Sid Crowe's Blog: Sid Crowe's aMUSEmetns

In his novel, which is known to be the greatest novel of the 19th century, Leo Tolstoy says “there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.” This quote I find to be the best line in the whole novel. It’s been 138 years since he published that book and still, I think everyone needs to pay attention to his words.

My opinion of the novel itself is a different story, but the truth is, this quote is perfect. No two people are the same and no two hearts are the same. Now, if you’ve read any of my novels then you’ll know that I have no issue with same sex relationships. I believe anyone of any colour, gender, race should be allowed to love whomever they choose. Just because their love looks different than yours, doesn’t make it any less real.

I’d also like to take his quote one step further and refurbish it. I believe there are as many kinds of genders as there are genitals. I know, this is a bit far fetched, but hear me out.

A big influence in my work is the idea of how gender stereotypes impact younger people. I know for me, when I was growing up there was an increasing amount of pressure to discard my own interests and pursue those that “men” are supposed to pursue. This means playing sports, being funny, not having any fear and chasing women.

This divide between genders I believe is as detrimental if not more than the exclusion of certain types of love. I know for me I was given an ultimatum. It was indirectly forced onto me but eventually I was the one forcing it onto myself. The ultimatum was: be a stereotypical guy – play sports, act tough and ignore your emotions. The other side of it was: play music, be who you want to be and go through life happy – non popular – man.

At the time, the first choice seemed more lucrative but now looking back I know I would have been better off had I followed the latter choice. If I had the power to go back, would I change it? no. Even though I took a route that led to unhappiness, it made me who I am today and if I didn’t follow that route I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog right now.

I kind of went all over the place today but I want to end on this: I realize that it makes us feel better when we can categorize things. We say “this is how love is supposed to look” or “this is how a woman acts” or whatever but the fact of the matter is that these expectations and rules only lead to unhealthy results. Sure they may work for the average person (numerically) but what about the young boy who doesn’t want to tell his parents or friends that he’s attracted to other boys?

And what about the person who was born with a set of genitals and doesn’t feel right in their body. I can tell you what happens to them. Right now, they internalize the pressure and don’t feel at home in their bodies. It causes them too much pain and they look for a way out. Sadly enough, the easiest way out is death. Youth in the LGBTQ Community are 4-6 times more likely to commit suicide than those who identify as heterosexual.

So, if you know anyone who isn’t like you, think for a second, how would you feel if everyone was like them and you were the minority.

I am committing myself to giving away the first five novels that I write for free. That’s right, the first five. I love writing and you love reading. How’s that sound?

Why am I doing this?

It’s simple – I am a brand new fiction writer who has no previous experience. I cannot guarantee that my books will blow your mind. All I can do is pound away at my keyboard and pour my heart into my work. That doesn’t mean it will be great, but I’m trying.

I’ve also made this announcement public, by putting it on my blog, which means now I kinda have to do it. I hope you hold me to my word.

Yes, I still will have them available for purchase in paperback and e-format but there will always be free access for those of you who don’t want to risk anything more than your time. If my writing turns out to be half-decent and you really enjoy it, all I ask is that you share it with friends.

I want this to be a fun and interactive process and I want you all to join me for the ride. It won’t be easy, but nothing fun is. I am going to experience procrastination and doubt and fear and every other horrible feeling that life has to offer, but that’s ok. I will blog about my failures and hopefully we can all learn from them and be entertained in the meanwhile.

My First Novel is Available For Download Here.

My Second Novel is Available For Download Here.


My Third Novel is Currently Being Written.

P.S. I am seeking beta readers. Basically I would like to find a group of people who read my work before anyone else and give me feedback. If that is something you’re interested in, you can email me at sidcrowepublishing@gmail.com

ou can read the story below, or you can download the PDF.

When he woke up, he was dripping in sweat. Life was pouring out of him and he had no clue why. Andrew was the kind of man who could sleep through a hurricane. But tonight, that was not the case. His hands were shaking and he could not focus his eyes. Two hours passed and his violent state did not show signs of slowing.

“It wasn’t my dreams,” thought Andrew. “It had nothing to do with what I ate before bed. Why is this happening?”

Most of the time the body knows what’s wrong far before the mind does. By the time his alarm clock went off, Andrew was finally starting to settle his body. It seemed to him that this was life playing a cruel joke. He was robbed of sleep and once he was given the ability to rest, he had to go to work.

For the past four years Andrew had worked at the same job. He was a customer service representative in a call center. Working in a call center is never easy work. It’s a lot of talking and most of the time the people on the other end are not happy. This can have a negative impact on someone’s view of the world.

When Andrew arrived at work that morning, he was the most tired he’s ever been before. The one thing he had to look forward to was the fact that he got to sit beside Emmanuel. Emmanuel was the happiest person that Andrew has ever met. Between calls, he could always make Andrew laugh.

When Andrew took his seat, the phone didn’t stop. In fact, it didn’t stop for the first three hours. All the calls were the basically the same; someone was upset with the service and wanted to make someone else feel bad. This is the case for most people. When a company delivers average service, they feel that this company is the fault of all of the issues in their life. And maybe it is, but I doubt that.

On his last call before lunch, Andrew treated it as all the calls before. “Telemax Corporation, Andrew speaking,” he said.

“Hi,” Said the voice on the other line.

“How may I help you today?”

“Oh you’ve already helped me enough, Andrew.” Said the voice.

“Okay,” replied Andrew. “How did I do that?”

“By showing me the man you are.” The voice said before it hung up.

“Hello?” Said Andrew.

The voice was that of a man. It spoke slowly and pronounced each syllable as if they were separate words.

“You okay, honey pie?” said Emmanuel.

“Yeah…” Said Andrew.

“You look like you saw a ghost or something.”

“I just had a weird phone call.” And he explained a few times over to Emmanuel what the voice said. Emmanuel jokingly said it is probably one of his stalkers.

“You’re cute enough to have a stalker, you know, Andrew.” Emmanuel always made sly remarks toward Andrew.

“Why would someone want to stalk me?” Said Andrew.

“I don’t know mister. But I’m just kidding. I don’t think it’s anything you should worry about. I get weirdoes calling here all the time.”

Andrew went about his day and thought nothing of The Voice. When his day was over, he took the bus home. Andrew rarely knew the date. He had no reason to. The past three years all felt like the same day. He did the exact same thing every day and he had no one in his life to make plans with so he never bothered to look at the calendar. Whenever he did look at it, it was always a few months behind because he forgot to flip the pages.

That night, when Andrew got home, he felt tired but was afraid to sleep. Andrew was afraid of waking up in the same state as he did the night before. So, Andrew watched TV until he fell asleep. He slept on the couch that night.

When the morning came, Andrew awoke perfectly. His body was not in the same shape as the morning before but something was wrong. Andrew couldn’t tell what it was though. He walked around his house trying to understand why he felt disoriented.

The doors were locked and the windows were shut but Andrew had a deep conviction that someone was in his apartment. After searching all corners of his place, Andrew felt safe. He got dressed, ate breakfast and got ready for work in the same routine that he was used to for the past three years.

After washing his face, Andrew made his way to the front door of his apartment and stood there frozen. There were three objects lying inside his front door. A lit incense that looked as if it had just started burning, a leaf from a plant and a note. The note read “I’m glad you’re rested today.” And the signature said The Voice. He automatically knew which voice this was. It was the one from the phone the day earlier.

Feeling violated, Andrew grabbed his things and left. He made sure his windows and doors were locked again and indeed they were. On his commute to work, Andrew tried to understand why this person cared about him. Andrew had nothing to give him. He had no money, no fame or status and was the most regular, mundane person he knew.

Andrew was clearly put off by his experiences in the past few days but because of his rigid routine, he was able to leave all of it at the door of his office. When he got to his calling station, Emmanuel was already on the phone. The time on Andrew’s computer read 11 AM as he clocked in.

“You’re late,” said John, Andrew’s boss.

“I know, I’m sorry John. It won’t happen again.”

“It better not, or you’ll be written up.”

As Andrew made his way to his station he thought “I can be on time for three years straight and hear nothing from him, but one day late and I get chastised.” Andrew looked at his watch and noticed the time was wrong. The time on his watch and all of his clocks at home had been changed.

The rest of the day flew by days usually did for Andrew. Before he knew it, the day was over. When he was making his way home he thought about calling the police. “Why bother,” he thought. “What does it matter if my life gets taken? I can live the same day again and again, which I’ve already done, or I could just get it over with right now. Maybe this guy is doing me a favor.”

When he stepped inside of his apartment, Andrew could tell that no one was there. He knew that the apartment was empty but he knew there was something in there waiting for him. He smelled the incense again coming from his room and with his plain indifference, he followed it. He was ready to lose his life. The only thing he held onto was the smell of the incense. The smell reminded him how nice it is to have the ability to smell. “This would be a great way to end it,” thought Andrew as he admired the incense.

When he walked into his room, he found a plant with the same leaves as were left at his entrance that morning. The sign on the plant read “Snake Plant.” Andrew wondered why this plant was left here. What is the significance of the snake plant? The snake, the serpent, symbolizes the devil. Did this man want Andrew to know he was the devil?

“But what about me?” Thought Andrew. “What do I want The Voice to know? I want them to know that I don’t care what he’s going to do to me. I really don’t.” And instead of thinking it, Andrew yelled it, hoping this person would hear him somehow “I don’t care! Just get it over with already. Kill me.”

Andrew awoke the next morning feeling as awake as he’s ever felt. His nose missed the smell of the incense. That incense was a glitter of hope. It was a fine hope that Andrew would not have to go to work again. But, Andrew woke up. He was alive and as far as he was concerned, that meant he needed to go to work.

As his day passed, Andrew was hoping that each call was The Voice. He wanted to tell The Voice to take his life. When his shift was over and Andrew was making his way home, he felt something in his pocket. It was a piece of paper and it read “The Baltimore, 10PM.”

The Baltimore was the only pub that Andrew knew about and it was the only one he’s ever been to. He didn’t even know what day it was, but that didn’t matter. On his walk to the pub, Andrew was curious as well as scared. He felt fear because he didn’t think The Voice would kill him in a pub. And not knowing what was going to happen is what scared Andrew.

He turned the last corner and felt a hand grab at his back. Before he knew it, Andrew had his back to a wall and a knife was held to his neck. The man who was holding him had a mask on. As he held Andrew he said “I’ve been waiting for this for the longest time.”

“So have I,” said Andrew.

“I wanted to taunt you more, but I realized I was only taunting myself.”

“Well then, what are you waiting for?”

The man re-adjusted his grip and in doing so restricted Andrew’s breathing. The moment Andrew realized he could not breathe, a natural instinct kicked in. It was a similar instinct to drowning. When one feels like they are losing their life, their body takes over and forces them to try to survive. For Andrew, his mind followed his body’s desire to survive. It gasped for air even though he wanted to strangle to death.

“What do you want?” Asked Andrew.

“I want your life.” Said the voice.

“Have it.”

“It seems as if I can have anything I want in this moment,” said the voice as he released Andrew and Andrew fell to the floor. The man pulled Andrew by the hair and held the knife to his neck. Andrew lost consciousness from a blow to the head. When he awoke they were standing on a bridge facing downtown Vancouver.

“Do you know where we are?” Said the man.

“We’re on the Cambie Bridge.” Said Andrew.

“Good. Now, I’m going to ask you one question. If you answer it, you’re a free man.”

Andrew stood silent.

“The question is,” said the masked man “what are the five things you will miss after I kill you and throw you off of this bridge.”

Just like one feels when they take a gasp for air after drowning, Andrew felt relief and clarity. Five things immediately pooped into his head. Even though he thought he wanted to die, he answered The Voice “Emmanuel from work, the rain falling on my face, the view of this bridge, my mother and the smell of the incense you burned at my house.”

As soon as Andrew finished his last word, he felt himself free. The man was walking away.

When he arrived home that night, Andrew smelled the same incense burning. He followed the smell to his room and found a note. The note read “I hope you remember those five things you said you’ll miss. I want you to experience all of them this week. Hangout with your friend, feel the rain, call your mother, and walk over the bridge and burn the pack of incense I’ve left in your drawer. If at the end of this week you still want to die, I shall meet you on the bridge at three AM next Friday.”

The week passed and Andrew asked Emmanuel to go to the Baltimore pub. He had the best night of his life. One day at work, Andrew noticed it was raining and so, on his break he went to the park nearby and took his shirt off and just walked around. He got odd looks when he returned to the office that day. He called his mother and walked the Cambie Bridge every morning. And at night, he burned an incense to remind himself of how great life is.

When the following Saturday arrived, Andrew woke up to a note saying “Great choice, Andrew. Life is beautiful.”

Andrew thought his story was unique. He felt saved by an angel. He forgot the beauty of life. He forgot that no matter the circumstance, you can find beauty or disgust. But in the end, it all comes down to the filter you put on your vision. Life is as beautiful or as ugly as you let it seem. As time passed, Andrew found that he was not the only person with an experience like this. As he got closer to Emmanuel and started sharing his deepest feelings, he also shared the story of how The Voice changed his life. Emmanuel admitted that the exact same thing had happened to him a few years before.

Upon realizing that this was The Voice’s plan all along, Andrew did nothing but laugh. He looked back and thought he was a fool and a sucker. But he wouldn’t have changed those feelings for they are what brought him to his perspective on life today. Just by changing small habits, with five minutes a day, Andrew learned to love his life. The world needs more people like The Voice.

My first novel, The Speechwriter, is based in the future when school shootings become a weekly occurrence. Why did I choose school shootings? There’s one simple reason. Mass Murder – Suicide is the tip of the ice berg of our greatest social issue right now. This issue is the same thing that causes suicide, assaults, addictions, rape, excessive use of drugs and alcohol, mid-life crises, the everlasting search for “more” in life and basically everything else that seems evil.

This issue I speak about is self-esteem. Not the pop culture version of self-esteem but the term that Nathaniel Branden – the world renowned psychotherapist used. He Describes it as “the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment – happiness – are right and natural for us.”

In short, I would say self-esteem is the belief that we can handle life’s challenges and that we are worthy of all the great things life has to offer. A big part of self-esteem is self-respect. By that I mean treating ourselves and our bodies with a high level of respect. That means sleeping enough, eating well, not doing things that are detrimental to us physically, spiritually, socially or emotionally.

It is important to note that self-esteem is most depleted in people aged 15-29 – the age where people are constantly trying to figure out who they are in this world. That is also the age group where the second most likely cause of death is suicide. The first being reckless driving.

Low self-esteem is the cause of people ignoring what they are truly interested in to pursue things that are generally more socially accepted. Low self-esteem is what makes people feel out of place when pursuing their natural interests. Low self-esteem is the cause of people studying and pursuing a career that they aren’t truly passionate about. Low self-esteem is what makes it possible for the following industries to exist: cosmetics, cosmetic surgery, gambling, prostitution, pornography and overpriced luxury items.

Low self-esteem makes girls say “I wasn’t born pretty enough which is why I spend an hour every day getting ready for school.”

Low self-esteem is what made Elliot Roger kill 6 people in the Isla Vista Shooting. “They wouldn’t sleep with me” he said. Low self-esteem is what caused the Columbine Shooters to rebel against “the jocks.”

Needless to say, self-esteem is America’s most depleted resource and if something is not done about it things will only get worse. This is why I chose school shootings. This is why I wrote the speechwriter. There is evidence that this is an issue but there is no guaranteed way to fix it. The best option I can see right now is the public education system. That is where self-esteem needs to be developed.

When I wrote my first novel, The Speechwriter, I tried to put myself in a tough position. As a man, I wrote in the the first person perspective of a woman. It wan’t easy and I don’t know if I did the greatest job, but it was fun. Especially the sex scene.

As a writer and as a person, I think it’s important to do challenging things like this. It’s the only way to grow. For me, in the three months it took me to write the novel and the three months of editing it, I constantly had to try and see things as I thought a woman would.

One thing I probably didn’t capture very well is the social pressures placed on women. By social pressure I mean the pressure to look a certain way, the pressure of some men’s sexual harassment tendencies and the general pressure that comes from a gender biased against woman. I ignored these because hopefully in the year 2020 they won’t exist.

Overall, I think I did alright. I mean, I grew up surrounded by a heck of a lot of sisters, so I hope that helped a bit. The main reason that I’m happy I wrote this novel as a woman is just the insight that it gave me. I’m glad that I spend a good chunk of time trying to think how a woman would. I think it opened my eyes and gave me a new way to look at things. I still use that today.

Looking back I think it’s had a positive impact on my life and I’d have to say, more than ever, I agree with Shania Twain "Man! I Feel Like a Woman."

Yes. I’m claiming that. Here is why. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines evolution as “a process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state: a process of gradual and relatively peaceful social, political, and economic advance.” When looking at this definition, the only component that we are more evolved in is the “more complex” part and I’m not sure that’s such a great thing. Below, I will dissect this definition with my opinions.

Before I tell you why I believe this, I’d like to tell you about how I came to this realization. Peter Theil, the founder of PayPal wrote a book called Zero to One. In his book, he asks the question “What important truth do very few people agree with you on?” This is my answer. I think it’s an important truth and that very few people will agree with me on it.

It’s clear to see why people might disagree with me on this truth but what makes it important? I believe this truth is important because acknowledging it and learning from this truth will help humans move forward from the narcissistic beings that we are.

Higher State
So, back to the definition. Who is in a lower state and who is in a higher state? I say trees are in a higher state than humans. What I mean is this: the average human being spends 44 hours a week doing something they hate in order to sustain themselves. I mean, we have to work jobs to be able to afford shelter and food. Trees are their own shelter and they don’t do any work to get their food (oxygen, sun, carbon and water) except for grow closer to the sun. And by sustaining themselves, trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen (which is useful) whereas humans do the opposite. Point proven. They are in a higher state.

Complexity
As for complexity, humans have won. But complexity is not something you want to win at. Winning the complexity competition is like winning the IG Nobel Prize (the equivalent of a Nobel Prize but for insignificant accomplishments). Do you know someone that makes really simple things complex? You know him. He’s the guy who takes a two-step process and turns it into a for hour journey? Instead of taking the stairs, he’ll just scale the wall up to the 20th floor. I mean, this is basically any person who works in finance. Complexity is not a great thing to have. Trees are simple, humans are complicated species.

Worse or Better State
The third part of this definition is asking who is in a worse state and who is in a better one. I have to go with trees on this one. How many trees have diabetes, depression, mental illness, cancer or self-esteem issues? Not many that I know of. Are trees racist or sexist? No. And what is their average life-span? Well over 100. Trees live in a better state than humans.

Social, Political & Economic Advancement
The last section of out definition is “a process of gradual and relatively peaceful social, political, and economic advance.” Do I even have to explain this part? Relatively peaceful? Trees win. Relative political advance? This cannot apply to trees because they evolved past politics. Relative economic advance? It’s every tree for itself. It’s a total free-market. Ayn Rand would be proud.

If you still disagree with my point of view, that’s ok, it’s just your over-complicated brain talking. If you still disagree with me – that proves that trees have won. If you can accept this fact – the fact that humans are not as great as we make ourselves out to be – then you’ve learned all you need to from trees and you’ve started the progress of evolving our species one step closer to what it could be.

In life we trust,

P.S. Body builders… You think you’re more evolved than trees? Think again. They don’t work out and they don’t do steroids or any supplement for that matter and they have no problem building muscle. You know the saying “he’s got tree trunk legs?”