Robert J. Ackerman > Quotes

“Become the healthiest person you can be. Refuse to tolerate unhealthy behaviors in your relationships,”
― Robert Ackerman, Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition): Adult Daughters of Alcoholics

“Didn’t Cause it, can’t Cure it, can’t Control it.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics

“At the core of the imposter syndrome lies low self-esteem, a feeling of unworthiness and the belief that appearance comes first and substance, second. We don’t believe that people will like us for who we are. We don’t believe that we are good enough. So being anyone other than ourselves must be an improvement. Remember as boys we would always pretend to be someone (or something) else? We would even argue over who got to be a certain hero and why. These heroes were bigger than life, bigger than us, but we were small, so that was OK. Playtime is over, yet many of us are still pretending. It’s no fun anymore. And it only keeps us small.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The problem is, most men don’t express their emotions.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“As a boy, the conflict avoider saw many arguments, but never any resolution. This left him with the wrong idea not only about arguments, but also about relationships. He thought that there was no such thing as a healthy argument. He learned that he hated conflict, so he became the peacemaker. Reconciling conflicting parties—or keeping the peace—”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“He just isn’t “in” the relationship. It is ironic that like many silent sons he feels something is missing in his relationships, which is usually what his partner is saying too. It is not uncommon for the achiever to be looking for more and more in a relationship, which often means he looks outside his current one. These are the positive and negative characteristics of the achiever: Positive He is competent. He is good in a crisis. He is reliable. He meets goals. He takes charge well. He is successful. He is a survivor. He motivates self and others. Negative He is overly competitive. He is a perfectionist. He has difficulty relaxing. He fails to take care of himself. He can’t express feelings. He needs external validation. He is a workaholic. He is never wrong. He marries a dependent person. He exhibits compulsive behavior. He disproportionately fears failure. He is unable to play. Transitions Needed Develop an internal sense of validation in yourself. Learn to say no to others and yourself. Find time for yourself. Learn to relax, slow down. Learn to appreciate yourself.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Knowing when to detach yourself from an unhealthy situation can be healthy, but the kind of detachment that is negative is called “premature closure.” This occurs when you detach yourself from a situation at the first sign of trouble. You leave even before you see whether or not the problem can be worked out. When this happens you never learn conflict resolution, you only learn how to leave.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Transitions Needed • Learn to accept responsibility for your behaviors. • Learn appropriate ways to handle or release ager. • Learn how to communicate directly. • Learn alternative ways to handle stress.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“In relationships, he puts his needs second. He is likely to tolerate a tremendous amount of inappropriate behavior from a partner. He doesn’t stick up for himself and as a result feels stuck. He believes he has few options. He is at high risk of being used and then abandoned in favor of a more interesting partner. He is left scratching his head and asking, “But what did I do?” Nothing, absolutely nothing. To change, the passive silent son does not need to break old behaviors so much as he needs to develop new ones. Passivity is not changed by inaction. The positive and negative characteristics of the passive silent son are: Positive He is tolerant. He is willing to help others. He is highly adaptable. He is a loyal friend. He is independent. He is a good listener. He is empathic. Negative He doesn’t stand up for himself. He has low self-worth. He always puts others first. He is lonely. He fears reality. He is depressed. He lacks joy. He is often used in relationships. He is overly shy. He is unsure of his male identity. Transitions Needed Learn to take care of yourself first. Do things to raise your self-esteem. Learn to feel good about yourself. Learn to accept being liked by others. Stop doing nothing; take action.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“All of the relationships collapse and all for the same reason. What does he conclude? That all women have problems, or that they all have the same problem and the only way to handle them is leave. The detacher is afraid to get involved. He treats every relationship like a boxing match: Protect yourself at all times. He seldom realizes he is getting hit with his own punches. Maybe his detachment protects him, but it also makes him lonely.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Many silent sons have repressed memories of their childhoods, but the emotional impact has stayed with them and is expressed as anger. I have often heard silent sons say, “I don’t know why I explode so quickly.” Maybe it’s because their unresolved anger is always very close to the surface, yet they don’t know it. Let’s say the average man has an “anger range” from 1 to 10, with 10 representing extreme anger. On a daily basis his average anger score is a 4. Therefore, it takes an increase of 6 points to get him up to a 10. A silent son who has unresolved anger is probably walking around with an average daily score of 7 or 8 and doesn’t know it, or does know it but can’t identify the source. Consequently, it only takes an increase of 2 or 3 points to get him to a 10. When he gets angry so easily, he thinks it is because he has a quick temper. It seldom occurs to him that he’s full of anger already.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Negative silence is the silence of a man in pain. Negative silence tells you that you are being the “wrong” silent type. Your silence keeps you locked in and others locked out. Your loyalty to an image and to your silence demands a high price. The silent son makes his monthly payments loyally, but he’s never paid up; the quieter he becomes, the more he owes.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The passive silent son acts as if life is a spectator sport. He has difficulty getting into the game. He is content to sit on the sidelines and watch, but secretly wishes he was playing, yet he doesn’t feel comfortable getting involved. Unlike many of the other types who exhibit some particular behaviors, the passive type is very difficult to break out of because of what the man is not doing. When it comes to his own interest and issues he doesn’t take a stand. He feels relatively unimportant compared to other people, and doesn’t believe he has much to offer. As a boy this was the message he received from his parents. Eventually he began to believe it, and as a man he is living it.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Not all healthy families are healthy all the time, and not all dysfunctional families are dysfunctional all the time. Each type, however, has patterns of behaving that keep it either in or out of balance. One way to determine the difference between the two types is to examine how each handles a crisis. During a crisis the healthy family knows and uses alternatives to its usual patterns, and as a result can return to balance when the crisis is over. For example, when an argument occurs between the spouses in a healthy family, each listens and negotiates with the other. Compromise is used, the real problem is confronted, and the family returns to balance. Healthy families must be flexible to maintain balance. A dysfunctional family’s patterns are very rigid. One individual controls family decisions or dominates conversations, adherence to restrictive rules is strictly enforced, and there is absolute denial of family problems, to cite just a few examples. Maintaining these patterns during a crisis doesn’t allow any alternatives to resolving it. In fact, a dysfunctional family is likely to become even more rigid during a crisis and, as a result, become even more dysfunctional. Few things are ever resolved in a dysfunctional family, and a given crisis becomes just one more unresolved issue. As a result, most dysfunctional families are in constant crisis. In an abusive family, for example, the threat of violence never goes away. Most dysfunctional families will grow increasingly more dysfunctional unless someone seeks help. But getting help requires breaking rigid patterns, and this, of course, is against the dysfunctional family’s rules. For example, many dysfunctional families engage in what is called “group think.”1 While group think maintains rigidity, it also ensures that everyone thinks alike. Some aspects of group think include: The family has a single-minded purpose which defies corrective action. The family insists on a closed information system. The family demands absolute loyalty. The family avoids internal or external criticism. The family welcomes you only to the extent that you conform to its beliefs and patterns. Another major difference between functional and dysfunctional family systems involves the victimization of family members either physically or emotionally, as well as a loss of healthy opportunities for growth. Victimization is such a common theme in dysfunctional families that those from all types of dysfunctional families joined the adult children of alcoholics movement, not because they identified with alcoholism, but because they identified with family victimization. Another common theme is anger over lost opportunities, which frequently remains overlooked. We have become so obsessed with talking about victimization that we sometimes fail to understand that not only are dysfunctional family members victimized, but they also suffer from and become angry about what they missed while growing up in their families. For example, a silent son with a dysfunctional father not only was intimidated or abused by his father, but also missed out on the opportunity to have a healthy father-son relationship. The pain of physical abuse goes away, but pain of lost opportunity remains. In my interviews, most silent sons of dysfunctional fathers talked more about the “fathering” they missed than about their father’s dysfunctional behaviors.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Family life demands emotional doseness. For many silent sons emotional closeness is stressful, even if they want it more than anything else.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“became a useful thing for him to do. Helping others is certainly admirable, but you can also take on too many problems, internalize them, and become depressed yourself. In relationships, the conflict avoider is at a high risk of becoming involved with a needy person. He thinks that because he is needed he is important to the other person. He is also at a high risk of being used. He fears rejection and will do anything to keep conflict out of his relationships. He pretends there are no problems and believes it is his responsibility to take care of them when they do occur. The greatest problem for this silent son is his own internal conflict. He is not about to acknowledge it and consistently tells himself he is not angry. Nothing is resolved. He tries to pretend his conflict does not exist by preoccupying himself with everyone else’s problems, but it doesn’t work. In the end, the conflict avoider is avoiding himself. His own problems are his greatest fear. The positive and negative personality characteristics of the silent son conflict avoider are: Positive He is willing to help others. He is good in a crisis. He is a good negotiator. He is a problem solver. He is persistent. He is sensitive to others. He thinks of alternatives. He is a good communicator. Negative He has an unrealistic view of arguments. He is constantly placating others. He feels powerless. He suffers from depression. He is in denial. He takes on too many problems. He is seldom happy. He is easily intimidated. He lacks the ability to receive support from others. He is used in relationships. Transitions Needed Recognize and focus on your own problems. Quit taking on the problems of others. Learn to accept positive attention. Learn the difference between helping someone and feeling responsible for their problems and solutions. Be willing to receive help from others.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“He defines co—dependency as: “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”3”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“If you allow all of your negative emotions to be expressed behind an angry façade, you will never know yourself. You will never know your potential because it will be blocked by anger. Anger solves very little, but keeps in a lot. You strike out at others when you have been hit. Anger needs to be released if appropriate, but more importantly, it needs to be resolved. As a silent son, where do you stand today? Do you know what you stand for as a man? You will not know what you stand for until you can see yourself clearly. Nothing will block your vision more than anger. The healthy silent son sees more than a type. He sees more than anger. He sees his potential and all of his emotions. He sees himself and he likes what he sees. AFTERTHOUGHTS If we are strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be no help. JOHN F. KENNEDY He was one of those men who possesses almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. CHARLES KINGSLEY Fall seven times, stand up eight. JAPANESE PROVERB Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. ALDOUS HUXLEY What matters is not the size of the dog in fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. COACH PAUL BRYANT”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“is the”
― Robert Ackerman, Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition): Adult Daughters of Alcoholics

“Along the way there was one thing that held me back, as it does so many other silent sons. This one thing burdens us like a heavy unwanted blanket. Unless we kick it off, it will destroy us. This one thing is—anger.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The positive and negative personality characteristics of the hypermature silent son are: Positive He is organized. He is analytical. He is prepared. He is mature. He is reliable. He is intuitive. He meets goals. He is attentive. Negative He is too serious. He has difficulty expressing emotions. He constantly needs to be in control. He may exhibit stress-related illnesses. He doesn’t have much fun. He is fearful. He is driven. He avoids taking risks. He is critical. He blames himself too much. Transitions Needed Learn to relax and have fun. Learn to let others take charge. Learn to allow yourself to express emotions. Learn to adjust priorities to reduce feeling overwhelmed. Laugh more.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“Do you also have an empty feeling inside of you that you are never good enough and that you are only as good as your accomplishments that others can see? If so, welcome to the achievers’ club. Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with achievement. But there is more to life. The achiever pattern is very difficult to break for men because it is so much a part of our culture. We simply believe we are what we do, and we are nothing if we haven’t done anything. The achiever pattern develops very early for the silent son. It was often through his achievements and only his achievements that he got any recognition in his family. Therefore, if he wanted attention, which he equated with approval, he had better perform. Many men who fall into this pattern become workaholics. They are driven by external forces, such as the need for validation, which unfortunately they believe only comes from others. They seldom have an internal sense of self-worth and they feel inadequate most of the time, even when they do something well. Nothing is ever enough for them. It might be enough for others, but not for them. Many achievers are perfectionists. Being a perfectionist is bad enough, but it is much worse when an achiever projects onto other people or other things. For example, most achievers spend most of their lives being disappointed. Nothing ever lives up to their expectations. They have such high ideals about people and things that no one or no thing can match them. It seldom occurs to achievers that their ideals are not realistic. They often find themselves asking why others can’t do what they are supposed to do.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The achiever is usually in an internal struggle. He struggles against what he believes and what he thinks he must do to make himself feel good. The trick in our lives is to get the two together. An internal sense of worth is just as important to the healthy man as an external sense of worth. However, it takes a healthy man to realize this.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The silent son knows he has emotions, but he doesn’t know how to let them out. His inability to express himself is caused by various factors. He may simply not know how. He may not be able to correctly identify his emotions and may be trying to sort through them before articulating them. He may believe that emotions can only be expressed where it is socially acceptable or emotionally safe. He may be able to express emotions only with other men, or only with women. The problem is that those emotions which are not expressed are likely to show up in other, often negative, ways.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“The triangulator is the silent son who never learned to deal with anything directly. When there are problems, he always wants to find some external focus on which to place the blame. Usually he learned this pattern as a boy when he became the external focus for the problems between his parents. As soon as he started acting out, the parents not only focused exclusively on him as the problem in the family, but also blamed him as the source of the family’s problems. The fact that his mother was an alcoholic or his father was abusive was not seen as the problem by them. In their minds, it was their son who was the problem. The triangulator has difficulty accepting responsibility for his behavior. Besides, he thinks it’s always the other guy’s fault. He is angry at the world, and he resents how he is being treated. If you are a triangulator, do you often hear from your partner that you don’t know how to communicate, and do you usually respond to this by getting angry? Is it difficult for you to see that you are equally responsible for the success of a relationship? Do you find it difficult to get close to someone because no one understands you?”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“During the past fifteen years I have been involved with my own growth and that of many men throughout this country. At no time did I feel my masculinity was being challenged. I did feel chaUenged on a personal level—challenged to open up, to break down emotional barriers, to surmount unnecessary limitations, to get on with my life. Some of the healthiest men I know and some of my most respected mentors have been men who have struggled with much trouble in their lives and won the battles. These men did not fear the label of co-dependency or any other condition. What they feared most was what would happen to them if they did not embrace change. All of these men overcame their limitations. And they never stopped being men.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“There are two ways in which healthy survivability can develop in silent sons. On one hand, there are boys who come through incredibly troubled families and still emerge as healthy men. Although this does not happen very often, a number of researchers have found that at least 10 percent of children from severely dysfunctional families emerge as healthy people.1 The explanation for this includes getting help from outside of the family, having a positive attitude or temperament, resiliency in the face of stress, and the ability of some children in dysfunctional families to have a sense of autonomy. On the other hand, I believe that men can become healthy survivors by using their strengths and positive characteristics to overcome their pasts. This type of man knows that what he has learned from his experience is more important than where he has been. He builds on his experiences and does not allow them to tear him down. While it may seem that the term “healthy survivor” describes a man who is not affected by anything, this is not true. The healthy survivor does not deny his experiences, nor does he let them force him into negative behaviors. Rather, he has learned to maintain balance in himself and his life. If he is in pain, he deals with it. He admits when he is vulnerable, and is able to ask for help. He is not afraid to show his emotions, but he is not controlled by them either. He knows he is in control of himself. More importantly, he likes who he is and is comfortable with his life. It may have taken a long time for him to grow into a healthy survivor, or he could have been using his strength all along. Either way, the healthy survivor would not trade places with anyone today. He values what it took to get him where he is and he values himself. He is not for sale. Healthy survivors share many positive traits. How many of the following do you have? He knows how to attract and use the support of healthy people around him. He has developed a healthy sense of humor. He has developed a well-balanced sense of autonomy. He is socially at ease and others are comfortable around him. He is willing to identify and express his feelings. He can work through, not deny, his problems. He is neither controlled or controlling. He does not live in fear of his past, but with contentment and a sense of power about the present. He can love and be loved. He likes who he is, not what he is.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“According to Robert Bly, poet and author of Iron John, for a boy to become a man he must be taught by older men who have an interest in the boy.2 A boy needs a mentor—it could be his father, uncle, neighbor, teacher, or close friend. A true mentor is not only interested in teaching the boy the ways of men, he is also interested in the boy’s “soul.” Many silent sons lacked a father who was capable of being a mentor. Their souls have never had a chance to be heard. Can you remember who taught you how to handle your emotions? Who taught you how to handle pain? Most silent sons cannot remember being taught these things. Perhaps this is because they cannot remember having a mentor. In most dysfunctional families the father is either in great pain himself or preoccupied with trying to survive someone else’s pain, such as his wife’s or children’s. For example, when a mother is dysfunctional, it also affects how a father performs his roles. Even in those cases where silent sons state that their fathers were there for them, the family usually remained emotionally isolated from other families. In other cases where the sons had healthy relationships with their fathers, most boys still covered up what was happening in their families and were not likely to share their emotional needs with older men. I could not point to any need in childhood as strong as that of a father’s protection. SIGMUND FREUD”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“He believes that to be accepted by others he must do what they want and only what they want. He becomes a people pleaser and neglects taking care of himself.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men

“In a dysfunctional family a boy’s self-esteem is under constant attack. If you had positive self-esteem as a boy you should have been able to: feel you were important to someone who was important to you; feel “special” even if you couldn’t put your finger on what made you feel that way; feel you were on top of things, getting done what was needed, and feeling confident that you could handle whatever came your way; feel purposeful—that is, working toward goals which were important to you and which expressed your own beliefs and values.”
― Robert J. Ackerman, Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men