Matt Shaw's Blog

Sadly I have misplaced the original emails I sent to VUE cinema and VODAFONE. 
However the set-up of the story was this;
I got in touch asking the cinema if they were planning a Vodafone Thursday promo (like Orange Wednesday's two tickets for the price of one but for Vodafone instead). The first email is my reply from VUE cinema...



Dear Mr Shaw,
Thank you for your email. Please accept my most sincere apologies for any inconvenience and disappointment caused during your recent visit to Vue.
Please be advised that Vue cinemas do not have any control as to the offers provided by different phone networks. It is completely at Oranges discretion to offer this promotion to their customers. I am sorry if you feel discriminated against this is certainly not our attention. 
We would recommend getting in contact with your phone network provider to express your concerns and share any ideas you may have for their consideration.
Once again I do apologise for any disappointment caused. Thank you for taking the time to send in your comments.
Kind regards,
Megan

THE REST OF THE MESSAGES WERE FROM VODAFONE - I got in touch asking if they'd work with VUE on offering us, the customers, free stuff.



Hello Matt,
Thank you for contacting Vodafone customer services regarding offers and promos.
I can totally understand your concern about the promos; however we do not have any promos for cinema.






Dear Vodafone customer services,
I hear where you stand with regards to promos for the cinema. What about a compromise? How about running some promos for some free video rentals from Blockbusters?
Kind Regards,




Hello Matt,
Thank you for writing back to us with regards to Vodafone VIP.
As per your email stated, I would recommend you to contact our dedicated team who handles query related to Vodafone VIP. I would suggest that you call our event management team on 07772 286 773 with regard to your query.
Furthermore, you are currently within your contract period with Vodafone and the commitment end date for the number 07********* is 06/09/2013. If you wish to terminate the contract before the contract end date, an Early Termination Fee (ETF) will be applicable on the account. The ETF is £471.15 as of today. This amount is the line rental till the contract end date and is calculated on pro rata basis. This amount reduces on daily basis.
You can pay the ETF by the following methods:― Over the phone by calling 191 (credit/debit card)― Cheque― Cash at Barclays bank

If you do not pay the ETF by the above methods, it will be added to the final bill. If you wish to schedule the cancellation, please get back to us with confirmation.
I trust this information is helpful.

Kind regards,Preeti Patel Vodafone Customer Services





Dear Preeti (what a pretty name), 
Thank you for coming back to me. I would love to call your event management team but, unfortunately, I have run out of free minutes this month due to a new adult line I've found (it's amazing, more than happy to share the number if you want). 
With regards to the amount payable to cancel my phone. I will work out how much I spend on the cinema and see if the saving of going to Orange is worthwhile. If it is - I shall be in touch. If it isn't - I shall suffer this crappy service until 2013 - ensuring I hassle you week in and week out with pointless complaint after pointless complaint.
On another note - my washing line has snapped in the recent wind. Do you think my Vodafone line will be a good substitute to hang my washing out on if we ever get the sun back? Seems a shame to go out and buy a new one, if it's not really needed.
Regards,
Matt

Head and Shoulders:
I have been using Head & Shoulders for a number of months now but I was wondering if you could explain the benefits I am supposed to be seeing, please? I feel as though there is little change, overall, to warrant spending the extra cash on this product compared to a supermarket's own brand.
On the one hand my hair seems to be bouncier and it even appears to have a nice healthy shine to it. Certainly people have been known to make positive comments upon my hair over the past few weeks whereas before hand they rarely bothered to make such comments ("Your hair looks nice" and "Do you use Timotei?"). 
But, on the other hand, I have seen very little change in my shoulders? It's gotten to the stage where I feel as though I'm wasting both the shampoo and my time by even bothering to apply any to my shoulders at all??


Hi Matt and thanks for your email to Head & Shoulders.
I am pleased to hear that you have noticed a positive effect on your hair while using Head & Shoulders shampoo.
Head & Shoulders is designed to tackle the problem of dandruff. It should also leave your hair thoroughly cleansed and in good condition and for this purpose, we have a number of variants to suit differing needs.
The primary cause of dandruff in humans is Malassezia globosa (M. globosa), a naturally occurring fungus.
This microorganism produces oleic acid which it deposits on our scalps. The way our bodies respond to this causes irritation of the top layer of skin and this leads to an increased turnover of skin cells. These skin cells also clump together so we see them as flakes of dandruff often visible around the scalp, hair and shoulder area.
Regular use of Head & Shoulders helps eliminate this fungal cause of dandruff, calms the symptoms of dandruff, and removes visible flakes.
Kind regards, 
Donna
Consumer Relations 

Dear Donna (what a lovely name),
Thank you for coming back to me with regards to my email. However, I wasn't enquiring as to any problems with Dandruff, I was saying that I haven't noticed any differences to my shoulders and was wondering whether it's a waste of time putting Head & Shoulders on them - perhaps just putting it on my hair instead and leaving it at that.
I appreciate you took the time in coming back to me but I feel as though you merely took it as an opportunity to brag about Head & Shoulders instead of really getting to the nitty-gritty of my email. 
Anyway, thank you for the Science lesson - I will file it away in the back area of my brain with the rest of the pointless crap I know whilst moving on with my life and desperately seeking the truth and correct way of using things.
Yours,
Matt Flakey Shaw.

Dear President Obama,
‘Sup.
First of all please allow me to apologise for myself for I am just a lowly Englishman and know I shouldn’t be messaging the most powerful man in the world. With that in mind, if my general presents annoys you please do not take it to heart and have me JFK’d because, I know it may come as a surprise, my ma would miss me tremendously (she says I am her favourite and that she simply ‘tolerates’ my brother - at least I think that’s what she says because she’s drunk half the time she slurs the words).
Anyway, I digress.
I have never been to America. Not by choice. It is, sadly, just too expensive to come over. Dave Cameron is running out country into the ground and it’s leaving people, like myself, a little short in the pocket for the necessary air fare and hotels needed for America. ‘Tis indeed a shame because I’d love to meet Mickey. I did meet the French Mickey (Le Mickey) once but,  between you and I and all the FBI agents thumbing this letter (hi, guys and gals) - the French one was an asshole. Just because I haven’t been to the States, though, don’t think I haven’t heard what great things you’re doing for the people over there and I just wanted to send you a little ‘well done’ note. I appreciate people of position, such as yourself, don’t get much thanks and so it would be nice to have a little ‘well done, you’ occasionally. A joyous little pat on the back to make you beam that lovely smile (dentists must love you, seriously).
With that out of the way, though - I do have a question and I hope you aren’t offended. I was sitting with my mate, Billy John, and he said you weren’t really black. He said it was a conspiracy theory to try and convince, once you put the house in order, the more backward parts of America that black people aren’t all that bad and deserve to be treated as a white person’s equal. God only know people have been saying it (and proving it) for years and years it’s just those idiot few who can’t seem to grasp it and help strive towards - “One Nation” and “One People” and, of course “One Ring to Rule them All”.
Like I said - I hope you don’t take offence. It makes no odds to me. I think you’re a top bloke. After all, you’re mates with Denzel and that is cool as fuck. Wish I were mates with Denzel. He might even invite me to America. Hint hint.

Keep up the good work ruling the world. You’re totally like Leo Dicaprio on the front of that ship. Although you don’t have Kate Winslet. And you can’t. She’s ours. Sorry. Nice baps.
Kind Regards,
Gordon Brown.

Dear People at Dove,
I was wondering whether you could answer a question for me. Being an animal lover I shy away from all products where animals are used (unless they're used fairly) and, recently, one of my mates (a guy called Johnny) told me that Dove handcream contained traces of real doves. Obviously I looked online but I can't find any mention of this anywhere and it's causing me great concern - so much so that, in the meantime, I've stopped using your product.
Could you please let me know the truth of the situation? Are real doves killed and used in Dove products or is it like my friend Alan said - the doves used are part of a breeding program and not actually hurt.... a bit like how fat geese have liposuction and it's this excess fat, which is sucked out, that goes into tubs of delicious goose fat.
My extra dry hands and I desperately await your reply.

- Gutted, I went to Facebook this to them and had to message it instead because you can't write it on their walls. If I get a reply, I'll post it as a new blog but I reckon they may just go quiet on this one. Time will tell!

Dear Sir,
First of all please accept my apologies for the slightly strange email but I am a little concerned about your product.
Being a cat person, I know very little about dog food but the other day, after one Hell of an argument with my girlfriend, I sat down to eat what I thought was a nice steak pie. I won't deny the pie tasted a little 'funny' but she made the effort of making it for me and was still clearly in a mood with me so I did my best just to wolf it down with a smile upon my face.
Hours later when I felt a strange stirring within my stomach, she did inform me that she actually made the pie from a tin of dog food. I have felt a little off colour ever since with upset stomach.
I don't wish to go to the Doctors about it for, with her record, I'm not sure what will happen but please can you advise me as to whether there are any products within dog foods which shouldn't be consumed by humans?
Also, if you happen to know the same answers with regards to if it were cat food in the pie (just in case she tries it again) I'd be grateful to hear them. 
Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you.

Dear Mat
Thank you for your email, agreeably I don't think we've come across this one before?
Our cat and dog foods are made with natural ingredients, the meats used are from animals passed as fit for human consumption. As a one off this shouldn't cause you a problem however I would suggest not making a habit of it, dog food after all is for dogs.
Take care and best of luck 
Kind regards
Lorraine Consumer ServicesButcher's Pet Care Ltd

When I was newly single - I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Time, I won't lie, that I struggled to fill if I wasn't working or writing a new horror story of some description. That is, at least, until I woke up one day and had a brainwave - whilst brushing my teeth - that it would be a good idea to email Lynx and ask them if I was using their product incorrectly because I wasn't appearing to be getting the Lynx effect that was clearly available from the adverts in magazines and on the telly.

I asked them whether I was using the can from the wrong angle, wrong hand...Literally - every bizarre combination I could dream up, I put in the letter. I then asked them for detailed instructions to be sent or, at the very least, money for a prostitute. They actually gave me a voucher (£2.00 I think). Not sure which prostitutes they use but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been enough. Anyway, as detailed in the ebook, I scanned the voucher into my computer and emailed it back to them - insulted that they thought I was cheap enough to 'pay off' like that.

I posted my letter to Facebook and it had such a reaction I couldn't help but send more out.

I sent letters to Pet Food companies, The Queen, The Prime Minister, Condom companies, British Gas, Pizza companies, sweet companies (got loads of freebies) and I compiled them all - along with the replies I received - for my book.

Other than the Lynx one - I think my favourite back and fourth was with the Council over what bin I should put my dead cat in. I won't tell you how that ended - if you want to know, you can buy the ebook from Amazon! It's not even expensive! Look:

Amazon.com link for book.

Amazon.co.uk link for book.

See - not exactly a lot of money for the amount of laughs you'll find within the electronic pages. Hell, there are even pictures too and some rather fun replies to spamming companies! Go on, give it a go - after all, if you like what you find on this blog - you'll like what you find in the ebook. I promise.

Oh and speaking of this blog - be sure to keep coming back weekly! You can 'follow' it for ease or even subscribe so you get an email when the weekly updates come in!

The Ebook Cover

Dear Sirs,
I was wondering whether you could appease my fragile, slightly concerned mind for I am a little bit worried. We have been getting weather reports for over a week now warning us of the impending Snow of Doom. It was prophesied by the mighty Met Office and it came true! Now, I’m currently lying in my bed suffering from an extremely rare form of Man FluGina. I’ll be lucky if I survive the weekend, truth be told, but I’m putting on a brave face for the sake my lady (Bob).
She has returned from some madcap adventure of getting work where upon she failed miserably for getting out of our car park. She did inform me that, even if she had, she wouldn’t have managed to get out of Turnpike Way for it, as per usual, hasn’t been treated for The Snow of Doom - unless of course this is an extremely rare form of snow which does not go away with the use of grit in which case...We’re Doomed! We’re all Doomed!
I doubt that this is the case, though, and instead believe it to be fair that - once again - the roads haven’t been successfully looked after and this is where my concern really comes in. If we can’t get this right...If we struggle to look after a few busy roads...How will we fare when the zombie apocalypse comes to town (and for all I know it could already be here and that is what my illness is...My body struggling to fight off the infection from when my cat, Nellie, scratched me - the bitch).
Do you at least have a plan as to what will happen when the Zombies do come? Will certain areas be ignored - just as they are when the snow falls - or will we all get the same treatment? Obviously - if it’s always to be that people in certain areas are failing to get the same treatment, could you at least point me in the right direction of where to move so I can get looked after a bit better? 
I’m sure I’ll survive a bit of snow even though Turnpike Way and the surrounding areas are an absolute joke but...The Zombies? I’m not sure, without your help, I could manage to make it through that.
On another note, before I leave you to your peace and quiet and return to my fevered dreams, do you know if normal laws will apply when the Zombies do start attacking? Would I be up, in a court of law, if I were to attack a biting Zombie? Would I be up for Zombie-Slaughter and sent to prison for x amount of time? But then, if that were to happen, maybe prison would be a safer place to be.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Matt Shaw
Concerned Resident of Hedge End
Leader of the Zombie Attack Squad
They never replied but then...It is the Council so what did you expect? They probably also remember me from when I pestered them about what bin my pet cat should go in after she died (available in the book "Wasting Stamps")

Dear Mr. Marmite,
I’m just popping this message here to voice my one and only complaint I have with your otherwise perfect product: The lack of gold in your Marmite Gold. From the pictures and the way people were talking, I was foolishly led to believe there was real Gold in them there Marmites and so I feverishly snatched up three tubs of the golden goodness around Christmas time, when I stumbled upon it in ASDA at a bargain price of about £4.00
Believe me when I say I’d never normally get rid of your amazing product once I had it but in January I felt the pinch quite hard. Don’t feel bad, I’m pretty sure it’s not the pots of Marmite which caused me to consider one of those high rate loans from Wonga - more likely the amount I spent on friends and family members with their lavish gifts of gadgets and games. Anyway, I did what any self respecting person would do - I boxed up, neatly with bubble wrap and everything, one of your tubs of Marmite Gold and shipped it, recorded delivery, to one of those Cash for Gold companies.
Weeks passed and I continued to hassle them before I eventually heard back.
They informed me, on the phone - a nice man named Barry - that, unfortunately, Marmite Gold doesn’t contain any real Gold and, therefore, they’re unable to offer me any money as their advert had promised.
With that in mind I am still broke.
I am also down a pot of Marmite.
Any chance, out of pity, you could at least send me a replacement? It wouldn’t even have to be the Gold. I’m just feeling a little hard done by.
Kind Regards and the fondest of sincerity,
Matt Shaw
Contains No Real Gold!

Fancy seeing what (if anything) they had to say?

Dear Ben and Dear Jerry,
Whilst I love the delicious flavours you offer your customers (and even the low-life who steal as opposed to purchase) I can’t help but feel a little shocked by a recent flavour I first believed could be a favourite: Baked Alaska.
Whilst the promise of eating vanilla ice-cream with chewy marshmallow bits and white chocolate polar-bears is indeed truly scrumptious (a wonderful word, don’t you agree) I find it all too upsetting.
Allow me to explain what I mean further - but don’t worry if you don’t follow for I know I can waffle a tad and so I have enclosed a picture to further show the point I am about to make...The point I am to make when I do, indeed, stop waffling.
I tried a sample of the Baked Alaska ice-cream in a cinema complex. The lovely staff there suggested it to me whilst I was trying to decide upon a flavour when all I really fancied was Raspberry Ripple and that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Naturally I agreed, tried some and - rightly so - fell in love. I purchased a one scoop cup there and then (I didn’t need more, at this point, for I had just eaten a great big Nandos and was just being greedy if I’m being perfectly honest).
Days later I purchased a tub, a big one, all for myself. I couldn’t wait to eat it with my latest movie rental (Bridget Jones Diary - the second one) as a real treat for myself. And then it hit me...I realised what I was eating.
I looked down at the bowl, upon my lap next to my cat, and realised all the polar bears were missing heads. It was as though you have a psychopathic, disgruntled employee who is taking his time to maliciously tear the heads off of them before they get mixed in with the rest of the ingredients (no doubt a ploy to disturb boys and girls of all ages). I love polar bears and it just made me remember how endangered they were in real life too. These sad little chocolate pieces all missing their heads - all dead in my bowl. And then another image hit me as I got to the final bit of ice-cream: A headless polar bear sitting on top of a melting piece of ice-cream. This made me realise that, not only are Polar Bears nearly all gone but...So are the ice caps and then thousands of other amazing creatures will be gone too. Worse still, the world will flood and Kevin Costner will grow gills.
Needless to say I threw the rest of the ice-cream away.
I am writing to you, today, to ask you - was this the intention you had when you created this flavour? Because, if it is, I think it’s a little bit sick.
Please find attached a copy of the picture.
Kind Regards,
Matt Shaw
PS - I donated £10.00 to WWF to alleviate some of my guilt so you can at least feel good to know your product caused that to happen.
Can you spot the headless Bear on one of the final ice-caps? Tragic stuff.Fancy seeing if anything was ever said to this post?

Okay. Pay attention.

Ready?

A Looper is someone who lives in 'present day'.

Got it so far? Awesome.

In the future...Crime syndicates send people can for the Looper's to kill.

They just sort of 'ping-appear' in front of the Looper and the Looper shoots 'em dead. Simple.

However, things turn to crap when someone known as The Rainmaker wants to close all the loop-holes and starts to send back the future versions of The Loopers and that's the basics of this film:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is getting ready to terminate his new assignment when suddenly Bruce Willis (the future version of Joseph thanks to some clever and subtle make-up) appears in front of him. Naturally it's Bruce so he gets away and decides to hunt down The Rainmaker. He figures, kill The Rainmaker and Looper's will never get terminated meaning everyone can go on and live their lives in full and happiness. Or some bollocks like that.

Chased by the people who don't really fancy Future people running around the present, and chased by the present-day version of himself this is an intelligent film with good action, solid acting and a good story.

A little bit Sixth Sense (boy stuff) and a little bit Terminator (future dude tracking down people in present to save future blah blah) this is well worth catching at the cinema.

Nice to see Willis heading back to 'decent' film territory too. Recent films have been getting progressively worse!

Warning: Don't take 'thick' people to see this. They'll be forever asking 'how' and 'why'.

9/10