Karen Alpert > Quotes

“I love when those annoyingly perfect moms brag that they ONLY give their kids all-natural shit. You know what’s all-natural? Poisonous berries and ’shrooms.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“Mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama! Guess what my little rug rat can say now. The first time you hear it, your heart melts a little. The second time you hear it, your eyes well up. The 918,009,576th time you hear it, you want to stab your eardrums out with an ice pick.”
― Karen Alpert

“Anyways, it made me think. Who the hell cares if Michael Phelps can swim across a pool at like warp speed? Or that some sixteen-year-old waif can spell the entire Chinese alphabet with a stupid ribbon on a stick above her head? You know who’s holding this world together and leaping buildings in a single bound every day? Moms, that’s who.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.”
― Karen Alpert, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting – Honest Stories and Hilarious Observations on Raising Kids

“Have you ever noticed that Thin Mints don't taste as good as they used to? Like twenty-seven cookies ago they were absolutely delicious.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes

“You know how they won’t let parents with kiddos sit in the exit row? It has nothing to do with safety. They’re worried you might open the emergency door and throw your kid out.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“Sometimes I hear feminists call God a She, and I’m like, dude, I am all for equal rights and equal pay, but there is no F’ing way God is a woman with all the shit our bodies go through when we’re preggers. No woman would design us this way. Like sometimes I think if God has a wife, she’s probably like are you F’ing kidding me, G? WTH were you thinking? I mean, finally I have the rack I’ve always wanted but it doubles as a vending machine for this little poop machine (gesturing to Jesus).”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“If your child has a runny nose or a cough, you may no longer call another mom to ask if it’s still okay to come to the playdate. If you have to ask, they’re sick. And you’re either making the other mom feel like an a-hole for saying no or you’re making them feel like an a-hole for saying yes and their kiddo catches said snotty nose next week. 8.  If”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“Sometimes I give my kid the finger through the baby monitor for all the shit she put me through that day. It just makes me feel better.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“Have you ever wrestled a greased pig? No, me neither. But I could. I could seriously win like the redneck Olympics of greased-pig wrestling because that’s what I do every damn day. At some age babies start to HATE being on the changing table, and the second you get the diaper off they’re basically a rolling pin on a pile of poop. Yo, Darwin, I used to believe your theories, but now I’m starting to think you’re wrong. ’Cause if evolution were really happening, moms would have eight arms. At least. And noses that couldn’t smell.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“My husband and I have had a three-year debate over whether the man across the street is Chip or Rich, so we just call him Chip-Rich, which makes me hungry for an ice-cream sandwich every time I say it.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“I love when I blow my nose while I’m peeing. Not only am I multitasking, but the pee comes out faster so I’m saving time. Awesome.”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my baby’s eyes glow like the devil’s on the video monitor. He thinks we can’t see him and he’s like muahahahahaha, I don’t have to conceal my real identity now!”
― Karen Alpert, I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy-Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting

“Weird means you think for yourself. Weird means you don’t just copy everyone else. Weird means you’re a leader, not a follower. Weird means you are awesome. F’ing awesome. And don’t you forget it.”
― Karen Alpert, Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids