Tracey Ward

“Yeah, alright."
Anything to end this conversation about her father's breast.”
― Tracey Ward

“Merry Christmas.” he says quietly, pulling something from his back pocket.
I frown in confusion then smile in delight when I see what it is. It’s a shiny, sharp trowel with a holly green handle. It’s stolen from the gardens for sure. It is the single greatest gift I’ve ever received.
“It’s so pretty.” I whisper happily, turning it over to test its edge.
“I promised you something shiny.”
“And you delivered.” I press my finger against the tip then pull it back quickly. “It’s sharp.”
“Why else have it, right? Keep it with you when you can. If something goes down while I’m gone I want to know you have it.”
I nod my head as I slip it into my back pocket. The handle sticks up but the point is hidden.
When I look up at Vin my heart skips. His eyes are sharp, intense.
“Come with me.” he commands quietly.
“No.” I reply immediately.
I was waiting for this. From the moment he woke me up, the second I saw his eyes, I knew. And just as quickly as I recognized it, I knew what my answer would be.
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You know I’m not coming back here. Not for you, not for anyone.”
“Maybe not, but if I go with you then you definitely won’t.”
“It’s not going to work, Joss.” he tells me seriously. “The Hive won’t bite. They don’t want to rock the boat with the Colonies and the pot isn’t sweet enough to convince them to try. They’ll pass and everyone here is going to either stay here forever or die in a revolt.”
“Nats included.” I remind him coolly.
“She’s a big girl. She knows how it really is. She can yell at me all she wants, but she knows just as well as I do that no one will come here to help.”
“Especially if you don’t ask.”
“What the hell do you want from me?” he whispers fiercely. “You want me to go out there and rally the troops, bring them back here riding on a tall white horse and save the day? I’m no hero. I never have been. It’s how I’ve stayed alive.”
“It’s also a great way to stay alone. And if you do this, if you go and pretend we don’t exist, then I’ll pretend I never knew you. Nats will too, I’m sure. You’ll be nothing to no one and won’t that make life easier for you? So go on and go, you coward, and don’t ever look back because there’s nothing to look back on. You were never even here far as I’m concerned.”
I turn to leave him standing there in the cold beside the words I wrote to Ryan, words that have gone unnoticed and feel like nothing in the night. I’m spun around roughly and pinned against Vin’s chest. His breath is coming even and hard, sharp inhales and exhales that burst against my face leaving my skin freezing in their absence.
“Don’t turn your back on me.” he growls.
I can see the enforcer in him now. The hard ass who lived on the outside by the skin of his teeth and grit under his knuckles. It’s something I understand, something I can respect. Something I can relate to.
I lean closer, no longer being pulled but rather pushing against him until our faces almost touch.
“No, don’t you turn your back on me. On us.” I whisper harshly, pushing at him aggressively. He lets me go and I stumble back from him.
“I’m no hero.” he repeats.
“How do you know until you’ve tried?”
* * *
“You’ll come back for us, Vin.” I whisper in his ear. “I know you will.”
I know no such thing, but I want it to be true and I can tell he does too so I tell him that it is. I lie to us both and I hope it makes it real.
Vin nods his head beside mine and buries his face in my shoulder. I do the same. We stand huddled together against the cold and the uncertainty of everything tomorrow will bring.”
― Tracey Ward