Joy Leftow's Blog

What Is It Like

I’m a rightfully accused self hating bitch,
mistreated, abused, neglected, recused, ignored and unwanted—
never wanted – since my birth – told by my mother,
I didn’t want another child I couldn’t afford to feed.

Years wasted – never understanding, a child forced to be adult
yet have a child’s mind
With no escape from who they were and who I was –
Unliked all around, fat, unattractive,
recall feeling happy when two girls approached me
alone in the school yard, said would you like to come to a lollipop party –
my mouth open to reply – surprised two popular girls would talk to me –,
scorn uniting their eyes upon me, they laughed loudly – storming away
yelling “sucker” I never knew what they meant or even what they said
because it made no sense to me – or should I say slow sense

Relieve me of my memories that intrude on my soul –
trail me, refusing to let go – the worst remain the longest

What is it like to be alone with many around
To have a mother so sick, so miserable she couldn’t care
Could not see aloneness
Told me I was unplanned for, unwanted
A dad so lost in his own mind he could not see me
except to know he helped create me

What is it like to have a life so blessed with sadness
a little kindness can comfort

Lord, what is it like to be lost in a sea of mankind
to take the road you wish you’d taken
What’s it like to have kindness and graciousness combined
Bestowed upon you for its own sake
To have someone care for you the way you wish you’d been cared for
What’s it like to know love, to be loved, to have that connection
you long for but never had
Where do you find it Lord. Is love found through prayer
And where is the soulmate I seek?

 Author's Note:

In a time when history is being rewritten, books are being banned, and voices silenced—I wrote this poem to push back. I don’t write for comfort. I write to remember, to call out, to testify. This piece is my reckoning—with the world, with injustice, and with myself.

Refugee in My Own Life

I’m a walking poem,
navigate the world with flair & intensity.
Combine it with swirled empathy,
mix in some fantasy, mind high density.
Lost in the immensity of sensitivity.

Creativity – diversity ignored,
difficult to withstand or understand animosity.
Lack of deniability or accountability.
Pray for solidarity in a world so complex.

Like a refugee in my own life,
can’t contain all the strife,
seek a perfect bite of life.

Equality is viewed as culpability.
Equanimity—a forgotten skill.
World a difficult pill to swallow.

The time is nigh to get up on high—
diversity now outlawed,
due to racism and fraud.

Maya Angelou, political activists, philosophers—excommunicated.
Passed 60 years outdated – filled with hatred.
Mein Kampf cultivated.

History teachings decimated, destroyed.
Banned books strive to erase what happened.
So many frustrated.
An imbalance of justice prevails.

This administration pales.
Live in a world where peace curtails.
Mind alive and rich, full of detail.
O’ ne’er will I fail or derail.

Must struggle forward to face
immortality ‘fore I turn to dust.

Woman is not less than man, yet treated so.
We are only human, not good and evil.

Rapacity controls men—
wonder how long before we’re all banned
from the grandstand,
live in a wasteland,
given the backhand
in a game we’re unfamiliar with.

Our great nation,
like an ablation of my mind—
need a vacation
from the aggravation of blaxploitation.

Not worth the energy I expend
as I extend myself.
Feel a stranger to myself
in a strange land.

Please Lord,
I need time to heal.

Comments: If this poem moved you, made you think, or stirred something inside—I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to share your reflections or how it resonates with your own experiences in the comments below.

 Grow me a new spine

Oh Lord, won’t you please grow me a new spine 

I’d feel oh so fine

My other spine’s a mess, no longer works fine

Give me cages with stem cells

a futuristic design 

Be able to toe the line 

It’d be all mine 

Built to the nines 

Surgery ain’t sweet like pine 

Ok with a few glasses wine 

Body climbing vines

Mix my DNA with some stem cells

I’ll be ok, aged like fine wine 

build me a new spine 

pain is the bane of my

Existence even a cane doesn’t help 

abate the pain can’t feign my way through 

exasperation coming through to a new view 

hard to stay sane it’s all loss and no gain 

Moving fast down the sane lane 

I’d feel ~oh so fine

Be able to toe the line 

It’d be all mine 

Built to the nines 

Surgery ain’t sweet like pine 

Ok with a few glasses wine 

Body climbing vines

Mix my DNA with some stem cells

I’ll be ok, aged like fine wine 

build me a new spine 

pain is the bane of my

Existence, even a cane doesn’t help 

abate the pain can’t feign my way through 

exasperation coming through to a new view 

hard to stay sane, it’s all loss and no gain 

Moving fast down the sane lane 

Note: I'm having extensive spinal surgery on Monday where 3 discs will be removed and 3 cages put in. Interestingly this poem was written before I knew about this possibility, where the spine regrows through the cages. 

Amen and Amazing!

 The Mess of My Life

Is it my life’s purpose to participate in the unmitigatedness 

of this entire mess, less of life than I desired 

The older I get, the more stuff gets crammed inside my head

Nothing I can do, live with the dread

process the grief, the stress depresses me to see 

underhandedness of people who surround me

in for a penny – in for a pound

lose my mind, in an abyss of fear

lose ground all around

like a throwaway thingamajig 

each day past means one day less than the rest

each day less of me remains

new campaigns seek re-election every day

seek relief and see none

Life a very, very, long dry run

Used for sex, thrown away afterward

Relationships sought and denied

In lieu of instinctual, reciprocal sexual favors

Craved for more complex relationships too

a joke on two, who do you say did the dirty deed of wanting all of me 

more than my dream come true, different nightmares

invade my space, my hullabaloo, my valuable time 

I wonder if this mess, this less sunshine every day

See what’s left of the unmitigated mess

Done with tests although always tried for more

Did the best I could. It was never enough to see me through 

to better days desired

Make my way through the door, seek that more and 

realize time is brief

Here’s the rub -heroes of our own lives, we grind our way 

a life confined 

prisoners assigned to our demise

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

A throwaway and stowaway in my own life

I gotta make it through – to the rainbow ridge

Wish I could streamline, unwind the process of this mess

Take a different test, rewind the tape 

Do anew the test of fate thrown in my face

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

Too sick for the nightlife, don’t miss it

Always someone’s wife, always avoid lowlife, 

live with stress of the mess

A throwaway, a stowaway in my own life

 PEACE TO ALL SENTIENT BEINGS

Summer’s here but living’s not easy

Humidity abates here and there,

The air’s pretty hazy

Times Square is still pretty sleazy

Closed public seating there

Get all our food – from who knows where

When I think about it, get scared

Easy times are rare

Life’s very unfair

Especially for animals on factory farms

Want us to think our meat is here by charm

Nothing’s very clear

If we were to witness animal’s suffering,

Their atmosphere, no space, no air,

Living in their excrement

How many of us could bear

The suffering, does anyone care?

I sit here in my chair waiting

For the rain to come to clean

Dirty city air

While wild horses are corralled

by helicopters in the air

Taken to slaughterhouses in Mexico

Denied food or water, hundreds of thousands

By our inhumane society and made into dog food

Marilyn Monroe, a humanist through and through

Exposed this in her last film, the Misfits, in 1961

Look it up online at American Wild Horse Preservation

Trying to deal with so much cruelty

Horrors, animals’ torment

The world’s not what it’s meant to be

Take a deep breath,

Ask who cares?

How do us humans dare?

 I’ve Got Too Much To Do To Constantly Look Out For U

The ACLU needs to look out for U

I can’t do it all, there’s too much on my plate

Events redefine themselves

Replay inside my head

I want to re-possess my thoughts

while I obsess about U & 

U wait for me to go out so U can watch porno

Ur best friend at work wrote U up for killing a mouse

For challenging a student who dissed U

In my eyes, she set herself apart

As another Dubble X hoe

The last straw to get U off-track

Ur best friend stabbed U in the back

Her pursuit of a married chocolate-skinned supervisor

Forced her to write a report against U

Lil’ C kept a proprietary view towards U

A subterfuge of friendship when really 

All U shared were Ur sexual obsessions 

She bragged during our 1st phone conversation that U gave her money 

And that she did that to make Ur ex jealous

Lil’ C made it clear to me she could have U if she wanted to

Confident U were all up in her shit

I wanted to ask her Y’d she'd take Ur money if she’s Ur friend

but stayed quiet at Ur unspoken request

U said U had to have one friend @ work

She texted U at 5:30 am, weekend 

After weekends – while I shared Ur bed

“R U awake,” she texts eager to share 

The lurid details of her most recent sexual conquest 

Confides in Mr. Porno-head about her nights of drunken’ love & lust

how she awoke on the bathroom floor in her own vomit

After her pussy was sucked & fucked 

Texts U B-4 she falls asleep 

R U awake, I kicked them out

Kicks out the dicks who fucked her pussy on the bathroom floor

U know what’s in store

Except for Pernet, her Indian lover 

Who is the only one who does what he wants to do with her

And when he’s through fucking her he kicks himself out immediately

Mr. Porno-head is so enticed 

Tells U how Ur ex-girlfriend's large breasts excite her 

U took vicarious pleasure in her marvelous sexual descriptions

She outlines in detail the various sexual positions 

Pernet roughly shoves her into 

Tells you she really digs the roughness you see 

all the other men R in such awe

they can’t excite her sexually

Mr. Porno head Ur so enticed

U said her motives were platonic 

She never lusted after U

never wanted to fuck U - never wanted to be Ur lover

U tell me there’s something repulsive, 

dark & ugly beneath her exotic beauty –  

Said last time U saw her she draped a silk scarf around Ur neck

Pulling Ur face closer

And when you pulled away and said you had to leave

She said, “let’s take it from the top.”

U pretended nothing was said

Refused to dip Ur sweet dick into her wet hole

I was there beside U in bed the morning she 

Called at 6 am after Pernet had left

She saw him on her subway ride with a pure-blooded Indian beauty 

Told U she intended to go back to him

U warned her against this

Told her U were disturbed & worried 

She’s got so many men

Chillin & waiting to get laid every day at her place

“Yes,” I responded, “I know, U became part of her entourage.”

U laughed, agreed it happened for a minute 

“She’s so promiscuous,” U say, U “worry for her safety”

I say “U can’t take care of her 24 – 7, U can’t take care of Urself.”

U continue telling me the story

“She says I use my son as an excuse not to chill with her on the weekend

She told me the elevator man at work threatened to rape her

The maintenance man too,” U worry

U were homesick when she called @ 10:00 pm to have a 25-minute phone conversation 

about some Mexican on the train who jerked off to her as she walked by

Mr. Machismo, Ur other alter ego, vowed to protect her 

The same way U vowed to protect me

U’d said U’d kill anyone who came near us

Mr. Porno-head Ur so enticed 

Her stories R so interesting 

So innocent U didn’t see what was crystal clear to me

Until she stabbed U in the back

U said U never saw the knife coming

Mr. Porno-head is in despair 

he’s taken flight for a minute 

Did she become jealous when U became my Romeo alone 

Was it then she became Ur Mercutio instead

U said U never saw the knife coming

Despite Ur many requests that she visit during Ur illness

U kept telling her she should meet me

& she agreed but never came once; I was here

My energy is my essence it’s alive strong - powerful

U feel me burning & I burn U in return

Ouch feel me, U’ve felt the power within

Who else could or would take care of U like that?

I’m the real thing not the fake conqueror of men

Mr. Porno – head is insensate, blind

I memorize Ur face with my eyes

Because it changes instant to instant

I have to recall the many U’s existent 

Ur beauty overtakes me

She saw U’d become addicted to me

Already knew I’m addicted to U

U became addicted to my charms

As U stayed within my arms

I’ve become Ur drug of choice

Specificity is not the answer

Hard to stay focused, too many things to focus on 

my mind swept up in strong currents 

Some things matter more than money monarchies 

Make my dreams reality

Love integrity lost in melodies of pageantry,

Empathy dissolved in a legacy of zealotry

There’s a fatality of sanctity 

Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 

Heart is a siren, beats with desire 

Tired of infighting, stir the fire of love 

Israel’s religious history is here for all mankind 

should search to find their way out of a bind  

Stay on the peace grind at the center of mindfulness, 

All religion winds down to similar precepts 

my life seems an open book 

I say it’s written in an ancient language translated by my soul 

Stop thinking it’s so simple to define me 

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars amidst fuchsia blossoms 

Leaves fall from dogwood trees 

A white turtle dove flew into my hand, came from above, 

hovered a second or two 

Do you think I’m in love again?

I am a tree receiving light

Or perhaps just an image of delight

I follow through on life's extensions

resulting in awareness of different dimensions

Where are the remnants of my rational power?

Perhaps I lost them as I ascended the tower

There I became imprisoned by tension

while I pondered, was logic my pension?

Now, I may feel alive and free 

Or sometimes as rooted as a tree

three hundred years old in all its splendor,

While I look at my heart and search for its mender

Do I truly love desire or care?

Is it only that I feel my cupboard base is bare?

When I dwell on spiritual elements compounded;

I remember that God has created men well-rounded.

Then reason declares desires and fears well-founded:

And I know everything is previously included and far ahead accounted.

Life's round of births and deaths, and beginnings do deceive some,

But the question remains, despite all, ... Is there an end to receive one?

 IS THE WORLD GOING CRAZY OR IS IT ME

Stop asking so many questions or

I could begin to think you’re a cop

I can’t think up the answers that fast

Are you the prosecution or what

Stop looking into my eyes so deep

Like you can see through me

Crinkling like cellophane my body withers before you

You want answers to your questions or what

What are you trying to see

Is it the I in you

Or the I in I

Please see I’m only trying to bring the situation to fruition

It just takes a little more preparation

Forever searching for direction

It’s making a huge impression on me

How many decisions do I have to make

No, I’m a grown woman I don’t need permission

I don’t care about your trepidation

I’m searching for liberation

Haven’t found it anywhere

It’s not as clear as it used to be

I thought I was so aware

It isn’t always fair either

Too many discussions

Deliberations on the same old themes

Wars & losses, poverty, and gasoline prices

Dresses & designers, writers & artists

Vacations & lives, returning home again

Our time and space is limited,

We’re here on this earth to enjoy life do

What we can, our minds so full of clutter

the glimmer the shimmer outside

draws into the glow

mostly it’s all show

sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us

I couldn’t see that book that’s clearly right

there on the bookshelf where you left it before

after we looked and looked;

neither of us could see that book right there on the shelf

right there on the shelf

looked once then twice we saw nothing

Looking through the glass pane window

Should I should go in or wait out here

Alone in the rain of my life

The drops glistening on my skin

Should I join the crowd inside

Watching diamonds in the rough

Watching is never enough

give me a moment or two

I’ma go rearrange the universe