Andrew Stanek > Quotes

“It should be explained for readers who might not be familiar with the concept that a quizillion is defined as the highest number anyone can possibly think of that is not infinity. It is distinguished from infinity plus one because unlike infinity plus one it cannot be used to win arguments with children.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Cosmology is basically the study of objects that are too far away to see (astronomy being the study of things that are close enough to see).”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“businessmen wear ties. The tie is a piece of clothing that serves no known useful purpose. It does not keep the neck warm, nor does it keep the shirt from falling off, nor does it secure the collar to the shirt, nor even does it act as a counterweight to the heavy items that you might reasonably have in your back pocket. The tie therefore does nothing. Most women have quite sensibly forgone ties in favor of their own totally impractical and inexplicable garments, like high heels.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“The field of deep sea oceanography was invented by claustrophiliacs (people who enjoy being confined in small spaces, the opposite of claustrophobics) and people who are willing to go to particularly extreme lengths for some peace and quiet.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“It is therefore by definition impossible for cosmologists to discover anything, because they can’t see them, and if they do see them it instantly becomes astronomy and is no longer their problem.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Physics holds that the faster you go, the slower time goes, and that if you go close to the speed of light time goes very slowly, and that you cannot go faster than the speed of light but if you ever do you go back in time. This idea was first introduced by Albert Einstein a very high speed ago.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Our 11th grade biology teacher was just a cardboard cutout of Bill Nye,” Sam said proudly. “Best teacher I ever had.”
― Andrew Stanek, Flat Space

“in as a level a tone”
― Andrew Stanek, Dragon Blood

“-Modern science suggests, with conflicting evidence, that many personality traits are determined before birth, so Hitler is not likely to change his ways just because he has been displaced in space. In other words, Hitler may be evil by nature.”
― Andrew Stanek, How to Kill Hitler: A Guide For Time Travelers

“I am tall as a tree, And short as a bush, I will go very far, If you give me a push, I am known for my height, But not for my length, And doing my job, Requires no great strength. What am I?”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Doomed. (Sign Here Please)

“Just because you have a gun doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to shoot somebody,”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are On Fire. (Sign Here Please)

“This is our research and development bureau,” Ian said, gesturing broadly. “Here, our hard-working researchers have discovered a new and smaller font size, hitherto unknown to bureaucracy. We have already introduced it on a trial basis on some of our forms.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“This incredible property, that people always want more money, but at the same time, are always willing to trade money away for things that they seemed to have roughly enough of, to the point that useless garbage piles up in their homes, is amazing. Scientists who study human transactions have no idea why people do this. Economists’ working theory is that people are idiots.”
― Andrew Stanek, Andrew's Anarchy

“The tie is a piece of clothing that serves no known useful purpose. It does not keep the neck warm, nor does it keep the shirt from falling off, nor does it secure the collar to the shirt, nor even does it act as a counterweight to the heavy items that you might reasonably have in your back pocket. The tie therefore does nothing. Most women have quite sensibly forgone ties in favor of their own totally impractical and inexplicable garments, like high heels.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“you should especially never relax around the politicians, lest they trick you into voting for them.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are A Ghost. (Sign Here Please)

“humans frequently believe things that they believe to be true but aren’t true, such as psychic healing and the one you call Einstein failing math and the foods you call Twinkies surviving on the shelf indefinitely.”
― Andrew Stanek, Flat Space

“The roared continued.”
― Andrew Stanek, Dragon Blood

“Wazzinonefirtyfirfore?”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Undead. (Sign Here Please)

“Silver dollars were also uncommon at this time.”
― Andrew Stanek, Super Quick Mysteries, Volume 1

“Paperwork is the institutional memory of bureaucracy.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are On Fire. (Sign Here Please)

“Nathan and I fled the city of Dead Donkey and got on a bus to Las Vegas only to discover that Nathan had been doomed by Director Fulcher. You were then dispatched here by Overdirector Powell, to whom you have been reassigned, and together we deduced that Nathan’s doom could be reversed by locating an anti-doomed person who - according to the watch - is in this facility, though we didn’t know that at the time. Nathan talked his serial killer into killing him, sending Nathan to the afterlife, where he managed to get Director Powell to send him back to life with a watch capable of finding the anti-doomed person. After our bus driver fled the bus, the pilot drove it off a cliff, but”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Doomed. (Sign Here Please)

“His slid into a vacant chair”
― Andrew Stanek, Dragon Blood

“political science being the branch of science where you stuff elected officials into test tubes and centrifuge them to separate out their policy views)”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are A Ghost. (Sign Here Please)

“Committee For Regulating the Size of Holes In Swiss Cheese.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Doomed. (Sign Here Please)

“When I arrived at the pavilion today to listen to Dunn speak, he was on the phone, talking to someone. I think Dunn has an accomplice - a sort of brains behind the schemes, someone coming up with all these crazy stories that he does and then splitting the cash with him. Someone who knows how to make up stories that grab the public’s eye. Someone whose ideas are truly sensational.” Andy paused, watching Ballard closely. “Say, boss, those are pretty expensive cigars. You pay for those on an editor’s salary?”
― Andrew Stanek, Super Quick Mysteries, Volume 1

“Please, sir,” said Gab. “We prefer the term ‘differently true’ to ‘dystopian Orwellian nightmare.”
― Andrew Stanek, And Then They All Died: A Dark Comedy With No Survivors

“I am eager to tolerate racial, ethnic, religious, and sexual minorities, but I have an insane, boiling hatred for affordable housing.” “Wow, you really are from San Francisco,” Sam said, impressed.”
― Andrew Stanek, Flat Space

“Leo said objected.”
― Andrew Stanek, Dragon Blood

“It’s just that the doctors here only work 138 days a year, three to six hours a day.”
― Andrew Stanek, And Then They All Died: A Dark Comedy With No Survivors

“even though colossally huge numbers of people mope around complaining about how horrible their lives are, while almost everyone who has ever died has elected to stay dead rather than come back to life and complain about their death experiences.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.