Todd R. Reed's Blog

In my last blog, I gave tips on how to initiate tough conversations with others—whether they be friends, significant others, coworkers or people you manage. But what about when the shoe’s on the other foot? As the saying goes, it’s often far easier to dish it out than it is to take it.

So, how should you respond when you are on the receiving end of a tough conversation? Here’s what I recommend:

• Watch your body language. You may not like what you’re hearing, but try to stay calm and show you’re listening. This means maintaining eye contact and avoiding closed body language, like crossing your arms.

• Don’t play defense. Take what’s being said to you as constructive criticism and a way for you to be a better employee, manager, friend or spouse. Unless there are valid reasons to do so, avoid trying to justify behaviors that the person who’s talking to you finds unacceptable, and instead of blaming others, take responsibility for your actions and verbally commit to improving.

• Make sure you understand the problem. When the discussion is over, ask questions and then rephrase the issue: “As I understand it, you are concerned about…and you would like me to (state solution). Is that correct?”

• Ask for a checkup. Request a follow-up meeting to discuss progress or improvement. This offers proof that you’re a team player and value the speaker’s input and feedback.

We’ve all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, client, friend or significant other about some type of sticky situation. We assume the encounter will be uncomfortable, so we often put it off in hopes the problem will: (a) go away or (b) somehow take care of itself. Or, we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer delay the inevitable and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Maybe we feel we deserve a raise or promotion at work but can’t bring ourselves to ask for it. Maybe we have to reprimand an employee we’re fond of or need to confront a coworker who took credit for our idea. Or, maybe we’re struggling to find a way to motivate our significant other to change an annoying behavior.

How to have tough conversations with anyone—and with less stress and more success? And what’s the best way to handle conflict, which is inevitable in any relationship? Keep reading…

“I Don’t Know How To Say This…”

Does anyone really look forward to having tough conversations? I know I don’t. For some, the task is almost unbearable. Stress levels rise, blood pressure goes up and the thought of what might go wrong or how badly feelings will be hurt is almost too much to handle. If all of this sounds familiar, you’re far from alone. According to a survey conducted by experts at Development Dimensions International, 20.4 percent of employees surveyed said they loathed having difficult conversations with their bosses more than:

(a) receiving a speeding ticket

(b) catching a cold

(c) paying taxes

(d) doing housework

(e) getting a credit card bill.

Initiating a tough conversation is never a fun thing to do, but it is often a necessary evil. The key to handling it successfully involves understanding the issue, then taking action to help solve the problem. Oh, and keep in mind that procrastinating doesn’t pay. In fact, if you can bite the bullet and force yourself to speak up before things get out of hand, you’ll definitely minimize the intensity of the talk.

Whether the tough conversation you need to have is with a boss, employee, coworker, friend, family member or significant other, follow these tips to keep your discussion productive and positive, regardless of your topic:

• Give a heads up.Avoid blindsiding someone you need to have a tough conversation with. Surprise is a tactic better left for war than building a team or strengthening a relationship with a coworker or loved one. And instead of saying, “We need to talk,” which tends to send most folks into panic mode, try less intimidating phrases like, “I’d like to get your opinion on…,” “I’d like to talk to you about…,” “I’d like to get your perspective regarding…” or “It’s really important to me if we could take a few minutes to talk about…” Finally, confront the person you need to have a tough conversation with privately instead of in front of others (coworkers, fellow team members, kids, in-laws, etc.). Otherwise, they’re certain to become defensive, and your conversation will have no chance at being constructive.

Important: If the tough conversation you need to have is with a colleague or coworker with whom you have a contentious relationship, you might not be the top choice to offer advice or feedback regarding their performance or job effectiveness. In cases like this, consider “delegating” the task to someone with whom the person has a more amicable relationship. That way, he/she will be much more receptive.

• Set the stage.You’ve heard the old adage that there’s a time and place for everything, and this is particularly true when discussing sensitive topics. Have your sit-down in a place that’s private, quiet and free of distractions—and if the conversation is happening at work, don’t initiate a dialogue when phones are ringing off the hook or important deadlines are looming. Make sure the person with whom you’re speaking isn’t tired, hungry or in a bad mood when you talk to him/her. As a rule of thumb, I’ve found the best time to have tough conversations is mid-morning. Delaying discussions until close to quitting time or sitting down to have a heart-to-heart talk with your significant other within minutes after you both get home from work probably isn’t a good idea.

• Watch where you sit. For one-on-one conversations—especially those with emotional potential—sitting in opposite-facing positions creates a feeling of confrontation. Sitting across a table or desk adds even more of a barrier to the conversation and can increase tension, plus make the person you’re talking to feel insecure and defensive. If possible, try to sit at a diagonal angle of about 45 degrees, as this sets a more friendly, equitable tone. Be mindful not to place chairs so close together that personal space feels invaded, but don’t sit too far apart, either. The goal is to build feelings of cooperation and trust.

• Try to start and end with a quick compliment. This is a great way to frame your talk and lets the other person know this isn’t an inquisition and that you’re not just focused on discussing negative behavior or performance. Find something positive to say about them from the get go, as this will make them more receptive to hearing what you have to say. Try to end your conversation on a positive note, too, so the person won’t walk away feeling like a failure.



I once had to initiate a tough conversation with Jason, an employee I managed. He was one of my favorites, and his customer service work was exemplary, but his sales process needed to be fine-tuned. He was great at telling the company story to potential customers, but he had a tendency to delve so deeply into that part of his presentation, that it often took too long for him to get to the pitch—which frequently resulted in losing the sale. I initiated my conversation with Jason by complimenting him on his ability to connect with customers and provide top-notch customer service. That enabled him to relax, making it easier for me to address the issue of him needing to tighten up his sales presentation. Once he understood that taking those steps would ultimately result in increased sales—and more commission for him—he was eager to fine-tune his presentation. I wrapped our conversation up with another compliment—telling him that, given his product knowledge and his knack for connecting with clients, this challenge would be a relatively easy transition for him to make. He agreed.

• But get to the point. To avoid making tough conversations even more tense, skip the small talk. Beating around the bush just doesn’t work when you’re attempting to alter behavior or change routines. So, be honest and direct by stating—then describing—what’s on your mind, what’s bugging you, or simply what you’d like to see changed. Then ask for what you want. Having a discussion is great, but at some point you need to communicate exactly what it is that you’re asking the person to do. Is it being more punctual? Is it spending more time with the kids? Is it being more attentive to you? Spell it out.

• Check your delivery. In your eagerness to get the conversation out of the way, be careful about how you sound. Does your voice have an edge to it, or does it carry a demanding tone that could make your listener feel defensive? If need be, take a deep breath before delivering your message, then do it in a calm, non threatening manner.

• Look the person in the eye. Granted, this can be challenging to pull off when you’re having a tough conversation with someone, but making eye contact not only communicates sincerity, it’s also critical to keeping you both focused on the conversation. Looking the other person in the eye will also enable you to read his/her body language, which can provide you with valuable clues about how the discussion is going.

• Listen for feedback. This is where you take everything you learned in Chapter Four and put it to work for you. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues the other person is giving off and use what you’re “hearing” to determine how to proceed with the conversation. If they’re becoming agitated or consistently more vocal, it may be time to take a short break or schedule your discussion to continue at another time.

• Don’t make it personal. Keep the conversation focused on behaviors or habits you want to change, not the individual’s character. This way, you’re more likely to get the person to buy into your suggestions—and you’re far more likely to see positive results. Remember, feedback is not about insulting someone; it’s about telling him or her how to improve and excel. For example, you would never say to an employee you supervise, “Hiring you was a big mistake.” Instead, you would say, “You’ve been making quite a few mistakes that we need to work on.” Don’t speak “at” or “down” to the person, as this signals a lack of respect. Besides, nobody enjoys being humiliated, feeling stupid or thinking that they’re being treated like a child.

• Take a “we’re in this together” approach. Ask questions like, “What do you think we can do to solve this problem?” or “How can we work together to improve this situation?” It’s always beneficial to make the individual feel like you’re tackling a problem together. This will also help strengthen your bond and likely result in the person making the desired changes more quickly, since it will feel like they have someone supporting their efforts.

• Use gentle humor when appropriate. Depending on the severity of the discussion, you may find a window of opportunity to interject some humor. If it feels right (and be cautious here) to toss in a little humor with your message, this can be a powerful tool that lightens the mood of the conversation. Studies show that when used appropriately, humor won’t diminish the seriousness of the feedback you’re giving. In fact, it can actually help the person on the receiving end open up and take in what you’re saying without feeling so defensive. It’s important to know the person fairly well before applying this technique, however, as the last thing you want is for them to think the situation is a joke to you.

• Wrap things up with a question. Once you’ve delivered your message, expressed your concerns and discussed moving forward, ask the person you’re addressing if he/she has any questions or ideas on how to carry out the new goals you’ve set. So often people resist change because they just don’t think they’re being heard. This is where “listening” plays a huge role. Hearing the other person out gives him/her a chance to vent and release pent-up emotions and frustrations.

 

With Easter just around the corner, I thought it might be fun to tell the real story of the tortoise and the hare…at least in terms of how this analogy applies to relationships. Aside from the crazy monkey sex that typically involves a reunion or follows an involuntary dry spell, that let’s-rip-off-each-other’s-clothes, must-have you-right-now romp in the hay is all too rare in most long-term relationships.

Scientists say there’s a good reason for that. Basically, when it comes to making love, women tend to be like turtles, while men are more like rabbits. Indeed, research reveals that it takes a guy about three seconds to be interested in and ready for sex. Women, on the other hand, typically need about 15-20 minutes.

So, the trick to having off-the-hook sex lies in figuring out…

HOW TO SLOW HIM DOWN:

Give him a massage. Start at the tips of his toes and slowly work your way up to his neck, shoulders, and head (bypassing his middle). Mix kneading and tickling with soft kisses. When done, tell him it’s his turn to do the same to you.
Put on a fashion show. Bust out your sexiest lingerie and see which outfit he prefers to peel off you.
Set a timer and start talking naughty. Make him wait 15 minutes while you tell him what you plan to do to him. Touching and kissing totally allowed—but only above the neck.

HOW TO SPEED HER UP:

Sext her during the day. Or shoot her a quick email saying something like, “I’m having trouble focusing at work. I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
Tell her she’s hot – and why. Fill her emotional tank with words and phrases she’s craving to hear. Tell her what about her turns you on and how much she means to you. For extra effect, whisper these words in her ear.
Think fine dining experience. Don’t rush through the salad so you can get to the main dish. Take your time to enjoy an appetizer or a sip of wine, and slowly work up to the main course. If you focus on tasting—and savoring—every bite, a sinfully delicious dessert is yours for the taking.

Have a great Easter everyone

-Coach Todd

 

 

St. Patrick’s Day is upon us, and I hope the “Luck of the Irish” is with you as we round out the first quarter of 2014.  Thousands of gallons of green beer will be consumed this week, and millions will don green garments to celebrate the occasion.  But as a Certified Communication and Relationship Coach, I wanted to grab this opportunity to discuss the “dark” side of “going green.”

I’m talking about jealousy here—an emotion that sends a whopping one-third of couples to counseling—and a major hot button for both men and women. It’s a no-brainer that jealousy breeds insecurity, and insecurity can rattle the foundation of any loving relationship. Here are my thoughts on this topic, along with tips on how to tame the green-eyed monster and keep it from sabotaging your relationship…

The real reasons behind your man’s wandering eye—and why you shouldn’t get upset or feel threatened by it (he can’t help it…honestly!).

Ladies, have you ever caught your significant other engaging in what I call “window shopping?”  Say you’re out together in public and see him turn his head when an attractive woman walks by. For many women, the standard practice is to immediately confront their other half and make him feel as though he has just committed a crime.  Often, this is followed by some snide remarks about the woman being admired:  “She looks like a slut,” “Those boobs are fake you know,” or “I guarantee you she bleaches her hair.” The comments may vary, but the intent is the same: to make your significant other feel like he’s done something wrong.

I disagree!  Trust me, he’s just being a man and responding to a visual object that caught his eye.

Just because men look at other women, it doesn’t mean they want to hook up with them!  And it’s not meant to be disrespectful to you! By genetic code, guys simply react to visual stimuli, and when we see something we like visually, we look. Have you ever gotten on your partner’s case for looking at a cool car that just drove by?  I didn’t think so.

When the green-eyed monster takes hold, it’s so easy to forget that your significant other is with you because he loves you.  The sexy, beautiful, or classy woman he just admired can’t even begin to compete with the bond you’ve already established with your man. The emotional connection you have with your partner is far deeper than a quick look directed towards another woman. Remember, your man is with you because he loves you. 

It’s not just a guy thing! Women check out other guys, too, but here’s why/how they can get away with it.

Almost every man has been accused at some time or another of ogling the opposite sex, but few women receive the same complaint from men. Why is that? Researchers report that women look at men’s bodies as much as, and sometimes more than, men look at women’s. Yet, because women have peripheral vision capabilities that are far superior to men’s, they rarely get caught!

When the shoe’s on the other foot and another man is checking out your partner.

Guys, just as you check out other women, don’t be surprised if you see other men giving your partner the once over. When you find yourself in this situation, how do you typically react? Instead of feeling threatened or jealous, I say you should be proud that others find your significant other attractive.

Keep in mind that women are so used to being pursued by men, and they have the amazing ability to block out their surroundings—to the point that they are often oblivious to guys admiring them.  And once a woman does notice she’s being observed, she’ll almost always turn to her partner and show him some type of affection.

Bask in it! And don’t forget that while women do enjoy having some attention paid to them, it’s the emotional connection they have with their partner that really touches them.  Women want to reassure their significant others that they love them and only want to be with them.

Story Time: Taming the Green-Eyed Monster in ways that will cement your relationship

Ladies First: Let me share a personal story with you. My significant other and I were out in public one afternoon, walking side-by-side, when a super sexy woman approached.  Without consciously thinking about it, I noticed her. I was trying to be cool and not let my lady see that I was checking the other woman out. As most guys do, I looked at her for a few seconds and then immediately looked away as if I had never seen her. And as most guys do, I repeated this process a few more times before the attractive female passed by.

I was blown away by what happened next.  Instead of feeling a shot to my ribs, or hearing, “What the hell are looking at?” my significant other remarked, “That woman was very attractive, wasn’t she?”  My jaw almost hit the ground, and I replied, “What did you say?” “That woman was attractive, don’t you think?” she repeated.

What happened next was so amazing to me.  In a split second, I had already forgotten the woman I’d admired, and my attention was instantly focused back on my partner.  Not only was my focus back where it should have been, but I found myself wanting to hug my lady, grab her hand, and give her a big kiss!  Did she really think that the woman I’d been checking out was attractive? I have no clue. What I can tell you is that because she didn’t make me feel like a criminal, and I was able to just be a man and do a little “window shopping,” I wanted to immediately find a place to make love to her.  All of my energy had been transferred from the unknown woman back to my significant other in a matter of seconds—and I felt closer than ever to her.

A quick sidebar note of caution for guys: Noticing attractive women that cross your path is fine. But staring for long periods of time, and mentally “undressing” and/or “making love” to them is not okay!

Ladies, your man is going to look at other women whether you’re with him or not.  Acknowledge it, draw attention to it, and see how fast your man shifts his focus back to you.  If he doesn’t, it may be a sign that some walls are blocking the connection between the two of you. But if he does, as he should, watch out. You may want to prepare yourself for some passion!

And Now a Heads Up for Guys: A couple of years ago, Sam came to me looking for help with a major jealousy problem he was having. His wife, Melissa, was a high-level executive who had to attend a lot of social events as part of her job, and Sam often joined her. When Melissa schmoozed with other men in the room, Sam’s jealousy would flare up— especially when they appeared engaged in a deep conversation with his wife and would stand too close to Melissa, or would lightly touch her arm.  By the end of each event, Sam would be in a terrible mood, and the two would often fight.

Once Sam was able to explain to his wife how vulnerable he felt at these events, I helped the two of them come up with a special “game” they could play that would put a positive spin on Sam’s jealousy.  Now, whenever Sam and Melissa are mingling and speaking to other people at social functions, both take the time to make frequent eye contact with each other from across the room. And whenever they find themselves passing or standing fairly close to each other, they make a point of touching…a brush on the arm or a quick hand squeeze. This reassures Sam that no matter who Melissa is talking to, Sam knows who she’s going home with. Using this strategy has not only helped Sam overcome his feelings of jealousy, the couple has discovered that their flirtatious behavior at social events always makes them eager to get home!

Above all, remember this

Of course, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re feeling jealous, you should tell your mate why you’re feeling the way you are—and this holds true for both men and women. Talk about the situation, then reinforce your feelings for each other by reassuring your partner how much you love him or her, and how handsome/beautiful/hot/sexy you think he or she is. That way, you turn a potentially volatile situation into something you can both feel good about.

I wish all you couples a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and may you always consider your relationship a “pot of gold” at the end of a beautiful rainbow!

- Coach Todd

Quick question: When it comes to day-to-day conversations with others—whether it be at work or at home—would you consider yourself to be a positive communicator?

Most people immediately answer “yes” to this question, and yet, research disagrees.

Studies show that our typical vocabulary has more negative words than positive words and that we seem to spend more time telling people what they can’t do versus what they can do. In fact, children between the ages of six months to three years hear “no” in relation to “yes” in an 80/20 ratio!

Using positive communication offers a slew of benefits:

Your mood will improve
You’ll get along better with friends, family, coworkers, people you manage, and even your boss
Your productivity will increase
Your successes will soar, especially if you’re in sales

How to focus on being a more positive communicator? A lot of achieving this centers around your vocabulary. Studies show that there are words that cause negative reactions, and there are positive words that can help set the tone for a productive and successful conversation.

Here are some positive words that you should focus on using more:

 Yes • Good • Excellent • Better • Best  Progress • Success • Can & Can-do • Option • Choice • Could • Would • Improved • Enhanced • Possible • Able

And what words should you try to avoid? In an effort to incorporate more positive words in your communication style, add these communication “killerS” to your hit list:

 Can’t • Won’t • Regret • Unfortunately • Don’t • Fail • Deny • Decline • Reject • Impossible • Unable • Difficulty • No • Worst • Should • Inconvenience

Focus on being a more positive communicator, and I promise that you will see positive changes occur in your life—almost instantaneously!

Cheers!

-Coach Todd

 

In case you’re not paying close enough attention to the calendar, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I get it, the holidays and New Year’s seemed like they were just yesterday, but have you started thinking about what you’re going to do for that “special person” in your life? Don’t tell me that you’re going to wait until the last minute, and then throw together a last-second plan that looks like you took about 45 seconds to throw it all together.

Guys, remember what I’ve told you in the past: It’s not always about how much money you spend. Flowers, jewelry and romantic dinners at expensive restaurants are nice but don’t forget to add the personal touch. That’s what earns you the major bonus points and opens women’s emotional floodgates. I’ve said it before, women love gifts (as do we), but what they love even more is the thought, time, process, planning and execution of how you deliver those gifts. Every woman is different, and you know her better than I or anyone else does, so I encourage you to use your knowledge and brainpower to plan a special day. Cards, flowers, chocolate, necklaces, bracelets, and dinners will all work, but ask yourself this, “How can I make it even more personal?” Cards are written by professionals, but how about the note you include inside the card expressing your love and saying how much that person means to you? Or how about a self-made coupon inviting her to a romantic dinner at your “special restaurant?” If you decide to buy her something special, don’t just wrap it up and give it to her. Buy a spool of string and trail it around the house or bedroom (make her work a little for it), and when she gets to the end, she’ll find her present, along with some flowers. Roses are great but I’ve seen many a bouquet that looks and smells equally amazing but doesn’t carry the high price tag.

Are you looking for a bigger idea? How about this: Call her boss and arrange for her to have the day off from work, but don’t tell her. Then when she wakes up that morning, surprise her with the news and then give her an itinerary of what you’ve planned to do with her that day. I’m assuming you’ll hint at the possibility of seducing her and pampering her. The main point here is to relay the fact that Cupid is on his way, and you need to not only be ready, but you need to figure out how you’re going to add your personal touch to a very personal day.

Ladies, we all know that Valentine’s Day is traditionally more about you, but don’t be afraid to take the bull by the horns. Men, contrary to popular belief, enjoy knowing that they’re special and appreciated as well. As I’ve challenged the men to put their personal touch on “Cupid’s Day,” I want to express the same sentiment to you. Nobody knows your man like you do— what he likes, what he wants, and more importantly, what makes him feel special. So what can you do to ensure a successful day? Nothing beats “home cooking,” so how about preparing his favorite home cooked meal for just the two of you?

Or, if you happen to go out for a romantic dinner, continue the theme when you get home and offer him a “spa night” at home. Some inexpensive massage oil, along with some candles and soft music should do the trick. I can only assume that some sensual touching will lead to other things, and we all know what I’m talking about. If all else slips your mind, you can always default to simply seducing him. Dress up for dinner, go shopping for something new, or put something sexy on under what you’re wearing. Tease him at dinner by telling him what you’ve got on underneath your clothes or what you’re planning to put on once you get home. Build the passion and reward him for being the love of your life.

The most important thing is to have fun on Valentine’s Day and share in the celebration. The more planning and effort you both put into it, the more joy, happiness, and satisfaction you’ll get out of the day. No matter what you decide and what you plan to do, my hope and wish and that Valentine’s Day allows you to celebrate the love you share and to take time out and connect with the most important person in your life.

-Coach Todd

Randi Zuckerberg has a new book out—actually, two new books on the same topic: unplugging from the high-tech world we live in. The first, Dot Complicated: Untangling Our Wired Lives, is for adults; the second, Dot, is geared to children.

It’s ironic that these books would come from Zuckerberg, who is a former marketing executive for Facebook and whose brother, Mark, was a cofounder of this madly popular social media site. But I salute Zuckerberg…and echo her sentiments.

In my new book, Revolutionize Your Relationships: Communication Secrets on How to Succeed at Work and at Home, I discuss the many ways modern technology has affected how we communicate both at home and at work. With so many high-tech gadgets at our fingertips, the demands on our time and attention only seem to multiply—not to mention the impact these devices have on our relationships.

Screen Time vs. Face Time

Not surprisingly, research reveals that many of us spend more time texting, emailing, chatting on Facebook and instant messaging each other than we do actually talking to one another. In fact, according to the most recent data, Americans send/receive over 184 billion text messages each month! Think about what happens every time you receive a text message. Not only does it interrupt your brain function and attention, it directs your focus away from the people or tasks you’re experiencing at the moment.

This is not to say that high-tech devices don’t come in handy…I use them all the time. But the more people rely on technology to communicate, the more they start to drift apart. In other words, if we’re not careful, these devices can quickly rob us of meaningful dialogue and face-to-face communication.

I recently received coached a couple that asked me to help them restore the communication and the connectivity in their marriage. Life, work, the kids and technology had played a role in eroding the foundation of their relationship. I helped them create a schedule that allowed them to get back to communicating the “old-fashioned” way. The end result was that, as a couple and a family, they quickly began to grow closer and started having way more fun.

Of course, many of us choose to remain plugged in at home—texting, tweeting, checking out Facebook statuses, chatting online and playing games with friends on our smart phones. But being always connected can take a huge toll on our relationships by robbing us of the personal communication that bonds us to others.

Remember, every time you turn an electronic device, you’re likely tuning out someone you care about. For this reason, I urge all of you to try and spend two to three hours each day unplugged from technology and plugged into the people in your life who are important to you.

The end result will be amazingly rewarding, I promise!

- Coach Todd Reed, CPC

Last week on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Carlton Gebbia and her husband visited the Hustler store for some sexy lingerie and bedroom gear for the ���playroom��� she���s creating in her gothic mansion.�� ���I want a room in the house where I can lock the door and have completely no inhibitions,’ she revealed.���

Paging Christian Grey!

���I like to play. I like to experiment. I like adult toys,��� she admitted on the show. ���David does not know yet what he’s in for. He’s a lucky man!���

I agree. Some female fans of this show may have cringed at Carlton���s openness, but the fact is, when it comes to turning up the heat in her marriage, she is on the right track. And in my first book, Conversation is Sexy, I argue that lingerie is sexy, seductive, erotic and great for everyone���s self esteem. Here���s a recap…

For men, sexy lingerie is like ���unwrapping��� a present. We know that removing that wrapping and being able to play with what���s underneath will make us happy and satisfied. But guess what? Lingerie can put a skip in her step, too! For women, wearing something slinky and sexy is a major confidence booster. When she looks sexy, she feels sexy, and she becomes sexy���often shedding inhibitions and unleashing passions she may otherwise feel timid about.

Lingerie is also a win-win for your relationship. Men, being men, are fascinated by visuals and instantly create powerfully stimulating images in their mind when they see their significant other wearing something lacy or racy. Women, on the other hand, love with their brain and crave an emotional connection. They want to be assured that their mate finds them desirable and sexy. Well, watching their partner salivate over what they���re wearing can certainly do the trick. So, with lingerie, both men and women get what they need for great sex and a deeper emotional connection.

Victoria���s Secret hasn���t become a multi-million dollar company just because women need to wear bras and underwear.�� It���s all about the sizzle of sex, and I hope that every couple interested in keeping their relationship honeymoon hot will embrace this concept.

It doesn���t matter whether your comfort level is a simple teddy with spaghetti straps, a corset, a garter belt and a pair of stockings, or thigh-high riding boots. It���s up to you and your spouse to talk about what kick-starts your love life.�� The bottom line is, lingerie (and anything else you want to add to the mix) sends the message to your spouse that its time to connect and spend some quality time together.

Have fun!

-Coach Todd Reed, CPC

Last week on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Carlton Gebbia and her husband visited the Hustler store for some sexy lingerie and bedroom gear for the “playroom” she’s creating in her gothic mansion.  “I want a room in the house where I can lock the door and have completely no inhibitions,’ she revealed.”

Paging Christian Grey!

“I like to play. I like to experiment. I like adult toys,” she admitted on the show. “David does not know yet what he’s in for. He’s a lucky man!”

I agree. Some female fans of this show may have cringed at Carlton’s openness, but the fact is, when it comes to turning up the heat in her marriage, she is on the right track. And in my first book, Conversation is Sexy, I argue that lingerie is sexy, seductive, erotic and great for everyone’s self esteem. Here’s a recap…

For men, sexy lingerie is like “unwrapping” a present. We know that removing that wrapping and being able to play with what’s underneath will make us happy and satisfied. But guess what? Lingerie can put a skip in her step, too! For women, wearing something slinky and sexy is a major confidence booster. When she looks sexy, she feels sexy, and she becomes sexy—often shedding inhibitions and unleashing passions she may otherwise feel timid about.

Lingerie is also a win-win for your relationship. Men, being men, are fascinated by visuals and instantly create powerfully stimulating images in their mind when they see their significant other wearing something lacy or racy. Women, on the other hand, love with their brain and crave an emotional connection. They want to be assured that their mate finds them desirable and sexy. Well, watching their partner salivate over what they’re wearing can certainly do the trick. So, with lingerie, both men and women get what they need for great sex and a deeper emotional connection.

Victoria’s Secret hasn’t become a multi-million dollar company just because women need to wear bras and underwear.  It’s all about the sizzle of sex, and I hope that every couple interested in keeping their relationship honeymoon hot will embrace this concept.

It doesn’t matter whether your comfort level is a simple teddy with spaghetti straps, a corset, a garter belt and a pair of stockings, or thigh-high riding boots. It’s up to you and your spouse to talk about what kick-starts your love life.  The bottom line is, lingerie (and anything else you want to add to the mix) sends the message to your spouse that its time to connect and spend some quality time together.

Have fun!

-Coach Todd Reed, CPC

We’re on the brink of a new year, and for a number of us that means it’s time to mentally wipe the board of life clear and enter 2014 with a fresh and optimistic attitude. A new year not only offers us the chance to pat ourselves on the back for all the good things going on in our lives, it allows us to make resolutions about what we want to change. Losing weight, making more money, having more free time, paying off bills or taking a really cool vacation are often a few areas we focus on. Truth is, by the end of January or February, most of us have already forgotten our New Year’s resolutions, and we’ve fallen right back into our same old routines—or even worse—our same thought processes.

Are you ready to make a New Year’s Resolution that you can stick to and that will also have a huge impact in your life? I think I heard a “YES” out there. Awesome! I’m going to ask you to resolve to make one or two simple and easy changes in how you operate within your relationship. To get started, go buy yourself an expensive calendar (or you may already have one lying around), and park it somewhere where you can see it everyday.

Guys, take 10 minutes and on each Saturday, simply write the word “Dance”.  Then each Saturday resolve to put on some music and take 5 minutes to dance with the love of your life.  Sounds pretty easy, and it is. Not only is easy, it won’t take much time—but trust me, the impact will be immediate.

Ladies, pick a day on your calendar and write “Neck Rub” on that day for each week.  Be consistent, and on the day of your choice, invite your man to sit down, close his eyes and give him a five-minute neck rub. How does that old saying go: “A little attention goes a long way?” Nothing says, “I love you” like a little personal, undivided attention.

Note: You don’t have to dance or give neck rubs….but do write down something fun to do each week with your significant other. Feel free to be creative, and switch things up every few weeks if you want. Loving rituals and routines can go a long way in super gluing your relationship, but mixing things up can also keep the sparks flying.

By all means, work on your next promotion or career move, keep trying to eat better and exercise more, but above all, please resolve to commit just a few more minutes a week to the one you love most and show him/her how special they really are to you.

Happy New Year everybody!

- Coach Todd Reed, CPC