Matt Dinniman > Quotes

“Goddammit Donut!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Cats don't drink cocktails,' I said.

'Cats don't shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.”
― Matt Dinniman, Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“If we get to the point where we don’t help each other anymore, that’s when we stop being human.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Trauma does that, I thought. It’s an explosion with your heart at the center. It changes everything all at once.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“They will not break me. Fuck them all. They will not break me. But I will break them. This is my promise to myself, to my friends, and to you, anyone who reads these words. I will break them all. - Crawler Carl, 25th Edition of The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook”
― Matt Dinniman, The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

“Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Being eaten by a bugbear makes me uncomfortable, Carl. So if your boyfriend ogling your tootises keeps these easy-peasy bugs coming at us instead of more of those lava-spitting llamas, then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“And I was so stupid, because I thought since I loved you, that meant you loved me.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“Did... did you just rip your dick off and throw it at me?”
― Matt Dinniman, The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

“The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Don’t compare your circumstances with how they were yesterday. Look at how they were years ago.”
― Matt Dinniman, Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“So help me god,” I said. “I will abandon you right here and right now if you choose to take up the kazoo.”
― Matt Dinniman, Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“There is no shame in wanting to be alone yet also wanting the comfort and the strength of your brethren.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

“Capital punishment means those without the capital get the punishment. ​- ​Executed Prisoner, John A. Spenkelink”
― Matt Dinniman, The Gate of the Feral Gods

“Mongo is appalled.”
― Matt Dinniman, Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“Spoiler alert. Nobody is going to read your autobiography disguised as a space vampire and minotaur romance. You and every other half-wit out there with a nearby Starbucks and a laptop is writing the same bile. What you’re really doing is inadvertently live-blogging the story of human mediocrity,”
― Matt Dinniman, The Gate of the Feral Gods

“Kids aren’t always a product of their parents. But sometimes that doesn’t matter. Sometimes parents can cast a shadow so thick, you can drown in it.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

“I mean, really. I can’t be held accountable for everything I’ve ever said to a stripper.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

“If it used to be okay, but it’s not okay anymore, then maybe you should do something about it. Don’t compare your circumstances with how they were yesterday. Look at how they were years ago. We’re supposed to be making the world… the universe… a better place for our children. If it’s not better, if you’re dealing with cruelty, with neglect, then you should do something about it. So, yeah. Fuck ‘em. Fuck King Rust and his asshole child. If you’re unhappy with your government, then kick them out and set up your own, one that represents the people’s best interests. You shouldn’t have to put up with some loser who’s going to take the people’s money and waste it on games, especially when those games entail killing people weaker than him with little or no real danger to himself. What a pussy. That’s my opinion.”
― Matt Dinniman, Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“My beautiful boy,” Miriam whispered as she turned to dust. “My beautiful boy.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“Don’t gaslight me, Jesus.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

“The baby velociraptor settled into my lap. I suddenly felt uncomfortable having that many teeth so close to my crotch. If he bit me now, I didn’t know what would happen.”
― Matt Dinniman , Carl's Doomsday Scenario

“New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up. Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Weapon Box!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“She looked up at me. “Viva la revolución, Carl.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“The moment anybody becomes a citizen, the Syndicate bends them over and fucks them. I can’t stop you from getting fucked. But I am the condom. You guys have condoms on your world? Of course you do. Everybody has condoms. Your ass is gonna hurt no matter what, but at least you won’t have tryptic genital mites after.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade