Gulshan Naqvee's Blog

Fall on a heap and Catch a leaf
Tonight is the last summer season's night this year,Tomorrow is Autumnal Equinox my dear!The longer, warmer days are now gone, but by the end of every day, nights will stretch for a lil long!The chilly mornings will begin our day,but children will play among pumpkins and hay!Some cozy homes will smell like pumpkin spice,but to me the outdoor bonfire excites!Near the creek where trees begin showing their branchesthe handsome turkey males will show us their dances!When years of grapes from September, October and November combine,that's when the Vineyards showcase their wines!To end my thoughts I would like to share,I have recalculated my calendar, if you care,I'm surprised that with new colors and smells that Autumn flairswhy September is not a Happy new year? (Naqvee)

 Fall on a heap and Catch a leaf
Tonight is the last summer season's night this year,Tomorrow is Autumnal Equinox my dear!The longer, warmer days are now gone, but by the end of every day, nights will stretch for a lil long!The chilly mornings will begin our day,but children will play among pumpkins and hay!Some cozy homes will smell like pumpkin spice,but to me the outdoor bonfire excites!Near the creek where trees begin showing their branchesthe handsome turkey males will show us their dances!When years of grapes from September, October and November combine,that's when the Vineyards showcase their wines!To end my thoughts I would like to share,I have recalculated my calendar, if you care,I'm surprised that with new colors and smells that Autumn flairswhy September is not a Happy new year? (Naqvee)

Ever wondered what makes you? What's your summary? Your own failures, your own success, your own glory, your own downfall and everything else that makes you the whole of you, the sum of you? You will not, only be the bright spots but also the unbright spots, the dark blotches that are in you on yourself and you can't have them removed until you are re-born again? Maybe that's what makes you whole for now. But there is something else that makes you, your acknowledgment to a ditch you are in since the time you have become responsible for your own actions. 
Yes, that ditch is called 'Me'. Once you learn the art to crawl out of it. Maybe, that day you will find the actual sum of who you are! 
Meanwhile, try to give yourself a 2 minutes break/time-out every now and then. Try to re-focus your agendas and re-navigate your paths. Keep yourself aligned to the demands of your life. Keep living, but don't forget you are still in a ditch and keep trying to crawl out of it, to know who you are? 

Our eyes are our windows to (our) souls. Whatever we see for about 99.99% convinces our mind. Our whole self and character is based on how we "see" that something. And then we adapt ourselves to it.
In human relations, after reading a lot of "literature" on how we behave and why we behave? I have come to this understanding that "Look" is the new "listen". And the skill to "listen" has actually been lost! 
Many a times we don't want to understand something that is being said, but how we "see" it literally. Reason being, how we carry our attitude is reflective of our self and how we perceive things around us. Similarly, the same goes for that other person. 
For instance, a person says he is sick, or not doing well, suffered some financial losses or maybe undergoing some medical procedures! What he said doesn't matter because when we feel sad after hearing his plight and meet him, we actually look at him, his hints and cues. If he is happy and fashionable and actually kicking, we tend to think that nothing is wrong with him, or he is an attention seeker putting a façade, annoying and to an extent a liar! Next time when he says he is in trouble, we actually think "oh .. he is fake". 
Another instance can be, when we meet a friend and she doesn't seem her usual self though she doesn't hint at anything still we overanalyze and form an opinion that "Something is off. I can see it!" Was she faking her emotions or not? 
What is the purpose of our vision then?
We appreciate or depreciate everything that we "see" but do we offer to resolve a tiny bit of mess that takes place when the meeting/event is over? For instance, how often do your loved ones/friends take care of your vacuuming in your house. Or that's not what friends are for? I'm not talking about your partner! Hahaha! Because that's for another day! But seriously, how often when you go through some trouble with your kid, does someone you know, who is in your network actually come to babysit your child? How often when you are sick, does someone actually make a meal and send it over. My question is about that genuine care which is neither anticipated anymore or expected! We just know that we all are there when we are invited to their homes or life through "message me first" but it's equally true for us that we want to "see" them only when and if we can actually entertain them since expecting them to come and help somewhatl is a question out of league! 
There are numerous solutions to all the above scenarios. There are people who will do all of this for money because it is their job but I'm wondering whether we truly act the way we sound? We sound benevolent, kind, helping and loving but do we show through our actions that we have any of these qualities! 
What qualifies your essence? It is so easy to trademark some one as selfish because we can "see" their actions but do we "listen" to our selves when we are saying something else and our intentions are just the opposite! 
People might send their "hugs and love" to you but how often do they actually arrange a meeting with you? 
Do they actually want to meet you? Or do you actually want to meet them? Why their words and actions and maybe yours don't match with your thoughts?
Maybe because they and we have adapted themselves and ourselves to those artificial emotions that we can emote but don't feel it?It's like a button which turns on the words like "aww" even when they don't find it "aww" enough? Words like great, nice to meet you, see you soon, talk to your later, amazing and gorgeous, ok, good, have fun, whatever, nevermind have become emotions and now emotions that make us act have taken a back seat. 
Maybe the eyes are hearing a lot more than they should see. We see a post we forward it, whether a religious text or some donation links. Yet, how much we act on it is also worthy of mention. 
I'm counting myself in it too. Yet, I do send "hugs and love" to some of my folk's kids and ask them to send their audio and video messages so I can see and hear them, but how often is the same reciprocated in today's world is also debatable! 
Everyday I'm trying my best to act the way I feel and feel the way I act. Some days I retreat and prefer to see and listen to butterflies, honeybees, dragonflies, baby H and puppy Belgie. As they are still genuine with me and I'm with them. Also I don't only see them but I listen to them. Their buzzing, babble and bark. 
I see but I don't over see. I hear but not over hear. I try to trust the other person and also make them aware that I will be there in case I see them in trouble. But I try not to judge them how they appear in their given circumstance because we should hear with our ears, not eyes!
I try not to use my eyes as ears and ears as only flesh!
And the journey to self understanding continues!

The Light and The Rainbow Bridge

Many of my pets like kittens, adult cats and puppies have died and were buried by my papa in our nearest grave yard! Sometimes papa will bring an ailing bird which either got hurt due to some misfortune or became a road kill and put its body with each feather intact in a shoe box and bury it. He would give them a proper funeral and never leave them to rot or decompose in a trash. He was extremely kind with those who passed away specially the mute birds and animals. 

***

Papa after coming off from ventilator on 19th April, 2020 were declared to have Bulbar Palsy and left lung failure. He was loosing his ability to breathe. He was suggested Tracheostomy because his Bulbar Palsy (throat paralysis in simple words) was causing issues with expelling CO2 from his lungs. So it became mandatory to put him on life support (Mechanical Ventilation) for his remaining time. 

Since papa didn't have a voice and became mute before his tracheostomy was done, he would write his anguish and anger on paper and tell my mom that he is just fine and there is nothing wrong with him. He was in denial himself that something so unbelievable could happen to him. He was mentally quite alert but his hyper activity would pass him out on days. Since he was already in the hospital, that was also handled there. On 26th April, 2020 finally he underwent the surgery. 

Unbelievable as it was, his courage is worthy of hundreds of salute. Life became extremely miserable for him, that he knew nothing of. Yet, he knew he was writing his last lines in the book of life.

He was discharged on May 6th 2020, and mummy had arranged 3 machines for him at home. C-Pap, Mechanical Ventilator (Portable) and his suction machine that would suck the mucous out of his lungs. Mummy had hired a nurse as a complimentary support, though papa started becoming vegetative day by day!

Few days he would wake up and see me on video call, or see my son. Few days he would sign and ask me to show my garden that had his favorite fruits trees loaded with like Plum and Apricots. All this went on till 14th June, 2020.

Just 6 hours before, we talked/signed on video call, and he said he wanted to visit me. It was 3 years since we had met in person. Too many things didn't let us meet though God made my mother meet me twice in all these years. He was supposed to be with us this Halloween. That was our plan in January 2020. But that was our plan, not God's!

Just 6 hours before, he whispered each color of the flower that he could see in my garden, he named most of them and saw my dog running and hopping with my toddler. A laugh escaped his lips. 

We said Bye to each other. It was around 8ish in my evening. I slept a worried sleep, keeping my phone near my pillow, which I was doing from last one week. 

Because I didn't want to miss that one call, which will shatter me. 

At 3:56 am, the mobile rang with a video call, and that was it. 

Just like, my paintings, my papa was still. That dynamic person who had unbelievable resource of knowledge and infinite affection over flowing like a waterfall for his fellow beings, was still. His ailing body could not keep up with eternal dynamicity and bid us adieu!

That day, I lost my papa who meant so much to me yet, I could not be anywhere near to him. 

***

Due to corona virus on its apex, our relatives, many extended friends and family members could not come. Papa's funeral procession was in a dilemma, but then God sent down his mercy and papa's funeral procession was done according to all religious rites and traditions on the same evening as it is required in Islam.

***

I suppose and somehow believe that among the people who helped to carry his coffin shoulder to shoulder and helped in his burial were somehow witness to papa's kindness towards those who were mute specially animals. 

***

I also believe that all those animals and our pets must be waiting for him at the rainbow bridge, and they all would have crossed together, towards the eternal light. 

***

Oh, I miss you so much papa!

To the infinity and beyond,When Earth revolved in its season gradually, dancing and prancing on its daily rhythms, a weird virus brought the world on a stand still. Words like Lockdown, shutdown, social distancing, 6 feet apart, sanitizers and hand washing became fresh vocabulary in our day to day life. 
Never could have imagined that a new word will be added to my personal vocabulary and that would critical care, ventilator and intensive care of my ailing father from acute bronchitis and pneumonia. Few more words became added as each day progressed without any progress in his condition like hallucinations and psychotic pain and severe anxieties.  Yes, all of these words apart from coronavirus are being hummed by me regularly because my papa, who is 73, is right now admitted in intensive care in a local hospital in New Delhi, India, where the whole country is on an extended shut down due to severe coronavirus cases!
In a time when exposing oneself to virus can turn fatal, my remaining family of mother and sister are going to and fro to hospital for doc visits and patient visits. What a tragedy when I'm afar in California and cannot do anything to relieve him from anxiety that he gets or depression that my family is going through.
But is to live in a constantly guilty state of mind and self-anxiety will be of any help to me or to my family? I do not think so! 
My papa who has always been a fitness enthusiast and lived a good life with occassional pitfalls and throwing caution to the winds on some days, must have not considered his future days to be hooked to a ventilator. He is a non smoker but has friends who smoked. But am I accusing, no. He started losing interest in eating when in 2018 my mom came from New Delhi to help with my baby boy. She stayed with us for 5 months and went back to her normal routine in New Delhi.After another 6 months I called my mom again as my hands were too full with anxiety and somewhat PPD and when she came along I started taking interest in so many things specially gardening in my new house. That topic is reserved for other blog posts to come. Well, we celebrated my son's first birthday in 2019 and then mine on 4th July and then my mom's on 3 September and then she left again for New Delhi. In October she started observing that papa's life style has immensely changed and he lost couple of pounds which were not a shock but later became the same and he started losing his voice too. 
His voice started showing signs of choked up words, so was his food and liquid started to get choked up. He started loosing the quality of his voice, and became more and more scratchy with days. In January 2020 when I wished him belated happy birthday, I felt I couldn't understand what he was trying to say. 
Though he didn't have cough and never a fever, my family back home including my father in the entire months from October to January didnt feel that something could go off so fast. Well his blood works came good and one report got ignored that said, he could is having acute bronchitis and mild pneumonia. This report along with many others didnt show up interest to doctors and due to coronavirus emergencies, doctors suspended taking patients for general check up. 
The problem in India, with Indian people and Indian medical professionals is that action is never taken on time. It is often delayed thinking that this too shall pass. Or it might be something common that doesn't need urgent attention. 
I dont think I should be ranting here, so I will stop doing that and continue to clearly tell as to what happened next.
In February, my papa started to feel shortness of breath. And everyday it would increase and increase till a point on April 5 when he thought with other family members to go to urgent care and get checked out because no doctor is giving appointment! 
His breath on 6th April was this short that while going to the hospital he passed out couple of times for couple of seconds. 
The moment he went to the urgent care, he was immediately admitted and in 40 minutes he was taken to Intensive Care Unit ICU and next 2 hours he was moved to Critical Care Unit of the hospital and hooked to a ventilator for 48 hours. 
That was how bad it was. That was how sad his life turned out to be.
If I come to think of this now, so much of pain had made me numb. 
From 6th April, till today 18th of April, 2020 he is on and off ventilator and shows some signs of progress some days and then dont show anything on others. 
So mild Pneumonia turned out to be major cause of collapse of 1 lung. Now that one lung is congested, have calcified nodes because of earlier tuberculosis in 1970s.
So expulsion of carbon dioxide is a work for lungs that they can't do. He is losing the act of breathing. He is loosing the act of digesting food. He is very anxious, hallucinating that everyone in hospital is conspiring against him.  He is very sad when ever he is conscious and he wants to break out from hospital. In fact, his endoscopy showed gastroenteritis as well. And he recently had gastric attack, he passed out for 13 hours. 
He writes questions on paper and asks my mom to answer those, like whoever family members have been informed and when they will come and how is it outside like how much is the virus spread and who is financially helping our family right now as he isn't medically insured. 
Well, all this and so much more. I will never forget the coronavirus epidemic ever because I have almost lost my papa and who knows will i eventually lose him amidst all this and he hasn't yet seen my son in person. Who looks so much like him. He is 2. 
Though the virus had nothing to do with my family tragedy but our relatives and people who can cheer him can't come and see his welfare or wish him luck because of the lockdown, for this I blame the virus. 
I'm clinging to hope. As I am always hopeful.  If you Come across this post and read it, then wish him well. Send your prayers and good thoughts his way, the way to recovery. 
Ciao

Sometimes, a pizza joint near your house is a life saver in situations when you don't wanna cook anything et al. Or when you are low in energy over all, but there is some energy left just to chew and chomp.

So pizza is nothing new even when you are on vacations, it becomes a "REAL" meal and a really hearty one :D I miss surviving on vegetarian pizza eating days while on vacation in Vegas. And, it was the first time I ever ate spinach in my pizza in 2015. I am big spinach fan but NO, that pizza was absolutely one of the worst tasting things in Vegas :) Sorry spinach-on-pizza-lovers.

So eating a pizza tonight takes me back to two childhood and a decade old memory about my first ever pizza tasting.

In India, pizza (not in the original form) entered few popular joints in the 1980's and in New Delhi we came to know the word like a snack of a dried wheat bread with ketchup topped with diced tomatoes, onions and some shredded green peppers. The size was like  6 inches and that was it with some white sauce dripped on it. (I am sure it was not cheese, because in 90's cheese was very expensive in Delhi).

The first time I ever tasted it, was in 1997, when my papa's coaching classes were on the floor above the local pizza-snack joint! He used to get us one pizza daily which was a little larger, say 8 inches. And he paid around Rs. 60 (Approx 90 cents now)! But we used to wait for him eagerly to return from his classes in the evening so we could feast on the pizza :)

This continued for a month, before the local pizza joint shut down. Or it as was papa's way of restricting us from the pizza we started to love!

In 2000's Dominoes entered the Indian market and it was monopoly time for this international giant, (so came McDonalds and our love for fries).

I remember, my papa ALWAYS wearing his blue cap with Dominoes logo, given to him as an endorsement for the first customers for trying their special (international & and expensive) Dominoes pizza. I believe it is my father who loved the pizza more than us.

Now when pizza's taste became set on taste buds,then again for the first time I tasted something very different and UNUSUAL. My sister, my then boyfriend (now husband) and me went to a mall in 2007 (in Delhi) and ate an actual Italian pizza at an Italian joint. 

On tasting it, we found that that pizza bread, sauce and toppings were pretty different then what is offered at Dominoes or Pizza Hut! And it was the first time we tasted EGGPLANTS on a pizza! For us it was pretty shocking back then. It was a true Sicilian Pizza and cost us a fortune when we paid the bill in 2007. 

I just checked on the pizza hut Indian menu, and they are adding toppings like garbanzo beans, minced spicy beef, cottage cheese and whatever Indians love on their pizza. Surprising! But never an eggplant!

For us, Pizza is still savored and relished like a "treat" and we try to save a wedge or two to eat later :D

Hello,
How strange is the word 'hello'? It can be a cheerful greeting or can be a question as Hello? But whatever it is, my experience starts from a Hello, a gentle and kind hello. 
This fellow lady standing in a plant shop gathers my attention. She was carrying so many flowers, flower pots and pot soil that I wondered where will she arrange all of them??
I kept looking for some flowers and seeds for our flower bed, but whenever I picked up a seed or plant pot and kept it back, I noticed that lady picked it up after me as if to buy it. But, she will put it back after frowning upon it.
This kept happening for another 10-15 minutes and I felt as if she was tailing on my choice but maybe I was finding some fault in them so that's why I was not buying them. She too, I felt, tried to look up and find some sort of trouble and put them back right away!
I got amused and as soon as she looked up at me, we exchanged "Hello".
But what got me, was that she didn't smile, she was just plain blank. For a second or two, I felt strange and that woman, left all the flowers, seeds and whatever she had in her trolley, I am repeating, she left everything and darted out of the shop in a hurry, as if she saw a ghost talk!!
I am still amused.

            Maintaining “friends forever” by 
              sharing insightful experiences


Friend, such a kind word in our vocabulary, that we often use but, never mean it. Only if we stopped taking this word for granted, we will in reality have many powerful friendships that will last eternally. The only thing we are missing right now is to how to gain such powerful friendship of such magical sort?

After wondering and stumbling through my own experiences with friends, I realized that one never meets a friend by Luck, though you may meet your love by luck! So how we actually meet one person that day who turns into a good friend in few days is simply a matter of circumstances.

Our circumstances force us to become friends from mere acquaintances. Some times we seek (deliberately) a person to become a friend like at school, gym or work. Reason being, it becomes boring if we don’t have someone to share our “life” with. But, we have also witnessed that a large percentage of these Friendships get over when we either change or move away and can no longer remain in touch with those friends. Communication gap meanwhile works like the last nail in the coffin. And the friendship is over!

But other times we become friends with people without any effort to be anything. Like sharing a bus route daily, spending time with neighbors, going to club regularly for a game or so and meeting new people whom you don’t have to share anything personal with. However a large percentage of people end up having better Friendships in such circumstance based meetups. Reason being, you are not forced by yourself deliberately. It just happened. You end up having the most insightful experience sharing interaction with a stranger and there you go. You look forward to meet such person/s again. And that's where real “friends forever” philosophy begin.

Living and re-living by sharing experiences with the people we call friends help to maintain good level of relationships.

Circumstances bring us together and we can take a flight from there. We know the ins and outs of such circumstances but when we talk about it, when we unload our feelings that’s when the real “us” meets the real “they”.

Just share a personal experience and see how many similar will come up.
From happy to depressed, just lucky to just unlucky, good days to bad days, from advises to suggestions! Anything that STARTs a real and genuine conversation can make you a person a genuinely worthy friend and deep down nobody wants to lose such a resourceful person. Your resource is your way of looking at life and sharing it with others, what you have learned!

Therefore, a mere hello and plus few sentences (for the sake of keeping in touch) can never mean that you know that person very well though at a time you knew them in middle school. Now it doesn’t count to be included in anything because the relationship has changed from friendship to acquaintance! And that change came because the experience sharing interaction has come to a halt. We just catch up in the most casual way but nothing is real deal.

However, the more insightful and true you become to yourself, and the more you practice an interaction based on your experience, and by listening up the other side as well, the more people will join you as friends and will be there with you forever.

Just be sure a good friend is also a good and patient listener. That’s the key to unlock the door of maintaining Friendships, the door is though made up of sharing insightful experiences and asking them to indulge as well.

Ciao~

I feel happy, hungry, energetic and out of the bed!  This is the power of spring.  So finally the winters (never my favorite month) are way behind us and this gives me a mood to ponder. Whenever Spring comes, I get into this thinking-mode. What did I do last Spring, places I was at and people I was with?  I just imagine how things will turn out this time? Curious! It's just one positive power shot I wish to give every spring. How Optimistic am I? That's the power of Spring!
Happy Power-ups to all of you!