Alan Partridge > Quotes

“Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu. Picture that for a second - a blob of tofu the size and shape of a brain. Now imagine taking that piece of tofu, and forcing your thumbs into it hard. It would burst wouldn't it?
Okay, now imagine those thumbs weren't thumbs but thumb-shaped pieces of bad news. And there weren't two of them, they were about half a dozen. Imagine you were forcing all six pieces of bad news - a divorce, multiple career snubs, accusations from the family of a dead celebrity, estranged kids, borderline homelessness, that kind of thing - into a piece of tofu.
With me? Good. Now imagine it's not tofu, but a human brain. And they're not pieces of bad news but six human thumbs. That's what happened to me. In 2001, my brain had half a dozen thumbs pushed into it.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Hello, Alan." said Carol's dad Keith.
"Hello, Alan." said Carol's mum, Stella, not bothering to think of a greeting of her own.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Her yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox, like a gynaecologist bellowing into a woman.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came to a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Snowflakes fell from the sky like tiny pieces of a snowman who had stood on a landmine.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“The father, Trevor, was an asthmatic, but what he lacked in being able to breath quietly, he more than made up for with parental skills.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Sport, on the other hand, is straightforward. In badminton, if you win a rally, you get one point. In volleyball, if you win a rally, you get one point. In tennis, if you win a rally, you get 15 points for the first or second rallies you’ve won in that game, or 10 for the third, with an indeterminate amount assigned to the fourth rally other than the knowledge that the game is won, providing one player is two 10-point (or 15-point) segments clear of his opponent. It’s clear and simple.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“For three long days, I felt the cold hand of death on my shoulder. Lost in the depths of despair I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I wasn't an evil person. The worst thing I'd ever done was kick a pig - School trip to Heston Farm, 1964, I maintain it was self-defence.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“He is also a keen cook, gardener and birder. He has no middle fingers on one hand, so he can't swear but is permanently doing the heavy metal sign.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“My heart is, in the wise words of Billy Ray Cyrus, achy breaky.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“I woke with a start. At first I assumed I’d trumped myself awake again .”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“My bottom is itchy so I stop in the middle of the landing and scratch it lightly. The fiddling merely tantalises the itch, and it becomes more aggressive. I respond in kind, dragging my fingernails across my fundament in a frenzied jerking motion. With one hand braced against the wall, I’m now grabbing and clawing at the angry aperture, slashing and scraping in a bid to ease the sensation. It’s a delicious relief but I know it’s merely stoking the irritation. And so after a final flurry – scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit – I stop scratching. My backside pleads with me to continue but I resist, and in a few seconds the itch subsides on its own, as I knew it would.10 I”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“If I was feeling like a challenge, I'd kick out the plug, turn the taps on and see if I could maintain the exact water level. It was a bit like balancing the clutch in an old Mini Metro. Although tricky at first, by the time I checked out I could find the bath's biting point within three minutes. Satisfying? Just bit.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women.”
― Alan Partridge

“As I write these words I’m noisily chomping away on not one, but two Murray Mints. I’ve a powerful suck and soon they’ll be whittled away to nothing. But for the time being at least they have each other. For the time being, they are brothers. Which is more than could be said for me, for I was an only child. I”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Now, this is an uncomfortable thing to discuss, but I run towards discomfort like a man who has strapped truth explosives to his body and made his peace with God.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“I woke with a start, at first I thought I had trumped myself awake again - it was summer so there was lots of fresh vegetables in our diet. But as I listened through the darkness I realized that something far worse was going on. My mother and father were having the row to end all rows. A sudden shot of fear ripped through my pre-pubic body. And now I did trump. The noise fizzled out of my back passage like a child calling for help. That child was me.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Like the name of a cartoon Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it’s 10:10.’11 It”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Scott has continued acting but now stars exclusively in gay pornography. Fortuitously he has grown into the spitting image of Richard Gere, so, has made a lucrative series of films that pay sodomichal homage to Gere's back catalogue. Gays of Heaven, Pretty Man, and An Orifice and a Gentlehand.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“Hello, you must be Alan.’ It was production runner, Paula. ‘I’m the production runner, Paula.’ ‘That’s a nice name.’ This was my go-to compliment when meeting people for the first time. ‘Oh, really? Do you think so?’ Problem was, it worked less well with what one might call the shitter names, such as Paula, when it could sound dangerously sarcastic. ‘Absolutely, my mum was called Paula.’ My mum was not called Paula, but by lying I had stopped sounding like I was being sarcastic.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Big Beacon: The hilarious memoir from the nation's favourite broadcaster, perfect for Christmas

“It’s 20 February 1995. I am standing by a graveside, the wind whistling through my hair like a wind whistle. My father died on 15 February, and has now been buried. At a sparsely attended funeral, his casket has been blessed and lowered into the ground. I am invited to be the first to throw earth into the grave. I crouch down and, unsure of how much to put in (why don’t they just tell you?), I push up my jacket sleeves and use both arms to sweep an enormous mound of earth from behind me and into the hole – like a couple of arm bulldozers. I figure that the more dirt I put in, the more helpful I’ve been, and I’m about to sweep in a second mound when I look up, my shirt sleeves stained jet brown by cacky soil, and I realise this isn’t the done thing. My mother tuts and looks away.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“my remarkable walked”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit.”
― Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

“I, myself, would never shoot big game (and would hesitate to even lay traps for them). You see, as a committed animal liker – #animals – I think very carefully about which animals I am and am not prepared to kill.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Could professional disappointment have been what made him so bitter, like it did with BT Sport’s Ray Stubbs?”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Well suited to those with large shoulders and feet like spades, swimming enjoyed a boost in popularity in Victorian times when, due to advancements in water husbandry, we were able to domesticate H2O, trapping large amounts of it in four-sided pits or ‘pools’.”
― Alan Partridge

“Get into QSPC in the next two weeks or the walk to Dungeness will surely – surely – kill me. But is such a transformation even possible? Well, other than the fat back that’s dogged me since the age of forty, I have a surprisingly toned body. Well proportioned and naturally hairless, it’s a physique that’s still able to draw admiring glances to this day, whether on a tropical beach or in the leisure-centre showers.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad