Sharyn Wolf's Blog

I finished my book tour for my most recent book, "Love Shrinks: a Memoir of a Marriage Counselor's Divorce", and I was on around fifty radio stations talking about my divorce and divorce in general. My own divorce seemed so idiosyncratic to me that I didn't imagine so many people relating to it, but I found out I was wrong. Many of the listeners said they had divorces that were a lot like mine. They also had no sex for years and a deep attachment despite that. They also had horrible fights and some very good times all the way through. They also had generally bad will and unfailing optimism at the same time. And, many divorce-bound marriages were very different--there was no fighting or the divorce came on suddenly or there was an affair that ruined the marriage. But there was a main core that we all had in common, the marriage-dooming behavior, and I'll explain it here.



As a marriage counselor, I have an important basis for my work that I use with all my couples. I train them to think in threes: What's good for you, what's good for him and what's good for the relationship?



Take the case of the intrusive mother-in-law. She calls at 9 a.m. on Sundays and in the middle of dinner. She must talk to her son four times a day, and she won't take the hint. The wife screams, "It's your mother. It's your problem. Do something now." The husband screams, "Leave me alone. Your mother calls, too." The husband does not want to deal with it or he's afraid to deal with it. The wife does not know why it is so hard for him. She is on "explode" every time the phone rings. He is on the defensive and ready to take cover.



Using my model of "what's good for you, what's good for him and what's good for the relationship," the story would unravel like this: What's good for the wife is to have the husband deal with it. It's his mother. What's good for the husband is to leave it alone--to do nothing. But then you have the third lens: What's good for the relationship? With this lens, the problem must be dealt with as it's causing a lot of fights and tension in the marriage.



Therefore, a third line of inquiry is required. Maybe the wife should call, maybe they should call together, maybe they should go over and talk to the mother, maybe they should agree to do nothing, to leave things as they are...it doesn't matter what they do. The point is that they revisit the problem in a new way and do what is good for that third entity, for the relationship.

When couples think in three's it calls for an entirely new set of behaviors that rely on cooperation. They are acting for the marriage instead of for the individual in the marriage.



This "thinking in threes" is what the talk show listeners and I did not achieve. We didn't do it. Looking back, since I use it in my work, I certainly tried to use it at home. The problem is that both partners require a cooperative spirit. You can do it on your own for a while and your partner may eventually jump in. You should give that a try before throwing in the towel. But you can't have a good, working marriage on your own. Eventually, both of you must think in threes whether you call it that or not.



And that, my friends was my big universal find on my book tour and my big loss in my marriage.

This "thinking in threes" is what the talk show listeners and I did not achieve. We didn't do it. Looking back, since I use

On May 24th of this year I wrote a piece for the Huffington Post called, "Why the Sex in Our Marriage Disappeared." It described an eight year marriage with little to no sex and the events leading up to that sorry state. I had 485 comments on the article in the Huffington Post and another fifty that came to my website, www.sharynwolf.com. Most were in support of my story and very empathic, although a substantial number of people said, "you stole the best years of his life" and "I'm sick and tired of the man being blamed..."



I would say about half the responses to the article were from other people caught in sexless marriages. There were an infinite number of reasons that they gave; one partner had been caught cheating. The wife went through menopause and the husband says she lost desire. Fighting kept them in separate beds. An illness made sex difficult. And, sometimes there was no discernable reason. The sex just died. And, each person who wrote me said that no one but they knew what was really going on behind closed doors. These couples appear to be happy and their lack of sex is a total secret to the world. Many said they could not believe that the whole world saw them as well adjusted couples when they were anything but. Some couples were miserable in this status, while a decent number had become numb to it long ago and took it for granted. Some even said they had good marriages and that sex was a very small part of what makes a good marriage--companionship was much more important to them.



For the people who do not know why the sex died--for whom there is no understandable reason for the change, I would first recommend that both partners get a full physical. There are all kinds of medical reasons, not to mention a number of medications that tamper with desire. If that's not the case then I would name anger as the probable cause. When we are angry we withhold sex as a way of withholding closeness and as a means of punishing our partner. I know I was angry, and I bet you can find your own anger without having to look too deeply.



A number of people also commented that I did not confront my fiancé (who would later become my husband) about cheating on me when it happened. Well, you can't fit everything into an article like I did in my book, "Love Shrinks," but I shouldn't have omitted that. I definitely did confront him in completely useless ways. I cried, I raved and I ranted. None of that was helpful, although all of it was understandable. I was distraught. We did make one appointment with a couples therapist who turned out not to be a very good one.



"He cheated on me when he was in Japan," I said mournfully.



"Can you live with that?" was her reply.



"He made 1-900 phone calls behind my back," I added.



"Can you live with that?" was all she said.



My anger shifted from him to her, which was not a good thing. Hating her took my mind off how angry I was with him. Instead of letting him off the hook temporarily, I should have searched for a better therapist.



Many people asked why I married him anyway--after he had done these things. I am not sure I can make anyone understand because most of my reasons are bad ones. I had moved all my belongings from Boston to New York to be with him, giving up my apartment and my life. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened so I kept silent. Mostly, in spite of what happened, I still loved him in some neurotic way.



I was not a psychotherapist at the time. I was a singer. I didn't have the insight to know better, and I was already damaged from my earlier life so I had little common sense at that time. I fully admit my part in this. I should have known that the lack of sex was very important and the fact that I couldn't get myself to have sex was a serious symptom of something very wrong with the relationship. But, I was in denial. You are right. I should not have gotten married. In fact, I went to social work school to heal myself. I thought by learning to help others, some of it might rub off on me, and I'd learn why my decisions and behavior were so damaging. That was a long time ago--twenty years, and it seems a lifetime. All of this did not happen last week.



As to why he stayed with me, only he can answer. I think he stayed with me because he loved me too, and I believe many of the respondents to my article are wrong in thinking that he cheated on me beyond a little porn. I have the feeling that he suffered in silence as did I. In fact, while some couples are joined to honor and obey, I think we were joined to suffer. We'd grown up suffering and it was what we were used to. I don't think, at that point in our lives, we knew any other way to be together.





Sharyn Wolf is the author of Love Shrinks: A Memoir Of A Marriage Counselor's Divorce

"Can you live with that?" was her reply. "Can you live with that?" was all she said. "He made 1-900 phone calls behind my

Let me explain the sex life I had with my ex-husband. During the official 8 years of our marriage, my husband and I had sex three times. Two of the times I remember. The third--well, I'm just guessing there had to be three.



It's hard to talk about this. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband or to shame him or myself. But this failure at physical intimacy does seem shameful, inexplicable and humiliating.



There is a universal code in sexless marriages, and the code is "don't tell." But it can be tiring to keep such a secret. Moreover, to my great surprise, when I admitted this idiosyncrasy of my own marriage in the Huffington Post back in March, I received numerous letters from other people who were in the same boat in one way or another. There were countless couples who also were not having any sex. Many of the couples were still married.



In the very beginning, my ex and I were like any other couple. We had sex all the time. Our lovemaking was happy and we were satisfied with how it was going.



Then my ex went off to Japan for business, and I started snooping through his things. I realize this was a terrible thing for me to do. No one snoops to find the theater ticket he was going to surprise you with. We all snoop to find something that will break our hearts. And that's exactly the something I found. I found a letter that revealed that he had cheated on me on a previous Japan visit, and I found a phone bill with 1-900 calls on it.



This led to a phase of no sex.



Many couples have a phase of no sex.



Our phase lasted thirteen years. This consisted of several more years of our dating and nearly our entire marriage.



We should have gone to therapy right there and then.



We should have gotten the help we needed.



I cannot tell you why we did not.



In the beginning, he protested. He wanted our sex life back. But soon, he stopped and peacefully entered into a non-sexual existence.



We loved each other, but I could not get past what had happened. I did not want sex with him, but I did not want to leave him either. He wanted sex with me, but he didn't want to lose the relationship and was willing to pay this price. The fact that he was willing to pay it for so long suggests to me that he has some issues of his own around this topic



The reason I took this tough position was that I had been sexually molested as a child and when my husband cheated on me, I emotionally began to see him as a predator--someone who would hurt me. I could not get this awful picture out of my head. I started acting like a three-year-old, a child to whom nothing terrible had happened yet. My husband joined me there, and, instead of sex, we had a houseful of stuffed animals that made us happy.



At one point, though, I became interested and approached him. At this time, he was not interested at all and did not want to talk about it. So we both had periods of feeling sexual and periods of wanting nothing to do with sex.



But I do believe healing is possible. Despite our insurmountable obstacles, there was this one time we almost reconnected. It was ages ago, before I became a psychotherapist. I was still a jazz singer. I had a gig in another town and he came with me. For the first time in years, we found the way to each other. I did not push him away. I allowed myself to feel that, for the first time, he was enjoying me--not just that I was a female, but he was actually making love to the essence of me. It was the first time I had an orgasm with him and I must have told him I loved him a thousand times.



Then we came home to our ugly apartment with the filthy dishes, overwhelming dust and all those terrible memories. I pushed him away again. He said, "You know why you are doing this--because we got too close."



I just could not come back to him in any grown-up way.



Today I understand. In the hotel room, there had been no cheating, no 1-900 calls, no childhood molestation--a place of safety for us.



The hotel room was enchanted. The spell only worked when we were there.



Every couple who doesn't have sex has reasons far beyond the simple one that they just stopped or weren't turned on by each other anymore. I would wish that people would understand the complexities in us all and find out more before they judge.



Sharyn Wolf is the author of Love Shrinks: A Memoir Of A Marriage Counselor's Divorce

The hotel room was enchanted. The spell only worked when we were there. Then we came home to our ugly apartment with the

I didn't hate my husband when I filed for divorce. In fact, I still loved him. What an awful spot to be in. We had not been together in any meaningful way for years, but I managed to stay in love with how we were in the beginning of our relationship. I was unable to update my internal photo to how things were in the present.



In the beginning, we were like teenagers in love, giggly and happy, sending cards back and forth, more than willing to bend over backwards for each other. Unfailingly optimistic, I still thought we could get back there.



When it comes to divorce, I guess every couple has a last straw. Sometimes, two or three last straws. Here's one of mine: My husband was away in Tokyo on business when a letter came to our home from the IRS. His name was always on the envelope, and I usually left that stuff to him (I've learned better since then). But, since he was away, I opened it. The letter said we owed $30,000 in Federal back taxes and hadn't paid our taxes in two years. I thought this must be a mistake. I quickly called the IRS and found out it was true. Swearing to them that I knew nothing about it, they said that I qualified for "The Ignorant Spouse Act." I told them to just sign me up for "The Stupid Spouse Act" and call it a day.



Then I started snooping for evidence. My husband had left his brief case home and, for the first time, I opened it. There was the envelope with our taxes, stamped and ready to go, and yet it had been sitting there like that for a full year. I quickly called New York State and found out the same thing was true with them. We were more than a year overdue.



How did this happen? The mechanics are easy to explain. I always filed my taxes on time before we got married and after we got married, it became a big fight between us because he was never ready to file on time. He always needed extensions. So, I wrote a check for my portion of the taxes to him and that way he could just submit them when he was ready. He, a master procrastinator, never got ready. I, a terrible account balancer, never noticed the money had not been withdrawn from my account.



I felt betrayed and furious. In the past, whatever conflicts we had just affected my mood. Now our differences were affecting the safety of my home and my practice, since my office was in my home. The letter had said they were putting a lien on our condo.



Hours later, I called back the IRS to ask them what they were going to do. This is what they told me: We will go after him, but if he doesn't pay, you will be responsible, and we will come after you.



I decided to set up the slow program of paying them off rather than take the chance of accruing even more debt. I also decided to sign up for the slow program of getting a divorce. How could I be in love with him after he put us in this kind of jeopardy? But, I waffled back and forth between love and hate and it was very hard to leave him.



My husband didn't want a divorce and he said I was breaking up our family -er...we had two dogs. Finally, I made a decision. I would try one last "save the marriage" vacation. We had always done very well on our vacations, and we loved to do the same kinds of things. I thought that one great vacation might rekindle the spark or, at least put us back on the right track.



I booked a honeymoon suite in Costa Rica. We had both always wanted to see a rain forest. My husband said he was very busy but he would make the time to go with me. As the date of departure got closer and closer, he got angrier and angrier. He saw my plan for a vacation as an unreasonable demand with no flexibility. And, that might be true. I said the only way I would consider staying married was to see how we'd do on this trip.



When the day of the flight came, I boarded the airplane alone, my husband promising to follow a few days later. When a few days later came, I was still alone. I spent the entire "save the marriage" vacation by myself. When I returned from the vacation, I called a lawyer and set up an appointment. After years of going back and forth, back and forth, and never having the nerve to move forward, I was out.



Even today, this story hurts, but I know we're both better off. He is living with a girlfriend and my hope is that they are very happy. I am celebrating the publication of my new book "Love Shrinks: a memoir of a marriage counselor's divorce." We are both in much better places.