Lewis Black > Quotes

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell.”
― Lewis Black

“Just relax and breathe through your ass.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!”
― Lewis Black

“Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!”
― Lewis Black

“A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!”
― Lewis Black

“Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”
― Lewis Black

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”
― Lewis Black

“That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. ”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.”
― Lewis Black

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice.”
― Lewis Black

“Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.”
― Lewis Black, The F-Word

“We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
< . ”
― Lewis Black

“Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!”
― Lewis Black

“All you had to say was, 'I am a writer,' and you became one. You didn't even have to write anything. You could just sit in a coffee shop with a notebook and stare into space, with a slightly bemused look on your face, judging the weight of the world with a jaundiced eye. As you can see, you can be completely full of shit and still be a writer...I also thought it was going to be a great way to meet girls, but it wasn't--probably because as I was staring into space, I no doubt looked mildly retarded. You see, I wanted to write plays, which in retrospect is a lot harder than learning Mandarin, I think. How I ended up in this delusional state shall be saved for another time.”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense. ”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes”
― Lewis Black

“If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.”
― Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We're all shitty little snowflakes, dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black

“Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.”
― Lewis Black

“They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.”
― Lewis Black

“sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.”
― Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

“In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.”
― Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

“I was a vegetarian for a year. Not out of some moral choice, but because I wanted new stuff to taste. Except tofu. Fuck tofu. It’s the lamest reason to chew. And in the end how do we know that vegetables aren’t more intelligent and sensitive forms of life than those made of meat? We don’t.”
― Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

“At seven p.m., hope is sparked again when some new chirpy airline employee announces that a new plane without that nasty mechanical problem - the aviation of the clap - will arrive around 9 o'clock. Apparently, the old plane would now be used as a decoy plane so that when a plane wasn't available it could be loaded with passengers who could sit there thinking that they would be leaving in fifteen minutes.”
― Lewis Black