Abigail Eckstine's Blog

For the first time since coming out years ago, I don’t think I will be going to Pride. June has had a special place in my life for a while now, although it’s really more like August because in my hometown of Eugene, they celebrate Pride in August. Coincidently the event also took place around my birthday which made for an easy way to celebrate both. Have fun with friends, go to Pride, drink a bunch and celebrate. This year I’m almost two years into my parenting journey, I haven’t slept through the night in about that long, I’m working outside of the house and I’m so so tired. 

Last year I attended Pride (in the correct month) in Kansas City with my partner and our baby. It was a special event because we went with our polyamorous friends, and it was Danny and Baby’s first time attending.  The event was huge! Much larger than any I’ve gone to before, the heat was sweltering, despite us attending purposely in the evening, and very very overwhelming. My already fragile nervous system was put on high alert being with so many people in such a loud situation. There was a huge stage and the kind of booming music you hear in your chest. Everyone was dressed up, dancing and having fun. While I worried about the noise level and my baby, and about mosquitoes and too much heat. I felt out of place with my worry and my exhaustion. 

I’ve never felt out of place at Pride before, but then I’ve never presented quite this straight before. In our group of friends at least we all bunched together and melted into the crowd, but that didn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable. And I know straight passing is a privilege so I don’t want to complain about that, but simply say it surprised me as someone who has typically felt like I was home at Pride. 

But honestly feeling my straight passing privilege was a good reminder for me. What made me the most uncomfortable was the frankly astounding amount of Pride branding by so many corporations. I’ve heard on the internet a lot about this issue, but I had never come face to face with it before. And when I saw the verizon wireless table with rainbows on it I stood for a moment wishing I had the strength to go full “Jesus in the temple” on them and start flipping tables. As it was I could only stare in exhausted parent. Which all brings me to my point of, I’m really not sure how to feel about Pride right now. 

The whole topic is incredibly nuanced, and I don’t think there’s one correct answer, nor do I think I could come up with a good answer for anyone other than myself.  Pride, for many people, is a touchstone to the wider LGBTQ+ community. It’s a welcoming event, a place where everyone is supposed to be welcome. And therein lies an issue, if everyone is welcome then are LGBTQ+ police welcome? Are corporations welcome? If we start excluding people, are we ignoring our own message? Thinking about the questions and nuance makes my mind and spirit even more tired than they already are. And I don’t want to debate anyone about it, I gave up theological discussions when I left Catholicism. 

But my mind goes back to the beginning, to the roots of our history, and I remember this whole thing started as a protest against police violence, and I wonder, what would those LGBTQ+ people think of us now? What would they say about the merch and the branding and some people saying that police should be allowed at Pride? I’m sure there would be mixed responses. And where does this leave me? What should I do for Pride? How do I both celebrate, mourn, and honor our history? 

I think what feels the best to me right now, is just to write out my thoughts and to be able to see them on paper. To acknowledge my questions, to be able to come to terms with the uncomfortability of the situation. And to realize that maybe this year I won’t go to any official Pride events (at least not the big ones put on by cities), not out of protest specifically, but simply to allow myself space and time to reflect. Though who am I kidding? I’m too tired to go anyway. 

I can’t even read a comic outside in the sun on weekend afternoon without the words of a revolution jumping out at me from the page. Maybe it only feels relevant to me because I just uprooted my family, moved hundreds of miles, just to get a bit more fresh air.

Well alright it was a more than fresh air that made us move. Shifting tides of the political landscape, a feeling that the religious right will not be stopped until everyone with queer or POC identities are silenced or worse wiped out. We escaped Missouri to be free. Only to realize the problem was so much deeper than we had been taught. And now I work three jobs trying to afford a life on the West Coast where we are supposed to be comfortable, and try to tell ourselves that we are comfortable.

We’re fine here. We get some air at least. 

My partner and I are very cis-straight couple presenting. Our little family has a mom and a dad and a kid and all we need is a little picket fence. Only we can’t afford a fence much less anything to put inside the fence. And both the ‘’mom’’ and the ‘’dad’’ have struggled with the gender binary, acting out, dying our hair, dressing up in other’s clothes, only to be too fucking tired at the end of the day to do anything more than weakly protest,

“This is not who we are.” 

 And behind us a wave of anti-trans bills are sweeping the nation, making me just a little glad neither of us have felt a need to medically transition. Will those bills make it here to Sunny Oregon? People in Eugene don’t think so. They think if we vote more and protest harder and maybe run for local office the ideals of a nation founded by Puritans will simply disappear. But I just learned that the Nike founder just donated one million dollars to a Republican candidate, which isn’t surprising but does feel like the next domino to fall. But I shouldn’t complain, it’s obviously worse elsewhere. 

Besides what’s the point of complaining? Why write anything about this at all? I want to call for a revolution but I’m too tired to do anything about it. Today I got my period and it’s a fucking bitch of a cycle. I got out of bed today and could barely stand but I’ve got to go to work. There’s rent to be paid. Groceries to be bought. My son needs outside toys and I don’t know how to build him stuff. I don’t know useful skills. I can just sit here, feed the baby I nanny, write a few pissed off words on the internet, go home and hope to some made up gods that my son will let me sleep tonight. 

Am I reviving this blog just to put something out there? Yes. Will this continue? Probably not.

After much thinking I have decided to move my focus from this blog to my patreon. I’ve been trying to do too many things and because of this have been in a state of burnout for far too long. I love blogging but it’s just not something I can keep up while trying to run a Patreon and trying to write, at least not currently as a sleep deprived parent. I want to focus more on things that I can keep interested in.

As far as Patreon goes, I have decided not to have tiers or put any of my writing behind a paywall. The option for support will still be there but no longer be the focus. I just like the formatting of Patreon and found that it’s more accessible to people. I want to write reviews on Queer fiction and non-fiction, and to share essays that I will write about Queer history and about my own identity. There might also occasionally be updates on my fiction writing but honestly I haven’t been able to write much since having my son and I don’t need to pressure myself anymore than I already do.

Thank you all for supporting and reading my blog. I will also be keeping this blog up but no longer update.  It honestly makes me a little sad to think of not posting on here anymore, I’ve been doing it for so long and I thoroughly enjoyed the years I dedicated to it.

Content Warning for talk of mensuration, anxiety and depression.

I was supposed to have an appointment today to check on my new IUD. I say supposed to because it was rescheduled (again) and at this point, I’m pretty sure the damn thing is still sitting where it should and so I declined to reschedule. The frustration of the whole situation got me thinking about my journey with using birth control and the general frustration of being a person who can become pregnant and I thought I’d get some of my thoughts out here.

My journey with birth control began probably around 5-6 years ago, I can’t remember when exactly, but I know it was after the first year of marriage with my ex-husband. I was conflicted about the decision having grown up Catholic and believing that birth control was wrong, but I was in a really difficult place with my mental health, and my ex and I knew we weren’t financially ready to have a baby. So I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and got on birth control pills. I was on these for several years before I decided to go off for my physical and mental health.

I consider myself very lucky with my experience with birth control, I haven’t had many side effects and the ones I have had haven’t been terrible. Over the years I’ve been on the pill, the Depo shot, and currently have an IUD. So many people have told me about debilitating pain, unending periods, lack of a sex drive, weight gain, depression and anxiety (which are called mood changes of course), and much more.

My side effects have been depression (but I already had that so more wasn’t that bad), anxiety (which again I already had so the change wasn’t that noticeable) lowering of my sex drive which totally didn’t bother me (actually it did but I didn’t want to admit it) and weight gain (which was also caused by lifestyle issues and the aforementioned depression). Currently, my periods have become longer and heavier as a result of using the copper IUD, but the pain hasn’t been too bad and I’m crossing my fingers that it stays that way.

Finding a safe birth control option is a hassle, to say the very least. There’s a sort of narrative that makes it sound like there are so many options and because of that it’s really just a matter of picking one and living a happy pregnancy-free life. But below that narrative is the truth that it’s really a matter of picking what side effects are the easiest to live with, and a certain amount of hormonally induced depression that may come with it. (https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2552796)

The copper IUD, which like I said earlier is my current form of birth control, comes with its own list of side effects. According to the Planned Parenthood website:

spotting between periodsirregular periodsheavier or longer periodsmore or worse cramping during your periodspain when your IUD is put in, and cramping or back aches for a few days after 

This list is pretty small comparatively, which is why I chose it. Yet while I was researching the copper IUD I saw tons of people complaining about life-changing bad effects, which was quite honestly frightening. But what is my alternative? The Fertility Awareness Method, and things like condoms, are of course options, and ones that I’ve been hearing people turn to more frequently. But neither of these work for me. Condoms are usually unpleasant and anxiety-inducing, and FAM being even more anxiety-inducing. I want to get my tubes tied, but there’s still a 15-10% chance that someday I’ll want a second kid so alas, I can not get the ol’ tubes taken care of.

I am tempted to keep on with my complaints but I suppose I should come to a conclusion soon. Still, as I sit here and try to wrap my head around some sort of an ending point I find that I don’t really have a good ending. Birth control is a complicated subject, it’s deeply personal and it’s bogged down by religious doctrine. Each person’s body is different, as is how they will react to the forms of birth control they decide to use. Some wish to eventually use their wombs and some do not. I wish that birth control was an easier topic. I wish that more studies were done on the side effects. I wish that this choice was easier.

Goodreads, Amazon, Barnes & Noble

Yesterday I finished reading Alison Bechdel’s new memoir The Secret To Superhuman Strength and I thought I’d write out some of my thoughts about it because it’s currently high on my list of Things That Are Inspiring Me.

I read this book in snatches, in between trying to get my grumpy 10 week old baby to sleep and trying to sleep myself. 

I read this book on the cold floor and red carpet while nannying a four month old. 

I fell in love with the book on page when Bechdel is talking about how she had transformed but only she could see it. She talks about her dad, her leap into transformation, all against a gentle black and grey winter scene. It’s classic of Bechdel. Thoughtful, laced with literature references, and introspective. I’m so thankful that I took a comic book class two years ago because it really helped me to look at the placement of text, the details in the panels and of course the panels themselves. All of the little details that work together to make once more a beautiful memoir comic.

Bechdel’s book is one of healing, like her other books, but in a different way. This time the book feels like a journey of healing from herself and the negative coping mechanisms she found over the years. In Fun Home she comes to terms with the death of her dad. In Are You My Mother she looks at her relationship with her mother. The Secret to Superhuman strength is a look at her relationship with herself and coming to terms with the fact that someday she will die.

This book really hit home for me because right now I’m thinking about my own path, my evolution and eventual death. The words conversation, relationship, and death, keep popping up for me. I recently watched a Instagram live done by Remodeled Love, in which the question “what is your relationship to death like?” was brought up. Now I read this book and again the conversation is around death. I feel like I need to do a tarot reading to see if the universe will whack me over the head with these messages.

I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do with these messages, but I’ll let you all know. And in the meantime I highly recommend this book. If anyone else has a love of all work by Bechdel please comment! I’d love to chat.

The past few days I’ve been listening to some podcasts and interviews and watching videos on various topics I have all culminated into this whirlpool of ideas that I don’t know what to do or where to go with. Even shows as comedic and trivial as The Great has given me things to think about. And I know that I’m onto something that will help me grow and mature as a person, something that’ll be important for my writing; and something that I want to talk to other people about. I think because I have been away from friends and had to make new friends and rebuild my life currently it’s become more important to me to have a conversation. I want to write all the more.

I have so many thoughts on motherhood and parenthood, so many thoughts on relationship and intentional relationships, I have so many thoughts on writing in history and what is important to me but I don’t yet know where those thoughts are going. But I want to be open to change into evolution.

The past year of my life has been one of massive changes and growth and there has been a lot of things that I’ve been thinking about, and a lot of things that I’ve wanted to think about, and write about. I still have more deconstructing to do. In the back of my head, I already knew this. I felt stagnant, but I wasn’t sure where to go next.

I watched an interview with Amanda Palmer this week and it got me thinking about how we heal through conversation with others and open dialogue, and I think that going forward talking more about my life will bring so much healing to me. And hopefully, also bring a sense of community that I feel like I’m lacking currently.

I’ve always tried my best to be honest with the writings that I share on the internet. When I first started this blog I was a Christian specifically a Catholic missionary, and over time I left the Church and came out as clear specifically bisexual and polyamorous. Since then I have continued to change, currently wrestling with gender identity and what it means to be a parent. There are still so many ways that I can change and I feel like talking about them will help me along the way.

So where do I go from here? I want to focus on writing that inspires me. I’m going to write a few more reviews and finish up the requests I have from Netgalley, but other than that I’m going to be cutting back on book reviews. Instead, I want to do weekly posts about what’s been inspiring me, from interviews to podcasts, to maybe sometimes books. I’m also going to be closing down my Patreon. I will keep it up so people can still read the unlocked posts, but it’s just been too stressful to keep up with, plus since the pandemic started I lost all my patrons save one (which was my parents, love you!).

I don’t want to stress to put out ”content”, I just want to focus on what makes me happy and interests me, and share it with the hopes of having a conversation with others.

Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly blog meme hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl. This week the suggested post is about something different, but I’m trying to get back into blogging more regularly (I know I’ve been saying this all year) and that got me thinking about the end of 2021. So this Tuesday I decided to talk about books I want to read before the year ends. I’ve already made my overall reading goal for the year, so now I just want to focus on reading a bunch of interesting and enjoyable books before 2022 makes it’s entrance.

1. Sacred Economics by Charles Eisenstein

This book was recommended during a talk on queer community living that I attended earlier in the year. The talk was really interesting and the people had a lot of great advice so I decided to try and find this book. Thankfully my new library has it!

2. Star Child by Briana Saussy

I can’t remember now how I found out about this book but it seemed interesting and now that I actually have a kiddo it seems like a good time to read it.

3. The Wonder Weeks by Hetty van de Rijt

This is not a book I’m going to try and finish by the end of the year but I am going to be reading it through the end of this year and into the next. My cousin recommended it to me and I’m excited to give it a try and hopefully get some help!

4. Anne of the Island by L. M. Montgomery

I’ve been working my way through the Anne series this year, since it’s probably been at least 10 years since the last time I read them all. I’m hoping to finish this book by December and hopefully finish the rest of the series next year.

5. Dawn by Octavia E. Butler

My partner Dani has been getting me back into to sci-fi, which of course reminded me of this trilogy that I’d read years ago. I remembered liking it but not much else about it.

6. Sodom and Gomorrah by Marcel Proust

Proust is an author I’ve been meaning to read forever and hopefully this year I actually do it!

7. Femlandia by Christina Dalcher

This is a book that Goodreads recommended to me and it sounded interesting.

8. The Great God Pan by Arthur Machen

Another book I can’t remember how I stumbled across. I only have 3462 books on my TBR. It’s hard to remember how I found all of them.

9. The Witch by Ronald Hutton

This book is one of a long list in my continuing studies on magic, folklore and mythology throughout history.

10. The Girls I’ve Been by Tess Sharpe

And last, but not least, a more fun fiction book. Gotta get in some YA before the year ends.

What are you hoping to read before the end of the year?

Goodreads Synopsis: Hollywood powerhouse Jo is photographed making her assistant Emma laugh on the red carpet, and just like that, the tabloids declare them a couple. The so-called scandal couldn’t come at a worse time–threatening Emma’s promotion and Jo’s new movie. As the gossip spreads, it starts to affect all areas of their lives. Paparazzi are following them outside the office, coworkers are treating them differently, and a “source” is feeding information to the media. But their only comment is “no comment”.

With the launch of Jo’s film project fast approaching, the two women begin to spend even more time together, getting along famously. Emma seems to have a sixth sense for knowing what Jo needs. And Jo, known for being aloof and outwardly cold, opens up to Emma in a way neither of them expects. They begin to realize the rumor might not be so off base after all…but is acting on the spark between them worth fanning the gossip flames?

Find on Goodreads and Amazon.

I remember hearing about this book before it was published but had forgotten about it until I saw it on last year’s Goodread’s Choice Awards. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to actually read the book until just recently. I’m so glad I was actually able to find a copy at my local library!

Something To Talk About is the perfect vacation read, cute and funny with a slow burn romance that will melt your heart. The book follows Jo and Emma, two women who work together in Hollywood. Jo is a director and Emma works as her assistant, both enjoy their jobs and are very good at them. At the start of their professional relationship both of them can see things they admire in each other, and as they get closer and develop a friendship their admiration grows into something more. I really enjoyed reading this story. I felt that both Jo and Emma were well developed characters and I loved that their relationship grew slowly over the course of the whole book. Jo is older and has a more reserved personality, it’s adorable to see how Emma brings out another side of her. And Emma is such a sweet caring person. I’m a huge fan of slow burn romances, I love longing, which almost feels like a must in a F/F romance. Give me all the linger looks!

I think part of what made this book so good is the fact that it’s written by a queer identifying author. Meryl uses they/them/theirs pronouns and according to their website writes “happily ever afters for queer folks who love women”. You can really tell that Meryl writes from personal experience of being a queer person who loves women. The story feels authentic, and I loved how realistic the sex scenes were. Thinking back I can’t remember if there is more than one sex scene or not, but the one I do remember was beautifully written. So often I find sex scenes silly or corny, so it was enjoyable to read one that actually worked.

Overall I really enjoyed this book and I can’t wait to read more by Wilsner. They are an author to keep an eye on! In the end I gave Something To Talk About four stars on Goodreads. Definitly check this one out!

Four weeks of life go by in the blink of an eye, and yet each week was so long. David will be a month old in just a few days. Having him has been both easier and more difficult than I thought it would be. It still feels surreal. The minute to minute caretaking is something I’ve done before with siblings and so comes naturally, I just do it. But then sometimes I look down at him when he’s crying and realize he’s crying for me. I’m mom. An entire world for someone. It blows my mind.

Our first month together has not been what I’d hoped for. I guess I thought because I’ve done so much caretaking in the past that this would be easier, which now I realize was naïve. But I’d read all the books and spent so much time preparing, I thought I was at least a little bit ready.

I think part of what’s made this month difficult is the fact that we had a cold go through the family. Poor David caught it and was sick for two weeks. It made sleeping difficult for him. It was painful to hear him cough and sniffle, difficult to watch him cry when he was not feeling well and there was nothing I could do but hold him.

Breastfeeding has also not gone to plan. We started off the first few days well, and then he had jaundice and I had to start supplementing, and then he had to be under the bilirubin lights for 24 hours. Technically I could have stayed that one more day in the hospital and pumped and tried to breastfeed every three hours. But at that point I still hadn’t caught up on sleep, I don’t think I’ve ever been that sleep deprived in my entire life. Leaving him at the hospital was painful but I needed sleep. So I gave them permission to bottle-feed him and went home. Since then pumping and breastfeeding has been up and down. Added on to that his cold made it hard for him to latch, and then I didn’t have time to pump. My supply has gone down despite all the pumping I do. And I like the freedom that bottle-feeding gives me. Still I can’t help but wonder if he’s missing out on some important bonding that we’ll never get back.

Despite everything being difficult I look at him and my heart is overwhelmed. He’s magic. He’s everything I ever wanted and dreamed about. Three years ago I secretly bought some baby clothes and hid them in a drawer, my partners at the time weren’t ready for children but I desperately wanted one. A few days ago I dressed David in one of those onesies.

We’re adjusting. It’s not as smooth as I thought it would be, but I’m breathing and talking through it and learning how to be.

Ever since I had first seen the birth of a sibling, about 16 years ago, I have wanted to experience childbirth. For me it seemed like a magical, powerful and life changing event, it fascinated and excited me to think of going through it one day. So when I first learned I was pregnant at the beginning of the year I knew exactly what I wanted. A homebirth, preferably a waterbirth, surrounded by family. And although David was always in wonky positions, my midwife was confident we could have a homebirth. We were all excited for the day to finally arrive.

There’s so much I don’t remember. Time didn’t seem to exist. It was just me, Dani, my mom, my midwife and my sisters going through this event. It was like were in our own world, a safe bubble where I was working to birth my son. It was beautiful. It was painful. It was the longest three days of my life.

Friday

Friday morning I started having very light period-like cramps, this was new but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I was almost a week ”overdue” and knew that I could potentially go longer because of being a first time mom. But by the evening of Friday I was getting a consistent, though not painful amount of cramps. Our midwife decided to stop by and check on baby as I was having a hard time noticing his movements. But baby was fine and so we settled down to get some sleep, not knowing if we would be having a baby in the morning. I had light contractions all night and was also leaking a little bit of fluid, which my midwife said was probably a high leak, but thankfully was able to sleep well. Little did I know it would be the last full night of sleep I got all weekend.

Saturday

Saturday morning the contractions were starting to pick up a little in intensity, it was then that I started counting them as contractions and not just cramps. But they were still irregular so I texted my midwife to update her and just went about my morning. My midwife reminded me to stay hydrated and to keep an eye on my temperature in case my waters had actually broken a little.

By noon my partner texted the midwife to let her know contractions were 50 seconds long and five minutes apart. They still weren’t very painful but they felt like the real deal and I was distracted enough that I couldn’t really text the midwife anymore. The midwife sent over one of her assistants, who arrived sometime around 1. She agreed I was actually in labor, took vitals and told our midwife she should plan on the baby arriving soon. I still felt really good at this point, I was excited, a little nervous but mostly just ready to be done being pregnant. The midwife was at a funeral so my partner and I told her not to rush and decided to just take time to ourselves. I’m so glad we did as it was a really bonding experience. 

From here my memories get hazy, but the midwife arrived sometime around 4. The birth tub was set up in the room, but we didn’t fill it up yet. I stopped keeping track of when contractions were coming and going, letting my partner do that and focusing just on working through them. That night was long and I was unable to get any sleep. Laying down made the contractions more intense and painful. But we could all still tell that labor was progressing, I was dilating and effacing well. I labored mostly in my room, doing some walking and squatting. We went for a walk outside in the evening and I went up and down the stairs a couple times to help baby get in a better position. I was able to get in the birth tub and that helped the contractions feel more manageable. I was starting to get fairly tired and the birth was starting to feel less manageable. But thankfully I had Dani and my mom to really lean on and they kept encouraging me.

Sunday

This was when things started to really get rough. By Sunday I was tired from lack of sleep and hungry. I was unable to keep any sort of food down, only able to eat spoonful of honey occasionally, everything else I threw up. I was able to dilate completely but David’s head was stuck on a cervical lip. We learned later this was because his head was sidewise. Everyone tried so hard to help me have a homebirth, at one point there were three midwives coaching me and trying to help move the lip over David’s head. We also later learned that David’s cord was wrapped around him twice, which was probably make it harder for him to descend in the birth canal.

By the evening I had given it all I could and I knew I needed some sort of help. After talking to my mom and the midwives we agreed to transfer to a hospital. The hope was that I would be able to get an epidural and be able to eat and sleep and regain strength to continue pushing later. But once we got to the hospital I was told my white blood cell count was too high and they would not be able to give me an epidural. The doctor was also worried about David’s heartrate which would go down when I was pushing. It was looking like I would still have to push for at least another hour and I knew I didn’t have the strength. David needed to come out and I wasn’t going to be able to do it on my own. I decided to have a C-section and off we went. I think it was less than an hour later and David was finally born.

Despite things going differently than I dreamed I’m not upset I had a C-section. I know it was the right decision for me and for David. I am a little sad I didn’t get to have that moment of pulling him out of the water and placing him on my chest, seeing his face for the first time before he was wiped and cleaned off. I’m a little sad that neither Dani nor I were the first people to touch him. But it was still such an amazing moment to hear him cry for the first time and to see my baby in the arms of his dad. It was a different moment, but no less beautiful. I’m so grateful to my mom who was invaluable, I would not have made it as far as I did without her. I’m so thankful to my partner Dani, it was amazing experiencing everything with him, he was my rock amidst all of the emotions and pain. I’m endlessly grateful for my wonderful midwife, and the other midwives who assisted. If you are considering a homebirth in Kansas City please check out Rachel Schwepler, she was such a strong calming presence.

David is three weeks old now and I’m so happy he’s finally here.