Sonia Killik's Blog

…and the land of plenty. 

After a week in the USA, I felt compelled to record my journey—or, more accurately, my astonishment regarding the general population.

I spent my time in the Midwest and won’t be so naively absolute as to suggest that this phenomenon is nationwide (Hollywood and the Military, I know, stands apart), but I would hazard an educated guess that the percentages don't work in their geographical favour. With only 12.5% of all Americans being metabolically healthy, I am confident in my observations.

I’ll begin with the positives: automatic toilets, self-checkout at most stores and facilities, and perfectly groomed streets completely free of litter. Open and friendly people exuded a genuine warmth that made me feel welcome immediately (though the TSA agents could use a bit more humour).

I loved absorbing the sights, the architecture, and the larger-than-life entertainment available almost everywhere. The free museums and public parks made me consider how my life might look if I were to live there.

However, all these amenities and systems supporting the American dream seem to have tipped the scale from first-world convenience to mindless excess. An overabundance that has continued for so long it has burst its seams and is now carried as excess weight by people mindlessly lost in consumption.

For every 1,000 people I saw, there were only a few who the rest of the world would deem 'normal' sized. The remaining portion of the population ranged from overweight to obscenely obese.

Their blind worship of food turned addiction is prolific, where the intake of one’s next meal is encouraged almost on the hour, every hour. Freeways even advertise a ‘food exit,’ complete with fast-food logos right next to the name of the road or area.

Having previously spent time in the USA, I remember the intense craving I felt within a week to eat something that had once been alive and still contained essential nutrients. This time, I felt it within just two days.

It seems America’s economy is built around food. I drove through both leafy suburbs and business districts and struggled to find any businesses other than an alarming number of dentists. But food? Food was everywhere, practically unavoidable.

It wasn’t just my disbelief at the shockingly poor quality and quantity of food, but also at the widespread misinformation that I had assumed would be common knowledge in a Western society by now.

Whether it is a piss-poor attempt to reverse the clearly visible health issues experienced by the population, or if those in charge are genuinely as uninformed as they seem, the attempt at self-empowerment via food labels is falling far short.

Each meal option displayed on a fast-food banner or perched on a shelf had a large and proud calorie count next to it. Theoretically this now equips the general public to calculate their daily intake and manage their health choices.

Sadly, it should not be calories displayed on their numerous overhead screens, but sugar content. In the few conversations I had regarding this subject, I tried to illustrate the difference between 500 calories of McDonald’s, versus 500 calories of protein and fat. A distinction no one seemed to grasp fully.

Like any conglomerate who pays lip service to change whilst smiling behind the security of profit, the addition of caloric information to menus seems a grain of sand in the cosmos when the entire city is dotted with endless refill soda fountains. Literally. Just walk up to one, choose your poison of choice and fill your over-large cup to the brim. Again and again at no cost. With free access to gluttony encouraged and allowed, I cannot see the reversal of health issues changing any time soon.

I witnessed a population burdened not only by laxity, but by an unspoken agreement that it is ok to allow one’s personal decline and consider it normal. It frightened me. Not only to consider how the future of ‘the most powerful country in the world’ will influence the rest of us, but how easily human beings can slip into a version of humanity that celebrates slothful ease over disciplined growth.

Let me revisit my opinion of their friendliness and good-naturedness, of that I will applaud. But I tend to look at human nature and the society and choices that are born from it in the long term. I can easily reflect back through history and trace cultural, gender, political, religious, and racial calamities to the belief systems and knowledge of the times. Policies, behaviours, and systems that were created by older versions of humans we can now say we are ashamed of.

And I can just as easily project our society far into the future and envisage the impact on tomorrow, based on what I see today.

Consumerism has little advantages and too many disadvantages to name here, but environmental destruction and poverty would be high on the list. A culture that salutes excess is heading down a slippery path, and America seems to have bought the wetsuits.

The truth is that healthy struggle creates greatness. Experiencing challenges produces creative genius. The right amount of abstinence results in wisdom and a deeper value system. Human environments need to encourage the pursuit of purpose that contributes towards an empathetic and responsible connection to our Earth and all those that inhabit it. This requires discipline, appreciation for what one has, and a willingness to work hard.

I could easily shift this discourse to the physiology and psychology of the human body, examining how an overweight and underused body struggles with both discipline and labor. But I shan’t. Instead, I’m thinking of the two extremes in our world—Western gluttony and the inhumane prohibitions of the Middle East. A see-saw of opposite expressions, neither of which is sustainable or in the best interest of a harmonious and integrous world. 

I see much of our human journey as a blind sprint, lacking foresight into what we are evolving into. We are caught in a relentless pursuit of ease and instant gratification that pushes us beyond the boundaries of mental, spiritual, and physical health. I don’t have all the answers—though I do have many solutions that would require me to be world president to enact. For now, I’ll use the motivation my travels have given me to stay even more vigilant on my own path.

Doughnut? No thanks.

The post The American Decay appeared first on SONIA KILLIK.

Well isn’t this nice, here we are, surviving our current era of human existence. It may be a far gentler version of the Black Plague, using the broad shoulders of Netflix, Zoom and Uber eats for our support, however, surviving we are. 

 I’m all for suffering, and personally, I am enjoying our latest and greatest human drama. No, I am not a sadist, but I am highly supportive of moral and spiritual growth. Without suffering, humans lack impetus for change; difficulty produces character, challenges create solutions, and the complete removal of relied upon realities gives the opportunity for a reset. 

The thing about reality is that it doesn’t really exist. It is a constantly changing tapestry that we all contribute towards. A bit like a kindergarten painting session where we are all fighting to use our own colours on our piece of the paper. 

I won’t digress by debating further the nature of subjective reality, and how humanity has weakened itself by forgetting its illusory nature. Because let’s face it, this article is about you, and you only really care about your reality, and your life. 

So how are you?

Have you reconnected to your primary relationships?Have you become buried by financial stress?Have you chosen to improve your health?Have you re-examined your existential philosophies?And most importantly...are you coping?

Now isn’t that a strange concept, “coping”. 

I already know the answer because you are reading this article and therefore your eyes, heart and lungs are still functioning. If you are alive, you are coping. 

The question should rather be asked; what is your experience of coping? 

“Coping” implies that you are at the mercy of external factors which will test your strength and endurance. Picture an over enthusiastic shopping assistant piling more and more items onto your arm; as your shoulders ache and you struggle to breathe under the pile of clothes they ask: “Can you carry more? Ready to give up?”

Whereas if we add the word “experience” to the perspective of coping, it automatically becomes one of internal ownership. This takes you away from being a victim of shop assistants (or god, the government, international pandemics and ex’s), and moves you into the power of choice. 

Let me adjust my question for the third time...how are you choosing to experience your life? 

Because just as there is no true reality, neither is there a real “coping”. 

Coping with what?Stress? Pain? Grief? 

Who told you that these experiences of sentient life should not exist? Who told you that they are insurmountable events that have descended upon you with the sole purpose of ruining your life? 

Life is simply...life. 

We will love, hate, fear, grieve, triumph, laugh, cry, doubt, succeed, fail, grow and die. This is the only reality you should work towards accepting. But if you are going to put some effort into adjusting your perspective of reality, you might as well reset it completely. 

Reset it to a version of yourself where you know that you have the capacity and the power to change your experience of living. A version of reality that sees you choosing to feel and think creatively and lovingly, rather than fearfully and negatively. 

If you find yourself “coping” then it is because you are believing, and identifying with, information that is, quite frankly, a lie. A lie that includes your viewpoints, perspective and thoughts.

I know that perhaps this is not the magic-pill-solution that you expected to hear, and you may feel slightly disappointed that you invested your time in reading this article only to arrive at this point to see that I am offering you only brutal reality (sans the sugar coating). 

If it is magic you are seeking, look in the mirror. 

You hold the power to take action. You get to decide what you want to think and how you want to feel. You get to be the hero of your own story and it starts with the decision to take charge of the true magic that exists within you.

Is it hard? Yes. Does it require you to be accountable and change old habits? Yes again. Is it worth it? Hell yes!

How do you begin? By creating a simple plan for yourself:

What 3 things in your life can you feel deeply grateful for? The kind of yummy feeling that floods your cells with light and tickles your skin with goosebumps. Now focus on them daily.What fear compresses your heart and fills your mind with darkness? Open the prison door and speak your fear to a loved one. You can either keep it trapped within you, or open the door to emotional freedom.How have you loved yourself? If you want the world to love you, show it how. Move your body, rest your mind, and shape your thoughts with compassion.

Your plan needs to be your plan, the world is not going to rescue you or soften its raw nature. But my darling, you can rescue yourself, there is no one better qualified.

The post The New Brand Of Human appeared first on SONIA KILLIK.

Well isn’t this nice, here we are, surviving our current era of human existence. It may be a far gentler version of the Black Plague, using the broad shoulders of Netflix, Zoom and Uber eats for our support, however, surviving we are. 

 I’m all for suffering, and personally, I am enjoying our latest and greatest human drama. No, I am not a sadist, but I am highly supportive of moral and spiritual growth. Without suffering, humans lack impetus for change; difficulty produces character, challenges create solutions, and the complete removal of relied upon realities gives the opportunity for a reset. 

The thing about reality is that it doesn’t really exist. It is a constantly changing tapestry that we all contribute towards. A bit like a kindergarten painting session where we are all fighting to use our own colours on our piece of the paper. 

I won’t digress by debating further the nature of subjective reality, and how humanity has weakened itself by forgetting its illusory nature. Because let’s face it, this article is about you, and you only really care about your reality, and your life. 

So how are you?

Have you reconnected to your primary relationships?Have you become buried by financial stress?Have you chosen to improve your health?Have you re-examined your existential philosophies?And most importantly...are you coping?

Now isn’t that a strange concept, “coping”. 

I already know the answer because you are reading this article and therefore your eyes, heart and lungs are still functioning. If you are alive, you are coping. 

The question should rather be asked; what is your experience of coping? 

“Coping” implies that you are at the mercy of external factors which will test your strength and endurance. Picture an over enthusiastic shopping assistant piling more and more items onto your arm; as your shoulders ache and you struggle to breathe under the pile of clothes they ask: “Can you carry more? Ready to give up?”

Whereas if we add the word “experience” to the perspective of coping, it automatically becomes one of internal ownership. This takes you away from being a victim of shop assistants (or god, the government, international pandemics and ex’s), and moves you into the power of choice. 

Let me adjust my question for the third time...how are you choosing to experience your life? 

Because just as there is no true reality, neither is there a real “coping”. 

Coping with what?
Stress? Pain? Grief? 

Who told you that these experiences of sentient life should not exist? Who told you that they are insurmountable events that have descended upon you with the sole purpose of ruining your life? 

Life is simply...life. 

We will love, hate, fear, grieve, triumph, laugh, cry, doubt, succeed, fail, grow and die. This is the only reality you should work towards accepting. But if you are going to put some effort into adjusting your perspective of reality, you might as well reset it completely. 

Reset it to a version of yourself where you know that you have the capacity and the power to change your experience of living. A version of reality that sees you choosing to feel and think creatively and lovingly, rather than fearfully and negatively. 

If you find yourself “coping” then it is because you are believing, and identifying with, information that is, quite frankly, a lie. A lie that includes your viewpoints, perspective and thoughts.

I know that perhaps this is not the magic-pill-solution that you expected to hear, and you may feel slightly disappointed that you invested your time in reading this article only to arrive at this point to see that I am offering you only brutal reality (sans the sugar coating). 

If it is magic you are seeking, look in the mirror. 

You hold the power to take action. You get to decide what you want to think and how you want to feel. You get to be the hero of your own story and it starts with the decision to take charge of the true magic that exists within you.

Is it hard? Yes. Does it require you to be accountable and change old habits? Yes again. Is it worth it? Hell yes!

How do you begin? By creating a simple plan for yourself:

What 3 things in your life can you feel deeply grateful for? The kind of yummy feeling that floods your cells with light and tickles your skin with goosebumps. Now focus on them daily.What fear compresses your heart and fills your mind with darkness? Open the prison door and speak your fear to a loved one. You can either keep it trapped within you, or open the door to emotional freedom.How have you loved yourself? If you want the world to love you, show it how. Move your body, rest your mind, and shape your thoughts with compassion.

Your plan needs to be your plan, the world is not going to rescue you or soften its raw nature. But my darling, you can rescue yourself, there is no one better qualified.

The post The New Brand Of Human (V.2.21) appeared first on Sonia Killik.

Torture of flesh can be bared.

It is a pain you can drift away from.

Hide in the depths of your true self until the pain has passed.

But what if the pain lives not outside you as a temporary thing.

What if the true torture is the complete and total hopelessness of death.

Of yearning with such desperation after a thing long dead.

Of a need to reach out to touch flesh long rotted away, that is so insistent, the only relief is insanity.

Of spending just a moment thinking how - how - could I briefly touch him.

Speak to him.

See him.

I have let you go a million times.

And I will need to a million times more.

Maybe your tombstone is just a place I go to which houses all my sadness.

Surely, surely, after all this time I should not grieve so.

You told me to let you go.

You told me it was time.

I don’t know how to.

I hurt my love.

And I know not even you can restore me.

The post Speaking To Ghosts appeared first on Sonia Killik.

Women nurture, create, and flow.
We experience life through emotion, and connect through the same.
We are the divine feminine.

A potent mix of fierce protector, wild nature, quiet moonlight, fiery goddess, sensuality and sexuality. 

We consume seed and transform it into life.
We consume pain and transform it into compassion.
We absorb the emotions of others and transform it into desire. 

Sometimes that desire is to escape what is given to us.
Other times the desire is to hide, or open, or to invite.
Sometimes it is to consume even more so that our own emotions may have a vessel in which to exist. 

What we absorb is vitally important because we have no ability to reject it unless we reject it all.
It is the masculine’s responsibility, and honour, to provide the structure and the ingredients. 

He can either diminish or flourish, expand or contract.
The shape that he provides will be how the water of women will form. 

Will he recognise her beauty?
Not only of her eyes, her curves, her nuances,
but will he see the storm that rages within her and be the lightening to her thunder?

Will he worship her creative power and be courageous enough to allow it expression?
Will he honour her strength and give it direction through his unfettered desire?
Will he prove his right to her body and mind by being in control, and thus, giving the structure she needs to feel safe?

A woman is water, and a man gives it shape.

Women nurture, create, and flow.

We experience life through emotion, and connect through the same.

We are the divine feminine.

A potent mix of fierce protector, wild nature, quiet moonlight, fiery goddess, sensuality and sexuality. 

We consume seed and transform it into life.

We consume pain and transform it into compassion.

We absorb the emotions of others and transform it into desire. 

Sometimes that desire is to escape what is given to us.

Other times the desire is to hide, or open, or to invite.

Sometimes it is to consume even more so that our own emotions may have a vessel in which to exist. 

What we absorb is vitally important because we have no ability to reject it unless we reject it all.

It is the masculine’s responsibility, and honour, to provide the structure and the ingredients. 

He can either diminish or flourish, expand or contract.

The shape that he provides will be how the water of women will form. 

Will he recognise her beauty?

Not only of her eyes, her curves, her nuances, but will he see the storm that rages within her and be the lightening to her thunder?

Will he worship her creative power and be courageous enough to allow it expression?

Will he honour her strength and give it direction through his unfettered desire?

Will he prove his right to her body and mind by being in control, and thus, giving the structure she needs to feel safe?

A woman is water, and a man gives it shape.

The post Dance of Desire appeared first on Sonia Killik.

Stand up

They said
I said

You are strong
They said
I said

The pain is temporary 
They said
I said

Your heart will recover
They said
I hoped

The battle draws to an end
They hoped
I forgot

You are not defeated yet
We prayed

Keep breathing
They asked
I thought

When will it end
I bled

Image by: Benoit Courti

The post Voices appeared first on Sonia Killik.

I don’t know whether to wish or not.
It seems a dangerous indulgence.I cannot erase my past, and equally cannot regret how it shaped who I am.
But if I were to wish.
If I were to go back and smooth out some lines and remove the scars that created battles in my mind I must still face, it would be this:
I wish I was seen.
I wish I was seen for the person they buried.
Before I became buried.
I wish I was protected.
Just long enough for me to build the trust I needed to trust myself. 

I wish I didn’t cry alone.
I wish I didn’t learn that my tears were rivulets of weakness, to be hastily wiped away. 

I wish that I was introduced to ease.
The kind of comfort I watched others feel when visiting a friend, or simply walking through their life. 

I wish I had loved my body.
Rather than feeling trapped by my own skin.
I wish I had found my joy from friendship, sunlight and adventure, rather than a chemical fantasy. 

I wish I had peace.
The security needed to breathe long enough to think... what if? 

What if I developed my talent for words, for science, for moving my body just right to excel at any sport I chose?
What if I had been given the opportunity to learn?
What if I had someone behind me who believed in me enough to make me do it?

Where would I be now?
How many years did I waste trying to learn while being my only cheerleader?

I wish someone had taught me the difference between love and rescuing.
I wish I had recognised my need to be rescued, before I prostrated my happiness and safety before the feet of all those broken wings. 

I wish I had learned to speak before I learned to write.
Writing allowed me a voice I never had, but my heart spent too long hidden on pages bound in solitude. 

I wish I had a home.
And never experienced the jealousy that I tried to ignore, or the hurt I refused to contemplate, of why I was never worthy enough to be included.

I wish I could speak to those I love like those I once loved.
Ghostly lovers that whisper words of comfort that I yearn to hear from a voice other than my own. 

These are the things I wish.
It is a small indulgence.
A way to pass the time and ease the pressure on my heart. 

I am content, and even proud, of my ‘now’.
I arrived here with bleeding feet and a back that refused to bend.
I am in my now with a heart that might be weary, and weary both.
But it still beats.
It still feels. 

But yes,
I wish time had not been stolen from me. 

The post I Wish appeared first on Sonia Killik.

What am I? 

Without my make-up and the clothes I use to Influence your judgement.  
Who am I when time has become my friend and distractions borne from routine are no longer? 

I am all.
I am rebirth and death.
I am the river who flows through life.
I am the storm that crashes against my peace.
I am the sunrise that wakens my heart.
I am love and have love.

Because I live.
I am valuable because I have walked all my years
and kept going despite bleeding feet and lost directions. 

I am not my title.
I am not what you need me to be.
I am not a cog in the machine of society. 

I exist.
I exist in the magical and the anguish.
I exist in my past and my future.

I share.
I share my triumph and tragedy with all that you have felt.
I share my need for love and acceptance just as you have. 

I don’t need containment and geographic boundaries to find my place in our world.
I don’t need a gender, colour or status to have value. 

I exist
Just like you. 

Image by: Tara McKinney

The post Naked appeared first on Sonia Killik.

I burn

With anger
With hopelessness
With conviction

My heart
Compressed
Struggling to beat
Fighting back

Strong
I am unbreakable
With scars
Leaking blood
I rise 

You pushed me down
Down stairs
Down to the ground

You stood on my neck
Squeezed my neck
Squeezed away my hope
My confidence
My safety

You laughed at me
Laughed at my reason
My hope
My belief

You thought of ways to hurt me
Take away all that was important
You twisted words and other’s heart

You took your joy from my pain
But your weakness is my strength
Your cruelty is my character 

You bore into me
But you did not
And can never
Bore deep enough

I am made from the fires of the earths core
From the light of a trillion suns
My fury blows like the strongest hurricane
My purpose is deeper and stronger than all the oceans
I have mountains in my veins
And love are my rivers

I am Earth mother
Father sun
I will not bend

I will protect myself
My children
My rights
My truth
With the strength of a million women

You will never stand against me
You will never win

You will fade away into nothingness
Even your memory will be just a boulder I learned to climb 

I rise not only with strength
But with love

The stain of your smallness can never make me small
The stench of your limited self won’t stop me from absorbing beauty 

I am unbreakable
I will not cower
I will not sink into despair
I will not allow your darkness to dampen my light

I have roots as deep as the oldest tree
Wisdom as old as the earth
I am mother
I will not bend. 

My anger is something you must bare
For my voice will not be silenced
But I leave it with you

I choose love

When there was no one to love me
I chose to love myself
When I myself could find nothing to love
I clung to belief

I rose
I keep rising
I stand facing a rising sun

The path I have walked is behind me
Faded into shadows I need not walk again

I walk with the comfort of a burning sun
I walk with the strength of a thousand roots
I walk with the joy of the wind and rain laughing as they dance around me

I am mother
I am woman
I will not bend

The post Unbreakable appeared first on Sonia Killik.

I have recently debated philosophy of law with my best friend. One of the biggest difficulties in interpreting (and thereby) enforcing, our constitution is that while human rights have been both recognised and included in our law, it is insurmountably difficult to define exactly what these rights are. 

Dignity and respect may seem synonymous on the surface, but in truth, hold different meaning to the individual, which is determined by their gender, culture, religion, upbringing and perspective. What this boils down to, not only in law, but in society and our personal experience of self, is that while we like to think that we share the planet with others who agree to certain morals and principles, in reality, we don’t. 

The world is populated with bad people, and this is a truth many of us struggle to stomach. We like to justify bad behaviour, we like to make allowances, we seek to understand their circumstance and pain so we can avoid accepting the truth of who and what they are.

The brutal truth is that in your lifetime, you will come across many people who will deliberately seek harm, uncaring of the pain and turmoil it causes. The repercussions of accepting that reality, is in my opinion, the harder part of the equation.

Because it will require you to get uncomfortable. 

If you are a person of integrity, standing up to ill treatment makes you believe that you risk losing your ‘goodness’ in order to do so. In a nutshell, many good people on the planet believe that you cannot fight fire with fire, or in modern terms, you can’t be an asshole to fight an asshole.  

But where does this philosophy leave you? Agreeing to be a doormat to manipulation, abuse, and worse? Constantly questioning your own mind and behaviour to compensate for somebody else’s lack of self-reflection?

In my personal life I have had to examine what it is to protect my sense of right and wrong more than once. In the past I lamented the need for it, I stubbornly clung to my innocent ideals and hated that I was being forced into a battle I did not choose. I wasted hours, and years, trying to figure out how to better reason with these people. And in the process, allowed the abuse to continue because I didn’t put a firm stop to it.

I worried that I had become cynical, I worried that I was losing my values, I worried that by speaking my truth and acknowledging what was happening, I was sinking into pettiness. I was in a constant ethical and spiritual turmoil while my various opponents... well... weren’t. 

We can all agree that big and obvious crimes like murder or rape are heinous, and we have no difficulty in rejecting both the act and the perpetrator. The lines become blurred on the subtle crimes though. 

The businessman who knowingly causes financial ruin to others; the husband who continuously harms emotionally, mentally or physically; the wife who uses children to manipulate; the friend who betrays a trust; the ex who spreads rumours... the list is long and varied. 

The ‘good’ portion of the population seeks to cause no harm and genuinely struggle to understand how others don’t share their viewpoints. This has created an imbalance where the narcissists and sociopaths have free reign, leaving normal people to batten down the hatches in anticipation for the next attack while PC policies are updated to accommodate them. 

If you are struggling to find the parameters between healthy boundaries that don’t compromise on your values or sense of self, and standing firm against poor treatment, begin with these three steps to help you create firmer boundaries.

In case you have forgotten what the purpose of boundaries are, they are simply this; they teach others how you expect to be treated, and just too remind you, it is ok to be treated well.

3-Step-Boundary-Creation

1if you need to say ‘no’, don’t offer an explanation in order to justify yourself, or in some way unconsciously seek other's permission to do so. No is no, and you don’t need to explain why.2Don't draw invisible lines with your boundaries. If you have recognised that a boundary has been crossed then enforce it. If your boundaries are clear and someone chooses to ignore them, that is something they must deal with, not you. What this means is the ensuing temper tantrum, shock, confusion or aggression that you are met with, is their emotion to navigate through, not yours.3Put your well-being first. If you are consistently receiving poor treatment from a human being, accept the reality that they will continue to treat you this way. You don’t need to explain to them how they have hurt or disrespected you, or negotiate with them in order to get them to see your point... in fact the only thing you need to do, is walk away and minimise engagement as much as possible. Protect your feelings, not theirs.

The post How To Be Good In A Bad World appeared first on Sonia Killik.