D.D. Marx's Blog

I met Bethenny at a local book signing event. Bethenny Frankel is The Real Housewives of New York star, power house behind the Skinnygirl brand, and author of I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After. Bethenny’s book really resonated with me. I’m in my 40’s, never been married but have plenty of dating history to know what real love looks like. Now I just need to adopt these same practices in my real life to find MY true love. Here are the top three things I’ve learned:

1. Make Sure You Give and Take Equally!

All relationships are based on mutual respect and at different times, one person may be giving more than the other for various reasons. The challenge is to make sure it is not continuously imbalanced. I am definitely a giver by nature so I love to do nice things, help a guy I’m dating out, and take something off his plate to reduce his stress. As a giver it’s effortless to do things unselfishly out of the goodness of my heart. However if it isn’t ever reciprocated it can become a one sided relationship. No matter if you are single, married, in a friendship or relationship, it is always wise to evaluate the balance of give and take in each of your relationships to make sure that you are getting what you want and need out of all of your relationships.

2. Communicate: Openly & Honestly

I see this all too often in every aspect of my life, especially in my corporate life, people dance around a subject rather than just coming out and saying what they really mean. This leads to all sorts of confusion and underlying turmoil. It’s better to be respectful, tactful and just say what you mean to keep lines of communication open. In the words of John Mayor, “Say what you need to say!”

3. Always Trust your Intuition!

We live in a very technological world, full of dozens of dating sites. This provides opportunity and more areas for people to hide, embellish and or even lie about who they really are. If something seems too good to be true, it definitely is. If things aren’t adding up, don’t be afraid to question. If someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. I am a person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt to everyone until they give me reason to question. Just remember to always listen to your gut. Lead with your head and your heart will find its rightful owner.

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 Loss of a loved one brings pain, there is no doubt. It is the most intense pain many of us will ever feel.

It is not something we can just shrug off; it takes months and years of hard work to get to a point where that pain is a manageable part of ourselves.

Even though grief brings intense pain, you cannot quit living because of that pain. You must keep living because the loved one you lost would not want to see you throw your life away because of it. Giving up on your dreams and receding from life because of the pain of grief is almost like a second death for the one you lost. Someone once said, “Pain is temporary but losing because you quit will haunt you forever.” Your loved one would never want you to quit living!

It may help you at this time to think of how you would feel if the situations were reversed. What if you knew that you were leaving your family and friends and had only one hour to tell them what you wanted them to know? What would you say? I doubt you would tell them to grieve or to stop living; instead, you would tell them how much you loved them and how much you wanted them to move forward and be happy.

We actually witnessed this phenomenon on September 11, 2001. Some of the people on the airplanes that ultimately crashed, leaving no survivors, were able to call their loved ones before the crash. What did they say to them? Unanimously, they wanted their loved ones to be happy and to move ahead with their lives, come what may. Your loved ones felt the same; they want you to move forward and to be happy with yourself and your life. Can you deny them that effort now that they are gone?

Always remember, through the reality and the intense pain of grief, that your loved ones loved you and wanted nothing more than your happiness. When you realize that, you are better prepared to grieve and to move on with your life rather than giving up on your dreams.

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You Owe It To Yourself And Your Loved Ones To Do This; Never Give Up, Because The Tide Will Change Eventually!

If you have lost a loved one, you already know that grief never really goes away.  That is frightening, because the initial stages of grief are very hard work.  Sometimes when people hear that grief is not going to go away they have an incredibly difficult time believing they are strong enough to handle it.  When you have just lost someone, the pain is so intense that you do not believe you can deal with it for five minutes let alone the next 15 or 20 years.

However, I think we sometimes misunderstand the nature of grief.  Counselors talk about grief stages, but not everyone goes through those in the same order.  Further, counselors sometimes forget to say that grief, like a tide, ebbs and flows.  It is sometimes strong than other times, and that is completely normal.  We must learn to swim with that tide if we are to survive grief.  It is possible, but not easy.

Vicki Harrison said, “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” I agree that this analogy applies well because “swimming” means different things at different times.  Sometimes swimming is very easy, as when we are just dog-paddling around the shallow end.  Other times, swimming is hard work.  Michael Phelps, the Olympic champion swimmer, was rumored to eat 10,000 calories a day just to maintain his body weight due to all the swimming he did.  It requires energy to swim for a long time!

Fortunately for us, the energy requirements for grief vary from day to day.  There are going to be days when it feels overwhelming.  There are also going to be days when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Although you will never be completely without grief, you will eventually reach calmer waters if you keep trying, keep living and keep moving forward.

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“A mentor empowers a person to see a possible future, and believe it can be obtained.”- Shawn Hitchcock

What great assets mentors are!  In all walks of life, they are crucial to our eventual success. Do you have a mentor?  If so, do you utilize the potential of this wonderful relationship to its fullest?  More importantly, do you mentor those coming behind you?

Remember that mentorship is a two-way street.  Not only should you seek out the support of good mentors but you must be prepared to mentor others yourself.

What are the qualities of a good mentor?  I always like to find someone who is good at something I want to do.  For example, if I wanted to learn to knit, I would find someone who was good at knitting and ask that person to teach me.  Mentorship in other matters is the same.  Find the person who is good at what you want to do and who embodies the qualities you want to have and use that person’s expertise to better yourself!

When someone else wants to use your expertise, in the same vein, you should offer your time freely to help that person succeed.  Always pay it forward, there is plenty of room for everyone. Not only does the universe reward you for your kindness but you will also see that mentoring others helps you to understand your own skills and talents more deeply and ultimately makes you better at what you do.

What does mentoring involve?  One of the crucial skills involved in mentoring is being able to inspire others to believe that they can do whatever it is they want to do.  Mentors are more than just teachers; they are also coaches who inspire others and help them achieve their dreams.  Further, by being a mentor, you ultimately end up inspiring yourself and reaching much greater heights than you thought you ever could!

Never give up on finding mentors or mentoring others.  This can be one of the best things you do with your life and can give you the boost you need to become not just good but great!

 Tell me about your greatest mentor and how they’ve inspired you!

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“Those we love don’t go away,

they walk beside us every day, unseen,

unheard, but always near, still loved,

still missed, and very dear.” – Unknown

 Have you ever seen the movie “The Legend of Bagger Vance?” It is a movie of a humble man, played by Matt Damon, who is a community leader, a tremendous athlete and golfer. He had everything going for him, including the love of a beautiful woman. He was then sent off to war and lost his entire platoon. He returned home a shell of a man. He was deeply depressed and drowned his sorrows in alcohol to the point of uselessness.   Everyone who loved him tried to find ways to help him find his way back to his authentic self. Then, out of nowhere, a man appeared in his life that helped him find his way back. It is a heartfelt journey of love and hope. Sometimes the loss we experience is only within ourselves. We give up hope. It is usually a buildup of small things over time that lead us to a negative inner voice becoming our own worst enemy. Many times, it takes someone outside of ourselves to remind us who were are and what we are here to do. Faith and belief can come from the most unexpected places and people. Always try to see the bright side of things and keep moving forward no matter how slow.

The overall theme in the movie is about finding the unique talent only you are born with. It demonstrates how you need to dig deep to use it and find purpose in it, because it is uniquely yours. You may be ignoring it or suppressing it because you’re afraid to put it to use. People hesitate to step outside the box for fear of how they will be perceived. Great people never got to great places by waiting for company! Just go for it! You won’t be disappointed.

The post Love And Loss appeared first on d.d. marx.

 

 

“Every risk is worth taking as long as it’s for a good cause and contributes to a good life.”—Unknown

Are you a risk taker? Did you know that your success will largely hinge on the number and type of risks you take? Taking a chance is difficult, but it can be well worth if it you benefit richly from your gamble. This does not mean to take wild chances; instead, hone your decision-making skills so that you can make informed choices and take good chances that will directly benefit you!

Many people refuse to take chances not because they are afraid of risk but because they are afraid of change. Let’s face it: no one really likes change when they are in a comfortable rut. In fact, most people will choose avoidance of pain over possible pleasure. Think about that friend of yours who was hurt terribly by a lost loved one or the friend who lost money in the stock market. Those people will probably choose the “safe road” over another “adventure,” even if the adventure promises great reward. It is just easier to choose safety and freedom from possible pain over the promise of pleasure!

However, what you will find is that if you do not take risks, you will never know true joy. Music is beautiful only because there is a contrast between major and minor chords; if everything were major, music would not have the sound and it would not move us the way it does. Love and life are the same; how can we know true beauty and happiness unless we have experienced sadness? Therefore, we must be prepared to take risks and we must be prepared for loss sometimes. Without risk, life is bland at best.

What have you risked recently? Have you taken the chances you need to take in order to be truly fulfilled? If not, what are you waiting for? Life is out there to be seized, not to be watched from the sidelines. Take a risk today and know the true excitement and joy that life has to offer!

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“Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.”- Unknown

Did you realize that every interaction is working on your personal branding?

It may seem difficult to believe, but every time you present yourself to anyone it is an act of branding, just as big corporations try to brand their products to make them attractive to the public.  More importantly, did you realize that your personal brand will directly affect how successful you are?

I want to take a moment and tell you the story of a product you probably have in your home and use on a regular basis:

The Band-Aid®.

You may not realize it now, but at one time Band-Aid® was not a popular product.  Introduced in 1920, these bandages were not immediately embraced by the public.  Most people preferred to wash and reuse cotton bandages when necessary, and Band-Aid® had made their product too bulky; they were three inches wide and eighteen inches long!  Clearly, something was needed to fix the problem.  The makers of Band-Aid® realized that they were trying too hard to imitate a product that already solved the issue neatly.  Why would someone want the same old solution to a problem that had already been solved?

World War II saw a new innovation for Band-Aid®; the sterile adhesive strip.  Millions were shipped overseas as part of the war effort.  Soldiers could keep them in their backpacks as they were small and self-adhesive, so they easily covered cuts and small wounds.  By 1951 when Band-Aid® introduced plastic strips, the bandage was a household name.

You may be wondering why I am telling you this story.  Think about your own brand.  Are you trying too hard to imitate someone else?  Are you failing to see your own unique qualities and present them to the world?  Band-Aid® learned a lesson; rather than try to imitate an existing product, it became a new solution for a new problem.  Can you say the same about yourself?

If not, think about rebranding yourself.  You are going to be the answer to someone’s prayers.  Don’t waste your time trying to be someone else, everyone else is already taken, be YOU!

Tell me your successful branding stories

and how you make an effort to stand out.

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“Love is never about finding the hand that perfectly fits yours.

It’s about finding that one person who is willing to hold hands no matter how unfit it may be.”- Unknown

Love is the first emotion we feel when we arrive in this world.  It is free and bountiful.  It’s evident in the way you adore your parents as a child or a sibling you can’t imagine living a day without.  Love is invisible and can cure the deepest of pains and comes is so many different forms but hard to articulate. One of the greatest truths we can learn is that love comes from an unending source.  You simply cannot use up love.

Little girls often begin fantasizing about “love” at a very young age due to all the “fairy tale” movie endings out there.  They dream of what it will be like to meet their prince charming, what he will look like and the qualities they want him to possess. This often clouds our ability to recognize it when it crosses our path.  It may not look or feel like who or what we’ve envisioned.

What I have learned about love is that I have an abundance of it in my life, in many forms and I know how incredibly blessed I am. What it has also taught me is that I am not in charge. The people that I am supposed to love come into my life at different times for different reasons. This helps me to remember there is a greater plan for me and the more I try to control it, the less open I am to possibilities.  During the times that we do not “feel” love, it may be working hardest on our behalf.

What are the sure signs of love?  There is a passage in 1 Corinthians in the New Testament of the Bible that describes it well:  “Love is patient, kind, humble, not seeking to glorify itself but always seeking to do good for the beloved.”  Are you lucky enough to have someone in your life who meets that description?  If so, are you taking full advantage of that opportunity to have someone love you unconditionally?  Remember, you may find love in the most unexpected places!

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

As October comes to a close it is important to be aware of the facts about breast cancer.  You can lower your chances of breast cancer by knowing more about this disease.

Here are some breast cancer facts:

-One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point.

-Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women.

-Breast cancer is the second leading cause of death for women after heart disease.

-Each year over 220,000 women in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer.  More than 40,000 will die.

-An estimated 2,150 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 410 will die each year.

This is the bad news.  Now for the good news!

-Breast cancer death rates have been declining since 1990.

-The decline in breast cancer deaths has been attributed to better screening and education.

-A monthly breast self-exam is one of the best ways to beat breast cancer.

-If breast cancer is detected before it reaches Stage 3, there is a 93 percent chance of survival.

-If breast cancer is detected before it reaches Stage 4, there is a 72 percent chance of survival. This means that all but the most advanced cases of breast cancer have nearly a three in four chance of survival.

-A healthy diet and good exercise are shown to prevent many types of cancer, including breast cancer.

-New advances in treatment mean that a breast cancer diagnosis does not mean an automatic mastectomy, and chemotherapy drugs do not automatically mean hair loss and sickness.

You can show your support for breast cancer awareness in October (or any months) by wearing a pink breast cancer ribbon.  Remember to support breast cancer research and to perform monthly breast self-exams in order to best protect yourself against breast cancer.  While opinions are divided on mammography for young women without a family history of breast cancer, older women should have a mammogram as often as recommended by their doctors.

We can beat breast cancer.  Knowledge and a positive attitude are the best ways to fight this disease and give support to others who may be suffering!

In my upcoming book Beyond Believing breast cancer is a large part of the story. Learn more about the upcoming launch by clicking here!

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“The guardian angels of life fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.”

~Jean Paul Richter

The idea of a guardian angel is not new.  From ancient times, people believed that there were higher orders of beings that watched the activities of mortal men and sometimes even intervened.  While many of ancient man’s depictions of the supernatural have been dark or frightening, the idea of the guardian angel has always been one of peace, love and comfort.

I know I have a guardian angel.  His name is Dan. He was a wonderful friend for the first twenty-three years of my life until his life was tragically cut short by a car accident.

Dan is around me every day.  He has given me signs to let me know that he is watching over me and comforts me even though he is not physically with me.  I cannot imagine a day without him to guide me!  I ask him questions and sometimes I even specify how he should answer.  The more I open myself up to him, the more he communicates with me.

Whatever you believe, the concept of guardian angels brings comfort and strength.  Those who are ill, in danger or simply sad can think about the intervention of a beautiful heavenly being.  By focusing on this being, it is possible to receive positive energy and strength to meet almost any challenge.

Tell me about your guardian angel and how they communicate with you in the comments sections below.

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