Douglas Hackle > Quotes

“Though completely irrelevant to the story, seventeen minutes and thirty-two seconds later, every instance of the word “the” that appeared in this chapter transmogrified into a tiny, blue, pineapple-headed bat that flew away to France to start a brand new life even though they all hated France (except for French fries, guillotines, and that place in France where the naked ladies dance). Regarding the latter, apparently there’s a hole in the wall where tiny, blue, pineapple-headed bats can see it all.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“King Kranlin became dizzily aware that day was now indiscernible from night, that selfness was essentially the same as otherness, that all things had become nothing, and that nothing had become everything.
“What’s happening to me?” he croaked.
“I shot you with my deconstruction pistol,” King Derridap said. “An invisible différance-bullet has pierced that well-fed belly of yours. You’re deconstructing.”
― Douglas Hackle, Clown Tear Junkies

“A few moments later, the dude was deader than a dogshit-covered Chicken McNugget that’d been set on fire before getting tossed off the top of the goddamn Empire State Building.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“TERROR MAN. TERROR FACE. TERROR CLOWN. TERROR CHILD. TERROR MAN. TERROR FACE. TERROR CLOWN. TERROR CHILD.”
― Douglas Hackle, Tall Tales with Short Cocks Vol. 4

“Hello,” he said. “Who is this? . . . Who? You’re breaking up a bit there, pal. I can barely hear you . . . You’re the president of what? . . . Of the Citizen Kane fan club? Well, how about that? . . . You want to what? Sorry, the connection is still bad. You’re breaking up . . . You wish I’d just drop by already? Is that what you said? Well, thank you! That’s awfully nice of you. I will certainly do so as soon as my schedule permits. Unfortunately, I’m kinda busy at the moment, hoss . . . Ah, I can hear you much better now! . . . Eh, you’re not the president of the Citizen Kane fan club? You’re the president of the Citizen Kane is the Worst Movie of All Time fan club? . . . And you don’t wish I’d just drop by already, you wish I’d just die already? . . . Well, fuck you too, mang! I hope you and your whole fucking family get cancer and AIDS and leprosy and anthrax and catch on fire and die! Call this number again, asshole, and I’ll come whoop your ass myself!”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“Remember when I said I did volunteer work at a no-kill animal shelter on the same day I insulted Janet at the gas station? Indeed, I had visited a no-kill animal shelter that day. But only to kill all the goddamn animals!”
― Douglas Hackle, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

“Don’t be cross, boss.”
― Douglas Hackle, Horror Sleaze Trash: Prose in Poor Taste

“After logging into his computer and taking a few sips of coffee, Brian began his workday the way he always did: by closing his eyes and pressing his thumbs against his eyelids with the intent to kill himself by driving his thumbs back into the frontal lobes of his brain.”
― Douglas Hackle, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

“What’s more, the movie that most modern film critics now agreed was the greatest movie of all time was a 2016 documentary titled Citizen Kane is the Worst Movie of All Time directed by Michael Bay and starring Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Kanye West, and Kim Kardashian.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“A letter from Hogwarts? For me?” Hansel said. “It’s got your name on it.” “Did, like, an owl bring it to our window?” “Yup.” “Stop yankin’ my chain, dude.” “I thought you might say that, so I took a picture of the owl!” Tobin reached under his pillow again and pulled out a Polaroid picture. “Here.” Hansel took the photograph and letter from Tobin. He examined the photograph first. It showed a chicken perched on their bedroom windowsill, a chicken with a small warthog head instead of a chicken head.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“So don’t be jelly When I roll on through, Nabbin’ more ass than a goddamn zoo.”
― Douglas Hackle, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

“More ass than a goddamn cemetery my old, wooden ass!” Rosebud said. “If I’m not mistaken, you’re still a virgin”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“The only thing I like is shark attacks.
Now, I don’t say that with a cold heart. In fact, I feel really bad for anyone unlucky enough to get killed or injured in a shark attack. And more generally, I’m fairly certain I possess basically normal levels of empathy and compassion for my fellow humans. However, I just can’t help but love reading and/or listening to news stories about shark attacks. Call it a morbid obsession if you will.
Will you?
In fact, I daresay I don’t give a fiddler’s curse about anything in the universe other than shark attacks. And if sharks suddenly were to cease attacking humans so that I could no longer hear about shark attacks in the news, I’d likely blow my fucking brains out for sheer boredom!
Anyhow, all that is to say that I am the founder of the International Shark Attack Conservation Society (ISACS). I must admit that membership in the ISACS is rather low at the moment. Okay, membership has always been low. Okay, the society has only ever had one member: moi. As it turns out, while many folks are all about conserving sharks and other wildlife, not everybody is so keen on conserving shark attacks. But, hey, I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Ballad of TERROR TINY TIM & Other Tales of Unkindness

“In case you didn’t know, the blue whale holds the record for having the largest penis size of any animal on Earth, their peckers usually extending between eight and ten feet in length.
Now that’s a big blue dick.
And as you well know, for yo mama, the choice between a big, blue, ten-foot dick and, well, basically anything else in the world, really wasn’t a choice at all.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“. . . and last but not least, a band called Not Only Does Tobin Rock Fuckin’ Hardcore, He Gets More Ass than a Goddamn Cemetery.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“After we discovered that we’d both graduated from high school the same year, shared a religious devotion to all major professional sports, and hated gays, Bry and I professed our brove to one another, quit our slaughterhouse jobs, and left our respective wives and kids so that we could move in together and hang out 24/7”
― Douglas Hackle, Clown Tear Junkies

“Now came time for Chessler’s world-famous catchphrase. He cleared his throat, spoke the words in a stentorian voice befitting a great statesman or decorated military general: “By golly, I’ll eat this motherfuckin’ fistful of squirming maggots ’cause I just don’t give a heck!”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“My thirst for trouser gravy is insatiable.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack