Jeffrey Bernstein > Quotes

“Your child acts this way because she doesn’t know how else to handle her difficult thoughts and feelings.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“The less you get attached to your preferences, the less they will become your source of stress.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, Liking the Child You Love: Build a Better Relationship with Your Kids -- Even When They're Driving You Crazy

“The more you can begin to see yourself as an emotion coach for your child, the less personally you will be impacted when he is struggling with his own emotions and taking them out on you through bad behaviors.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“It is critical that you don’t criticize. I am convinced that a big reason so many children respond with “fine” or “good” when asked about their day at school is because they are afraid of being criticized.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Teach your child to say respectfully, “No, I would not like to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and vacuum the rug.” This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Coach mode helps to release you, and your ego, from feeling locked in the role of hurt, disappointed, or stuck parent. Taking on a coaching mentality means staying calm to rationally guide and encourage your child.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“My goal was to help Robin be genuine in responding to Sylvia but also to prevent the escalation of a power struggle. I suggested for future situations that Robin take a few deep breaths and then calmly yet firmly say something to Sylvia such as the following: “Sylvia, please don’t talk to me this way. In the past, I’d have yelled at you but I am not going to now because it won’t help either of us. I am asking you not to wear those jeans, but if you do I won’t try to stop you. Just know that I think they detract from how attractive you are.” Sure enough, the dirty jeans issue resurfaced about a month later and Robin responded to Sylvia in a manner similar to that above. Initially, Sylvia just stared blankly at Robin and then she stormed out of the room. What happened next was a huge breakthrough. Robin walked into the living room and saw Sylvia sobbing. Sylvia shared with her mother that she thought she looked “fat and ugly” in everything she wore except those jeans.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Please do not fall into the trap of viewing your child’s mistakes as a negative reflection on yourself. You will do yourself and your child a great favor by not taking his mistakes personally.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“When your child’s behavior disappoints you, you should always try to assume the best. You should assume that your child means well and is behaving as well as possible under the given circumstances (both obvious and hidden from us), together with his level of experience in life.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. While depression”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child: The Breakthrough Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen, Learn, Focus, and Behave

“I understand that you want new sneakers this weekend. Yes, you have the right to your opinion that you should have them. At the same time, I am not willing to spend the money right now. But I am willing to talk about some kind of compromise, if you’re interested.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“I have seen countless parents over the years give consequences without stopping to learn why their children’s problematic behavior occurred in the first place. You must understand why your child is acting the way she is in order to give effective consequences for her misbehavior.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“In his book The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz writes, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. . . .” This is valuable wisdom to keep in mind. If you stop and think about it, most of the time when you yell at your defiant child, it’s because you are taking her behaviors too personally.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“The child has been locked into a defiant behavior pattern, which the parent does not understand. The child just gets more defiant and the parent responds with frustration, which influences the child to be more defiant. This attitude makes the child feel even more misunderstood, which prompts him to use his defiant behavior to express himself further, and the cycle just intensifies.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“For example, say, “I notice that you did not pick up your shirt,” as opposed to, “You keep leaving your shirt on the floor.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“I can’t stress enough that your goal is not only to manage your defiant child’s negative feelings but also your own. If you focus first on the incorrect answers and become angry, when the child returns to her work she will likely be more involved in dealing with the loss of your parental approval than finishing the task.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“A perfect example of this is when your defiant child says something like “You make me angry!” as if you have control over how he feels. The reality is that people can’t make you feel anything. It’s the way you perceive people’s actions that causes you to feel what you feel.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“My parents have given me everything I want but the thing that means most is the time they spend with me.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Accepting your past mistakes and valuing yourself for doing the best you can will lead you to make changes and experience growth as a parent. In the words of Carl Rogers, who was one of the preeminent thinkers in psychology, contributing to education, therapy, and humanistic psychology, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“But passively waiting for your child to outgrow his defiant behavior will just make the problem worse and not solve it. It’s our job as parents to help our children learn appropriate behavior, not to enable poor behavior by making excuses for it.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“After you’ve verbalized your concerns in a calm, firm, and noncontrolling manner, don’t get hung up on trying to get immediate compliance or a positive response from your child. Plant the seed and then let it germinate. This is a great way for you to practice not being attached to getting immediate results.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Al and Robin both had to unlearn their intense need to defend themselves. In each case, they realized that their defiant children had used antics to push their parents’ buttons and gain power. Both of these parents learned that they did not have to defend themselves or try to convince their children that they were right. By avoiding emotional power struggles, they did not lower themselves to the emotional level of their defiant children. The most important lesson to learn from these parents’ stories is that they gained control by giving it up.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Involve children as much as possible in making family rules.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Eliot decided that Peter needed some consequences. He stayed calm, firm, and noncontrolling as he told Peter that breaking his brother’s game was unacceptable. Eliot informed Peter that he would lose his video game privilege for a week. When Peter protested, Eliot asked him if he was willing to take some other actions to help reduce the time of lost video game time. Peter agreed to apologize to his brother, pay for his brother’s broken game to be replaced, and empty the garbage in the house for a week in addition to his usual chore of emptying the dishwasher. Eliot was still making Peter pay the consequences for his actions, but by being flexible and negotiating the consequences, Eliot taught Peter some important social skills. Remember that discipline is about teaching.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Al-Anon, an organization providing support to family members of alcoholics, uses the slogan, “Say what you mean but don’t say it meanly.” I love it because it so aptly applies to parenting defiant children.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Yelling gives parents a fast and powerful way to get heard—maybe not listened to, but at least heard.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Saying “I can see you are really frustrated right now,” helps him label his intense emotion and talk about it rather than act it out with defiant behavior. Avoid saying things like, “You should not feel frustrated.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“The more you view your child’s defiant behaviors as the smaller picture, and at the same time create and focus on the big picture of his goodness as a fellow human being, the less threatened you will feel and the less likely you will be to yell.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior