Maria Savva's Blog - Posts Tagged "adventures-in-mother-sitting"

Meet the author: Adventures in Mother-Sitting by Doreen Cox

A few months ago, I came across a woman on Twitter who is so full of life and exudes love. She is such a fun, happy person, and I feel lucky to have connected with her. Doreen Cox is the author of Adventures in Mother-Sitting. The book is a true account of the time she spent caring for her mother who suffered from dementia. It's such an important book in so many ways, it is a no holds barred account of what a carer faces when taking on the responsibility of looking after an infirm relative. I wanted to introduce Doreen to all of you as I believe her story will help many people who are facing similar problems.

Doreen or 'Dody', as she is known to her family and friends, is such a wonderful person. Please feel free to ask any questions you many have about dementia and related carer issues in the comment section below. I am sure she will be able to give some guidance.

Here's my interview with Dody:

Your book, Adventures in Mother-Sitting, is a wonderful tribute to your late mother as well as a book about how you coped during the years you were responsible for caring for your mother who suffered dementia in the last few years of her life. I found it a very open and honest account. How hard was it for you to share your innermost feelings and experiences in a book that way, knowing it would be read by complete strangers?

Ye gads, Maria! Not saving the tough ones for last? Here goes: The experiences I encountered with my mom tore away the usual defenses that I habitually used to keep hidden any rough edges. Simply put, I became too tired to care about how I was seen by others; more so, about how I saw myself. It was akin to a massive shrug of my shoulders that, if it could have spoken, would have said, ‘Yes, this is me being human; emotionally naked.’ My mom had always wanted me to write a book, any book. Being her Care Bear gifted me with the experience of becoming more honestly human, especially to myself. The memoir is my gift to her; a sharing of the love that carried us during the toughest of times. There was fear in letting others read of my meltdowns yet somehow, more freeing for me to move through the fear.

Have you always kept a journal, or was it just during the time you looked after your mother?

My first bit of journaling was in the form of letters to my mom, beginning when I was in college and when I lived in the Washington, D.C., area. I found them after she died. Journaling to myself began in 1984 after a woman was killed in a water skiing accident in which I was the skier. It became a more daily habit when I went through a year of group therapy. Prior to Mother-sitting, my journaling habits were less consistent.

In the book, you describe your time looking after your mother as the "care bear" years, what made you choose that as a way of describing your experience?

During my first year as group counselor at an alternative school, many of our students used their earned free time to color pictures of those cute little cartoon Care Bears. I’d often bring one home to my mom. About 4 years before needing me full time, she had a very bad month yet my aunt was able to be there for her during the day. During that month, every morning before I left for school, I drew her a cute cartoon and wrote a short poem. She recuperated from those mini-strokes and began teasing me about being her Care Bear. Fortuitous?

Being someone with experience of looking after an elderly relative with a debilitating condition, did you feel that you were adequately supported by the system, or were there things that the state could have done better to help you?

I was luckier than most it seems. Having been a Public Health nurse for many years, my mom’s retirement insurance (that supplemented federal Medicare) got us through any financial tangles at the Emergency Room, Hospital and doctors’ offices. Plus, she had an excellent primary doctor and nurse, good bedside manners. Lake County is made up of small towns. I often wonder if this attracts more medical persons who are patient and caring.

If a friend came to you asking for some advice about how best to deal with caring for someone with dementia, what do you think would be the most important advice you could pass on?

Your loved one is on a journey of ‘unlearning’ whereas a child is on a journey of ‘learning.’ Be patient; listen; try reminding of correct actions yet be attuned to the point at which your loved one can no longer respond to reminders. Also, be patient with yourself. When you find yourself arguing or losing it (and you will), breath and breath through the anger and frustration; take five if you can.

From reading your blog, I know that you occasionally write short stories or poems. Do you have any plans to publish any of your fiction or poetry?

What a fascinating question! I’ve enjoyed writing a slew of fanciful short stories for the birthdays of family and friends. There is an unusual name that has stayed in my mind for several months. I’m considering developing a fantasy type of novella with this character. More will be revealed. I’ve been considering using the cartoons/poems I drew for my mom (mentioned above) and configuring a short care-type guide relating to dementia.

I know you love to read, and you're a great supporter of fellow authors. In your memoir, you said that your mother was also a book lover. What were some of your mother's favourite books?

We enjoyed the same genres: intrigue, adventures, mysteries, dramas, romances that were fun yet insightful. One of my toughest moments was when I discovered Charles Martin’s novels and she could no longer enjoy them with me. Maria, she would have loved your novel, COINCIDENCES! Other recently read books of authors I so enjoy and wish that she were here to read with me include: Julia Hughes, Flick Merauld, Jan Romes, Arleen Alleman, Diane Rapp, Charles E. Wells, Stephen C. Spenser and Helen Hanson. A few writers whose memoirs would so resonate with my mom are Micki Peluso, Madeline Sharples, and Sonia Marsh. And I have no doubt that my mom would be, like me, waiting for JT Therrien’s novel to be published! Truthfully, as I read a good book, I still hear in my mind her comments, her joy.

What do you hope readers will take away from reading Adventures in Mother-Sitting?

The knowledge that anger/frustration in caregiver situations are merely human, defenses against fear and despair; part of a journey through grief, one the begins before a loved one dies. A sense of feeling kinder and gentler towards older folks, their caregivers, their loved ones. More so, however, for a caregiver to treat her/himself more kindly and gently during any very human reactive episodes.

Do you prefer print or e-books?

I love walking into my home and being greeted by old friends, favorite books. E-books have their place in this techie world; saves trees, etc. I’m a long-time lover of the smell, the texture, the feng-shui look of books on a shelf.

You've recently started back at work after spending time at home caring for your mother. How easy/difficult has it been to adjust?

Within 2 months after my mom died, I began writing our memoir. Though this process was cathartic, after it was published, I went through a long period which I have termed as, ‘finding my way back to me.’ Family and friends graciously supported me, giving me the time and space that I needed. Around 1 1/2 years had passed and I woke up one morning with the clear words, ‘Start Twitter,’ in my head. So I did and a whole new world of information and cyber friendships have added nourishment to my life. Financially it became time for me to get a part-time job. My career experience has always been a convoluted one, so I wondered, what will I do next? Out of the blue, my new friend, Aaron, asked if I wanted him to query his boss about a job. He did and here I am, with a new nourishing vocation! I tell people that this new part-time job as TABE/GED instructor found me. I have the pleasure of facilitating the process for a multi-cultural group of adults to learn language, reading and math skills in order to obtain a high school equivalency diploma. When folks ask how I like my job, ‘Fiercely!’ is my answer. I am blessed.

What are some of the early signs to look out for that might indicate someone is suffering from dementia?

Several months before I chose to step in as my mom’s Care Bear, I came home to find her standing before a plate of meat. She said to me, ‘I don’t remember how to make this meat loaf.’ For the previous 7-8 years, she had often laughed and said things like,’ I can’t remember what I was going to do.’ She was not laughing this time; there was a befuddled look on her face that I had not seen before. I actually sensed that something different was going on with her; so senses are important. Do not discount them. Words can offer clues; yet, the affect or facial expressions that depict confusion, befuddlement can offer the best clue. Old age for most equates to memory loss. Dementia-related illness takes memory loss to a different level and can be quite subtle. Discuss this with their doctor. My experience was such that those moments of befuddlement began to come with a twist: Mother’s brain began to get cagey. When questioned, even by a home health nurse, she’d make light of, try to change the subject and even deny what she had said or done. I still get a chuckle at a memory of her walking around/away from her walker while giving me straight eye contact and clearly saying, ‘I know how to use that!’ Even while I felt despair, her brain’s responses often amazed me.

Do you have any upcoming news/events for your readers?

The e-book version of Adventures in Mother-Sitting will be available for a free download on Sunday, November 18 – Thursday, November 22, a perfect time to express the gratitude that I feel for the many gifts of spirit given me by my mom.

Where can people buy your book?

My publisher offers the paperback and has a link to Amazon for an e-book http://olmsteadpublishing.com She also has other very interesting, compelling books.

Direct from Amazon:
Kindle
Paperback

Where are the best places for people to connect with you online?

Email: dodecx -at- hotmail.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/mothersitting

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/mothersitter

Treasured Encounters blog: http://doreencox.blogspot.com

Thank you, Dody, for answering my questions

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Remember, you can download Adventures in Mother-Sitting on Amazon for FREE from 18th - 22nd November 2012