boomed in our ears, loud and sudden enough to make us all jump guiltily. "I trust you are all preforming actual work right now."
"Chill out, Vayl," I replied. "Bergman is just conducting and experiment to see how vampires respond to ingesting brown hair dye."
"That makes me curious, Vayl," said Cole in a sticky, goodie-between-the-gums voice that reminded me of Winnie the Pooh after a major honey binge. "Have you ever colored your hair? You know blonds have more fun."
"Not when they are in the hospital.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“Hey, if you're going to price yourself, I say go high.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death

“Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'
Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'
Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bite Marks

“Is your butt buzzing?"

Cole, you have the worst timing! I jerked upright, tring to pull my phone out of my pocket and managing instead to bang my elbow against the wall.
Ow! Oh, shit that hurts! You know, the guy who decided it should be a funny bone was just a freaking masochist. Or is it a sadist? I always get those mixed up.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death

“I'm just being practial. I knew someday I might have to bare my throat to you. Pete and I discussed that very possibility. As for the danger and risk taking, that's what Pete pays me to do. And you and I both know he inteneds to get his money's worth."
Jasmine, I cannot-"
Why not!"
Because you are not food!"
I stared at him for a minute; the I started to grin. I couldn't help it.
Vayl"-I tried to keep my face straight- "I'm not asking you to eat me.”
― Jennifer Rardin

“Apparently you don't have to observe the Rules of Etiquette when reuniting with a muderous spouse.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“Have you dared to eat my son?"

I laughed. Actually, it started out as more of a giggle that grew. Because my mind went straight to the gutter.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death

“Sounds good. Drive safe."
He sighed, knowing I really meant, "Take care of my Mercedes.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“I am driving an unfamiliar vehicle down a narrow road I've never seen before. Do you really want to be pissing me off right now?”
― Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite

“Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked.

"Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?"

Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death

“I like these boots," I told Vayl.

"Do you think they'd sell them to me cheap? I keep ruining mine."

"Since when do you fret over money?" he asked with amusement. "I was not even sure you knew what to do with it."

I shrugged. "A women has needs."

"Still." said Cole. "Gosh, Jaz, why didn't you say something to me? I'd never let you suffer.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“Cassandra watched him go, slumping a little as the distance between them grew. "He was so nice."
"Yeah."
"And look at that butt."
I considered said item. "Definitely superior. But not for Cassandra hands?"
She shook her head sadly. "Another person stands between us now. He'll meet her within the month."
"Is she prettier than you?"
Cassandra started to smile.
"Well?"
"No"
"Ha!"
"Jaz!"
"Honey, we've got to take our victories where we can find them.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Another One Bites the Dust

“Unbelievable. After what just
happened between us no, I don’t have any right. None at all. We’re barely a
couple. We’re not even sleeping together. I have to-"
What in God’s name are you babbling about?"
"You’re cheating on me!"
"I never cheat.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“Okay, okay, backing off. Um, I suppose this would be a bad time to ask you to talk to Pete for me, you know, about the car?'
His eyes widened. I could almost hear him thinking, Of all the nerve! 'You were driving,' he said.
'But he likes you so much better than me.'
'That is because I do not keep wrecking the rentals.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“Now, here's what we do. You and I will find a back way out of this place. If we come across someone else, we make like a couple of lovesick teenagers. People generally hurry past heavy breathers. I get you to the parking lot, you vanish. Got it?"
He nodded. "There's just one thing I've got to do before we go," he said. Before I could inquire, he grabbed me and planted a kiss square on my mouth. It was short but fiery, despite the grape flavoring, and when he let me go I wan panting.
Holy crap!"
He smiled, not at all apologetically, and said, "I've wanted to do that ever since I saw my first Bond movie.”
― Jennifer Rardin

“We went to the door and I let Asha in. I expected an uberawkward moment when he and Vayl met. But Asha took care of that problem right away. "So you belong to Jasmine," he said in his melancholy voice. It somehow delivered Vayl his deepest condolences without bearing a trace of malice toward me.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Biting the Bullet

“There you go. Use your granddaughter to pick up women. That'll get you points in heaven.”
― Jennifer Rardin, Bitten to Death