Andrew Penman > Quotes

“When you share love, you defeat hate.”
― Andrew Penman

“EMERSON MOORE JR was arrested for drunken driving and bailed to appear in court the next day. When he showed up at the court in Muhlenberg, Pennsylvania, he saw the officer who had arrested him and a row blew up between them. During the argument, the officer – Trooper Roberto Soto – smelled alcohol on 46-year-old Moore’s breath. Given that he had driven himself to court, this was not a good thing. He was breath-tested, found to be over the limit again, had his bail revoked and was sent to jail. ‘You don’t show up drunk for a preliminary hearing, especially when it’s a drunk-driving case,’ said the judge, District Justice Dean Patton. ‘I asked him what he was thinking and he said, “You told me I could drink at home.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“Asheville Citizen-Times newspaper, which reported how a man – his name isn’t given – walked into a branch of Bank of America, picked up a deposit slip and wrote on it: This is a stickkup. Put all you muny in this bag. Then, like all polite robbers, he waited in a queue to hand the note to the teller. As he stood there, he started worrying that someone might have seen him write the note, and that the police could be called before he reached the window. Thinking quickly – or as quickly as he was able – he left the Bank of America and hurried across the street to a branch of the Wells Fargo Bank. There he again waited in a queue for a few minute, until it was his turn to see the teller. He handed her the note and she read it. Realising that he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, she told him that, unfortunately, she couldn’t accept the demand because it was written on rival bank’s stationary; he would either have to rewrite the note on a Wells Fargo slip, or go back to the Bank of America. ‘Looking somewhat defeated, the man left the Wells Fargo Bank,’ says the Citizen-Times. He was arrested a few minutes later – in the queue back over at the Bank of America.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“RICHARD BROWN WAS in enough trouble when he appeared before Judge Patrick Carroll on charges of robbing a shop in West Haven, Connecticut. He was already looking at 10½ years for that offence when the judge reprimanded him for his surly attitude, and ordered him to say ‘Yes, sir’ when addressing the court. At that, the simpleton blew his top. Standing up, he dropped his prison-issue trousers, turned around and mooned the bench, yelling, ‘Sir? Kiss my ass, sir!’ Ooops. Better make that 11½ years.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“A duvet is no match for Led Zeppelin. He was caught red-handed undercover.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“OH, THE HAZARDS of being a teenage burglar/member of the Facebook Generation. There you are, in your victim’s house with a couple of her diamond rings worth hundreds of pounds in your pocket and a computer sitting temptingly on a nearby table. What to do? Scarper with just the expensive rings? Or take the computer as well? Or – just maybe – log on to the computer to update your Facebook status? Jonathan G Parker, of Fort Loudoun, Pennsylvania, chose a strange combination of options 1 and 3. According to the Berkeley County Sheriff’s Department, the homeowner got back to find a bedroom window broken, cabinets pulled open and two rings worth around £2,000 missing – but her computer was still there, it was still switched on and it was still open on Parker’s Facebook page. Better still, a friend of the victim recognised Parker and knew where he lived. He was arrested within hours.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“YOU COULD FILL this whole book with the weird stuff crims leave at the scene of their crimes. Burglar Mark Williams left his shoes.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“That means this robbery – if that’s what it was – is probably unique in the chronicles of incompetent crime, in that it was so inept that we can’t even be sure that it was a crime.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen

“The court also heard that 46-year-old Williams was homeless, and needed somewhere to stay. Okay, I feel sorry for him. It also heard that Williams had committed 221 previous offences, which is why the police had his DNA on file. I’ve changed my mind about feeling sorry for him. He was jailed for two years and four months.”
― Andrew Penman, Thick As Thieves : Hilarious Tales of Ridiculous Robbers, Bungling Burglars and Incompetent Conmen