Molly Carroll's Blog

A couple of weeks ago I was in the hospital visiting a friend who is paralyzed and needed surgery to be more comfortable. Talking with him I realized that one of the greatest beauties in life is in when we connect with another human being. Connect around our emotions, stories, heartaches and hilarious realities. Sitting on the hospital bed I had an awakening of sorts and a deep realization that my writing is one of my greatest entries to connect not only to myself but hopefully to help others feel not so alone in all their stories. In this awakening, I also painfully realized I have been avoiding writing for the past six to eight months. Even though on a weekly basis I am asked, “Are you writing a new book?” Or told, “I haven’t seen a post from you in a while.” I take this as a compliment, but also need to be honest with myself around why I have been in a writing paralysis avoiding putting words onto the computer screen. Even though I know deeply that writing is something that I love and is my way to communicate my thoughts and feelings as a writer and a human being in hopes to help others feel not so alone in their triumphs and tragedies. So why have I been avoiding writing? I have given myself loads of reasons of why I have not written, “Molly you have been working so much, you are running a coaching program, working with companies, and taking care of your children and family.” Or “You don’t have time, you are barely making it to your bed at night, who has time to write.” Or when I get up at 5 am instead of writing I blindly tell myself, “You need to check your emails and answer texts for the day.”But when I sit quietly with myself, I realize the underbelly of truth is that I didn’t want to feel or be honest with my life. I didn’t want to have to go inside where my depth and demons live, where my shadows and soul reside. No, I wanted to make a cup of coffee, go into my world of technology and work and not feel. Because writing creates space for me be really honest around where I am in my life, and deeply vulnerable to you all and this has scared the shit out of me lately. I would rather keep running around in my external world than stop, and go inside to my internal world to process, and then express what is really going on in order to relate to others. Do any of my words resonate with you? Do you ever find yourself running around because you do not want to stop and feel your emotions or be quiet to hear your whispering voice of truth? Do you find yourself numbing with food, wine, Netflix, signing up for things at your kids’ school or staying late at work because you don’t want to face your truth of being lonely or lost? Or do you ever find yourself wasting hours answering emails, texts or being on social media because witnessing someone else’s life is so much easier than living your own life? Well, you are not alone. I think we all find ways to avoid being with ourselves because when we do come home to our own soul it is like opening a wound of our life that is sometimes to uncomfortable to touch. But from where I sit today, forcing myself to write, I want to encourage you that it is worth all the discomfort to discover your truth. Being vulnerable in all your successes and losses will bring you a deeper connection to your family and friends. Being conscious about the fact that you are numbing with too much with sugar, wine, or shopping will help you change unhealthy habits to be more whole in your body and soul. Being honest that you are avoiding seeing certain people because you know they will intimately ask you, “how are you?” will only help you face your fears versus running from yourself. It is about facing the reality of your life in all its beauty and brutal truth. It is about waking up with a set of clear eyes and an open heart to live with compassion for yourself and others.So, I ask you to ponder these questions today:1. What are you avoiding right now because it is going to make you be honest about your life?2. What in life makes you feel more alive and less alone?3. What 3 action steps can you take today to connect to another human being with heart and compassion. My wish for you is to not only ponder on these questions but to write and take the action steps necessary to answer them and make changes to live by. To not avoid, numb, hide or resist all the beauties in life that may scare you but ultimately wake you up to your truth, your life. It is not only my wish for you but the words I needed to write today. Thank you, dear friend, for allowing me to sit with you in a hospital room to move from my own mental, spiritual and physical writing paralysis to a place of facing the truth that writing is what brings me so much closer to me.

“Home is where I want to bebut I guess I am already thereI come home you lifted up your wingsI guess this must be the place”David ByrneIf you have been reading my blog these past five months you know that I have not felt at “home” in my life. Oh no, I have been lost, confused, lonely, and really scared. I listened to my intuition to quit my private therapy practice to step into the abyss having no idea where I was going to land. Let me tell you, there were many nights where I was cursing and yelling at my intuition for leading me into a forest where I saw no clear direction on how to get out. But with time, patience, and support from my friends and family and quite honestly doing my own “work” I am starting to find my home.What I mean by “work,” is going inside to really look at the people and situations that trigger you. Then noticing how these triggers holds you back from being yourself and finding your authentic voice. Doing work involves looking deep into your fears and asking yourself questions like why am I afraid to be myself? What is inhibiting me from following my passions in life? Where am I hiding in order to stay safe? What am I not saying or doing because I am afraid that I will not be liked or loved? Let me tell you diving into this inquiry process is no party. But by looking deeper inside you learn how to heal past wounds that may be yours or from your family of origin, you choose to not infect all your toxic stuff upon all those who you love, and you will step into being more clear, grounded, and at ease. When you do your work and become a witness to how your mind, actions, and behaviors are affecting your life you will discover that the comforts of home are all inside of you.Knowing this life lesson, I did my “work,” I wrote, I went to therapy, I prayed, I attended spiritual gatherings, I went to mass, I cried and was quiet, really quiet, in order to take time to be in this uncomfortable ambiguous place. Anyone who knows me knows this was torture because I love to stay busy, but I needed to stop and really listen. I needed to feel everything that was going on in my body, mind, and spirit in order to authentically step into my next adventure. And what I heard and witnessed was a voice saying, “Go back home, and return to the place that you know to be true to your heart.” It was this voice that led me to travel last week to San Francisco.San Francisco was a place I called home from 1999-2006. I moved to this city by the bay with my Italian boyfriend thinking I was going to live there for only three months; it was supposed to be a shortstop between leaving Barcelona and moving to Paris but ended up becoming my home for eight wonderful years. A home where my personal and professional life took as many twists and turns as the famously crooked Lombard Street. It was a time in my life where my heart got dramatically broken but also where I magically met and married my husband and had my first child. Even though my life was twisting and turning unbeknownst to me it was heading in the right direction.Last week I was reminded of all these life-changing memories as I ran along the San Francisco Bay towards the Golden Gate Bridge. David Byrne words rang in my ears “I come home you lifted up your wings,” because San Francisco is a place that I like to call one of my “soul homes.” We all have these places in the world that we call our “soul homes.” It does not matter if you spend every summer there as I do in Okoboji, Iowa, visit once as I did with India, or come one or two times a year as I do with San Francisco they are your “soul homes” because the moment you land on their soil inside you have a feeling inside of comfort, peace, excitement, and being fully alive. It is not necessarily the location, but that these places are a reflection of everything you are and what you love in this world.San Francisco is not only one of my “soul homes” from a landscape perspective, but also but also from a career standpoint. I found myself reflecting back over my career and remembering where it all began. It was the year 2000 and I was a third-grade teacher. One of my students came in from recess crying and I had to ask myself this question, “Do I take care of the one student who is emotionally upset? Or do I address the other 22 students who are waiting to take a math test?” It was in this question that I saw there was a gap in our education system; teachers and students need time and a set of tools to help with their emotional needs. At that moment I realized that children had ample amounts of time in school to learn about reading and writing but very little time to learn how to deal with the complexity of their emotional world. I saw that my students did not have a place to land when their hearts were hurting, their lives felt confusing, their feelings were being hurt, or they felt excluded. These children needed resources for the times they discovered their parents were getting a divorce or were struggling with their sexuality. And teachers needed all of these resources and tool-kits as well. In this 10-second moment, I clearly saw this lack in our education system and knew I was the person to fix it.So I went to graduate school, got a masters in counseling psychology, wrote and developed a social-emotional curriculum (originally called Girl Space, now called Flourish), and opened my doors with an after-school program for children. I did not have my MBA or any finance experience and I only had one months salary, so I turned one of my rooms in my apartment into a place where kids could come once a week and learn how to talk about their feelings with acceptance. A space to stand up about their lives with courage knowing they would never be judged. I remember one girl saying, “Flourish is the place I can be weird, the place I can be myself.” We did it all with art, cooking, yoga, meditation, volunteer projects and a lot of love. I ran this program for several years both in San Francisco and in Bend until other life experiences arose.Everything from starting a private practice, publishing two books, and running retreats around the world to having another child, supporting my husband’s start-up business and burying my father. But now 18 years later I find myself back in San Francisco coming home to a place where my heart really lives with education, mental health, children, and families. I came back to the Bay Area to share with schools the SEL Flourish curriculum that is now a teacher led-program, in hopes that they will adopt this program into their schools.I found myself excitedly sharing how Flourish allows children a space to express their emotional world so they do not have to carry it around in their bodies. My body was buzzing talking to school counselors and the heads of schools about how Flourish will support their children’s internal worlds so that they can healthily go out to the external world with more clarity, self-acceptance, compassion, and resiliency. And truly knowing that when their teachers and class gather in a circle and talk about their emotions without shame and with creativity, laughter, and love I am helping solve the problem I discovered 15 years ago. I was home! I now ask you to ponder this week about your personal and professional “soul homes.”Where are the places you land, even though you may have never lived there and you feel at home? What is about these places that fill your soul and can you find these feeling in your backyard as well? Where are the places you put your time and energy in order to feed your soul? Then try asking yourself, where do I feel at home in my career? Am I putting my time and energy into my passions to make money? What do I really love to do? Who do I want to surround myself with in my career?And then go deeper into your truth and face your fears by asking yourself, why am I afraid to be myself? What is inhibiting me from following my passions in life? What am I not saying or doing because I am afraid I will not be liked or loved?Then I encourage you to grab a journal, a piece of paper or napkin and write these things down for yourself. Write down your answers without feeling afraid or hiding from your truth. Begin to make your answers a part of your fabric of life. Allow yourself to travel to the places that fill you up and do the things in your life that you know are your passions so that you live in a space of your authentic self and not in a place listening to the voices of the “shoulds” of life. I am giving you permission and encouragement to go deeper into your life to discover more of yourself because when we put our physical, mental and emotional energy behind our soul we feel more at peace and at home. We are kinder to others and yourself and quite simply happier and more fulfilled. I spent five months not feeling at home in anything in my life. But I did my “work” and went back to my intuition and asked the hard questions and what I heard and witnessed was a voice saying, “Home is where I want to be but I guess I am already there I come home you lifted up your wings I guess this must be the place.” I discovered after this challenging time that my home is with Flourish, my home is with children, teachers, and schools helping them uncover and accept their emotions in order to always know where to go to discover their own homes; their hearts, their emotions, their creativity, their intuition, their tribes of friends an family and most importantly themselves. I learned through deep curiosity and courage that Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and I are kindred spirits in that we both resonate from knowing, “if ever I go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than looking in my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

A couple of weeks ago my family and I hiked 9 miles to one of our beautiful Cascade Lakes. The trail to Green Lakes winds up through the juniper forest alongside a flowing creek until you land upon the majestic clear Green Lake that is held deeply by the Broken Top and South Sister mountains.As I was leading my 12-year-old son, 10-year-old daughter and husband down the trail back to our car I had a moment where I thought I was lost. I did not recognize the trail or my surroundings. I thought I might have taken a wrong turn. My heart started to race, my palms began to sweat and I began hearing anxious thoughts such as, “Oh great you have already hiked 7 miles your kids are going to freak out. Where did I mess up? I swear I stayed on the right path, I thought I knew where I was going.” It was only a few seconds of bewilderment but they were filled with fear, uncertainty, and doubt in my abilities. After realizing we were on the right path, my heart rate went down and I could breathe a bit slower.Strangely this angst has not left me. Writing this today I am not lost on a forest trail but I have been waking up lately experiencing these same body sensations and thought patterns about my life. It has been four months since I left my financially and emotionally secure job to jump into the unknown because I listened to my intuition. I thought by now I would have my career all figured out. I thought people would be knocking on my door to do things for their companies, their families or heck maybe even get a phone call from Oprah. Boy was I ever wrong. Or, I should say was my ego ever wrong. I never thought four months after leaving my private practice I would still be as lost as I am on my own journey through the woods to discover my next adventure. No, I thought I would be able to see the next steps with a lot more clarity, inspiration, and security in my bank account. These feelings are not comfortable and make me want to flip off my intuition most days, but I recognize them. I have been lost before in my life. I remember moving to Spain totally unaware of my new language and culture and having to make this foreign land my home. Or landing at the Kashmir airport as a white American woman surrounded by Pakistani men with automatic weapons terrified because my guide was not there to take me to my next destination. And I will never forget waking up the morning after my father died feeling lost, devastated and alone from the reality that I will never hold my father’s hand again.Looking back I realize I survived these challenging, scary and uncomfortable moments so there is something deep inside of me that knows time is one of my greatest teachers.Still a bit begrudgingly, this is what I have learned so far:Find some patience with yourself and your career. I love to fix things and solve problems, hence why I am a therapist and an avid puzzler. So for me to have the patience to let life unfold and to show me my next path is not easy, it is like pulling a tooth from a deep root. But I have learned that this is not going to be a quick fix. I encourage you to do the same when you are feeling lost. Trust that with patience and time you will discover who you should work and collaborate with, what companies resonate with your soul, and where your skillset is most utilized. This may sound like a luxury and you may be saying to yourself, “But I need a paycheck.” I get you, I do too, and so in your transitional time do what you need to do to pay the bills while still exploring your next career path. The best way to create a path of patience is to breathe, meditate, get support, trust, and stay curious and inquisitive to all that is around you each and every moment.Roll up your sleeves. In the moments when you are not being still and quiet roll up your sleeves and get to work. I don’t care if that is taking out the dishes, cleaning out a cupboard, or getting a job to feel some sense of purpose. Try to not sit around and feel sorry for yourself, God knows I have done this and trust me sitting on your rump will only feed into your story of “I am a loser, nobody can see my gifts, or “What the hell am I suppose to do with my life?” These thought patterns do not help your vibrational path to bring people in to meet and guide you towards your next career journey. So try to find the balance of patience and movement, similar to a tree. Let your energetic roots get grounded and still to receive the nutrients of the earth but at the same time encourage your bodily branches to roll up their sleeves and move and sway to grow taller and stronger.Submerse yourself in the experience. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that are coming your way during your transitional times. This is not always fun and comfortable, but essential to receive all the teachings that can be learned. Try to allow yourself to feel the days where you think you are never going to find your passion project, your cause or your next paycheck. To go deeper get out your journal and write about your experience, allow yourself to grieve what you thought your life would be, take care of your internal world by making an appointment with a healer, therapist, or masseuse or try to let go by having a cup of coffee with a friend. In the same way submerse, yourself into the days where you know you are on the right path because you had a positive meeting or phone call that inspired you and allowed you to feel hopeful for your next steps. These times are similar to scuba diving the deeper you submerge into the ocean the more beautiful, unique and interesting the sea life becomes. Get on your scuba gear and get diving deep!Come back to intention and prayer. When the early morning or late night monkey mind begins to create worries and fears for the future say a prayer or intention. Then get up and do something else. It serves no one to stay in bed and let yourself be enveloped by the worries of your world. If these worrisome thoughts come late at night, say a few prayers and then turn on a nightlight and read a book, or name three things you are grateful for, gratitude has a way of shifting the ming from things to worry about to things you are thankful for in this world. You need to change the pathways of the brain to different thought patterns. Worrying serves absolutely no purpose. Magically intentions and prayers cam soak up your worries and fears like water to a sponge.Think about others beside yourself. Get outside of your stories around your fears. I know I am again asking you to do something that is challenging. There are many days I want to sit on the couch and watch Bravo TV, more days than I want to admit. But instead, I have learned that the best medicine for self-pity is to think of others. I think about what my children and husband need that day, or about the mothers who need to climb out of their huts to walk a mile to gather water for the day. I imagine what my life would be like if I were in solitary confinement or alone with an addiction I could not kick. I know this may sound extreme, but on the hard days, it helps me realize there is a much bigger world outside of my mind and if I want to find my next path I cannot waste time thinking only of myself. I need to do things such as setting an intention for the world to send love to all people who are struggling, volunteer at my local homeless shelter, or send a note to a friend who may be going through a hard time. Step out of my “Woe is me” Molly bubble and into the bubble of all humans. I know I am not alone in feeling lost in life. We’ve all experienced moments where life feels like looking into a lake and instead of seeing clear to the bottom; we only can see murky, unclear and ambiguous water. I know many of us can feel as if we are not on the right trail and have led our family and ourselves astray due to fear, shame, or anger. But, if at that moment you can come into your beautiful brain, soulful heart and search spirit and whisper, “You are on the right trail, be patient, let yourself feel, pray, take care of your fellow men and women, and go deep knowing you are in a tribe of other searchers with a beam of light guiding you.

I went camping with my 12-year-old son this past weekend. As I was driving over to pick him up from a sleepover I began feeling waves of nervousness, sadness, and fear. I was not sure why I was feeling these emotions but was guessing because I was going to spend the weekend with a tired tween and because I had never gone camping alone with one of my kids. I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I have never set up a tent or campsite solo without my friends or husband. I simply took a deep breath reminded myself of all my past camping trips and said, “Molly you can do this. All that matters is that you spend alone time with your son.” After pulling my son from his friend’s house we rattled up the road in my old Saab headed for the mountains to be together. As I sit here writing you would think this memorable weekend adventure would be the main thing that is residing in my brain and in my heart, but it is not. What is on my mind and in my heart are all of the mothers that did not get to spend the weekend with their children. Thank goodness for some good karma because when we arrived we found a campsite on one of the busiest weekends of the summer. We set up camp next to a beautiful lake and after a much-needed nap we swam, paddle boarded, played cards, built a fire, ate smores, told ghost stories, laughed and talked more than we had in a long time. I have to admit before writing this blog I was not as educated as I should be on this issue, mostly out of denial. I have been closing my eyes to what is really happening from fear of facing the truth around this horrific situation. I have found myself clicking off of websites and turning newspaper pages and magazines so I did not have to read about what is happening to all the children and families trying to immigrate to the United States. Until one evening I was sitting with a group of friends and we began talking about the children locked up in jail like conditions and I knew that my denial needed to go away in order to speak out, especially from a mental health perspective and the trauma that is being inflicted upon these children and families. After doing some research by reading articles and reaching out to a friend in D.C. who wrote an intelligent and beautiful letter to Congress, I came to some conclusions. One conclusion that is most glaring and right in my face is that what is happening in our country right now in regards to immigration and children is simply wrong. We were all taught as children what is right and what is wrong. Treating others as you wish to be treated, what you put out into the world will come back to you, or no act of kindness however small is ever wasted. These simple but profound acts that can truly change a culture are not being acted upon at this time in our country, and it is wrong. It is wrong that we are putting what I believe personal politics above people’s lives. Second, coming from the perspective as a therapist and mental health professional this forced separation of children from their parents is causing massive amounts of trauma and this trauma will not only affect the thousands that are directly involved but will also cause a ripple effect upon many more. Rachel Osborn, a therapist at Mary's Center in Washington, D.C., who works in schools with children who immigrated from Latin America to the U.S. without their parents knows kids who slept in the immigrant detention centers in Texas that have dominated recent headlines. "We have kids who will say that was the worst part of their journey," Osborn says. "They were traveling for weeks and the hardest part was being in this freezing cold room where, you know, they were fed a cold sandwich and had a thin blanket to shiver under." Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, CEO of the Center for Youth Wellness in San Francisco, shared when children are comforted by their parents, they produce more of the hormone oxytocin, which helps relieve the stress response, without a parent's comfort, a child's stress response can go into overdrive. And that leads to many different health problems, she says, including "changes in brain development, changes in the hormonal systems, immune system, cardiovascular system, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed." As Rachel Osborne and Dr. Nadine Burke Harris share, I also know as a therapist who has witnessed the stories of many people who experienced trauma as a child or an adult. These children for a large portion of their lives will most likely have a challenging imprint on their mental, physical, and spiritual decisions and choices that will make their lives more challenging. Lastly, I have come to the conclusion that in this world we are so much more connected than separate. When I see images of children being unwillingly separated from their parents my heart races, my palms sweat and I feel the same ping and pull in my belly that I feel when my own children are in physical or emotional pain. Reminding me of the somatic interconnectedness we all experience. We are one human race, living on one planet earth, and so when one hurts we all hurt. We are not separate from each other and because of this, these children are all our children. These images of children are more than victims; they are reminders of all children and pull on our heartstrings as parents and people. Waking up to the reality of what is happening right now in the United States let’s begin asking ourselves these questions. How can we roll up our sleeves and get to work to help those in need? How can we recognize when we are falling asleep to the photos and stories of the children in the detention centers because it is too painful? How can we stop and feel the ripple effect of trauma that is happening to these children and families in order to fully know the effect that this is having on all people? How can we come back to the kindness that resides in the center of our being? I cannot turn away anymore out of fear or avoidance of the truth, and I ask of you to do the same. Here are some places you can go to help support this cause. KIND: Kids In Need of Defense: https://supportkind.org/ Women’s Refugee Commission: https://www.womensrefugeecommission.org/ AILA: American Immigration Lawyers Association: https://www.aila.org/ Reflecting back to when I was picking up my son to go camping I realize the emotions that I was feeling of nervousness, sadness, and fear were not solely because I was going to have to set up a tent alone, but maybe because unconsciously I was realizing that I had the gift of freedom to actually spend time with my son. I realized that my weekend was going to revolve around my son lying on a camping mat, with a warm blanket, in a tent next to me, while other mothers sons would be lying on a camping mat, covered by a thin silver blanket in a cage. During this week where we are focusing on our countries fight for freedom, I will no longer take for granted the preciousness, freedom, and gift that I possess to be able to spend time with my children nor recognize that I am no longer free to close my eyes to the children that are being separated from their parents at the border. sons camping because their children were locked up in a detention center in McAllen, Texas.

As a person who has sat across a room from hundreds of people listening to their stories, I have acquired an antenna for and become somewhat of an expert of people's facial expressions, body language, and emotions. Since quitting my job 6 weeks ago, I haven’t had an outlet for these skills. I have had some time on my hands and so, strangely enough, I wound up turning this skill to watching Mark Zuckerberg defended his company, Facebook at the Senate hearings. Observing his facial expressions has made me think about a lot of different things — everything from the complexity of company security systems to monopolies, to how incredibly busy and stressed he must be at this point in his life. Watching these hearings, I have been reflecting upon my own life, and how “not” busy I am these days. My blank calendar, quiet home, dwindling texts and emails, and fewer obligations have forced me to reflect and learn more about myself and my life than I have in a long time. And in my reflection, I have felt a range of emotions; excited, scared, inspired and lost. From these realizations, I thought I would share with you some things I have learned — and I expect I will share a few more in the next week or two.1. When in transition, reach out to others for wisdom and support. This is not a solo journey. Through this transition, I have learned that people are inherently kind—truly kind—and want to help other people. I have reached out to complete strangers and people I have known for years in hopes that they may have some nugget of wisdom or insight on what my next steps should look like. I have talked to people in Dallas, Orlando, Portland, Omaha, Toronto, Los Angeles, Palm Springs, New York, and, of course, Bend, all in the vein of that they may hopefully help me uncover some truth towards my next steps in following my intuition. They have taken time out of their busy schedules to talk, listen, brainstorm, have coffee, laugh and cry about life, work, family, the earth, women, and life passions. I have been overwhelmed by the love and kindness I have received from people with nothing to gain but to help another human being on their quest to discover their next chapter in life. So, the next time you find yourself in transition, don’t be afraid to call people near and far for support and guidance.2. Let your creativity be one of your guiding forces. The Greeks believed that creativity came from a divine spirit and called it their creative spirits, Daemon. Socrates believed that his Daemon spoke to him and was his genius of sorts. Let us all learn from the Greeks wisdom and let your Daemon come through your own life. This may look like everything from painting, sketching, singing, or dancing. Or just sitting quietly and letting your mind wander to creative places to brainstorming big dreams and ideas. For some part of your day, let the shackles of life’s responsibilities and obligations dissolve and let your divine creative spirit come through to guide you.3. Sit with an animal when you are scared or confused. I have spent more time sitting on my couch in silence petting and holding my sweet Corgi. It has been my form of meditation, relaxation, and medication the past 6 weeks. When I am feeling anxious, scared, or asking myself, “What have I done?” I sit down on my old, stained, and child-loved couch with my dog and just receive some of her unconditional love and then I hear, “Molly it will all be okay, I promise.” Grab your pet or friends pet and feel how powerful being with an animal is soothing for the mind and soul. You gain so much peace and solace by sitting on your couch with a pet.4. I have learned that I am continually on the journey of self-acceptance. Yes, I am in my late 40’s and have realized that this time is forcing me to yet again peel away the layers of who I think I am to discover and accept who I really am. Instead of beating myself up about not wanting to stay in the same place, job, or situation, I am learning to accept that at the core of my being I am a searcher, a lover of reinvention, and as one of my wise guides called me, “Molly the explorer.” So when you are in any transition, listen deeply and notice intently what you love and let that be your guiding force to what you do. You are not one thing, you are many things, and I encourage you to allow yourself to indulge and let your psyche be filled with all of beautiful you. When you start to beat yourself up for who you are or are not, how you look or don’t look, or what you are doing or not doing, stop and tell yourself you are not those voices, you are immensely courageous to continue your journey of self-discovery and acceptance.5. One of the healthiest core values in life is a connection to other human beings.This I have learned for sure. I have had time to sit and think about life, and watch other people interact, and what I am learning for sure is that connection makes people feel more alive, seen, and heard. I am seeing this everywhere but where it was most prevalent was at my daughter's 4th-grade teacher conference. She has been struggling academically and our family and her school have been working really hard to help her succeed. But it was at her teacher's conference where I witnessed my daughter really feel connected. It was her lovely, kind and heartfelt teacher that looked her deep in her eyes and said, “Cora I know it has been hard for you this year, but I have witnessed you being so strong and not giving up in challenging situations.” My daughter's whole body lit up and in that one moment of deep connection, she was rewarded for months of hard work. This is it, people, find a time to connect with someone every day. Be that a family member with a hug or giving a compliment to a total stranger — connect! It lightens the soul, strengthens the sense of community and belonging, and reminds us that the millions of us are really so deeply interconnected on this one planet.

I am quitting my job. I am leaving my private therapy practice with nothing waiting for me on the other side. I am ending my stable career without a company knocking on my door to offer me a position or a publishing house sending me a contract to write another book. I am quitting my job because I am again being faced with listening to my intuition. The story goes like this: about a year ago I heard this quiet voice saying “Molly, it is time — you need to leave your private practice.” Then day-by-day its volume began to rise continuing to say, “Follow the voice you hear, adhere to your intuition and trust within!” But instead of listening to this voice, I did everything opposite than what I have encouraged you all to do in my book. I did not listen because I was scared and it did not make sense to me to leave. I would ask myself, “Why would I leave a job where I am trying to make a difference in peoples lives? Why would I leave a thriving practice with a waiting list? Why would I leave the stability of a paycheck that is responsible for paying half of my family’s household bills, especially when my husband is still at a start-up making a start-up salary? Why?” These “whys” kept me glued to my therapist chair and kept me walking into my office week by week even though I kept hearing the voices telling me it is time to go. Until one day in a silent hot spring, they came in so loud I could not ignore them anymore. I was supposed to fly to LA to be on a podcast for my book. I was so excited, or I should say my ego was so excited, to be on this podcast with a woman who has close to 200,000 followers. With less than 24 hours before I was supposed to get on the plane, she wrote me an email canceling. A wave of emotions arose; I was pissed, hurt, frustrated, and disappointed, to name a few. I was putting a lot of my success eggs in her basket and was giving her so much of my power because I thought this one interview just might make the book that I put my heart and soul into a hit. After receiving the email I sat on my couch for a few minutes, let myself pout and be mad and then took some deep breaths and heard, “Molly you have a two-day window, go somewhere.” So I got in the car the next morning and headed to Breitenbush hot springs. These hot springs are about an hour and a half from my home in Bend and are a haven for my psyche. At Breitenbush there is no internet or cell service, there are no expectations of how to be or not to be in this environment, and so I can really drop in and disappear into my heart. I soaked in the healing hot springs, ate vegetarian food, walked in the old growth forest, and slowly I began to hear my deeper truth. And it was in these days that I could not run away from my intuition into driving carpool, answering phone calls, running errands, or working. No, it was too quiet and so beautifully simple that I had to listen to my intuition saying over and over again, “You need to leave your private practice and go into the abyss. As scary as this is going to be because you are going to be shown deeper parts of your personality and belief systems that need to dissolve and you are someone who would much prefer to be busy than still, you must leave and go into the emptiness of life. And Molly you have always been taken care of you, you will be okay. Go and trust and jump and face your fears and trust again.” The next day when I was back in the world of cell reception I wrote my office mate and told her that I was leaving. And then I began the heart opening process of telling my 40 plus clients goodbye. In ending therapy with my clients, which is sometimes their most intimate relationship, I knew I needed to come in the room as a human, not a clinician. I needed to talk to them through the voice of Molly, not their therapist, and then trust whatever was going to arise in the room to let it arise. What came in the room was sadness through witnessing a 7th-grade boy tearing up and saying, “This is my only place to be me. ” And the inhibition to be real and raw by crying with a client that I have been with for 10 years through her divorce, her new marriage, the birth of her three children, and her courageous survival of cancer. And what else came in the room was excitement around my clients know they are ready to face the world on their own two feet. This excitement looked like giving each other high fives and cheers for facing their sexual, physical or emotional abuse in the eye and saying, “You are not going to control me anymore. I am stronger and bigger than you. I am now a survivor and no longer a victim to my story.” And what I learned most around telling my clients goodbye is that it has been an unbelievable honor and unforgettable gift to be a witness to some of their deepest human life experiences. Telling my clients goodbye has been only half of what life had in store for me. On a daily basis, I feel as if I am traveling on a boat into unchartered waters. Some day’s it is smooth sailing with the most exciting sunrises and sunsets showing me the possibilities of what I can and will do next with my career. The rainbow sky colors remind me that I can hopefully make a difference in corporate America, or touch others lives through implementing healing and mental health principles into a broader audience. Then on other days, I am faced with the stormy waters of my fearful emotions around the voices screaming, “How am I going to survive this transition time? Why did I put myself in this position of starting something totally new at 46 years old?” Or “I cannot afford to just leave my job and think that something will arrive because my intuition told me. I am crazy!” But then I look at my boat and the horizon and I keep coming back to the voice I heard at Breitenbush to trust my intuition, believe in my intellect, and continue to pray to God for guidance. I am here today trusting and hopefully through my words you can look at your life and ask yourself, “What am I not listening to that needs to change?” “Where am I not paying attention to my inner wisdom out of fear? What voices do I need to adhere and given attention to?” Or “What is my intuition telling me today?” These voices could be telling you something about your marriage, family, or career. They could be speaking to you about your body, addictions, patterns of behavior, or simply to be more loving and kind to yourself. But I encourage you to listen and not let your fears inhibit you from following your one true voice. Or as my best friend Charlotte said to me today on the phone, “Mols you wrote this book on intuition and now you have to live this book on intuition.” And then I said, “But did it really have to tell me to quit my job?” So please come along with me on this unchartered journey of following your intuition, or at least please keep sending me the jobs you see on LinkedIn.

I awoke this morning thinking about the New Year and began reading a few of the resolution lists, such as: The Only Resolution List you Need, Five Things You Can Do To Get in Better Shape or New Years Resolutions: How Do you Make One and Keep It.As I was reading I began to feel worse about myself, not better and this led me to realize that a lot of these lists can be very black and white. Saying such things as in order to get here you need to do this, or if you want these results don’t do that. This verbiage can often force your spirit to think about what you are not doing or accomplishing, verses what you are doing and accomplishing in life. It can also encourage the psyche to begin to compare to others successes and accomplishments forgetting about what is already wonderful and successful about your own life.So as your daily therapist here is my one tip for you in 2018, live more in the gray, not in the black and white. Not because it will get you in better shape, more confident or have more money. No, simply because it will allow you stop beating yourself up for not doing something right or wrong, or good or bad. It will help you stay out of what I call the “shower of shame.” This shower is a place where you hear words such as, “I am unhealthy, unproductive, or unsuccessful.” Or worry about things such as, “If I don’t get to the gym, become happier, or have better sex I am a loser and not worthy of love and belonging.” Not a place to exist to strengthen your spirit and self-worth. So what does “living in the gray” look like? It is a lifestyle where you may go to a yoga class and choose to be in child’s pose or shivasana because you need an hour to lay down and have someone else take care of you. But then the next time you attend a yoga class, you push yourself a bit more to try a new pose, be a bit uncomfortable or open yourself up to a new class or teacher. Living in the gray is about having balance with what you put into your body, have a green juice for breakfast and then listen to the voice that is craving a piece of pizza and a glass of wine for dinner. Or how you live in your home, one day your house may be immaculate and you shine with pride with your “Martha Stewart” lifestyle. And then the next day it is a disaster from kids running through dropping their sporting equipment in every room or you feeling the need to not pick up for a day or two.Living in the gray is about being open to following the voice of your body and soul, listening to what is best for you in the moment versus the voice of “should’s and coulds.” The gray is living in your natural cicada rhythm of life when you are inspired to accomplish something, you go for it, push yourself out of your comfort zone and then trust that when your soul is searching for some down time to slow down, become quiet, shut down your life for a bit. Waking up to the realization that living in the gray is living in your soul and a place without shame, guilt, perfectionism and self-hatred.Here are some questions you can ask yourself to stay in the gray.What activities do I love to do? Walk my dog, stretch while watching episodes of The Housewives, or run to the store to get a morning donut. These are all perfect, valuable and right just for you.What people inspire me and fill my soul? Name your top 5 people and then put your time, love and energy into those people and let the rest come in and out of your life when it works for you.How do I love to spend my time? What fills your soul? Is it walking in the woods, knitting, and playing cards with your kids, or reading romance novels?I am learning to embrace my “grayness” as well. The part of me that sometimes wants to spend the morning in a work out class and then on another day sitting in a café reading my emails. I am attempting to not feel guilty that some days I have enough energy to run around after work driving my kids to and from their activities and then be okay with the part of me that just the other day called my husband and asked him to take the kids for an afternoon so I could sit on my couch, with a bowl of buttered popcorn, to binge watch 13 Reasons Why with no responsibilities.I encourage you to throw out your lists of what is right and wrong and begin to embrace your “grayness” of life. To become the witness of your own life and watch when you get to caught up in your negative thought patterns, schedules, responsibilities, or obligations. When you begin to hear things such as, “If I don’t do this or that I am a bad parent, lazy person, or awful employee” recognizing that you are hopping into your “shower of shame” and not living in a place of self acceptance, and the grayness of life.This is my one and only resolution for 2018 to live in the gray and I encourage you to try it out to. Because living in the gray is not only better for your spirit, but also so much more fun!

I awoke this morning thinking about the New Year and began reading a few of the resolution lists, such as: The Only Resolution List you Need, Five Things You Can Do To Get in Better Shape or New Years Resolutions: How Do you Make One and Keep It.As I was reading I began to feel worse about myself, not better and this led me to realize that a lot of these lists can be very black and white. Saying such things as in order to get here you need to do this, or if you want these results don’t do that. This verbiage can often force your spirit to think about what you are not doing or accomplishing, verses what you are doing and accomplishing in life. It can also encourage the psyche to begin to compare to others successes and accomplishments forgetting about what is already wonderful and successful about your own life.So as your daily therapist here is my one tip for you in 2018, live more in the gray, not in the black and white. Not because it will get you in better shape, more confident or have more money. No, simply because it will allow you stop beating yourself up for not doing something right or wrong, or good or bad. It will help you stay out of what I call the “shower of shame.” This shower is a place where you hear words such as, “I am unhealthy, unproductive, or unsuccessful.” Or worry about things such as, “If I don’t get to the gym, become happier, or have better sex I am a loser and not worthy of love and belonging.” Not a place to exist to strengthen your spirit and self-worth. So what does “living in the gray” look like? It is a lifestyle where you may go to a yoga class and choose to be in child’s pose or shivasana because you need an hour to lay down and have someone else take care of you. But then the next time you attend a yoga class, you push yourself a bit more to try a new pose, be a bit uncomfortable or open yourself up to a new class or teacher. Living in the gray is about having balance with what you put into your body, have a green juice for breakfast and then listen to the voice that is craving a piece of pizza and a glass of wine for dinner. Or how you live in your home, one day your house may be immaculate and you shine with pride with your “Martha Stewart” lifestyle. And then the next day it is a disaster from kids running through dropping their sporting equipment in every room or you feeling the need to not pick up for a day or two.Living in the gray is about being open to following the voice of your body and soul, listening to what is best for you in the moment versus the voice of “should’s and coulds.” The gray is living in your natural cicada rhythm of life when you are inspired to accomplish something, you go for it, push yourself out of your comfort zone and then trust that when your soul is searching for some down time to slow down, become quiet, shut down your life for a bit. Waking up to the realization that living in the gray is living in your soul and a place without shame, guilt, perfectionism and self-hatred.Here are some questions you can ask yourself to stay in the gray.What activities do I love to do? Walk my dog, stretch while watching episodes of The Housewives, or run to the store to get a morning donut. These are all perfect, valuable and right just for you.What people inspire me and fill my soul? Name your top 5 people and then put your time, love and energy into those people and let the rest come in and out of your life when it works for you.How do I love to spend my time? What fills your soul? Is it walking in the woods, knitting, and playing cards with your kids, or reading romance novels?I am learning to embrace my “grayness” as well. The part of me that sometimes wants to spend the morning in a work out class and then on another day sitting in a café reading my emails. I am attempting to not feel guilty that some days I have enough energy to run around after work driving my kids to and from their activities and then be okay with the part of me that just the other day called my husband and asked him to take the kids for an afternoon so I could sit on my couch, with a bowl of buttered popcorn, to binge watch 13 Reasons Why with no responsibilities.I encourage you to throw out your lists of what is right and wrong and begin to embrace your “grayness” of life. To become the witness of your own life and watch when you get to caught up in your negative thought patterns, schedules, responsibilities, or obligations. When you begin to hear things such as, “If I don’t do this or that I am a bad parent, lazy person, or awful employee” recognizing that you are hopping into your “shower of shame” and not living in a place of self acceptance, and the grayness of life.This is my one and only resolution for 2018 to live in the gray and I encourage you to try it out to. Because living in the gray is not only better for your spirit, but also so much more fun!

I thought I would come to my writing this morning to share about the recent release of my book, Trust Within: Letting your Intuition Lead, that was published last Tuesday with so much joy and excitement.  But as my hands hit the keys this is what arrived.My dad died six years ago today.  There are memories that will be forever embedded in my brain until the day I die, and watching my father leave this world will be one of those memories.  It will be with me forever because on October 19th, 2011 all my senses were on high alert, more alive than anything that day.  I will never forget hearing the beeping machines being turned off, the suction of the tube being pulled from his mouth, or the gasping sounds that are derived from deep grief coming from my family’s tears.  There was a sweet smell that arrived from the fresh cut flowers that our dear friends and family sent from near and far and a scent of crisp lake air blowing through the windows. I will never forget, the touch of my fathers skin.  I held his hand and took in every winkle, curve and roughness from his 71 years of hard work and history.  I could taste a salt in my mouth from all my tears that I had shed from the days of seeing him in the ICU and coming to the awful awakening that we would need to let him go.  And as if it were yesterday I remember seeing my mother embrace his whole body, trying to hold onto their last few moments of being together after 46 years of raising 5 kids and living a full and vibrant life as husband and wife.  And then there was my sixth sense, my intuition. My inner knowing told me that my life would never be the same.  I could never call my father for advice or to laugh about the crazy things that had happened to me.  I could never feel one of his strong embraces that assured me even when life was hard and I was stressed or worried this hug told me it would all be okay.  When my father was dying I intuitively knew that my life was going to feel really shitty for a while, a long while.  That I would endure a deep pain called grief that is unimaginable.Simultaneously in all this pain I had a wave of intuition that also whispered I would heal. And that the saying, “time heals all wounds” was true.  And here I am today, six years later and still miss him terribly, but I am also deeply aware that so much has transpired since his death.  My family has healed; we have loved each other deeply to help each other from the death of my father.  I have grown; I am stronger and more resilient.  I have been able to travel to India alone, write two books, and grow in my career as a therapist and public speaker.  I feel more confident in my relationships and as a mother and wife.  I am grateful for a deeper connection to my mother, with one parent gone there is a gift in truly appreciating what you have in the parent left.  And I see even clearer how my mother is amazing, loving, strong and kind, deeply kind.  So even though I wish my father were here today, my senses will never let me forget of his death and my intuition knows that I have grown into a woman he would be proud to call his daughter.  I love you Dad.

“To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.” —Allen Ginsberg, WDBeing a writer is such an interesting experiment on the psyche.  It is so much more than putting words on a piece of paper to tell a story or share one’s expertise.  It really pushes one to face so many of their fears, insecurities, and inner critic and this is why so many people who want to be writers, choose not to write.  It can be a brutal tug of war with one’s soul.  I was reminded of this tug of war one morning last week.   A bit of the backstory: I am in the process of marketing and promoting my upcoming book, Trust Within: Letting Intuition Lead, which is being released October 17th.  I am learning a lot, and most of what I am learning is that the bulk of marketing and promoting is now up to the author.  The author contacts the magazines, TV stations, podcasts and blogs in hopes that they will say yes to having them be a guest on their show or write a review of their book. I have also discovered that this period has very little to do with writing, but still forces me to face my inner critic. The critic that questions, “Am I good enough to be a writer?” Or speaks the language of the imposters syndrome, “When are they all going to find out I am a fake, not a real writer.”  These were the voices screaming last week as I sat on the side of my bed sobbing to my husband.I was struggling; I was really suffering and having a total meltdown.  I mean I was sobbing, snot running down my nose, unable to catch a breath, really losing all control of my bodily functions. Through my tears I was saying things like, “I suck, my book is going to suck, I am mediocre writer, and my book is going to be a total flop.” I would find some space between my tears to then say, “Because I suck I must stop all the madness of publishing this book, I must be safe and secure and not have to face my friends and family when my book is at the bottom of the New York Times bestseller list, and I am a complete fucking failure.”  I wanted to grab my cracked iPhone and call my publisher and say, “Stop the press. Please can we not publish my book? It is going to fail.”  During this incredibly wretched time on my psyche this was all I could see or feel as the truth.My sweet husband listened, and then gave me some really reassuring words, “Molly it will all be okay, I read the book and loved it (he has to say that he is my husband), and you are so loved, remember that.” After a long, kind hug where all my snot dripped upon his shirt, I wiped my burning, red eyes and listened as my kids awoke and began asking for breakfast.  I went on with my morning, which mostly consisted of packing the car to head out on a camping trip with my family. I awoke the first morning on our camping trip, stretched my sleeping bag cramped body, fumbled and crawled out of my tent to smell the fresh Wallowa Mountains.  I brewed up a cup of strong coffee and slowly, silently headed down to the lake to watch my kid’s fish. It was on this meditative walk I began to hear another voice, it was not the inner critic, or the insecure, scared writer, it was something softer, something kinder and something that I knew deep in my soul was the real truth, not the “inner critic” truth.I heard, “Molly you had to leave.  Leave it all, your home, town, the computer, your phone and go to the woods and go and be in nature. You had to do what you are telling everyone else to do in your book, your blog, at your professional speaking engagements at LinkedIn and elsewhere, or in your practice to stop and get quiet and leave all the external comforts to hear your real truth and to listen to your intuition.”  I then heard even louder,  “Molly you have to trust.  You have to trust that whoever is suppose to read your book, will read your book.  Whoever is energetically aligned, and is suppose to learn from Sunny the custodian, Jay the recovering addict, or Trisha who trusts her bodily wisdom, will learn.  You have to stop attaching your self worth to whether someone who has a podcast, website, or magazine says yes or no to you, or critics who rate the success of your book.  Because when you give away your power and self-worth you will suffer.  You allow yourself to believe that others opinions will make you happy or successful, and that is simply not the truth. The truth is, trust love, intuition, guidance, silence, nature, family, and most importantly you.  That you know what is best for you, that your voice is the most important and true. Your voice, not a critic’s, reviewer’s, or blogger’s voice.”  At this quiet moment, in the middle of the woods, my intuition guided me to trust and see with crystal clear eyes that I was attaching the outcome of the success or failure of my upcoming book to others.  I was giving this book so much power, relying on it to tell me if I am a person who is happy or sad, good or bad, and because of this I was suffering.I am 6 weeks away from my launch. I will still post and try to get people to talk with me about intuition, whether that be on a podcast, website, or in a coffee shop.  I will do all this because I believe wholeheartedly in the message that following and listening to your intuition is so incredibly imperative, especially now in these times of dark politics, floods, and human challenges.  I will do it because the message of following ones intuition is deeply embedded in my heart.  And I will do it because I know intuition is a gift we have all been given, it is free, for everybody and the deepest well for wisdom to our truth.  And I vow to fight the inner critic that wants to attach others words and opinions to my inner worth or outer success. I will fight tooth and nail to ignore the voices that tell me if someone likes my book then I am a good person, writer, or therapist.I needed to leave my life and go to nature to stop the suffering.  I needed to get quiet, to hear my intuition, and I needed to listen to my intuition to trust that what is going to happen with Trust Within is going to happen.  I encourage you to do the same.  Watch how you put your self worth into someone else’s hands, opinions, or insights.  Watch when you attach your self-worth and success to a your career, your children, or your possessions and because of this deep attachment you are suffering.  And then get quiet, try to get to nature, and listen.  Really listen and I am guessing you will hear what I heard, “Stop the madness and get into your heart.  The truth in life is to trust love, intuition, guidance, silence, nature, family, and most importantly your one true voice.” And this is true success.