Jerry D. Duvinsky > Quotes

“Those with borderline personality disorder often project their fears onto others and therefore unconsciously push others away by their clinginess, controlling behaviors, and anger. In effect, this creates a self-fulfilling prophesy such that they make their fears come true by unconsciously pushing people away since they feel so certain that others will reject them. “Better to reject than be rejected.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Just the act of facing the “demon” and standing resolute in the face of previously avoided emotional experiences fosters a deep and abiding sense of power and decreased victimization. Their world immediately starts to open and new choices and opportunities almost magically seem to appear as their realm of allowed experience expands.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Shame is something they experience -- it is not who they are.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“when a group of rats that were housed in a low stress environment had full access to heroin in their enclosure, these rats showed zero interest in the drug. In contrast, rats living in a high stress environment all became addicted to heroin! The implication of this study is enormous. Drug seeking behavior is not the result of drug availability, but rather environmental conditions that give rise to distress without other available coping mechanisms. Such environmental conditions increase the drive to escape this distress through the consumption of drugs.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“From this perspective then, in a very real sense, shame can actually be a calling to a higher level of emotional and spiritual growth.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“One can ultimately come to respond to emotional experiences in a more measured and balanced manner - neither ignoring the important information they contain, nor blindly acting upon them.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Research shows that the amount of time one spends engaging in these exposure exercises (CS exposure), is proportionally associated with the amount of personal growth and symptom resolution.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“As previously stated, if we choose to ignore our feelings, they can stay stuck on the inside and create physiological changes. This can take the form of diffuse nervous and endocrine system arousal that can create feelings such as anxiety, panic, generalized tension and unease. It can also contribute to health-related issues since energies can redirect to galvanizing response systems within our bodies that can be harmful.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“This essentially is the law of karma. The word karma literally translates as “seeds of action.” Each time we carry out a thought or action, it leaves a residue or trace. Every causal condition is an effect of a prior condition but in turn leaves a seed for further causation. Once seeds are planted and nurtured through repetitive reactive cycles, the associations strengthen each time they are practiced or rehearsed. The moral or message is “Be careful what you think.” However, since we really don’t control what we think. So perhaps the better lesson may be, “Pay attention to what you think.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“She was almost completely unable to ask for assistance since shame conditioning taught her that to do so was to be incapable and weak. She also learned to bury her anger which contributed to jaw pain (temperomandibular joint pain) and other medical issues since she very apparently carried a number of unexpressed emotions in her body.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“The essential point here is to help those suffering from shame or other persistent difficult emotions to recognize that much of these experiences are the result of conditioned mind. They are essentially the byproduct of programming run amuck…a flaw in the “matrix,” if you will. If you buy this notion, then the implications are momentous. Principally, it would mean that the program is susceptible to modification. Just recognizing that it is a program, born of conditioning, is in itself a large part of achieving liberation. But this liberation is achieved by acceptance, that this is a program, and not through any endeavor to override the program with different programming. That would just keep the problem, born of illusion, going. Ultimately, what we need to learn is that though the program is warning us of danger or some non-descript peril, causing us to run, fight or freeze, there in fact is no peril. The only way to recognize is to risk not reacting and finding out for ourselves that the signal was aberrant…a mistake.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For example, a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder may hand wash to reduce fears of contamination. A person may overeat to avoid feelings of aloneness. One might avoid public settings to reduce feelings of shame or fears of abandonment, disapproval or rejection. An individual may consume drugs or alcohol to escape feelings of aloneness, alienation, shame and emptiness. The list of such avoidant and escape strategies is near endless.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“In order to learn to face shame or any other difficult emotional experience, it will be of tremendous value to simply be open to this moment, no matter what this moment holds.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For example, we confuse the experience of anger (emotion), with acting out angrily (reactive emotion). But actually one can experience anger without acting it out. This does not require “controlling” or even “managing” anger. In fact such endeavors are likely to produce a further escalation to the problem. Rather, we must learn to bring more attention into the experience of anger. Reactive or reflexive emotionality only occur in the absence of presence!”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“There are stages to awakening. The first stage perhaps is to recognize that we are essentially asleep. Acknowledging the reactive emotional states that arise from our slumber may thus serve as a critical stage in our journey to awakening. The louder the “knock” on the door, the greater our motivation to respond to its summoning. Shame, by its painful nature, can provide such a “knock” and perhaps provide an impetus to stir us from our slumber.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“we are the most crazy when we are the most unconscious.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“there are no enemies to be opposed. There is just energy, neither good nor bad, positive or negative.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Reader Exercise: Personal Shame Inventory (Revised) Please respond by circling the number that best corresponds to how you feel about each statement at this point in time for each item: 0 corresponds to never true, 1 is seldom true, 2 is sometimes true, 3 is often true, 4 is always true. 1)​Do you have difficulty accepting compliments from others? 0 1 2 3 4 2)​Do you often apologize to others? 0 1 2 3 4 3)​Is it difficult to look into another’s eyes when speaking? 0 1 2 3 4 4)​Do you find it difficult to “be yourself” in social settings? 0 1 2 3 4 5)​Do you berate yourself for making mistakes? 0 1 2 3 4 6)​Do you feel as though you are not good enough? 0 1 2 3 4 7)​Do you worry about how you are perceived by others? 0 1 2 3 4 8)​Do you frequently compare yourself to others? 0 1 2 3 4 9)​Do you dismiss or trivialize your accomplishments? 0 1 2 3 4 10)​Do you feel guilty when you are relaxing? 0 1 2 3 4 11)​Do you feel that you are not OK as you are? 0 1 2 3 4 12)​Do you feel ugly? 0 1 2 3 4 13)​Do you feel envious of the accomplishments of others? 0 1 2 3 4 14)​Is it difficult to believe that you can be loved as you are? 0 1 2 3 4 15)​No matter how much you achieve, do you feel it isn’t good enough? 0 1 2 3 4 16)​Do you feel you should be punished? 0 1 2 3 4 17)​Do you have difficulty making decisions? 0 1 2 3 4 18)​Do you second-guess the decisions and choices you’ve made? 0 1 2 3 4 19)​Do you feel you should be doing more or working harder? 0 1 2 3 4 20)​Do you wish you were someone else? 0 1 2 3 4”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“As one maintains deep attention and open acceptance towards all that arises, habitual patterns of emotional reactivity can begin to gradually dissipate.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“What is it that a child learns who is subjected to abuse? The answer is simple; lots of stuff, very little of which is helpful for later adaptive functioning. They learn that the world is dangerous, unpredictable, harsh, rejecting, and unresponsive. The punitive voices, to which they are exposed, get internalized as their own. They quickly learn that bad and painful things happen because they are “bad.” Therefore, if they were better, such things perhaps would not occur. They learn to blame themselves for the pain in their lives. A little kid will never have the following conversation in their head: “It’s a shame that Mom and Dad are bi-products of dysfunctional family conditions in their own childhoods. Their behavior towards me is a byproduct of their unconscious reactivity to unfortuitous conditioning events that took place in their own lives, and that I serve to reactivate painful conflicts and emotions stemming from their own early development!” I am quite certain that this conversation or its equivalent has never taken place in a child’s head. On the contrary, children blame themselves for the negative circumstances that occur in their lives. They learn to feel that “If I was bigger, stronger, smarter, prettier, or whatever, then such things would not occur.” The child learns that their lack of acceptance by their parents must be a function of their own unworthiness and thus strive to become something “better” in order to gain the love and security that is otherwise absent.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“We cannot in fact see shame since we are shame. One cannot see the mountain they are standing on when standing at the top. However, the good news is that this is all conditioned mind. Therefore, as real as the experience feels, it is upon closer inspection, of no inherent substance.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“There are a number of good reasons that certain people learn to withdraw attention from certain aspects of emotional experience. Often, it is learned as a survival tactic during childhood, especially when the pain of everyday life overwhelms one’s capacity to cope. So, if one’s early home life is characterized by broken attachments to primary caregivers, sexual or physical abuse, domestic violence, or even just the lack of parental attunement and validation of the child’s feelings and needs, then the result may be that one learns to retreat from themselves.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“By fighting shame, one is feeding the beast. Rather, shame, which can only exist in the shadows of our mind, needs to be exposed to the light of attention. The mechanism of exposure is very simply that… our attention!”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Research is mounting which demonstrates how emotional labeling and other aspects of emotional mindfulness can positively influence brain functioning. Decreased activity in the midbrain structures associated with aggression and anxiety as well as increased activity in forebrain areas associated with planning, impulse control, and “executive functions” has been demonstrated. Thus the emotionally mindful brain appears to operate as a coordinated whole, as opposed to fractionated neural responding that seems to underlie reactive emotional responding.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“While we certainly cannot ignore the threat of terror, we must also recognize that the perception of threat far outweighs the actual level of danger. Many more people are destined to die in this country from suicide, highway accidents, heroin overdoses, domestic gun violence, and so on. Our reactive conditioned brain is now threatening not only our capacity to break out of suffering at an individual level, but when whole countries and civilizations act reactively, our survival as a species may be threatened. So we either need to spiritually evolve or we may be relegated to the “discard” pile of evolution.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“One who is shame-based often has difficulties asking for help, for to do so might risk being seen as imperfect, incapable or needy. They will struggle endlessly rather than request input or assistance so as to not risk having their “imperfections” seen. When observed from this perspective, it is not really pride, but shame. This inability to receive in relationships helps foster cycles of co-dependency since they believe they are of value only when they are needed. However, over time this can sow feelings of resentment and anger since they come to resent the endless unrequited sacrifice.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For those who are defined by shame, this will not necessarily be easy. The act of simply sitting and being may elicit guilt or anxiety. One who is shame-based is conditioned to believe that they must be constantly doing something to legitimize their existence. If that is the case, just pay attention to whatever feelings arise. As you watch intently, you just may find that the feelings arise and ebb on their own accord. Try not to get into a control war or tell yourself what you should or should not be thinking. Just sit and watch with openness and attention. In time, the rest will take care of itself. And remember, as stated by John Lennon, “There is no place you can be where you weren’t meant to be.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“The failure to validate, champion or attune to a child can be equally as scarring as overt messages of shame.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“To be anxious is to live in the future, to be depressed is to live in the past, to be peaceful is to be present.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“I am afraid that others will see me as I see myself.” Therefore, she chooses to not be seen at all. In all manners, shame compels us to hide. As in the story of Adam and Eve we feel the need to cover up. Since those with core shame identity feel inherently flawed and generally “bad” about who they are, they often feel compelled to hide away their true selves from others and often, even from themselves. This hiding and covering can take a huge array of forms. We may hide by just not being expressive. A person with core shame identity may simply not offer much of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs. They may not even know their own feelings since they are hidden from themselves! They may create and project a false persona, feeling that their real self is not capable of procuring love.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind