Ian Pattison > Quotes

“Some burglars are vermin, they're no better than, well, investment bankers - there, I've said it.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“This is what you get in life. Wee flannel-arsed naebodies sittin' behind a desk tryin' to make you sweat in your stool. And see when they do? Y'can feel the wind-up key take another turn in your back.”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt

“Cancer gets a bad press but, fair do's, it's a truly egalitarian illness, unlike those stuck-up bastards ME and motor neurone.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“Rab: Like a wee chip, Burney son?
Burney: Stick your chips up your arse!
Mary: Heeey, hey, hey, hey - manners.
Burney: Please.”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt

“No one of these bloody jobs exist do they? Christ, y'just stick them up there to take the bare look off the walls.”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt

“In the fifties there were no paedophiles. There were only simple honest-to-goodness child molesters.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“Christmas carols? Oozy, squeezy, treacly middle-class propaganda crap!”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt

“Once you realise you're never going to be a somebody, you have to kid yourself that being a nobody can still be interesting.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“Have you ever wondered what it would be like', he said, 'if we could tear down the dividing walls of every house in the street? If we could see folk the way they really are after they stop talking their crappy garbage about the weather and go in and shut the door? Have you ever wondered that? If you ask me', he said,' every bastards half mental'.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“There's a funnel up his arse and a breeze between his ears. All the same I suppose his guess is as good as ours y'know? All he knows is 'shut up and keep going'. I mean, I for one, I can't make any philosophical advance on that. I mean, honestly - can you?”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt

“When a scumball turns on Songs of Praise he sees three hundred quantity surveyors warbling about 'My Lord in heaven', and he knows his name's not on the guest list.”
― Ian Pattison, A Stranger Here Myself: Being the Life Story and Revelations of Mister Rab C.Nesbitt of Govan

“Now you lady, you can go an' run your arse up a cheesegrater”
― Ian Pattison

“No, forget love, the best we can hope to mould, given the poor Play-Doh of humankind, is a capacity for tolerance. This is achievable since tolerance is little more than indifference with a Dulux coat of manners. Surely we can manage that? Call me a dreamer but I can see a world where people of all races, creeds and colour will live together in harmony because they don't give a toss about each other.”
― Ian Pattison

“Listen you here to me boy. The only way this book is gonnae turn you intae a tall, Aryan god, is if you stand on the bloody thing.”
― Ian Pattison

“See the bints? They might be soft on the outside, but see on the inside? They've got hearts on them like Hygena worktops.”
― Ian Pattison

“Y'cannae see can ye? Y'know who christened you lot the 'underclass'? The same sinister bastards that changed Windscale to Sellafield...they're nuthin' but a lot of jumped-up fascist bastards!”
― Ian Pattison

“Do you want to buy a bloody flower or don't ye?
Aye. As a matter of fact I'll take the whole soddin' bunch.
Aye well, good. It's time you treated m'Ma better.
Oh, they're not for your Ma, son. These are for you.See because I'm gonnae ram them doon y'delicate bloody Karma hole!”
― Ian Pattison

“I'm a frightful example of what happens to those who step out of line...When people talk about spongers, they forget the contribution we make to the upholding of the status quo. I am a walking, staggering cattle prod, frightening the Reeboked animals into manageable herds, so that the ordered life of Western society may continue undisrupted. I am, if you will, a sort of policeman. As a responsible citizen I spend my meagre Giro benefit on high-duty items like cigarettes and spirits so most of the money the government allows me is ploughed straight back into its coffers. The remainder I spread like a thin fertilizer over the parched hard pressed land of small businesses - corner shops, pizza parlours and low-grade supermarkets. Even, God help them, those 'worse off than myself' get a look in since what few clothes I own are provided by jumble sales and charity shops. Furthermore, when I die, I shall leave no burgeoning bank account. Whatever may pass through the hands of a waster remains permanently in circulation since he has neither the means nor the pre-disposition to save - in effect, a congenital waster is as lean, fit and economically viable as the most stringently run software corporation.”
― Ian Pattison

“Correct me if I'm wrong. But it was you stuck the head on the policehorse?
It deserved it didn't it. Standin' there whinnying at me in that bloody Kelvinside accent.”
― Ian Pattison, Rab C.Nesbitt