Lee Goldberg > Quotes

“I had to stop him from arresting an old lady who let her dog urinate against the fire hydrant that was in front of Burgerville headquarters.
"You'll blow our cover."
"But what if there is a fire?"
"The fire department will come and put it out," I said.
"With what?"
"Water," I said.
"Not from that hydrant," Monk said. "It's inoperable."
"No, it's not," I said. "It can still be used."
"There is urine all over it," Monk said. "no fireman would dare touch it, nor would any other human being."
"Firefighters run into burning buildings," I said."They aren't going to care about some dog pee on a fire hydrant."
"They would if they knew," Monk said. "We should call and warn them. Call Joe right now. He can get the word out faster than we can."
"Every fire hydrant in the city has dog pee on it, Mr. Monk. It's how dogs mark their territory. I can guarantee you that every male dog that has passed that hydrant has pissed on it."
He looked at me, wide eyed, "No."
"It's what dogs do," I said. "The firefighters knows this."
Monk swallowed hard. "And they still use the hydrants?"
"Of course they do."
"They are the bravest men on earth," Monk said solemnly.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Outer Space

“Happiness is an illusion, Natalie. It doesn't actually exist."

"Of course it does," I said. "It's what you feel when you're not sad."

"That's unconsciousness. And I'm pretty sure that I'm miserable when I am unconscious, too.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“I had to wonder, though, if there's something about a murderer, particularly a confident one, that gives him a certain charisma or charm that I, in particular, am susceptible to.
I mean, there's a reason more women are attracted to Dracula than repelled by him.
I made a resolution to myself. From now on, I'd assume that every man I was attracted to was a murderer until proven otherwise.
Perhaps it wasn't the most promising strategy for starting a relationship, but I might live longer.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“Of course, that rationalization didn't work at all. It would have helped if I'd had some Oreo cookie ice cream to eat at the same time. I've learned that self-delusion is much easier when there's something sweet in your mouth.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“Numbers are a lot like people. They each have a story. They interact with one another. They entertain. They inform. They deceive. They can create happiness or inflict enormous pain. You have to know how to get them to talk.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Outer Space

“Standing up for what you believe in comes has a price but backing down exacts a toll that your soul never stops paying”
― Lee Goldberg

“All Julie has to do is explain to her friends that she's using it to individually seal each item that she throws out."
"Then they'd think she was a geek," I said.
"She will thank me later," Monk said.
"Why would she thank you for being considered a geek?"
"Don't you know anything about teenage life?" Monk said. "It's a badge of respect."
"It is?"
"I was one," he said.
"You don't say."
"A very special one. I was crowned King of the Geeks, not once, but every single year of high school," Monk said. "It's a record that remains unbroken in my school to this day."
"Were there a lot of students who wanted to be King of the Geeks?"
"It's like being homecoming king, only better. You don't have to go to any dances," Monk said. "You aren't even invited.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

“It's a tough job being somebody's personal assistant. You have to anwser their phone, manage their correspondence, run their errands, pay their bills, arrange their schedule, and basically do whatever tasks, menial to major, they are too busy or self absorbed or distracted or pampered or disinterested to do themselves.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk Goes to Germany

“Guilt and fear are a kind of rot. It spreads unless it's cleaned. And there's only one way to do that.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“The state of California itself was now just like me - a free-spirited liberal with a mostly sunny disposition teetering on the edge of financial ruin. (Natalie Teeger)”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk is Cleaned Out

“So there you have it: Nature is a rotten mess. But that's only the beginning. If you take your eyes off it for one second, it will kill you. Thorns, insects, fungus, worms, birds, reptiles, wild animals, raging rivers, bottomless ravines, dry deserts, snow, quicksand, tumbleweeds, sap, and mud. Rot, poison and death. That's Nature."
"It's a wonder you even step outside of your cabin," I said.
"My bravery exceeds my good sense," he said.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Trouble

“I refilled the wineglass and took it with me for a nice long bubble bath, where I settled in with Ambrose's guide for low-voltage outdoor lighting.

It wasn't thrilling bubble-bath reading material, but I was impressed by his imagination. You wouldn't know from the writing that he'd never actually seen a low-voltage lighting system in someone's yard, much less installed one himself. His descriptions were clear, colorful, and written with authority. The inscription wasn't bad either: To Natalie, You're a high-voltage system as far as I am concerned.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Outer Space

“When a bird crapped on my window, he called 911.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk Goes to Hawaii

“When I arrived, he was in the kitchen, in the middle of his Sunday morning ritual of cleaning his cleaning supplies.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“Julie nearly fainted when I showed up at home that night with the new Lexus. The first thing she wanted to do was drive it. I let her drive all over San Francisco with the windows rolled up, because we didn’t want to lose one precious whiff of that new-car smell.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

“Monk worked on his remaining Intertect cases at his dining table while I tried to hone my detecting instincts by reading the Murder, She Wrote novel he bought in Mill Valley.
I can't say that I learned much about investigative procedure but I discovered that you should stay far away from Cabot Cove. That tiny New England village is deadlier than Beirut, South Central Los Angeles, and the darkest back alley in Juarez combined. Even though every killer eventually gets caught by Jessica Fletcher, I still wouldn't feel safe there. I'm surprised the old biddy walks around town unarmed.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

“They were all puppets, animated by the properties, responsibilities, and relationships they were tied to,”
― Lee Goldberg, The Walk

“they’re paying millions to experience what it’s like living in a cardboard box beside a freeway. Just because the rich have money, it doesn’t mean they’ve got brains.”
― Lee Goldberg, Watch Me Die

“Perception is reality, so it’s up to us to create the perception”
― Lee Goldberg, Lost Hills

“You’re owed a refund on your manhood.”
― Lee Goldberg, The Walk

“He felt like Rambo even though he was built like Dumbo”
― Lee Goldberg, Fake Truth

“They could be mistaken for a father and daughter who liked to carry Glocks.”
― Lee Goldberg, Lost Hills

“Figuring out the solutions to puzzling mysteries seems to come so fast and so naturally for him, we just shake our heads in wonder and chalk it up as miraculous. We don’t stop to consider the mental and emotional resources he has to marshal to pull that “miracle” off.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse

“After that experience, I immediately enrolled Julie in tae kwon do class, despite her protests. I wanted to be sure that if she were ever attacked, her instincts would take over, and that her instincts would kick ass.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse

“It takes a lot of energy just to deal with life when you are neurotic and obsessive-compulsive.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk is Miserable

“They use the term ‘ripped from the headlines’ for their stories because it sounds a lot better than ‘plagiarized from the New York Times because we have no imagination.”
― Lee Goldberg, Fake Truth

“I nodded. “I have to admit, though, that it’s sure nice to have my job back.”
“You never lost it,” Monk said. “It’s yours for life.”
“That long?” I said.
“Whether you like it or not,” Monk answered me.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and The Two Assistants

“Eve knew what a grip was. Her sister’s father was a grip who dated their mother for a few weeks.”
― Lee Goldberg, Lost Hills

“The kitchen island, like the one in the sting house, was absolutely enormous, a second kitchen unto itself. There was no room for one like that in Eve’s kitchen and she felt a pang of island envy.”
― Lee Goldberg, Gated Prey

“The only thing less secure than airplane Wi-Fi is running naked through Compton holding all of your money, jewelry, and credit cards in a baggie.”
― Lee Goldberg, Fake Truth