Rodney Dangerfield > Quotes

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs, I say ‘no.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!”
― Rodney Dangerfield