Craig Ferguson > Quotes

“The Universe is very, very big.
It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.
Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.
Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.

Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.”
― Craig Ferguson, Between the Bridge and the River

“If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!”
― Craig Ferguson

“If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down.

You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.”
― Craig Ferguson

“He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. ”
― Craig Ferguson

“You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry”
― Craig Ferguson

“Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free! ”
― Craig Ferguson

“I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day
And you've got the sandman at your door.
But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.
Its ok.
You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."
Cause the night's not nearly through.
Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.
Let your worries wait another day.
And if you stay too late at the bar,
At least you made it out this far.
So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"
Its Ok
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Life's too short to worry about
the things that you can live without
And I regret to say,
the morning light is hours away.
The world can be such a fright,
But it belongs to us tonight.
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”
― craig ferguson

“I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I'm always a bit shy around evil people...”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs.

"Listen," she said, not unkindly, "up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?"

I nodded.

"Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!"

I took the drugs.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.”
― craig ferguson

“When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.”
― Craig Ferguson