Arbinger Institute > Quotes

“There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“The more sure I am that I'm right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...when I betray myself, others' faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to 'horribilize' others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety---lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Seeing an equal person as an inferior object is an act of violence”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improvement doesn't depend on others.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“So if we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts or external wars we find ourselves in, we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can't put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“In every moment...we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don't.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Bruises heal more quickly than emotional scars do.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we’re blind, all the “solutions” we can think of will actually make matters worse. Whether at work or at home, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions.”
― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

“A solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...whenever i dehumanize another, I necessarily dehumanize all that is human---including myself.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“always remember that it is progress, not perfection, you should be looking for.”
― Arbinger Institute

“Have you ever been in a conflict with someone who thought he was wrong. If you are not wrong, then you will be willing to consider how you might be mistaken.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“People whose hearts are at war toward others can't consider others' objections and challenges enough to be able to find a way through them.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“But like many who are lonely, I was more preoccupied with others than were those who lived to socialize...Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Whenever we are in the box, we have a need that is met by others’ poor behavior. And so our boxes encourage more poor behavior in others, even if that behavior makes our lives more difficult.”
― The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

“If we have deep problems, it's because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Most problems in life are not solved merely by correction.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Living the material Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better. Don’t use the vocabulary—“the box,” and so on—with people who don’t already know it. Do use the principles in your own life. Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own. Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself. Don’t give up on yourself when you”
― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

“When you begin to see others as people,’ Ben told me, ‘issues related to race, ethnicity, religion, and so on begin to look and feel different. You end up seeing people who have hopes, dreams, fears, and even justifications that resemble your own.”
― The Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“If you see people of a particular race or culture as objects, your view of them is racist, whatever your color or lack of color or you power or lack of power.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“But none of that is possible,” he continued, “if my heart is at war. A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.”
― The Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“the way we can know if we’ve betrayed ourselves is by whether we are still desiring to be helpful.”
― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“If we don’t measure the impact of our efforts on the objectives of those we are serving, we will remain blind to important ways we need to adjust and will end up not serving others well.”
― The Arbinger Institute, The Outward Mindset: Seeing Beyond Ourselves

“The more people we can find to agree with our side of the story, the more justified we will feel in believing that side of the story.”
― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

“Self-betrayal” 1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.” 2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. 3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted. 4. So — when I betray myself, I enter the box.”
― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box