Jeb Kinnison > Quotes

“Perhaps nothing is as disheartening as the discovery—after years of trying to escape from your dysfunctional childhood—that you have actually managed to recreate it. One woman, the daughter of a hypercritical and demanding mother, recently talked with me about her recently-ended, two-decades-long marriage: "I still have issues with feeling capable and doing things right. Unfortunately, I married my mother and was never able to feel competent in my husband’s eyes, either. I also never really felt loved by him, in the same way I didn’t feel loved by my mother.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“it as as if the Dismissive is most comfortable exercising the balance of power in the relationship, holding their struggling partner at a distance and just providing enough attention and reassurance to keep them on the hook.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again55.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“It's important to note both partners are capable of adjusting their communication styles to make their relationship more satisfying to both; while it is harder for the Dismissive, who often don't see a reason to change, they can learn to respond reassuringly more often. Discussion of the problem can help, especially if the Anxious-Preoccupied partner learns to rely more on inner assurance and reduce the rate and insistence of messages requesting reassurance.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“In dating, avoidants can be charming and have learned all the social graces—they often know how they are expected to act in courtship and can play the role well for a time.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Dismissives will learn to get their needs for attention, sex, and community met through less demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation or intimacy (often the anxious-preoccupied!):”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“The Dismissive attempts to limit his level of exposure to partners by manipulating his response, commonly by failing to respond to messages requesting assurance.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“avoidant people’s sexual behavior may be focused selfishly on their own needs in combination with dismissal of or blindness to a partner’s sexual wishes. Avoidance also, paradoxically, may promote sexual promiscuity powered by insecurity, narcissism, or a wish to elevate one’s self-image or standing in the estimation of one’s peers. This kind of self-promotion through sexual conquest can occur in the absence of intense sexual interest and without much enjoyment of sex per se.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“For if a mother unconsciously wishes to keep a baby addicted to her, there is no better strategy than being inconsistently available. Nothing makes a laboratory rat push a pedal more furiously than an inconsistent reward.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“The best partner is responsive to your signals, and you as a good partner signal only when you really need help. Most of the trouble in relationships is about bad signaling and poor responses.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“But lacking a positive view of attached others, they expect relationships to fulfill a romantic ideal which no real human being can create for them, so all fall short and are discarded when it becomes inconvenient to continue.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list, and your inner emotional state is your problem—when you are with one, you are really still alone, in an attachment sense.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. —Anna Louise Strong”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“Superficially the dismissive (as opposed to the fearful-avoidant) thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners;”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Since they are reinforcing each other's view of others, neither will get any more secure with time; the Dismissive will accuse their partner of being clingy or needy, while the Preoccupied will accuse their partner of being too distant and uncaring. They are fulfilling each other's basic need to have a partner, but the partnership will always be troubled by their complementary insecurities. Yet it is more likely to be stable than a Preoccupied-Preoccupied partnership.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Typically as the relationship ages, avoidants will begin to find fault and focus on petty shortcomings of their partner.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“person who (wrongly) expects everyone to do him wrong is blind to the real allies he has in the world, while a person who thinks he is capable of far more than he actually is (and blames everyone else for his problems) will make bad decisions in the real world. A realistic level of self-esteem, accompanied by the skills of empathy and honest communication, is ideal.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“The relationships between Anxious-Preoccupied and Avoidant partners are especially problematic, because their mutually-reinforcing insecurities can lead to a stable but unhappy partnership that does little to help them grow more secure but can go on for years.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Avoidants and the Anxious-Preoccupied are in a sense complementary: the Preoccupied values relationships too highly and thinks about them too much, while the Avoidant (especially the Dismissive) devalues relationships and tends not to be too concerned about them. If the Preoccupied were a bit more secure they’d be able to dial back the attention to their relationships to a healthier level that would make them happier and more successful, while if the Dismissive could only surface those attachment feelings lurking in his subconscious and value his relationships more consciously, he would also be happier and more successful.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Dismissives are rarely open about declaring themselves contemptuous of others. But they think highly of themselves and will tell you they value their self-sufficiency and independence—needing”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Should a partner penetrate his armor, unconscious alarm bells go off and he retreats to either aloneness or the safety of companionship with others who do not realize he is not what he appears to be on the surface.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Dismissives have poor access to early emotional memories, having built a defensive shield of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that requires negative memories to be suppressed:”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“It is not unusual for an avoidant to deny their current partner affection and sex while at the same time chasing after outside sexual partners and pursuing secretive sex lives away from home. But if they’re not in a relationship, they will typically be more interested in sex that will not draw them into the intimacy of a real relationship.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Human loneliness is one of the hidden problems of our technologically advanced and mobile age—as our lives get more complicated and our neighborhood of friends has expanded to include social networks, the loss of community feeling to busy-ness and isolated lives is acutely felt. In this detached world, a good partner, companion, or spouse is more important than ever.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“alexithymia”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as "the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“Some preoccupied mothers frequently intrude when the baby is happily exploring on his own and push for interaction even when the baby resists it…. For if a mother unconsciously wishes to keep a baby addicted to her, there is no better strategy than being inconsistently available. Nothing makes a laboratory rat push a pedal more furiously than an inconsistent reward.17”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

“The healthiest expression of self-esteem is based not on flattery or egotism, but real achievements and the regard of friends, family, and co-workers.”
― Jeb Kinnison, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner

“Kirkpatrick and Hazan’s (1994) findings for avoidant individuals suggested, in contrast, they these people were ready to exit a close relationship as soon as they experienced relationship distress. They were the most likely of the three attachment “types” (assessed in that study with a categorical self-report measure) to report no longer being involved with a partner 4 years later.48  Avoidant individuals are especially likely to be dissatisfied with their relationships (when they are in them) and”
― Jeb Kinnison, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner