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Start by following Jay Leno.
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“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
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“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,
flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist
attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of
the Pledge of Allegiance?”
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flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist
attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of
the Pledge of Allegiance?”
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“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. ”
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“You can't stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.”
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“Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances. ”
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“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”
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“The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. ”
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“Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”
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“New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
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“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.”
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“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. ”
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“They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.”
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“I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. ”
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“It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”
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“Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.”
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“The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees.”
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“I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.”
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“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”
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“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." Jan. 21, 2010”
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“the is cool”
― Leading With My Chin
― Leading With My Chin
“I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.”
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“They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.”
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“There's nothing more frightening than a day job.”
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“Dacă Dumnezeu ar fi vrut să votăm, ne-ar fi dat
candidaţi.”
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candidaţi.”
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