Jim Gaffigan > Quotes

“We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”
― Jim Gaffigan

“I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad is Fat

“But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore, it’s a vegetable.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“I’m convinced that anyone who doesn’t like Mexican food is a psychopath.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out. “Do you remember what happened last night? Today you’re all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife’s breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I'm a fan of relaxing, and when i get tired of relaxing I like to do nothing.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve never been to sleep before. “Bed? What’s that? No, I’m not doing that.” They never want to go to bed. This is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, “When can I come back here?” It’s the carrot that keeps me motivated. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Be undeniable.”
― Jim Gaffigan

“Now there are adults without children who go to Disney, and they are called weirdos. Very nice people. Absolutely crazy.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Look, you lost a tooth. Congratulations. Enjoy looking like a hillbilly. Here’s a dollar,”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Food: A Love Story

“Whoever came up with the term “terrible twos” must have felt very foolish after their kid turned three.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“If you’ve never been to a Catholic Mass, don’t worry, it’s still going on, you still have time to catch it.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.” I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“I’m getting fat … as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I’m actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it’s a cinnamon roll, but I want there to be room for it.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Once your baby starts to walk you’ll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves. They are superclumsy. If you don’t believe me, watch a two-year-old girl attempt to walk up stairs in a long dress. It looks like a Carol Burnett sketch. Also, toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a twelve-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.”
― Jim Gaffigan