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Start by following Steve Martin.
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
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“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”
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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
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“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
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“Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”
― Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
― Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
“Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”
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“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”
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“I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.”
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“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
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“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”
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“I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.”
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“Be so good they can't ignore you.”
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“... you're nuts but you're welcome here.”
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“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
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“If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.”
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“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.”
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“...it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.”
― Shopgirl
― Shopgirl
“We've had some fun tonight...considering we're all gonna die someday.”
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“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.”
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“How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?”
― Shopgirl
― Shopgirl
“I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.”
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“I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth. ”
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“She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.”
― Shopgirl
― Shopgirl
“I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that...”
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“The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.”
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“I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.”
― The Pleasure of My Company
― The Pleasure of My Company
“Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.”
― Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
― Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
“I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.”
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“It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.”
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